đŸ Archived View for library.inu.red âș file âș leo-tolstoy-the-fruits-of-culture.gmi captured on 2023-01-29 at 12:17:17. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
âĄïž Next capture (2024-07-09)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Title: The Fruits of Culture Author: Leo Tolstoy Date: 1899 Language: en Topics: plays, culture Source: Retrieved on 9th June 2021 from https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Fruits_of_Culture Notes: A stage play, translated by Arthur Hopkins circa 1919.
Guards. Owner of more than 60,000 acres of land in various provinces. A
fresh-looking, bland, agreeable gentleman of 60. Believes in
Spiritualism, and likes to astonish people with his wonderful stories.
young; quite taken up with the conventionalities of life; despises her
husband, and blindly believes in her doctor. Very irritable.
wears a pince-nez, flirts and giggles. Speaks very quickly and
distinctly.
but has no definite occupation. Member of the Cycling Club, Jockey Club,
and of the Society for Promoting the Breeding of Hounds. Enjoys perfect
health, and has imperturbable self-assurance. Speaks loud and abruptly.
Is either perfectly serious--almost morose, or is noisily gay and laughs
loud. Is nicknamed Vovo.
about 50, with quiet and pleasantly self-possessed manners, and quiet,
deliberate, harmonious speech. Likes to talk. Is mildly disdainful of
those who do not agree with him. Smokes much. Is lean and active.
with a self-satisfied smile constantly on his lips.
music. Wears a fringe, and is super-fashionably dressed. Obsequious, and
gets easily confused.
looking out for a position. Member of the same clubs as VasĂly
LeonĂditch, and also of the Society for the Organisation of Calico
Balls. [1] Is bald-headed, quick in movement and speech, and very
polite.
speaks with monotonous intonation.
great difficulty.
loud.
and kindly woman, acquainted with all the notable people of the last and
present generations. Very stout. Speaks hurriedly, trying to be heard
above every one else. Smokes.
Gentleman of the Bedchamber, Attaché to an Embassy. Is perfectly correct
in his deportment, and therefore enjoys peace of mind and is quietly
gay.
An elegant gentleman, of wide European culture, engaged in nothing and
interested in everything. His carriage is dignified and at times even
severe.
man of some education and fond of information. Uses his pince-nez and
pocket-handkerchief too much, unfolding the latter very slowly. Takes an
interest in politics. Is kindly and sensible.
insolent.
of his family in the village are all-important.
lad, fair, beardless as yet; calm and smiling.
Rude and decided.
yellow and trembling. Dressed in a ragged, light summer-overcoat and
dirty trousers. Speaks hoarsely, ejecting the words abruptly.
with quickly-changing moods. At moments, when strongly excited, she
shrieks with joy.
knows how to treat gentlefolk, and likes to hear himself talk.
and truthful. The father of Simon.
restless, hurried, and tries to cover his confusion by much talking.
old-fashioned manners, and proud of his place.
dark-blue long coat. Speaks firmly, emphatically, and clearly.
The action takes place in Moscow, in ZvesdĂntsefâs house.
The entrance hall of a wealthy house in Moscow. There are three doors:
the front door, the door of LEONĂD FYĂDORITCHâS study, and the door of
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCHâS room. A staircase leads up to the other rooms;
behind it is another door leading to the servantsâ quarters.
GREGORY (looks at himself in the glass and arranges his hair, etc.). I
am sorry about those moustaches of mine! âMoustaches are not becoming to
a footman,â she says! And why? Why, so that any one might see youâre a
footman,--else my looks might put her darling son to shame. Heâs a
likely one! Thereâs not much fear of his coming anywhere near me,
moustaches or no moustaches! (Smiling into the glass.) And what a lot of
âem swarm round me. And yet I donât care for any of them as much as for
that TĂĄnya. And she only a ladyâs-maid! Ah well, sheâs nicer than any
young lady. (Smiles.) Sheâs a duck! (Listening.) Ah, here she comes.
(Smiles.) Yes, thatâs her, clattering with her little heels. Oh!
[Enter TĂNYA, carrying a cloak and boots.]
GREGORY. My respects to you, TatyĂĄna MĂĄrkovna.
TĂNYA. What are you always looking in the glass for? Do you think
yourself so good-looking?
GREGORY. Well, and are my looks not agreeable?
TĂNYA. So, so; neither agreeable nor disagreeable, but just betwixt and
between! Why are all those cloaks hanging there?
GREGORY. I am just going to put them away, your lady-ship! (Takes down a
fur cloak and, wrapping it round her, embraces her.) I say, TĂĄnya, Iâll
tell you something....
TĂNYA. Oh, get away, do! What do you mean by it? (Pulls herself angrily
away.) Leave me alone, I tell you!
GREGORY (looks cautiously around). Then give me a kiss!
TĂNYA. Now, really, what are you bothering for? Iâll give you such a
kiss!
[Raises her hand to strike.
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH (off the scene, rings and then shouts). Gregory!
TĂNYA. There now, go! VasĂly LeonĂditch is calling you.
GREGORY. Heâll wait! Heâs only just opened his eyes! I say, why donât
you love me?
TĂNYA. What sort of loving have you imagined now? I donât love anybody.
GREGORY. Thatâs a fib. You love Simon! You have found a nice one to
love--a common, dirty-pawed peasant, a butlerâs assistant!
TĂNYA. Never mind; such as he is, you are jealous of him!
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH (off the scene). Gregory!
GREGORY. All in good time.... Jealous indeed! Of what? Why, you have
only just begun to get licked into shape, and who are you tying yourself
up with? Now, wouldnât it be altogether a different matter if you loved
me?.... I say, TĂĄnya....
TĂNYA (angrily and severely). Youâll get nothing from me, I tell you!
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH (off the scene). Gregory!
GREGORY. Youâre mighty particular, ainât you?
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH (off the scene, shouts persistently, monotonously, and
with all his might) Gregory! Greg--ory! Gregory!
[TĂNYA and GREGORY laugh.
GREGORY. You should have seen the girls that have been sweet on me.
[Bell rings.
TĂNYA. Well then, go to them, and leave me alone!
GREGORY. You are a silly, now I think of it. Iâm not Simon!
TĂNYA. Simon means marriage, and not tomfoolery!
PORTER. Good morning!
GREGORY. Good morning! Where are you from?
PORTER. From Bourdeyâs. Iâve brought a dress, and hereâs a note for the
lady.
TĂNYA (taking the note). Sit down, and Iâll take it in.
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. Gregory!
GREGORY. Yes, sir.
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. Gregory! Donât you hear me call?
GREGORY. Iâve only just come, sir.
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. Hot water, and a cup of tea.
GREGORY. Yes, sir; Simon will bring them directly.
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. And who is this? Ah, from Bourdier?
PORTER. Yes, sir.
TĂNYA (to PORTER). Please wait a little. Porter. I am waiting.
TĂNYA. I beg your pardon, but the footman has just gone away. This way,
sir. Allow me, please.
SAHĂTOF (adjusting his clothes). Is LeonĂd FyĂłdoritch at home? Is he up?
TĂNYA. Oh yes, sir. Heâs been up a long time.
DOCTOR. Ah, my respects to you!
SAHĂTOF (looks fixedly at him). The Doctor, I believe?
DOCTOR. And I thought you were abroad! Dropped in to see LeonĂd
FyĂłdoritch?
SAHĂTOF. Yes. And you? Is any one ill?
DOCTOR (laughing). Not exactly ill but, you know.... Itâs awful with
these ladies! Sits up at cards till three every morning, and pulls her
waist into the shape of a wine-glass. And the lady is flabby and fat,
and carries the weight of a good many years on her back.
SAHĂTOF. Is this the way you state your diagnosis to Anna PĂĄvlovna? I
should hardly think it quite pleases her!
DOCTOR (laughing). Well, itâs the truth. They do all these tricks--and
then come derangements of the digestive organs, pressure on the liver,
nerves, and all sorts of things, and one has to come and patch them up.
Itâs just awful! (Laughs.) And you? You are also a spiritualist, it
seems?
SAHĂTOF. I? No, I am not also a spiritualist.... Good morning!
DOCTOR. No! But I canât myself, you know, positively deny the
possibility of it, when a man like Krougosvétlof is connected with it
all. How can one? Is he not a professor,--a European celebrity? There
must be something in it. I should like to see for myself, but I never
have the time. I have other things to do.
SAHĂTOF. Yes, yes! Good morning.
DOCTOR (to TĂĄnya). Is Anna PĂĄvlovna up?
TĂNYA. Sheâs in her bedroom, but please come up.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH (to PORTER). What is it you want?
PORTER. Iâm from Bourdeyâs. I brought a dress and a note, and was told
to wait.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Ah, from Bourdeyâs! (To TĂĄnya.) Who came in just now?
TĂNYA. It was SergĂ©y IvĂĄnitch SahĂĄtof and the Doctor. They stood talking
here a bit. It was all about spiritalism.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH (correcting her). Spiritualism.
TĂNYA. Yes, thatâs just what I said--spiritalism. Have you heard how
well it went off last time, Theodore IvĂĄnitch? (Laughs). There was
knocks, and things flew about!
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. And how do you know?
TĂNYA. Miss Elizabeth told me.
JACOB (to the PORTER). Good morning!
PORTER (disconsolately). Good morning!
GREGORY. Give it here.
JACOB. You didnât bring back all yesterdayâs tumblers, nor the tray
VasĂly LeonĂditch had. And itâs me that have to answer for them!
GREGORY. The tray is full of cigars.
JACOB. Well, put them somewhere else. Itâs me whoâs answerable for it.
GREGORY. Iâll bring it back! Iâll bring it back!
JACOB. Yes, so you say, but it is not where it ought to be. The other
day, just as the tea had to be served, it was not to be found.
GREGORY. Iâll bring it back, I tell you. What a fuss!
JACOB. Itâs easy for you to talk. Here am I serving tea for the third
time, and now thereâs the lunch to get ready. One does nothing but rush
about the livelong day. Is there any one in the house who has more to do
than me? Yet they are never satisfied with me.
GREGORY. Dear me! Who could wish for any one more satisfactory? Youâre
such a fine fellow!
TĂNYA. Nobody is good enough for you! You alone....
GREGORY (to TĂNYA). No one asked your opinion!
JACOB. Ah, well, I donât mind. TatyĂĄna MĂĄrkovna, did the mistress say
anything about yesterday?
TĂNYA. About the lamp, you mean?
JACOB. And how it managed to drop out of my hands, the Lord only knows!
Just as I began rubbing it, and was going to take hold of it in another
place, out it slips and goes all to pieces. Itâs just my luck! Itâs easy
for that Gregory MihĂĄylitch to talk--a single man like him! But when one
has a family, one has to consider things: they have to be fed. I donât
mind work.... So she didnât say anything? The Lord be thanked!... Oh,
Theodore IvĂĄnitch, have you one spoon or two?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. One. Only one!
DOORKEEPER (to GREGORY). Tell the master some peasants have come from
the village.
GREGORY (pointing to THEODORE IVĂNITCH). Tell the major-domo here, itâs
his business. I have no time.
TĂNYA. Where are these peasants from?
DOORKEEPER. From Koursk, I think.
TĂNYA. (shrieks with delight). Itâs them.... Itâs Simonâs father come
about the land! Iâll go and meet them!
DOORKEEPER. Well, then what shall I say to them? Shall they come in
here? They say theyâve come about the land--the master knows, they say.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Yes, they want to purchase some land. All right! But
he has a visitor now, so you had better tell them to wait.
DOORKEEPER. Where shall they wait?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Let them wait outside. Iâll send for them when the
time comes.
TĂNYA. To the right. In here! In here!
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. I did not want them brought in here!
GREGORY. Forward minx!
TĂNYA. Oh, Theodore IvĂĄnitch, it wonât matter, theyâll stand in this
corner.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Theyâll dirty the floor.
TĂNYA. Theyâve scraped their shoes, and Iâll wipe the floor up
afterwards. (To PEASANTS.) Here, stand just here.
GREGORY (to THEODORE IVĂNITCH). There now, Theodore IvĂĄnitch, they say
Pironnetâs boots are an elegant shape. But those there are ever so much
better.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Why will you always be ridiculing people?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH (rises and goes up to the PEASANTS). So you are from
Koursk? And have come to arrange about buying some land?
FIRST PEASANT. Just so. We might say, it is for the completion of the
purchase of the land we have come. How could we announce ourselves to
the master?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Yes, yes, I know. You wait a bit and Iâll go and
inform him.
FIRST PEASANT. There now, couldnât we have what dâyou call it? Something
to present these here things on? To do it in a genteel way, like,--a
little dish or something.
TĂNYA. All right, directly; put them down here for the present.
FIRST PEASANT. There now,--that respectable gentleman that was here just
now,--what might be his station?
TĂNYA. Heâs the masterâs valet.
FIRST PEASANT. I see. So heâs also in service. And you, now, are you a
servant too?
TĂNYA. I am ladyâs-maid. Do you know, I also come from DĂ©men! I know
you, and you, but I donât know him.
THIRD PEASANT. Them two you know, but me you donât know?
