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spoons

Fri Apr 30 12:19:37 UTC 2021

To-do lists, stuff to do in a day, any kind of routine organization can be just another demand if not coupled with some form of quantification for our energy level. Adopting Christine Miserandino's theory, it's possible to think of this measure in spoons.

Such lists can create a feeling of what "has" to be done, and if it's not done than the failure is on us. We make the mistake of trying to do the maximum possible. But this way our lists only hurt us more than they help.

If I have a list, I have to pick a few items to do each day. I know I will have many self-regulation episodes and moments to re-center myself during the day if I think of it like that. I know I will have enough time to prepare what I'll do, and to do what is inevitable and present in any day: preparing food, cleaning the place, caring for my body and its physiology.

Something that can consume lots of spoons but can go unnoticed to some people is simply talking. Talking about something unrelated to what's on for the day, in special talking about future plans and tasks about which nothing can be done in the present, can make me drained of energy to execute the ones that are due now.

It's hard for this to be understood, because most neurotypical people around seem to want to "decide" many things through sparse group conversation that jumps between multiple topics. Their way of doing that is to exchange lots of information that won't necessarily be relevant or even carried out that way.

For me, each information has a big weight and I can't immediately filter out what to retain and what to let go into the drain. Beyond the common awkwardness with routine interactions with strangers, it's with those closer to me that this tends to create some confusion.

If I'm focused in an activity, such as writing, reading, studying, playing, cleaning something, anything that has my attention, any information that is thrown at me will disorganize that process completely.

It makes little sense for this to be communicated to neurotypical people to "be aware" I'm currently focused because there are no moments when this is not going to be this way. This will happen 100% of the time I'm doing any activity, and only ends when the activity ends. There opens up a space, and if that activity was done without too much interruption, it's a space of pleasure because that energy was spent and my attention then relaxes.

In the same way, a day can be thought of as a long activity that lasts for long hours. If we sleep for eight hours, a day is a 16-hour activity for which there are X spoons to be used in X nested activities.

If these activities are interrupted constantly by many unrelated conversations, instead of sociability happening in moments where chatting is at the center, then the whole day will be marked by this feeling of emotional imbalance/disorganization.

This places some problems between neurodivergent and neurotypical people, because to avoid making them feel weird, bothering, a burden, to avoid making them uncomfortable and making guilt-induced self-judgments about their lack of observation of ableism, I'll then start masking my emotional disorganization. And that will be equally harmful, both for me and to my relationships.

The only way out I found was this one through which I'm getting out right now: alternative means of communication like writing, poetry, music, means that are not a "conversation" as in a to-the-point and face-to-face exchange that neurotypical people expect you to have with them, constantly reminding and alerting them about your neurodiversity. This makes little sense because neurodivergence is affecting us 24h a day, and all our actions and interactions are touched by it.