TĂNYA. You are EfĂm AntĂłnitch.
FIRST PEASANT. Thatâs just it!
TĂNYA. And you are Simonâs father, Zachary TrifĂĄnitch.
SECOND PEASANT. Right!
THIRD PEASANT. And let me tell you, Iâm Mitry VlĂĄsitch Tchilikin. Now do
you know?
TĂNYA. Now I shall know you too!
SECOND PEASANT. And who may you be?
TĂNYA. I am AksĂnyaâs, the soldierâs wifeâs, orphan.
FIRST AND THIRD PEASANTS (with surprise). Never!
SECOND PEASANT. The proverb says true: âBuy a penny pig, put it in the
rye, And youâll have a wonderful fat porker by-and-by.â
FIRST PEASANT. Thatâs just it! Sheâs got the resemblance of a duchess!
THIRD PEASANT. That be so truly. Oh Lord!
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH (off the scene, rings, and then shouts). Gregory!
Gregory!
FIRST PEASANT. Now whoâs that, for example, disturbing himself in such a
way, if I may say so?
TĂNYA. Thatâs the young master.
THIRD PEASANT. Oh Lord! Didnât I say weâd better wait outside until the
time comes?
SECOND PEASANT. Is it you, Simon wants to marry?
TĂNYA. Why, has he been writing?
SECOND PEASANT. Itâs evident heâs written! But itâs a bad business heâs
imagined here. I see the ladâs got spoilt!
TĂNYA (quickly). No, heâs not at all spoilt! Shall I send him to you?
SECOND PEASANT. Why send him? All in good time. Whereâs the hurry?
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH (desperately, behind scene). Gregory! Where the devil
are you?...
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. Is every one dead?
TĂNYA. Heâs not here, sir.... Iâll send him to you at once.
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. I could hear you talking, you know. How have these
scarecrows sprung up here? Eh? What?
TĂNYA. Theyâre peasants from the Koursk village, sir.
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. And who is this? Oh yes, from Bourdier.
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH (to GREGORY). I told you the other boots.... I canât
wear these!
GREGORY. Well, the others are also there.
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. But where is there?
GREGORY. Just in the same place!
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. Theyâre not!
GREGORY. Well, come and see.
THIRD PEASANT. Say, now, might we not in the meantime just go and wait,
say, in some lodging-house or somewhere?
TĂNYA. No, no, wait a little. Iâll go and bring you some plates to put
the presents on.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH (to PEASANTS). Presently, presently! Wait a bit!
(Points to PORTER.) Who is this?
PORTER. From Bourdeyâs.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Ah, from Bourdier.
SAHĂTOF (smiling). Well, I donât deny it: still you understand that,
never having seen it, we, the uninitiated, have some difficulty in
believing.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. You say you find it difficult to believe! We do not
ask for faith; all we demand of you is to investigate! How can I help
believing in this ring? Yet this ring came from there!
SAHĂTOF. From there? What do you mean? From where?
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. From the other world. Yes!
SAHĂTOF (smiling). Thatâs very interesting--very interesting!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Well, supposing we admit that Iâm a man carried away
by an idea, as you think, and that I am deluding myself. Well, but what
of AlexĂ©y VladĂmiritch KrougosvĂ©tlof--he is not just an ordinary man,
but a distinguished professor, and yet he admits it to be a fact. And
not he alone. What of Crookes? What of Wallace?
SAHĂTOF. But I donât deny anything. I only say it is very interesting.
It would be interesting to know how Krougosvétlof explains it!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. He has a theory of his own. Could you come
to-night?--he is sure to be here. First we shall have Grossman--you
know, the famous thought-reader?
SAHĂTOF. Yes, I have heard of him but have never happened to meet him.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Then you must come! We shall first have Grossman,
then KaptchĂtch, and our mediumistic sĂ©ance.... (To THEODORE IVĂNITCH.)
Has the man returned from KaptchĂtch?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Not yet, sir.
SAHĂTOF. Then how am I to know?
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Never mind, come in any case! If KaptchĂtch canât
come we shall find our own medium. MĂĄrya IgnĂĄtievna is a medium--not
such a good one as KaptchĂtch, but still....
SAHĂTOF (smiling). Oh, yes, yes. But here is one puzzling point:--how is
it that the mediums are always of the, so-called, educated class, such
as KaptchĂtch and MĂĄrya IgnĂĄtievna? If there were such a special force,
would it not be met with also among the common people--the peasants?
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Oh yes, and it is! That is very common. Even here in
our own house we have a peasant whom we discovered to be a medium. A few
days ago we called him in--a sofa had to be moved, during a séance--and
we forgot all about him. In all probability he fell asleep. And, fancy,
after our sĂ©ance was over and KaptchĂtch had come to again, we suddenly
noticed mediumistic phenomena in another part of the room, near the
peasant: the table gave a jerk and moved!
TĂNYA (aside). That was when I was getting out from under it!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. It is quite evident he also is a medium. Especially
as he is very like Home in appearance. You remember Home--a fair-haired
naĂŻf sort of fellow?
SAHĂTOF (shrugging his shoulders). Dear me, this is very interesting,
you know. I think you should try him.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. So we will! And he is not alone; there are thousands
of mediums, only we do not know them. Why, only a short time ago a
bedridden old woman moved a brick wall!
SAHĂTOF. Moved a brick ... a brick wall?
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Yes, yes. She was lying in bed, and did not even know
she was a medium. She just leant her arm against the wall, and the wall
moved!
SAHĂTOF. And did not cave in?
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. And did not cave in.
SAHĂTOF. Very strange! Well, then, Iâll come this evening.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Pray, do. We shall have a sĂ©ance in any case.
PORTER (to TĂNYA). Do tell your mistress! Am I to spend the night here?
TĂNYA. Wait a little; sheâs going to drive out with the young lady, so
sheâll soon be coming downstairs.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH (comes up to the PEASANTS, who bow and offer him their
presents). Thatâs not necessary!
FIRST PEASANT (smiling). Oh, but this-here is our first duty, it is!
Itâs also the Communeâs orders that we should do it!
SECOND PEASANT. Thatâs always been the proper way.
THIRD PEASANT. Say no more about it! âCause as we are much satisfied....
As our parents, letâs say, served, letâs say, your parents, so we would
like the same with all our hearts ... and not just anyhow!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. But what is it about? What do you want?
FIRST PEASANT. Itâs to your honor weâve come....
PETRĂSTCHEF. Is VasĂly LeonĂditch awake yet?
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. You have come to see my son?
PETRĂSTCHEF. I? Yes, just to see Vovo for a moment.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Step in, step in.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH (to PEASANTS). Well, what is it you want?
SECOND PEASANT. Please accept our presents!
FIRST PEASANT (smiling). Thatâs to say, the peasantsâ offerings.
THIRD PEASANT. Say no more about it; whatâs the good? We wish you the
same as if you were our own father! Say no more about it!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. All right. Here, Theodore, take these.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH (to PEASANTS). Give them here.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Well, what is the business?
FIRST PEASANT. Weâve come to your honor....
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. I see you have; but what do you want?
FIRST PEASANT. Itâs about making a move towards completing the sale of
the land. It comes to this....
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Do you mean to buy the land?
FIRST PEASANT. Thatâs just it. It comes to this.... I mean the buying of
the property of the land. The Commune has given us, letâs say, the power
of atturning, to enter, letâs say, as is lawful, through the Government
bank, with a stamp for the lawful amount.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. You mean that you want to buy the land through the
land-bank.
FIRST PEASANT. Thatâs just it. Just as you offered it to us last year.
It comes to this, then, the whole sum in full for the buying of the
property of the land is 32,864 roubles.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Thatâs all right, but how about paying up?
FIRST PEASANT. As to the payment, the Commune offers just as it was said
last year--to pay in âstalments, and your receipt of the ready money by
lawful regulations, 4000 roubles in full. [2]
SECOND PEASANT. Take 4000 now, and wait for the rest of the money.
THIRD PEASANT (unwrapping a parcel of money). And about this be quite
easy. We should pawn our own selves rather than do such a thing just
anyhow say, but in this way, letâs say, as it ought to be done.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. But did I not write and tell you that I should not
agree to it unless you brought the whole sum?
FIRST PEASANT. Thatâs just it. It would be more agreeable, but it is not
in our possibilities, I mean.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Well then, the thing canât be done!
FIRST PEASANT. The Commune, for example, relied its hopes on that, that
you made the offer last year to sell it in easy âstalments....
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. That was last year. I would have agreed to it then,
but now I canât.
SECOND PEASANT. But howâs that? Weâve been depending on your promise--
weâve got the papers ready and have collected the money!
THIRD PEASANT. Be merciful, master! Weâre short of land; weâll say
nothing about cattle, but even a hen, letâs say, weâve no room to keep.
(Bows.) Donât wrong us, master!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Of course itâs quite true, that I agreed last year to
let you have the land for payment by instalments, but now circumstances
are such that it would be inconvenient.
SECOND PEASANT. Without this land we cannot live!
FIRST PEASANT. Thatâs just it. Without land our lives must grow weaker
and come to a decline.
THIRD PEASANT (bowing). Master, we have so little land, letâs not talk
about the cattle, but even a chicken, letâs say, weâve no room for.
Master, be merciful, accept the money, master!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH (examining the document). I quite understand, and
should like to help you. Wait a little; I will give you an answer in
half-an-hour.... Theodore, say I am engaged and am not to be disturbed.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Yes, sir.
SECOND PEASANT. Hereâs a go! âGive me the whole sum,â he says. And where
are we to get it from?
FIRST PEASANT. If he had not given us hopes, for example. As it is we
felt quite insured it would be as was said last year.
THIRD PEASANT. Oh, Lord! and I had begun unwrapping the money. (Begins
wrapping up the bundle of bank-notes again.) What are we to do now?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. What is your business, then?
FIRST PEASANT. Our business, respected sir, depends in this. Last year
he made us the offer of our buying the land in âstalments. The Commune
entered upon these terms and gave us the powers of atturning, and now
dâyou see he makes the offering that we should pay the whole in full!
And as it turns out, the business is no ways convenient for us.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. What is the whole sum?
FIRST PEASANT. The whole sum in readiness is 4000 roubles, you see.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Well, what of that? Make an effort and collect more.
FIRST PEASANT. Such as it is, it was collected with much effort. We
have, so to say, in this sense, not got ammunition enough.
SECOND PEASANT. You canât get blood out of a stone.
THIRD PEASANT. Weâd be glad with all our hearts, but we have swept even
this together, as you might say, with a broom.
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. I have told you already Iâll do my best, so, of
course, I will do all that is possible! Eh, what?
PETRĂSTCHEF. You must just understand that if you do not get it, the
devil only knows what a mess we shall be in!
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. But Iâve already said Iâll do my best, and so I will.
Eh, what?
PETRĂSTCHEF. Nothing. I only say, get some at any cost; I will wait.
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH (waving his arm). Itâs a deuce of a go!
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH (looking at PORTER, to THEODORE IVĂNITCH). Why donât
you attend to this fellow from Bourdier? He hasnât come to take lodgings
with us, has he? Just look, he is asleep! Eh, what?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. The note he brought has been sent in, and he has been
told to wait until Anna PĂĄvlovna comes down.
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH (looks at PEASANTS and notices the money). And what is
this? Money? For whom? Is it for us? (To THEODORE IVĂNITCH.) Who are
they?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. They are peasants from Koursk. They are buying land.
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. Has it been sold them?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. No, they have not yet come to any agreement. They are
too stingy?
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. Eh? Well, we must try and persuade them. (To the
PEASANTS.) Here, I say, are you buying land? Eh?
FIRST PEASANT. Thatâs just it. We have made an offering as how we should
like to acquire the possession of the land.
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. Then you should not be so stingy, you know. Just let
me tell you how necessary land is to peasants! Eh, what? Itâs very
necessary, isnât it?
FIRST PEASANT. Thatâs just it. The land appears as the very first and
foremost necessity to a peasant. Thatâs just it.
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. Then why be so stingy? Just you think what land is!
Why, one can sow wheat on it in rows! I tell you, you could get eighty
bushels of wheat, at a rouble and a half a bushel--that would be 120
roubles. Eh, what? Or else mint! I tell you, you could collar 400
roubles off an acre by sowing mint!
FIRST PEASANT. Thatâs just it. All sorts of products one could put into
action if one had the right understanding.
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. Mint! Decidedly mint! I have learnt about it, you
know. Itâs all printed in books. I can show them you. Eh, what?
FIRST PEASANT. Thatâs just it, all concerns are clearer to you through
your books. Thatâs learnedness, of course.
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. Then pay up and donât be stingy! (To THEODORE
IVĂNITCH.) Whereâs papa?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. He gave orders not to be disturbed just now.
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. Oh, I suppose heâs consulting a spirit whether to
sell the land or not? Eh, what?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. I canât say. All I know is that be went away
undecided about it.
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. What dâyou think, Theodore IvĂĄnitch, is he flush of
cash? Eh, what?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. I donât know. I hardly think so. But what does it
matter to you? You drew a good sum not more than a week ago.
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. But didnât I pay for those dogs? And now, you know,
thereâs our new Society, and PetrĂstchef has been chosen, and I had
borrowed money from PetrĂstchef and must pay the subscription both for
him and for myself. Eh, what?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. And what is this new Society? A Cycling Club?
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. No. Just let me tell you. It is quite a new Society.
It is a very serious Society, you know. And who do you think is
President? Eh, what?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Whatâs the object of this new Society?
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. It is a âSociety to Promote the Breeding of Pure-Bred
Russian Hounds.â Eh, what? And Iâll tell you, theyâre having the first
meeting and a lunch, to-day. And Iâve no money. Iâll go to him and have
a try!
FIRST PEASANT (to THEODORE IVĂNITCH). And who might he be, respected
sir?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH (smiles). The young master.
THIRD PEASANT. The heir, so to say. Oh, Lord! (Puts away the money.) Iâd
better hide it meanwhile.
FIRST PEASANT. And we were told he was in military service, in the
cavârely, for example.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. No, as an only son he is exempt from military
service.
THIRD PEASANT. Left for to keep his parents, so to say! Thatâs right!
SECOND PEASANT (shaking his head). Heâs the right sort. Heâll feed them
finely!
THIRD PEASANT. Oh, Lord!
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. Thatâs always the way. Itâs really surprising! First
Iâm asked why I have no occupation, and now when I have found a field
and am occupied, when a Society with serious and noble aims has been
founded, I canât even have 300 roubles to go on with!...
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. I tell you I canât do it, and I canât! I havenât got
it.
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. Why, you have just sold some land.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. In the first place I have not sold it! And above all,
do leave me in peace! Werenât you told I was engaged?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. I told you this was not the right moment.
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. Well, I say! Hereâs a position to be in! Iâll go and
see mamma--thatâs my only hope. Heâs going crazy over his spiritualism
and forgets everything else.
BETSY. Is the carriage ready?
GREGORY. Just coming to the door.
BETSY (to MĂRYA KONSTANTĂNOVNA). Come along, come along, I know it is
he.
MĂRYA KONSTANTĂNOVNA. Which he?
BETSY. You know very well whom I mean--PetrĂstchef, of course.
MĂRYA KONSTANTĂNOVNA. But where is he?
BETSY. Sitting in Vovoâs room. Youâll see!
MĂRYA KONSTANTĂNOVNA. And suppose it is not he?
BETSY (to PORTER). You brought a dress from Bourdierâs?
PORTER. Yes, Miss. May I go?
BETSY. Well, I donât know. Ask my mother.
PORTER. I donât know whose it is, Miss; I was ordered to bring it here
and receive the money.
BETSY. Well, then, wait.
MĂRYA KONSTANTĂNOVNA. Is it still that costume for the charade?
BETSY. Yes, a charming costume. But mamma wonât take it or pay for it.
MĂRYA KONSTANTĂNOVNA. But why not?
BETSY. Youâd better ask mamma. She doesnât grudge Vovo 500 roubles for
his dogs, but 100 is too much for a dress. I canât act dressed like a
scarecrow. (Pointing to PEASANTS.) And who are these?
GREGORY. Peasants who have come to buy some land or other.
BETSY. And I thought they were the beaters. Are you not beaters?
FIRST PEASANT. No, no, lady. We have come to see LeonĂd FyĂłdoritch about
the signing into our possession of the title-deeds to some land.
BETSY. Then how is it? Vovo was expecting some beaters who were to come
to-day. Are you sure you are not the beaters? (The PEASANTS are silent.)
How stupid they are! (Goes to VASĂLY LEONĂDITCHâS door.) Vovo?
MĂRYA KONSTANTĂNOVNA. But we met him just now upstairs!
BETSY. Why need you remember that? Vovo, are you there?
PETRĂSTCHEF. Vovo is not here, but I am prepared to fulfil on his behalf
anything that may be required. How do you do? How do you do, MĂĄrya
KonstantĂnovna?
SECOND PEASANT. See, itâs as if he were pumping water!
BETSY. You canât replace him,--still youâre better than nobody.
(Laughs.) What are these affairs of yours with Vovo?
PETRĂSTCHEF. What affairs? Our affairs are fie-nancial that is, our
business is fie! Itâs also nancial, and besides it is financial.
BETSY. What does nancial mean?
PETRĂSTCHEF. What a question! It means nothing, thatâs just the point.
BETSY. No, no, you have missed fire.
PETRĂSTCHEF. One canât always hit the mark, you know. Itâs something
like a lottery. Blanks and blanks again, and at last you win!
BETSY. Well, this was blank then; but tell me, were you at the
MergĂĄsofsâ last night?
PETRĂSTCHEF. Not exactly at the MĂšre GĂĄsofâs, but rather at the PĂšre
GĂĄsofâs, or better still, at the Fils GĂĄsofâs.
BETSY. You canât do without puns. Itâs an illness. And were the Gypsies
there? [3]
PETRĂSTCHEF (sings). âOn their aprons silken threads, little birds with
golden heads!â....
BETSY. Happy mortals! And we were yawning at Fofoâs.
PETRĂSTCHEF (continues to sing). âAnd she promised and she swore, she
would opeâ her ... her ... her....â how does it go on, MĂĄrya
KonstantĂnovna?
MĂRYA KONSTANTĂNOVNA. âCloset door.â
PETRĂSTCHEF. How? What? How, MĂĄrya KonstantĂnovna?
BETSY. Cessez, vous devenez impossible! [4]
PETRĂSTCHEF. Jâai cessĂ©, jâai bĂ©bĂ©, jâai dĂ©dĂ©....[5]
BETSY. I see the only way to rid ourselves of your wit is to make you
sing! Let us go into Vovoâs room, his guitar is there. Come, MĂĄrya
KonstantĂnovna, come!
FIRST PEASANT. Who be they?
GREGORY. One is our young lady, the other is a girl who teaches her
music.
FIRST PEASANT. Administrates learning, so to say. And ainât she smart? A
regâlar picture!
SECOND PEASANT. Why donât they marry her? She is old enough, I should
say.
GREGORY. Do you think itâs the same as among you peasants,--marry at
fifteen?
FIRST PEASANT. And that man, for example, is he also in the musitional
line?
GREGORY (mimicking him). âMusitional,â indeed! You donât understand
anything!
FIRST PEASANT. Thatâs just so. And stupidity, one might say, is our
ignorance.
THIRD PEASANT. Oh, Lord!
GREGORY (to SIMON). What do you want?
SIMON. I have been to Mr. KaptchĂtch.
GREGORY. Well, and whatâs the answer?
SIMON. He sent word he couldnât possibly come to-night.
GREGORY. All right, Iâll let them know.
SIMON (to his father). How dâyou do, father! My respects to Daddy EfĂm
and Daddy MĂtry! How are all at home?
SECOND PEASANT. Very well, Simon.
FIRST PEASANT. How dâyou do, lad?
THIRD PEASANT. How dâyou do, sonny?
SIMON (smiles). Well, come along, father, and have some tea.
SECOND PEASANT. Wait till weâve finished our business. Donât you see we
are not ready yet?
SIMON. Well, Iâll wait for you by the porch.
TĂNYA (running after him). I say, why didnât you tell him anything?
SIMON. How could I before all those people? Give me time, Iâll tell him
over our tea.
FIRST PEASANT. Respected sir, howâs our business proceeding?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Wait a bit, heâll be out presently, heâs just
finishing.
TĂNYA (to THEODORE IVĂNITCH). And how do you know, Theodore IvĂĄnitch, he
is finishing?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. I know that when he has finished questioning, he
reads the question and answer aloud.
TĂNYA. Can one really talk with spirits by means of a saucer?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. It seems so.
TĂNYA. But supposing they tell him to sign, will he sign?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Of course he will.
TĂNYA. But they do not speak with words?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Oh, yes. By means of the alphabet. He notices at
which letter the saucer stops.
TĂNYA. Yes, but at a si-ance?....
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Well, friends, I canât do it! I should be very glad
to, but it is quite impossible. If it were for ready money it would be a
different matter.
FIRST PEASANT. Thatâs just so. What more could any one desire? But the
people are so inpennycuous--it is quite impossible!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Well, I canât do it, I really canât. Here is your
document; I canât sign it.
THIRD PEASANT. Show some pity, master; be merciful!
SECOND PEASANT. How can you act so? It is doing us a wrong.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Nothing wrong about it, friends. I offered it you in
summer, but then you did not agree; and now I canât agree to it.
THIRD PEASANT. Master, be merciful! How are we to get along? We have so
little land. Weâll say nothing about the cattle; a hen, letâs say,
thereâs no room to let a hen run about.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA (tightly laced, and wearing a bonnet). Then I am to take
it?
DOCTOR. If the symptoms recur you must certainly take it, but above all,
you must behave better. How can you expect thick syrup to pass through a
thin little hair tube, especially when we squeeze the tube? Itâs
impossible; and so it is with the biliary duct. Itâs simple enough.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. All right, all right!
DOCTOR. Yes. âAll right, all right,â and you go on in the same old way.
It wonât do, madam--it wonât do. Well, good-bye!
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. No, not good-bye, only au revoir! For I still expect you
to-night. I shall not be able to make up my mind without you.
DOCTOR. All right, if I have time Iâll pop in.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA (noticing the PEASANTS). Whatâs this? What? What people
are these?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. These are peasants from Koursk, come to see LeonĂd
FyĂłdoritch about the sale of some land.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. I see they are peasants, but who let them in?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. LeonĂd FyĂłdoritch gave the order. He has just been
speaking to them about the sale of the land.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. What sale? There is no need to sell any. But above all,
how can one let in people from the street into the house? One canât let
people in from the street! One canât let people into the house who have
spent the night heaven knows where!... (Getting more and more excited.)
I daresay every fold of their clothes is full of microbes-- of
scarlet-fever microbes, of smallpox microbes, of diphtheria microbes!
Why, they are from Koursk Government, where there is an epidemic of
diphtheria ... Doctor! Doctor! Call the doctor back!
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH (smokes at the PEASANTS). Never mind, mamma; if you
like Iâll fumigate them so that all the microbes will go to pot! Eh,
what?
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH (to PEASANTS). And do you fatten pigs? Thereâs a
first-rate business!
FIRST PEASANT. Thatâs just so. We do go in for the pig-fattening line
now and then.
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. This kind?...
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Vovo, Vovo, leave off!
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. Isnât it like? Eh, what?
FIRST PEASANT. Thatâs just so. Itâs very resemblant.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Vovo, leave off, I tell you!
SECOND PEASANT. Whatâs it all about?
THIRD PEASANT. I said, weâd better go to some lodging meanwhile!
DOCTOR. Whatâs the matter? Whatâs happened?
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Why, youâre always saying I must not get excited. Now,
how is it possible to keep calm? I do not see my own sister for two
months, and am careful about any doubtful visitor--and here are people
from Koursk, straight from Koursk, where there is an epidemic of
diphtheria, right in my house!
DOCTOR. These good fellows you mean, I suppose?
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Of course. Straight from a diphtheric place!
DOCTOR. Well, of course, if they come from an infected place it is rash;
but still there is no reason to excite yourself so much about it.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. But donât you yourself advise carefulness?
DOCTOR. Of course, of course. Still, why excite yourself?
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. How can I help it? Now we shall have to have the house
completely disinfected.
DOCTOR. Oh, no! Why completely? That would cost 300 roubles or more.
Iâll arrange it cheaply and well for you. Take, to a large bottle of
water....
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Boiled?
DOCTOR. Itâs all the same. Boiled would be better. To one bottle of
water take a tablespoon of salicylic acid, and have everything they have
come in contact with washed with the solution. As to the fellows
themselves, they must be off, of course. Thatâs all. Then youâre quite
safe. And it would do no harm to sprinkle some of the same solution
through a spray--two or three tumblers--youâll see how well it will act.
No danger whatever.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. TĂĄnya! Where is TĂĄnya?
TĂNYA. Did you call, Mâm?
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. You know that big bottle in my dressing-room?
TĂNYA. Out of which we sprinkled the laundress yesterday?
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Well, of course! What other bottle could I mean? Well,
then, take that bottle and first wash with soap the place where they
have been standing, and then with....
TĂNYA. Yes, Mâm; I know how.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. And then take the spray.... However, I had better do that
myself when I get back.
DOCTOR. Well, then, do so, and donât be afraid! Well, au revoir till
this evening.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. And they must be off! Not a trace of them must remain!
Get out, get out! Go--what are you looking at?
FIRST PEASANT. Thatâs just so. Itâs because of our stupidity, as we were
instructed....
GREGORY (pushes the PEASANTS out). There, there; be off!
SECOND PEASANT. Let me have my handkerchief back!
THIRD PEASANT. Oh, Lord, oh, Lord! didnât I say--some lodging-house
meanwhile!
PORTER (who has repeatedly tried to say something).--Will there be any
answer?
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Ah, from Bourdier? (Excitedly.) None! None! You can take
it back. I told her I never ordered such a costume, and I will not allow
my daughter to wear it!
PORTER. I know nothing about it. I was sent....
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Go, go, take it back! I will call myself about it!
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH (solemnly). Sir Messenger from Bourdier, depart!
PORTER. I might have been told that long ago. I have sat here nearly
five hours!
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. Ambassador from Bourdier, begone!
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Cease, please!
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Betsy! Where is she? I always have to wait for her.
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH (shouting at the top of his voice). Betsy!
PETRĂSTCHEF! Come quick, quick, quick! Eh? What?
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. You always keep one waiting!
BETSY. On the contrary, I was waiting for you!
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. How dâyou do! (To BETSY.) You always have an answer
ready!
BETSY. If you are upset, mamma, I had better not go.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Are we going or not?
BETSY. Well, let us go; it canât be helped.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Did you see the man from Bourdier?
BETSY. Yes, and I was very glad. I ordered the costume, and am going to
wear it when it is paid for.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. I am not going to pay for a costume that is indecent!
BETSY. Why has it become indecent? First it was decent, and now you have
a fit of prudery.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Not prudery at all! If the bodice were completely
altered, then it would do.
BETSY. Mamma, that is quite impossible.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Well, get dressed.
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. MĂĄrya KonstantĂnovna, do you notice a vacuum in the
hall?
MĂRYA KONSTANTĂNOVNA. What is it?
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. Bourdierâs man has gone! Eh, what? Good, eh?
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Well, let us go. (Goes out of the door, but returns at
once.) TĂĄnya!
TĂNYA. Yes, Mâm?
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Donât let Frisk catch cold while I am away. If she wants
to be let out, put on her little yellow cloak. She is not quite well
to-day.
TĂNYA. Yes, Mâm.
PETRĂSTCHEF. Well, have you got it?
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. Not without trouble, I can tell you! First I rushed
at the govânor; he began to bellow and turned me out. Off to the
mater--I got it out of her. Itâs here! (Slaps his breast pocket.) If
once I make up my mind, thereâs no getting away from me. I have a deadly
grip! Eh, what? And dâyou know, my wolf-hounds are coming to-day.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH (alone). Yes, nothing but unpleasantness. How is it
they canât live in peace? But one must say the new generation are not
--the thing. And as to the womenâs dominion!... Why, LeonĂd FyĂłdoritch
just now was going to put in a word, but seeing what a frenzy she was
in--slammed the door behind him. He is a wonderfully kind-hearted man.
Yes, wonderfully kind. Whatâs this? Hereâs TĂĄnya bringing them back
again!
TĂNYA. Come in, come in, grand-dads, never mind!
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Why have you brought them back?
TĂNYA. Well, Theodore IvĂĄnitch, we must do something about their
business. I shall have to wash the place anyhow.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. But the business will not come off, I see that
already.
FIRST PEASANT. How could we best put our affair into action, respected
sir? Your reverence might take a little trouble over it, and we should
give you full thankings from the Commune for your trouble.
THIRD PEASANT. Do try, honey! We canât live! We have so little land.
Talk of cattle--why, we have no room to keep a hen!
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. I am sorry for you, friends, but I canât think of any
way to help you. I understand your case very well, but he has refused.
So what can one do? Besides, the lady is also against it. Well, give me
your papers--Iâll try and see what I can do, but I hardly hope to
succeed.
TĂNYA. But tell me, grand-dads, what is it that is wanted?
FIRST PEASANT. Why, only that he should put his signature to our
document.
TĂNYA. That the master should sign? Is that all?
FIRST PEASANT. Yes, only lay his signature on the deed and take the
money, and there would be an end of the matter.
THIRD PEASANT. He only has to write and sign, as the peasants, letâs
say, desire, so, letâs say, I also desire. Thatâs the whole affair--if
heâd only take it and sign it, itâs all done.
TĂNYA (considering). He need only sign the paper and itâs done?
FIRST PEASANT. Thatâs just so. The whole matter is in dependence on
that, and nothing else. Let him sign, and we ask no more.
TĂNYA. Just wait and see what Theodore IvĂĄnitch will say. If he cannot
persuade the master, Iâll try something.
FIRST PEASANT. Get round him, will you?
TĂNYA. Iâll try.
THIRD PEASANT. Ay, the lass is going to bestir herself. Only get the
thing settled, and the Commune will bind itself to keep you all your
life. See there, now!
FIRST PEASANT. If the affair can be put into action, truly we might put
her in a gold frame.
SECOND PEASANT. That goes without saying!
TĂNYA. I canât promise for certain, but as the saying is: âAn attempt is
no sin, if you try....â
FIRST PEASANT. âYou may win.â Thatâs just so.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. No, friends, itâs no go! He has not done it, and he
wonât do it. Here, take your document. You may go.
FIRST PEASANT (gives TĂNYA the paper). Then itâs on you we pin all our
reliance, for example.
TĂNYA. Yes, yes! You go into the street, and Iâll run out to you in a
minute and have a word with you.
TĂNYA. Theodore IvĂĄnitch, dear Theodore IvĂĄnitch, ask the master to come
out and speak to me for a moment. I have something to say to him.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. What next?
TĂNYA. I must, Theodore IvĂĄnitch. Ask him, do; thereâs nothing wrong
about it, on my sacred word.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. But what do you want with him?
TĂNYA. Thatâs a little secret. I will tell you later on, only ask him.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH (smiling). I canât think what you are up to! All
right, Iâll go and ask him.
TĂNYA. Iâll do it! Didnât he say himself that there is that power in
Simon? And I know how to manage. No one found me out that time, and now
Iâll teach Simon what to do. If it doesnât succeed itâs no great matter.
After all itâs not a sin.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH (smiling). Is this the petitioner? Well, what is your
business?
TĂNYA. Itâs a little secret, LeonĂd FyĂłdoritch; let me tell it you
alone.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. What is it? Theodore, leave us for a minute.
TĂNYA. As I have grown up and lived in your house, LeonĂd FyĂłdoritch,
and as I am very grateful to you for everything, I shall open my heart
to you as to a father. Simon, who is living in your house, wants to
marry me.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. So thatâs it!
TĂNYA. I open my heart to you as to a father! I have no one to advise
me, being an orphan.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Well, and why not? He seems a nice lad.
TĂNYA. Yes, thatâs true. He would be all right; there is only one thing
I have my doubts about. Itâs something about him that I have noticed and
canât make out ... perhaps it is something bad.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. What is it? Does he drink?
TĂNYA. God forbid! But since I know that there is such a thing as
spiritalism....
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Ah, you know that?
TĂNYA. Of course! I understand it very well. Some, of course, through
ignorance, donât understand it.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Well, what then?
TĂNYA. I am very much afraid for Simon. It does happen to him.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. What happens to him?
TĂNYA. Something of a kind like spiritalism. You ask any of the
servants. As soon as he gets drowsy at the table, the table begins to
tremble, and creak like that: tuke, ... tuke! All the servants have
heard it.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Why, itâs the very thing I was saying to SergĂ©y
IvĂĄnitch this morning! Yes?...
TĂNYA. Or else ... when was it?... Oh, yes, last Wednesday. We sat down
to dinner, and the spoon just jumps into his hand of itself!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Ah, that is interesting! Jumps into his hand? When he
was drowsing?
TĂNYA. That I didnât notice. I think he was, though.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Yes?...
TĂNYA. And thatâs what Iâm afraid of, and what I wanted to ask you
about. May not some harm come of it? To live oneâs life together, and
him having such a thing in him!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH (smiling). No, you need not be afraid, there is
nothing bad in that. It only proves him to be a medium--simply a medium.
I knew him to be a medium before this.
TĂNYA. So thatâs what it is! And I was afraid!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. No, thereâs nothing to be afraid of. (Aside.) Thatâs
capital! KaptchĂtch canât come, so we will test him to-night.... (To
TĂNYA.) No, my dear, donât be afraid, he will be a good husband and ...
that is only a kind of special power, and every one has it, only in some
it is weaker and in others stronger.
TĂNYA. Thank you, sir. Now I shanât think any more about it; but I was
so frightened.... What a thing it is, our want of education!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. No, no, donât be frightened.... Theodore!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. I am going out now. Get everything ready for
to-nightâs sĂ©ance.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. But Mr. KaptchĂtch is not coming.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. That does not matter. (Puts on overcoat.) We shall
have a trial séance with our own medium.
TĂNYA (alone). He believes it! He believes it! (Shrieks and jumps with
joy.) He really believes it! Isnât it wonderful! (Shrieks.) Now Iâll do
it, if only Simon has pluck for it!
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Well, have you told him your secret?
TĂNYA. Iâll tell you, too, only later on.... But I have a favor to ask
of you, too, Theodore IvĂĄnitch.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Yes? What is it?
TĂNYA (shyly). You have been a second father to me, and I will open my
heart before you as before God.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Donât beat about the bush, but come straight to the
point.
TĂNYA. The point is ... well, the point is, that Simon wants to marry
me.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Is that it? I thought I noticed....
TĂNYA. Well, why should I hide it? I am an orphan, and you know yourself
how matters are in these town establishments. Every one comes bothering;
thereâs that Gregory MihĂĄylitch, for instance, he gives me no peace. And
also that other one ... you know. They think I have no soul, and am only
here for their amusement.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Good girl, thatâs right! Well, what then?
TĂNYA. Well, Simon wrote to his father; and he, his father, sees me
to-day, and says: âHeâs spoiltâ--he means his son. Theodore IvĂĄnitch
(bows), take the place of a father to me, speak to the old man,--to
Simonâs father! I could take them into the kitchen, and you might come
in and speak to the old man!
THEODORE IVĂNITCH (smiling). Then I am to turn match-maker--am I? Well,
I can do that.
TĂNYA. Theodore IvĂĄnitch, dearest, be a father to me, and Iâll pray for
you all my life long.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. All right, all right, Iâll come later on. Havenât I
promised?
TĂNYA. You are a second father to me!
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. All right, all right.
TĂNYA. Then Iâll rely on you.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH (alone, shaking his head). A good affectionate girl.
To think that so many like her perish! Get but once into trouble and
sheâll go from hand to hand until she sinks into the mire, and can never
be found again! There was that dear little Nataly. She, too, was a good
girl, reared and cared for by a mother. (Takes up paper.) Well, letâs
see what tricks Ferdinand is up to in Bulgaria.
CURTAIN
Evening of the same day. The scene represents the interior of the
servantsâ kitchen. The PEASANTS have taken off their outer garments and
sit drinking tea at the table, and perspiring. THEODORE IVĂNITCH is
smoking a cigar at the other side of the stage. The discharged COOK is
lying on the brick oven, and is unseen during the early part of the
scene.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. My advice is, donât hinder him! If itâs his wish and
hers, in Heavenâs name, let him do it. She is a good, honest girl. Never
mind her being a bit dressy; she canât help that, living in town: she is
a good girl all the same.
SECOND PEASANT. Well, of course, if it is his wish, let him! Heâll have
to live with her, not me. But sheâs certainly uncommon spruce. Howâs one
to take her into oneâs hut? Why, sheâll not let her mother-in-law so
much as pat her on the head.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. That does not depend on the spruceness, but on
character. If her nature is good, sheâs sure to be docile and
respectful.
SECOND PEASANT. Ah, well, weâll have her if the ladâs bent on having
her. After all, itâs a bad job to live with one as one donât care for.
Iâll consult my missus, and then may Heaven bless them!
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Then letâs shake hands on it!
SECOND PEASANT. Well, it seems it will have to come off.
FIRST PEASANT. Eh, Zachary! fortuneâs a-smiling on you! Youâve come to
accomplish a piece of business, and just see what a duchess of a
daughter-in-law youâve obtained. All thatâs left to be done is to have a
drink on it, and then it will be all in order.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Thatâs not at all necessary.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. I know something of your way of life, too, you know.
I am even thinking of purchasing a bit of land, building a cottage, and
working on the land myself somewhere; maybe in your neighborhood.
SECOND PEASANT. A very good thing, too.
FIRST PEASANT. Thatâs just it. When one has got the money one can get
all kinds of pleasure in the country.
THIRD PEASANT. Say no more about it! Country life letâs say, is freer in
every way, not like the town!
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. There now, would you let me join your Commune if I
settled among you?
SECOND PEASANT. Why not? If you stand drink for the Elders, theyâll
accept you soon enough!
FIRST PEASANT. And if you open a public-house, for example, or an inn,
why, youâd have such a life youâd never need to die! You might live like
a king, and no mistake.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Well, weâll see. I should certainly like to have a
few quiet years in my old age. Though my life here is good enough, and I
should be sorry to leave. LeonĂd FyĂłdoritch is an exceedingly
kind-hearted man.
FIRST PEASANT. Thatâs just it. But how about our business? Is it
possible that he is going to leave it without any termination?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Heâd do it willingly.
SECOND PEASANT. It seems heâs afraid of his wife.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Itâs not that heâs afraid, but they donât hit things
off together.
THIRD PEASANT. But you should try, father! How are we to live else?
Weâve so little land....
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Weâll see what comes of TĂĄnyaâs attempt. Sheâs taken
the business into her hands now!
THIRD PEASANT (takes a sip of tea). Father, be merciful. Weâve so little
land. A hen, letâs say, weâve no room for a hen, let alone the cattle.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. If the business depended on me.... (To SECOND
PEASANT.) Well, friend, so weâve done our bit of match-making! Itâs
agreed then about TĂĄnya?
SECOND PEASANT. Iâve given my word, and Iâll not go back on it without a
good reason. If only our business succeeds!
SERVANTSâ COOK. Just now Simon was called upstairs from the front
kitchen! The master and that other bald-headed one who calls up spirits
with him, ordered him to sit down and take the place of KaptchĂtch!
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. You donât say so!
SERVANTSâ COOK. Yes, Jacob told TĂĄnya.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Extraordinary!
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. What do you want?
COACHMAN (to THEODORE IVĂNITCH). You may just tell them I never agreed
to live with a lot of dogs! Let any one who likes do it, but I will
never agree to live among dogs!
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. What dogs?
COACHMAN. Three dogs have been sent into our room by VasĂly LeonĂditch!
Theyâve messed it all over. Theyâre whining, and if one comes near them
they bite--the devils! Theyâd tear you to pieces if you didnât mind.
Iâve a good mind to take a club and smash their legs for them!
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. But when did they come?
COACHMAN. Why, to-day, from the Dog Show; the devil knows what kind they
are, but theyâre an expensive sort. Are we or the dogs to live in the
coachmenâs quarters? You just go and ask!
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Yes, that will never do. Iâll go and ask about it.
COACHMAN. Theyâd better be brought here to LoukĂ©rya.
SERVANTSâ COOK (angrily). People have to eat here, and youâd like to
lock dogs in here! As it is....
COACHMAN. And Iâve got the liveries, and the sledge-covers and the
harness there, and they expect things kept clean! Perhaps the porterâs
lodge might do.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. I must ask VasĂly LeonĂditch.
COACHMAN (angrily). Heâd better hang the brutes round his neck and lug
them about with him! But no fear: heâd rather ride on horseback himself.
Itâs he as spoilt. Beauty without rhyme or reason. That was a horse!...
Oh, dear! what a life!
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Thatâs not right! Certainly not right! (To PEASANTS.)
Well, then, itâs time we were saying good-bye, friends.
PEASANTS. Good-bye!
SECOND PEASANT. Heâs sleek, that one; looks like a general.
SERVANTSâ COOK. Rather! Why he has a room all to himself; he gets his
washing, his tea and sugar, and food from the masterâs table.
DISCHARGED COOK (on the oven). Why shouldnât the old beggar live well?
Heâs lined his pockets all right!
SECOND PEASANT. Whoâs that up there, on the oven?
SERVANTSâ COOK. Oh, itâs only a man.
FIRST PEASANT. Well, and you, too, as I noticed a while since when you
were supping, have capital food to eat.
SERVANTSâ COOK. We canât complain. Sheâs not mean about the food. We
have wheat bread every Sunday, and fish when a holiday happens to be a
fast-day, too, and those who like may eat meat.
SECOND PEASANT. And does any one tuck into flesh on fast-days?
SERVANTSâ COOK. Oh, they nearly all do! Only the old coachman--not the
one who was here just now but the old one--and Simon, and I and the
housekeeper, fast--all the others eat meat.
SECOND PEASANT. And the master himself?
SERVANTSâ COOK. Catch him! Why, I bet heâs forgotten there is such a
thing as fasting!
THIRD PEASANT. Oh, Lord!
FIRST PEASANT. Thatâs the gentlefolksâ way: they have got it all out of
their books. âCos of their intelex!
THIRD PEASANT. Shouldnât wonder if they feed on wheat bread every day!
SERVANTSâ COOK. Wheat bread, indeed! Much they think of wheat bread! You
should see what food they eat. No end of different things!
FIRST PEASANT. In course gentlefolksâ food is of an airial kind.
SERVANTSâ COOK. Airial, of course, but all the same theyâre good at
stuffing themselves, they are!
FIRST PEASANT. Have healthy appekites, so to say.
SERVANTSâ COOK. âCos they always rinse it down! All with sweet wines,
and spirits, and fizzy liquors. They have a different one to suit every
kind of food. They eat and rinse it down, and eat and rinse it down,
they do.
FIRST PEASANT. And so the foodâs floated down in proportion, so to say.
SERVANTSâ COOK. Ah, yes, they are good at stuffing! Itâs awful! You see,
itâs not just sitting down, eating, then saying grace and going
away--theyâre always at it!
SECOND PEASANT. Like pigs with their feet in the trough!
SERVANTSâ COOK. As soon as, by Godâs grace, they have opened their eyes,
the samovĂĄr is brought in--tea, coffee, chocolate. Hardly is the second
samovĂĄr emptied, a third has to be set. Then lunch, then dinner, then
again coffee. Theyâve hardly left off, then comes tea, and all sorts of
tit-bits and sweetmeats--thereâs never an end to it! They even lie in
bed and eat!
THIRD PEASANT. There now; thatâs good.
FIRST AND SECOND PEASANTS. What are you about?
THIRD PEASANT. If I could only live a single day like that!
SECOND PEASANT. But when do they do their work?
SERVANTSâ COOK. Work indeed! What is their work? Cards and piano--
thatâs all their work. The young lady used to sit down to the piano as
soon as she opened her eyes, and off sheâd go! And that other one who
lives here, the teacher, stands and waits. âWhen will the piano be
free?â When one has finished, off rattles the other, and sometimes
theyâd put two pianos near one another and four of âem would bust out at
once. Bust out in such a manner, you could hear âem down here!
THIRD PEASANT. Oh, Lord!
SERVANTSâ COOK. Well, and thatâs all the work they do! Piano or cards!
As soon as they have met together--cards, wine, smoking, and so on, all
night long. And as soon as they are up: eating again!
SIMON. Hope youâre enjoying your tea!
FIRST PEASANT. Come and join us.
SIMON. (comes up to the table). Thank you kindly.
SECOND PEASANT. Where have you been?
SIMON. Upstairs.
SECOND PEASANT. Well, and what was being done there?
SIMON. Why, I couldnât make it out at all! I donât know how to explain
it.
SECOND PEASANT. But what was it?
SIMON. I canât explain it. They have been trying some kind of strength
in me. I canât make it out. TĂĄnya says, âDo it, and weâll get the land
for our peasants; heâll sell it them.â
SECOND PEASANT. But how is she going to manage it?
SIMON. I canât make it out, and she wonât say. She says, âDo as I tell
you,â and thatâs all.
SECOND PEASANT. But what is it you have to do?
SIMON. Nothing just now. They made me sit down, put out the lights and
told me to sleep. And TĂĄnya had hidden herself there. They didnât see
her, but I did.
SECOND PEASANT. Why? What for?
SIMON. The Lord only knows--I canât make it out.
FIRST PEASANT. Naturally, it is for the distraction of time.
SECOND PEASANT. Well, itâs clear you and I can make nothing of it. You
had better tell me whether you have taken all your wages yet.
SIMON. No, Iâve not drawn any. I have twenty-eight roubles to the good,
I think.
SECOND PEASANT. Thatâs all right! Well, if God grants that we get the
land, Iâll take you home, Simon.
SIMON. With all my heart!
SECOND PEASANT. Youâve got spoilt, I should say. Youâll not want to
plough?
SIMON. Plough? Only give me the chance! Plough or mow,--Iâm game. Those
are things one doesnât forget.
FIRST PEASANT. But it donât seem very desirous after town life, for
example? Eh!
SIMON. Itâs good enough for me. One can live in the country, too.
FIRST PEASANT. And Daddy MĂtry here is already on the look-out for your
place; heâs hankering after a life of luckshury!
SIMON. Eh, Daddy MĂtry, youâd soon get sick of it. It seems easy enough
when one looks at it, but thereâs a lot of running about that takes it
out of one.
SERVANTSâ COOK. You should see one of their balls, Daddy MĂtry, then you
would be surprised!
THIRD PEASANT. Why, do they eat all the time?
SERVANTSâ COOK. My eye! You should have seen what we had here awhile
ago. Theodore IvĂĄnitch took me upstairs and I peeped in. The ladies--
awful! Dressed up! Dressed up, bless my heart, and all bare down to
here, and their arms bare.
THIRD PEASANT. Oh, Lord!
SECOND PEASANT. Faugh! How beastly!
FIRST PEASANT. I take it the climate allows of that sort of thing!
SERVANTSâ COOK. Well, daddy, so I peeped in. Dear me, what it was like!
All of âem in their natural skins! Would you believe it: old women--our
mistress, only think, sheâs a grandmother, and even sheâd gone and bared
her shoulders.
THIRD PEASANT. Oh, Lord!
SERVANTSâ COOK. And what next? The music strikes up, and each man of âem
went up to his own, catches hold of her, and off they go twirling round
and round!
SECOND PEASANT. The old women, too?
SERVANTSâ COOK. Yes, the old ones, too.
SIMON. No, the old ones sit still.
SERVANTSâ COOK. Get along,--Iâve seen it myself!
SIMON. No, they donât.
DISCHARGED COOK (in a hoarse voice, looking down from the oven). Thatâs
the Polka-Mazurka. You fools donât understand what dancing is. The way
they dance....
SERVANTSâ COOK. Shut up, you dancer! And keep quiet--thereâs some one
coming.
GREGORY (to SERVANTSâ COOK). Bring some sour cabbage.
SERVANTSâ COOK. I am only just up from the cellar, and now I must go
down again! Who is it for?
GREGORY. For the young ladies. Be quick, and send it up with Simon. I
canât wait!
SERVANTSâ COOK. There now, they tuck into sweetmeats till they are full
up, and then they crave for sour cabbage!
FIRST PEASANT. Thatâs to make a clearance.
SERVANTSâ COOK. Of course, and as soon as there is room inside, they
begin again!
GREGORY (at PEASANTS). Look at them, how theyâve established themselves
down here! Mind, if the mistress finds it out sheâll give it you hot,
like she did this morning!
FIRST PEASANT. Thatâs just it, she did raise a storm that time--awful!
SECOND PEASANT. That time it looked as if the master was going to step
in, but seeing that the missus was about to blow the very roof off the
house, he slams the door. Have your own way, thinks he.
THIRD PEASANT (waving his arm). Itâs the same everywhere. My old woman,
letâs say, she kicks up such a rumpus sometimes--itâs just awful! Then I
just get out of the hut. Let her go to Jericho! Sheâll give you one with
the poker if you donât mind. Oh, Lord!
JACOB. Here, Simon, you run to the chemistâs and get these powders for
the mistress!
SIMON. But master told me not to go out.
JACOB. Youâve plenty of time; your business wonât begin till after their
tea. Hope you are enjoying your tea!
FIRST PEASANT. Thanks, come and join us.
JACOB. I havenât time. However, Iâll just have one cup for companyâs
sake.
FIRST PEASANT. And weâve just been having a conversation as to how your
mistress carried on so haughty this morning.
JACOB. Oh, sheâs a regâlar fury! So hot-tempered, that she gets quite
beside herself. Sometimes she even bursts out crying.
FIRST PEASANT. Now, thereâs a thing I wanted to ask you about. What, for
example, be these mikerots she was illuding to erewhile? âTheyâve
infested the house with mikerots, with mikerots,â she says. What is one
to make of these same mikerots?
JACOB. Mikerogues, you mean! Well, it seems there is such a kind of
bugs; all illnesses come from them, they say. So she says there are some
of âem on you. After you were gone, they washed and washed and sprinkled
the place where you had stood. Thereâs a kind of physic as kills these
same bugs, they say. Second Peasant. Then where have we got these bugs
on us?
JACOB (drinking his tea). Why, they say theyâre so small that one canât
see âem even through a glass.
SECOND PEASANT. Then how does she know Iâve got âem on me? Perhaps
thereâs more of that muck on her than on me!
JACOB. There now, you go and ask her!
SECOND PEASANT. I believe itâs humbug.
JACOB. Of course itâs bosh. The doctors must invent something, or else
what are they paid for? Thereâs one comes to us every day. Comes,--
talks a bit,--and pockets ten roubles!
SECOND PEASANT. Nonsense!
JACOB. Why, thereâs one as takes a hundred!
FIRST PEASANT. A hundred? Humbug!
JACOB. A hundred. Humbug, you say? Why, if he has to go out of town,
heâll not do it for less than a thousand! âGive a thousand,â he says,
âor else you may kick the bucket for what I care!â
THIRD PEASANT. Oh, Lord!
SECOND PEASANT. Then does he know some charm?
JACOB. I suppose he must. I served at a Generalâs outside Moscow once: a
cross, terrible proud old fellow he was--just awful. Well, this
Generalâs daughter fell ill. They send for that doctor at once. âA
thousand roubles, then Iâll come.â Well, they agreed, and he came. Then
they did something or other he didnât like, and he bawled out at the
General and says, âIs this the way you show your respect for me? Then
Iâll not attend her!â And, oh, my! The old General forgot all his pride,
and starts wheedling him in every way not to chuck up the job!
FIRST PEASANT. And he got the thousand?
JACOB. Of course!
SECOND PEASANT. Thatâs easy got money. What wouldnât a peasant do with
such a sum!
THIRD PEASANT. And I think itâs all bosh. That time my foot was
festering I had it doctored ever so long. I spent nigh on five roubles
on it,--then I gave up doctoring, and it got all right!
JACOB. Ah, the old crony is here again!
FIRST PEASANT. Who might that man be?
JACOB. He used to be our masterâs cook. He comes to see LoukĂ©rya.
FIRST PEASANT. Kitchen-master, as one might say. Then, does he live
here?
JACOB. No, they wonât allow that. Heâs here one day, there another. If
heâs got a copper he goes to a dosshouse; but when he has drunk all, he
comes here.
SECOND PEASANT. How did he come to this?
JACOB. Simply grew weak. And what a man he used to be--like a gentleman!
Went about with a gold watch; got forty roubles a month wages. And now
look at him! Heâd have starved to death long ago if it hadnât been for
Loukérya.
JACOB (to SERVANTSâ COOK). I see youâve got Paul PetrĂłvitch here again?
SERVANTSâ COOK. And whereâs he to go to? Is he to go and freeze?
THIRD PEASANT. What liquor does.... Liquor, letâs say....
SECOND PEASANT. Of course. A firm manâs firm as a rock; a weak manâs
weaker than water.
DISCHARGED COOK (gets off the oven with trembling hands and legs).
Loukérya, I say, give us a drop!
SERVANTSâ COOK. What are you up to? Iâll give you such a drop!...
DISCHARGED COOK. Have you no conscience? Iâm dying! Brothers, a
copper....
SERVANTSâ COOK. Get back on the oven, I tell you!
DISCHARGED COOK. Half a glass only, cook, for Heavenâs sake! I say, do
you understand? I ask you in the name of Heaven, now!
SERVANTSâ COOK. Come along, hereâs some tea for you.
DISCHARGED COOK. Tea; what is tea? Weak, sloppy stuff. A little vĂłdka
--just one little drop.... Loukérya!
THIRD PEASANT. Poor old soul, what agony it is!
SECOND PEASANT. Youâd better give him some.
SERVANTSâ COOK (gets out a bottle and fills a wine-glass). Here you are;
youâll get no more.
DISCHARGED COOK (clutches hold of it and drinks, trembling all over).
Loukérya, Cook! I am drinking, and you must understand....
SERVANTSâ COOK. Now, then, stop your chatter! Get on to the oven, and
let not a breath of you be heard!
SECOND PEASANT. What it is, when a man gives way to his weakness!
FIRST PEASANT. Thatâs just it--human weakness.
THIRD PEASANT. That goes without saying.
SECOND PEASANT. I want to ask you something: that girl of AksĂnyaâs as
comes from our village and is living here. How is she? What is she like?
How is she living--I mean, does she live honest?
JACOB. Sheâs a nice girl; one can say nothing but good of her.
SERVANTSâ COOK. Iâll tell you straight, daddy; I know this here
establishment out and out, and if you mean to have TĂĄnya for your sonâs
wife--be quick about it, before she comes to grief, or else sheâll not
escape!
JACOB. Yes, thatâs true. A while ago we had a girl here, Nataly. She was
a good girl too. And she was lost without rhyme or reason. No better
than that chap!
SERVANTSâ COOK. Thereâs enough to dam a mill-pool, with the likes of us,
as perish! âCos why, every one is tempted by the easy life and the good
food. And see there,--as soon as one has tasted the good food she goes
and slips. And once sheâs slipped, they donât want her, but get a fresh
one in her place. So it was with dear little Nataly; she also slipped,
and they turned her out. She had a child and fell ill, and died in the
hospital last spring. And what a girl she used to be!
THIRD PEASANT. Oh, Lord! People are weak; they ought to be pitied.
DISCHARGED COOK. Those devils pity? No fear! (He hangs his legs down
from the oven.) I have stood roasting myself by the kitchen range for
thirty years, and now that I am not wanted, I may go and die like a
dog.... Pity indeed!...
FIRST PEASANT. Thatâs just it. Itâs the old circumstances.
SECOND PEASANT. While they drank and they fed, you were âcurly head.â
When theyâd finished the prog, âtwas âGet out, mangy dog!â
THIRD PEASANT. Oh Lord!
DISCHARGED COOK. Much you know. What is âSautey a la Bongmontâ? What is
âBavassaryâ? Oh, the things I could make! Think of it! The Emperor
tasted my work, and now the devils want me no longer. But I am not going
to stand it!
SERVANTSâ COOK. Now, then, stop that noise, mind.... Get up right into
the corner, so that no one can see you, or else Theodore IvĂĄnitch or
some one may come in, and both you and meâll be turned out!
JACOB. And do you know my part of the country? Iâm from VoznesĂ©nsky.
SECOND PEASANT. Not know it? Why, itâs no moreân ten miles from our
village; not that across the ford! Do you cultivate any land there?
JACOB. My brother does, and I send my wages. Though I live here, I am
dying for a sight of home.
FIRST PEASANT. Thatâs just it.
SECOND PEASANT. Then AnĂsim is your brother?
JACOB. Own brother. He lives at the farther end of the village.
SECOND PEASANT. Of course, I know; his is the third house.
TĂNYA. Jacob, what are you doing, amusing yourself here? She is calling
you!
JACOB. Iâm coming; but whatâs up?
TĂNYA. Frisk is barking; itâs hungry. And sheâs scolding you. âHow cruel
he is,â she says. âHeâs no feeling,â she says. âItâs long past Friskâs
dinner-time, and he has not brought her food!â
JACOB (rises to go). Oh, sheâs cross? Whatâs going to happen now, I
wonder?
SERVANTSâ COOK. Here, take the cabbage with you.
JACOB. All right, give it here.
FIRST PEASANT. Who is going to dine now?
TĂNYA. Why, the dog! Itâs her dog. (Sits down and takes up the tea-pot.)
Is there any more tea? Iâve brought some.
FIRST PEASANT. Dinner for a dog?
TĂNYA. Yes, of course! They prepare a special cutlet for her; it must
not be too fat. And I do the washing--the dogâs washing, I mean.
THIRD PEASANT. Oh Lord!
TĂNYA. Itâs like that gentleman who had a funeral for his dog.
SECOND PEASANT. Whatâs that?
TĂNYA. Why, some one told me he had a dog--I mean the gentleman had a
dog. And it died. It was winter, and he went in his sledge to bury that
dog. Well, he buried it, and on the way home he sits and cries-- the
gentleman does. Well, there was such a bitter frost that the coachmanâs
nose keeps running, and he has to keep wiping it. Let me fill your cup!
(Fills it.) So he keeps wiping his nose, and the gentleman sees it, and
says, âWhat are you crying about?â And the coachman, he says, âWhy, sir,
how can I help it; is there another dog like him?â
SECOND PEASANT. And I daresay he thinks to himself, âIf your own self
was to kick the bucket Iâd not cry.â
DISCHARGED COOK (from up on the oven). That is true; thatâs right!
TĂNYA. Well, the gentleman, he gets home and goes straight to his lady:
âWhat a good-hearted man our coachman is; he was crying all the way home
about poor Dash. Have him called.... Here, drink this glass of vĂłdka,â
he says, âand hereâs a rouble as a reward for you.â Thatâs just like her
saying Jacob has no feelings for her dog!
FIRST PEASANT. Thatâs the style!
SECOND PEASANT. That was a go!
THIRD PEASANT. Aye, lassie, but youâve set us a-laughing!
TĂNYA (pouring out more tea). Have some more! Yes, it only seems that
our life is pleasant; but sometimes it is very disgusting,--clearing up
all their messes! Faugh! Itâs better in the country. (PEASANTS turn
their cups upside-down, as a polite sign that they have had enough.
TĂNYA pours out more tea.) Have some more, EfĂm AntĂłnitch. Iâll fill
your cup, MĂtry VlĂĄsitch.
THIRD PEASANT. All right, fill it, fill it.
FIRST PEASANT. Well, dear, and what progression is our business making?
TĂNYA. Itâs getting on....
FIRST PEASANT. Simon told us....
TĂNYA. (quickly). Did he?
SECOND PEASANT. But he could not make us understand.
TĂNYA. I canât tell you now, but Iâm doing my best--all I can! And Iâve
got your paper here! (Shows the paper hidden under the bib of her
apron.) If only one thing succeeds ... (Shrieks.) Oh, how nice it would
be!
SECOND PEASANT. Donât lose that paper, mind. It has cost money.
TĂNYA. Never fear. You only want him to sign it? Is that all?
THIRD PEASANT. Why, what else? Letâs say heâs signed it, and itâs done!
(Turns his cup upside-down.) Iâve had enough.
TĂNYA (aside). Heâll sign it; youâll see he will.... Have some more.
FIRST PEASANT. If only you get this business about the sale of the land
settled, the Commune would pay your marriage expenses.
TĂNYA (pouring out tea). Do have another cup.
THIRD PEASANT. You get it done, and weâll arrange your marriage, and I
myself, letâs say, will dance at the wedding. Though Iâve never danced
in all my born days, Iâll dance then!
TĂNYA (laughing). All right, Iâll be in hopes of it.
SECOND PEASANT (examines TĂNYA). Thatâs all very well, but youâre not
fit for peasant work.
TĂNYA. Who? I? Why, donât you think me strong enough? You should see me
lacing up my mistress. Thereâs many a peasant couldnât tug as hard.
SECOND PEASANT. Where do you tug her to?
TĂNYA. Well, thereâs a thing made with bone, like--something like a
stiff jacket, only up to here! Well, and I pull the strings just as when
you saddle a horse--when you ... what dâye call it? You know, when you
spit on your hands!
SECOND PEASANT. Tighten the girths, you mean.
TĂNYA. Yes, yes, thatâs it. And you know I mustnât shove against her
with my knee.
SECOND PEASANT. Why do you pull her in?
TĂNYA. For a reason!
SECOND PEASANT. Why, is she doing penance?
TĂNYA. No, itâs for beautyâs sake!
FIRST PEASANT. Thatâs to say, you pull in her paunch for appearanceâ
sake.
TĂNYA. Sometimes I lace her up so that her eyes are ready to start from
her head, and she says, âTighter,â till my hands tingle. And you say Iâm
not strong!
TĂNYA. But here, Iâve been jabbering.
THIRD PEASANT. Ah, the lassie has made us laugh!
FIRST PEASANT. Sheâs a tidy one!
SECOND PEASANT. Sheâs not bad.
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. Not exactly a dinner, but a dĂ©jeuner dinatoire. And
first-rate it was, I tell you. Ham of sucking-pig, delicious! Roulier
feeds one splendidly! Iâve only just returned. (Sees PEASANTS.) Ah, the
peasants are here again!
SAHĂTOF. Yes, yes, thatâs all very well, but we came here to hide this
article. Where shall we hide it?
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. Excuse me a moment. (To SERVANTSâ COOK.) Where are
the dogs?
SERVANTSâ COOK. In the coachmanâs quarters. You canât keep dogs in the
servantsâ kitchen!
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. Ah, in the coachmanâs quarters? All right.
SAHĂTOF. I am waiting.
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. Excuse me, please. Eh, what? Hide it? Iâll tell you
what. Letâs put it into one of the peasantsâ pockets. That one. I say,
whereâs your pocket? Eh, what?
THIRD PEASANT. What for dâye want my pocket? Youâre a good âun! My
pocket! Thereâs money in my pocket!
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. Whereâs your bag, then?
THIRD PEASANT. What for?
SERVANTSâ COOK. What dâyou mean? Thatâs the young master!
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH (laughs. To SAHĂTOF). Dâyou know why heâs so
frightened? Shall I tell you? Heâs got a heap of money. Eh, what?
SAHĂTOF. Yes, yes, I see. Well, you talk to them a bit, and Iâll put it
into that bag without being observed, so that they should not notice and
could not point it out to him. Talk to them.
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. All right! (To PEASANTS.) Well then, old fellows, how
about the land? Are you buying it? Eh, what?
FIRST PEASANT. We have made an offering, so to say, with our whole
heart. But there,--the business donât come into action nohow.
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. You should not be so stingy! Land is an important
matter! I told you about planting mint. Or else tobacco would also do.
FIRST PEASANT. Thatâs just it. Every kind of producks.
THIRD PEASANT. And you help us, master. Ask your father. Or else how are
we to live? Thereâs so little land. A fowl, letâs say, thereâs not
enough room for a fowl to run about.
SAHĂTOF (having put the spoon into a bag belonging to the THIRD
PEASANT). Câest fait. Ready. Come along.
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. So donât be stingy! Eh? Well, good-bye.
THIRD PEASANT. Didnât I say, come to some lodging-house? Well, supposing
weâd had to give three-pence each, then at least weâd have been in
peace. As to here, the Lord be merciful! âGive us the money,â he says.
Whatâs that for?
SECOND PEASANT. Heâs drunk, I daresay.
FIRST PEASANT. And dâyou mind what a saying he threw out? Sowing mint!
One must know how to understand them, that one must!
SECOND PEASANT. Sow mint indeed! Heâd better bend his own back at that
work, and then itâs not mint heâll hanker after, no fear! Well, many
thanks!... And now, good woman, would you tell us where we could lie
down to sleep?
SERVANTSâ COOK. One of you can lie on the oven, and the others on these
benches.
THIRD PEASANT. Christ save you!
FIRST PEASANT. If only by Godâs help we get our business settled! (Lies
down.) Then to-morrow, after dinner, weâd be off by the train, and on
Tuesday weâd be home again.
SECOND PEASANT. Are you going to put out the light?
SERVANTSâ COOK. Put it out? Oh, no! Theyâll keep running down here,
first for one thing then another.... You lie down, Iâll lower it.
SECOND PEASANT. How is one to live, having so little land? Why, this
year, I have had to buy corn since Christmas. And the oat-straw is all
used up. Iâd like to get hold of ten acres, and then I could take Simon
back.
THIRD PEASANT. Youâre a man with a family. Youâd get the land cultivated
without trouble. If only the business comes off.
SECOND PEASANT. We must pray to the Holy Virgin, maybe sheâll help us
out. (Silence, broken by sighs. Then footsteps and voices are heard
outside. The door opens. Enter GROSSMAN hurriedly, with his eyes
bandaged, holding SAHĂTOFâS hand, and followed by the PROFESSOR and the
DOCTOR, the FAT LADY and LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH, BETSY and PETRĂSTCHEF,
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH and MĂRYA KONSTANTĂNOVNA, ANNA PĂVLOVNA and the
BARONESS, THEODORE IVĂNITCH and TĂNYA.)
FAT LADY. You need not trouble yourselves; I have undertaken the task of
observing, and am strictly fulfilling my duty! Mr. SahĂĄtof, are you not
leading him?
SAHĂTOF. Of course not!
FAT LADY. You must not lead him, but neither must you resist! (To LEONĂD
FYĂDORITCH.) I know these experiments. I have tried them myself.
Sometimes I used to feel a certain effluence, and as soon as I felt
it....
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. May I beg of you to keep perfect silence?
FAT LADY. Oh, I understand so well! I have experienced it myself. As
soon as my attention was diverted I could no longer....
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Sh...!
BARONESS. Mais dites-moi, on le paye?[6]
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Je ne saurais vous dire.
BARONESS. Mais câest un monsieur?
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Oh, oui!
BARONESS. Ăa tient du miraculeux. Nâest ce pas? Comment est-ce quâil
trouve?
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Je ne saurais vous dire. Mon mari vous lâexpliquera.
(Noticing PEASANTS, turns round, and sees the SERVANTSâ COOK.) Pardon
... what is this?
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. (to SERVANTSâ COOK). Who let the peasants in?
SERVANTSâ COOK. Jacob brought them in.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Who gave Jacob the order?
SERVANTSâ COOK. I canât say. Theodore IvĂĄnitch has seen them.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. LeonĂd!
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Theodore IvĂĄnitch! What is the meaning of this? Did you
not see me disinfecting the whole hall, and now the whole kitchen is
infected, all the rye bread, the milk....
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. I thought there would not be any danger if they came
here. The men have come on business. They have far to go, and are from
our village.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Thatâs the worst of it! They are from the Koursk village,
where people are dying of diphtheria like flies! But the chief thing is,
I ordered them out of the house!... Did I, or did I not? (Approaches the
others that have gathered round the PEASANTS.) Be careful! Donât touch
them--they are all infected with diphtheria!
PETRĂSTCHEF (sniffs loudly). I donât know if it is diphtheria, but there
is some kind of infection in the air. Donât you notice it?
BETSY. Stop your nonsense! Vovo, which bag is it in?
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. That one, that one. He is getting near, very near!
PETRĂSTCHEF. Is it spirits divine, or spirits of wine?
BETSY. Now your cigarette comes in handy for once. Smoke closer, closer
to me.
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. Heâs getting near, I tell you. Eh, what?
GROSSMAN (searches excitedly round the THIRD PEASANT). It is here; I
feel it is!
FAT LADY. Do you feel an effluence?
ALL. Bravo!
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. Ah! So thatâs where our spoon was. (To PEASANTS.)
Then thatâs the sort you are!
THIRD PEASANT. What sort? I didnât take your spoon! What are you making
out? I didnât take it, and my soul knows nothing about it. I didnât take
it--there! Let him do what he likes. I knew he came here for no good.
âWhereâs your bag?â says he. I didnât take it, the Lord is my witness!
(Crosses himself.) I didnât take it!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH (angrily to his son). Always playing the fool! (To the
THIRD PEASANT.) Never mind, friend! We know you did not take it; it was
only an experiment.
GROSSMAN (removes bandage from his eyes, and pretends to be coming to).
Can I have a little water?
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. Letâs go straight from here into the coachmanâs room.
Iâve got a bitch there--Ă©pĂątante![7]
BETSY. What a horrid word! Couldnât you say dog?
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. No. I canât say--Betsy is a man, Ă©pĂątante. I should
have to say young woman; itâs a parallel case. Eh, what? MĂĄrya
KonstantĂnovna, isnât it true? Good, eh?
MĂRYA KONSTANTĂNOVNA. Well, let us go.
FAT LADY (to GROSSMAN). Well? how are you? Have you rested? (GROSSMAN
does not answer. To SAHĂTOF.) And you, Mr. SahĂĄtof, did you feel the
effluence?
SAHĂTOF. I felt nothing. Yes, it was very fine--very fine. Quite a
success!
BARONESS.--Admirable! Ăa ne le fait pas souffrir? [8]
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Pas le moins du monde.
PROFESSOR (to GROSSMAN). May I trouble you? (Hands him a thermometer.)
At the beginning of the experiment it was 37 decimal 2 degrees. [9] (To
DOCTOR.) Thatâs right, I think? Would you mind feeling his pulse? Some
loss is inevitable.
DOCTOR (to GROSSMAN). Now then, sir, letâs have your hand; weâll see,
weâll see.
FAT LADY (to GROSSMAN). One moment! The condition you were in could not
be called sleep?
GROSSMAN (wearily). It was hypnosis.
SAHĂTOF. In that case, are we to understand that you hypnotised
yourself?
GROSSMAN. And why not? An hypnotic state may ensue not only in
consequence of association--the sound of the tom-tom, for instance, in
Charcotâs method--but by merely entering an hypnogenetic zone.
SAHĂTOF. Granting that, it would still be desirable to define what
hypnotism is, more exactly?
PROFESSOR. Hypnotism is a phenomenon resulting from the transmutation of
one energy into another.
GROSSMAN. Charcot does not so define it.
SAHĂTOF. A moment, just a moment! That is your definition, but LiĂ©bault
told me himself....
DOCTOR (lets go of GROSSMANâS pulse). Ah, thatâs all right; well, now,
the temperature?
FAT LADY (interrupting). No, allow me! I agree with the Professor. And
hereâs the very best proof. After my illness, when I lay insensible, a
desire to speak came over me. In general I am of a silent disposition,
but then I was overcome by this desire to speak, and I spoke and spoke,
and I was told that I spoke in such a way that every one was astonished!
(To SAHĂTOF.) But I think I interrupted you?
SAHĂTOF (with dignity). Not at all. Pray continue.
DOCTOR. Pulse 82, and the temperature has risen three-tenths of a
degree.
PROFESSOR. There you are! Thatâs a proof! Thatâs just as it should be.
(Takes out pocket-book and writes.) 82, yes? And 37 and 5. When the
hypnotic state is induced, it invariably produces a heightened action of
the heart.
DOCTOR. I can, as a medical man, bear witness that your prognosis was
justified by the event.
PROFESSOR (to SAHĂTOF). You were saying?...
SAHĂTOF. I wished to say that LiĂ©bault told me himself that the hypnotic
is only one particular psychical state, increasing susceptibility to
suggestion.
PROFESSOR. That is so, but still the law of equivalents is the chief
thing.
GROSSMAN. Moreover, Liébault is far from being an authority, while
Charcot has studied the subject from all sides, and has proved that
hypnotism produced by a blow, a trauma....
FAT LADY (interrupting). One moment, I will explain it to you in two
words. When my husband was ill, all the doctors gave him up....
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. However, we had better go upstairs again. Baroness,
this way!
ANNA PĂVLOVNA (catching hold of LEONĂD FYĂDORITCHâS arm). How often have
I asked you not to interfere in household matters! You think of nothing
but your nonsense, and the whole house is on my shoulders. You will
infect us all!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. What? How? I donât understand what you mean.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. How? Why, people ill of diphtheria sleep in the kitchen,
which is in constant communication with the whole house.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Yes, but I....
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. What, I?
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. I know nothing about it.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Itâs your duty to know, if you are the head of the
family. Such things must not be done.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. But I never thought.... I thought....
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. It is sickening to listen to you!
ANNA PĂVLOVNA (to THEODORE IVĂNITCH). Turn them out at once! They are to
leave my kitchen immediately! It is terrible! No one listens to me; they
do it out of spite.... I turn them out from there, and they bring them
in here! And with my illness.... (Gets more and more excited, and at
last begins to cry.) Doctor! Doctor! Peter PetrĂłvitch!... Heâs gone
too!...
THIRD PEASANT. Botheration take them all! If one donât mind, the police
will be after one here. And I have never been to law in all my born
days. Letâs go to some lodging-house, lads!
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. (to TĂNYA). What are we to do?
TĂNYA. Never mind, Theodore IvĂĄnitch, let them sleep with the coachman.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. How can we do that? The coachman was complaining as
it is, that his place is full of dogs.
TĂNYA. Well, then, the porterâs lodge.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. And supposing itâs found out?
TĂNYA. It wonât be found out! Donât trouble about that, Theodore
IvĂĄnitch. How can one turn them out now, at night? Theyâll not find
anywhere to go to.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Well, do as you please. Only they must go away from
here.
DISCHARGED COOK. Oh those damned fiends! Itâs all their fat! Fiends!
SERVANTSâ COOK. You be quiet there. Thank goodness they didnât see you!
TĂNYA. Well then, daddy, come along to the porterâs lodge.
FIRST PEASANT. Well, but how about our business? How, for example, about
the applience of his hand to the signature? May we be in hopes?
TĂNYA. Weâll see in an hourâs time.
SECOND PEASANT. Youâll do the trick?
TĂNYA (laughs). Yes, God willing!
CURTAIN
Evening of the same day. The small drawing-room in LEONĂD FYĂDORITCHâS
house, where the sĂ©ances are always held. LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH and the
PROFESSOR.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Well then, shall we risk a sĂ©ance with our new
medium?
PROFESSOR. Yes, certainly. He is a powerful medium, there is no doubt
about it. And it is especially desirable that the séance should take
place to-day with the same people. Grossman will certainly respond to
the influence of the mediumistic energy, and then the connection and
identity of the different phenomena will be still more evident. You will
see then that, if the medium is as strong as he was just now, Grossman
will vibrate.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Then I will send for Simon and ask those who wish to
attend to come in.
PROFESSOR. Yes, all right! I will just jot down a few notes.
SAHĂTOF. They have just settled down to whist in Anna PĂĄvlovnaâs
drawing-room, and as I am not wanted there--and as I am interested in
your séance--I have put in an appearance here. But will there be a
séance?
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Yes, certainly!
SAHĂTOF. In spite of the absence of Mr. KaptchĂtchâs mediumistic powers?
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Vous avez la main heureuse. [10] Fancy, that very
peasant whom I mentioned to you this morning turns out to be an
undoubted medium.
SAHĂTOF. Dear me! Yes, that is peculiarly interesting!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Yes, we tried a few preliminary experiments with him
just after dinner.
SAHĂTOF. So youâve had time already to experiment, and to convince
yourself....
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Yes, perfectly! And he turns out to be an
exceptionally powerful medium.
SAHĂTOF (incredulously). Dear me!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. It turns out that it has long been noticed in the
servantsâ hall. When he sits down to table, the spoon springs into his
hand of its own accord! (To the PROFESSOR.) Had you heard about it?
PROFESSOR. No, I had not heard that detail.
SAHĂTOF (to the PROFESSOR). But still, you admit the possibility of such
phenomena?
PROFESSOR. What phenomena?
SAHĂTOF. Well, spiritualistic, mediumistic, and supernatural phenomena
in general.
PROFESSOR. The question is, what do we consider supernatural? When, not
a living man but a piece of stone attracted a nail to itself, how did
the phenomena strike the first observers? As something natural? Or
supernatural?
SAHĂTOF. Well, of course; but phenomena such as the magnet attracting
iron always repeat themselves.
PROFESSOR. It is just the same in this case. The phenomenon repeats
itself and we experiment with it. And not only that, but we apply to the
phenomena we are investigating the laws common to other phenomena. These
phenomena seem supernatural only because their causes are attributed to
the medium himself. But that is where the mistake lies. The phenomena
are not caused by the medium, but by psychic energy acting through a
medium, and that is a very different thing. The whole matter lies in the
law of equivalents.
SAHĂTOF. Yes, certainly, but....
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Only remember that we cannot reckon on any results
with certainty, with this medium any more than with Home or KaptchĂtch.
We may not succeed, but on the other hand we may even have perfect
materialisation.
SAHĂTOF. Materialisation even? What do you mean by materialisation?
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Why, I mean that some one who is dead--say, your
father or your grandfather--may appear, take you by the hand, or give
you something; or else some one may suddenly rise into the air, as
happened to AlexĂ©y VladĂmiritch last time.
PROFESSOR. Of course, of course. But the chief thing is the explanation
of the phenomena, and the application to them of general laws.
FAT LADY. Anna PĂĄvlovna has allowed me to join you.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Very pleased.
FAT LADY. Oh, how tired Grossman seems! He could scarcely hold his cup.
Did you notice (to the PROFESSOR) how pale he turned at the moment he
approached the hiding-place? I noticed it at once, and was the first to
mention it to Anna PĂĄvlovna.
PROFESSOR. Undoubtedly,--loss of vital energy.
FAT LADY. Yes, itâs just as I say, one should not abuse that sort of
thing. You know, a hypnotist once suggested to a friend of mine, VĂ©ra
KĂłnshin (oh, you know her, of course)--well, he suggested that she
should leave off smoking,--and her back began to ache!
PROFESSOR (trying to have his say). The temperature and the pulse
clearly indicate....
FAT LADY. One moment! Allow me! Well, I said to her: itâs better to
smoke than to suffer so with oneâs nerves. Of course, smoking is
injurious; I should like to give it up myself, but, do what I will, I
canât! Once I managed not to smoke for a fortnight, but could hold out
no longer.
PROFESSOR (again trying to speak). Clearly proves....
FAT LADY. Yes, no! Allow me, just one word! You say, âloss of strength.â
And I was also going to say that, when I travelled with post-horses ...
the roads used to be dreadful in those days--you donât remember--but I
have noticed that all our nervousness comes from railways! I, for
instance, canât sleep while travelling; I cannot fall asleep to save my
life!
PROFESSOR (makes another attempt, which the FAT LADY baffles). The loss
of strength....
SAHĂTOF (smiling). Yes; oh yes!
FAT LADY. I am awake one night, and another, and a third, and still I
canât sleep!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Please tell Theodore to get everything ready for the
sĂ©ance, and send Simon here--Simon, the butlerâs assistant,--do you
hear?
GREGORY. Yes, sir.
PROFESSOR (to SAHĂTOF). The observation of the temperature and the pulse
have shown loss of vital energy. The same will happen in consequence of
the mediumistic phenomena. The law of the conservation of energy....
FAT LADY. Oh yes, yes; I was just going to say that I am very glad that
a simple peasant turns out to be a medium. Thatâs very good. I always
did say that the Slavophils....
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Letâs go into the drawing-room in the meantime.
FAT LADY. Allow me, just one word! The Slavophils are right; but I
always told my husband that one ought never to exaggerate anything! âThe
golden mean,â you know. What is the use of maintaining that the common
people are all perfect, when I have myself seen....
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Wonât you come into the drawing-room?
FAT LADY. A boy--that high--who drank! I gave him a scolding at once.
And he was grateful to me afterwards. They are children, and, as I
always say, children need both love and severity!
TĂNYA. Oh, if it would only succeed!
BETSY. Isnât papa here? (Looks inquiringly at TĂNYA.) What are you doing
here?
TĂNYA. Oh, Miss Elizabeth, I have only just come; I only wished ... only
came in....
BETSY. But they are going to have a sĂ©ance here directly (Notices TĂNYA
drawing in the threads, looks at her, and suddenly bursts out laughing.)
TĂĄnya! Why, itâs you who do it all? Now donât deny it. And last time it
was you too? Yes, it was, it was!
TĂNYA. Miss Elizabeth, dearest!
BETSY (delighted). Oh, that is a joke! Well, I never. But why do you do
it?
TĂNYA. Oh miss, dear miss, donât betray me!
BETSY. Not for the world! Iâm awfully glad. Only tell me how you manage
it?
TĂNYA. Well, I just hide, and then, when itâs all dark, I come out and
do it. Thatâs how.
BETSY (pointing to threads). And what is this for? You neednât tell me.
I see; you draw....
TĂNYA. Miss Elizabeth, darling! I will confess it, but only to you. I
used to do it just for fun, but now I mean business.
BETSY. What? How? What business?
TĂNYA. Well, you see, those peasants that came this morning, you saw
them. They want to buy some land, and your father wonât sell it; well,
and Theodore IvĂĄnitch, he says itâs the spirits as forbid him. So I have
had a thought as....
BETSY. Oh, I see! Well, you are a clever girl! Do it, do it.... But how
will you manage it?
TĂNYA. Well, I thought, when they put out the lights, Iâll at once begin
knocking and shying things about, touching their heads with the threads,
and at last Iâll take the paper about the land and throw it on the
table. Iâve got it here.
BETSY. Well, and then?
TĂNYA. Why, donât you see? They will be astonished. The peasants had the
paper, and now itâs here. I will teach....
BETSY. Why, of course! Simon is the medium to-day!
TĂNYA. Well, Iâll teach him.... (Laughs so that she canât continue.)
Iâll tell him to squeeze with his hands any one he can get hold of! Of
course, not your father--heâd never dare do that--but any one else;
heâll squeeze till itâs signed.
BETSY (laughing). But thatâs not the way it is done. Mediums never do
anything themselves.
TĂNYA. Oh, never mind. Itâs all one; I daresay itâll turn out all right.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Why are you here?
TĂNYA. Itâs you I want, Theodore IvĂĄnitch, dear....
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Well, what is it?
TĂNYA. About that affair of mine as I spoke of.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH (laughs). Iâve made the match; yes, Iâve made the
match. The matter is settled; we have shaken hands on it, only not had a
drink on it.
TĂNYA (with a shriek). Never! So itâs all right?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Donât I tell you so? He says, âI shall consult the
missus, and then, God willing....â
TĂNYA. Is that what he said? (Shrieks.) Dear Theodore IvĂĄnitch, Iâll
pray for you all the days of my life!
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. All right! All right! Now is not the time. Iâve been
ordered to arrange the room for the séance.
TĂNYA. Let me help you. Howâs it to be arranged?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. How? Why, the table in the middle of the room--
chairs--the guitar--the accordion. The lamp is not wanted, only candles.
TĂNYA (helps THEODORE IVĂNITCH to place the things). Is that right? The
guitar here, and here the inkstand. (Places it.) So?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Can it be true that theyâll make Simon sit here?
TĂNYA. I suppose so; theyâve done it once.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Wonderful! (Puts on his pince-nez.) But is he clean?
TĂNYA. How should I know?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Then, Iâll tell you what....
TĂNYA. Yes, Theodore IvĂĄnitch?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Go and take a nail-brush and some Pearsâ soap; you
may take mine ... and go and cut his claws and scrub his hands as clean
as possible.
TĂNYA. He can do it himself.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Well then, tell him to. And tell him to put on a
clean shirt as well.
TĂNYA. All right, Theodore IvĂĄnitch.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH (sits down in an easy-chair). Theyâre educated and
learned--AlexĂ©y VladĂmiritch now, heâs a professor--and yet sometimes
one canât help doubting very much. The peopleâs rude superstitions are
being abolished: hobgoblins, sorcerers, witches.... But if one considers
it, is not this equally superstitious? How is it possible that the souls
of the dead should come and talk, and play the guitar? No! Some one is
fooling them, or they are fooling themselves. And as to this business
with Simon--itâs simply incomprehensible. (Looks at an album.) Hereâs
their spiritualistic album. How is it possible to photograph a spirit?
But here is the likeness of a Turk and LeonĂd FyĂłdoritch sitting by....
Extraordinary human weakness!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Is it all ready?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH (rising leisurely). Quite ready. (Smiles.) Only I
donât know about your new medium. I hope he wonât disgrace you, LeonĂd
FyĂłdoritch.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. No, I and AlexĂ©y VladĂmiritch have tested him. He is
a wonderfully powerful medium!
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Well, I donât know. But is he clean enough? I donât
suppose you have thought of ordering him to wash his hands? It might be
rather inconvenient.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. His hands? Oh yes! Theyâre not clean, you think?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. What can you expect? Heâs a peasant, and there will
be ladies present, and MĂĄrya VasĂlevna.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. It will be all right.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. And then I have something to report to you. Timothy,
the coachman, complains that he canât keep things clean because of the
dogs.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH (arranging the things on the table absentmindedly).
What dogs?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. The three hounds that came for VasĂly LeonĂditch
to-day.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH (vexed). Tell Anna PĂĄvlovna! She can do as she likes
about it. I have no time.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. But you know her weakness....
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. âTis just as she likes, let her do as she pleases. As
for him,--one never gets anything but unpleasantness from him. Besides,
I am busy.
SIMON. I was ordered to come.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Yes, itâs all right. Let me see your hands. That will
do, that will do very well! Well, then, my good fellow, you must do just
as you did before,--sit down, and give way to your mood. But donât think
at all.
SIMON. Why should I think? The more one thinks, the worse it is.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Just so, just so, exactly! The less conscious one is,
the greater is the power. Donât think, but give in to your mood. If you
wish to sleep, sleep; if you wish to walk, walk. Do you understand?
SIMON. How could one help understanding? Itâs simple enough.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. But above all, donât be frightened. Because you might
be surprised yourself. You must understand that just as we live here, so
a whole world of invisible spirits live here also.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH (improving on what LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH has said).
Invisible feelings, do you understand?
SIMON (laughs). How can one help understanding! Itâs very plain as you
put it.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. You may rise up in the air, or something of the kind,
but donât be frightened.
SIMON. Why should I be frightened? That wonât matter at all.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Well then, Iâll go and call them all.... Is
everything ready?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. I think so.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. But the slates?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. They are downstairs. Iâll bring them.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. All right then. So donât be afraid, but be at your
ease.
SIMON. Had I not better take off my coat? One would be more easy like.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Your coat? Oh no. Donât take that off.
SIMON. She tells me to do the same again, and she will again shy things
about. How isnât she afraid?
TĂNYA. Shsh!... Theyâll hear! There, stick these matches on your fingers
as before. (Sticks them on.) Well, do you remember everything?
SIMON (bending his fingers in, one by one). First of all, wet the
matches and wave my hands about, thatâs one. Then make my teeth chatter,
like this ... thatâs two. But Iâve forgotten the third thing.
TĂNYA. And itâs the third as is the chief thing. Donât forget as soon as
the paper falls on the table--I shall ring the little bell--then you do
like this.... Spread your arms out far and catch hold of some one,
whoever it is as sits nearest, and catch hold of him. And then squeeze!
(Laughs.) Whether itâs a gentleman or a lady, itâs all one, you just
squeeze âem, and donât let âem go,--as if it were in your sleep, and
chatter with your teeth, or else howl like this. (Howls sotto-voce.) And
when I begin to play on the guitar, then stretch yourself as if you were
waking up, you know.... Will you remember everything?
SIMON. Yes, Iâll remember, but it is too funny.
TĂNYA. But mind you donât laugh. Still, it wonât matter much if you do
laugh; theyâd think it was in your sleep. Only take care you donât
really fall asleep when they put out the lights.
SIMON. No fear, Iâll pinch my ears.
TĂNYA. Well, then, Sim, darling, only mind do as I tell you, and donât
get frightened. Heâll sign the paper, see if he donât! Theyâre coming!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Please come in, all you doubters! Though we have a
new and accidentally discovered medium, I expect very important
phenomena to-night.
SAHĂTOF. Thatâs very, very interesting.
FAT LADY (pointing to SIMON). Mais il est trĂšs bien! [11]
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Yes, as a butlerâs assistant, but hardly....
SAHĂTOF. Wives never have any faith in their husbandsâ work. You donât
believe in anything of this kind?
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Of course not. KaptchĂtch, it is true, has something
exceptional about him, but Heaven knows what all this is about!
FAT LADY. No, Anna PĂĄvlovna, permit me, you canât decide it in such a
way. Before I was married, I once had a remarkable dream. Dreams, you
know, are often such that you donât know where they begin and where they
end; it was just such a dream that I....
FAT LADY. And much was revealed to me by that dream. Nowadays the young
people (points to PETRĂSTCHEF and VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH) deny everything.
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. But look here, you know--now I, for instance, never
deny anything! Eh, what?
FAT LADY. And how can one deny the supernatural? They say it is
unreasonable. But what if oneâs reason is stupid; what then? There now,
on Garden Street, you know ... why, well, it appeared every evening! My
husbandâs brother--what do you call him? Not beau-frĂšre-- whatâs the
other name for it?--I never can remember the names of these different
relationships--well, he went there three nights running, and still he
saw nothing; so I said to him....
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Well, who is going to stay here?
FAT LADY. I! I!
SAHĂTOF. I.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA (to DOCTOR). Do you mean to say you are going to stay?
DOCTOR. Yes; I must see, if only once, what it is that Alexéy
VladĂmiritch has discovered in it. How can we deny anything without
proof?
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Then I am to take it to-night for certain?
DOCTOR. Take what?... Oh, the powder. Yes, it would perhaps be better.
Yes, yes, take it.... However, I shall come upstairs again.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Yes, please do. (Loud.) When it is over, mesdames et
messieurs, I shall expect you to come to me upstairs to rest from your
emotions, and then we will finish our rubber.
FAT LADY. Oh, certainly.
SAHĂTOF. Yes, thanks!
BETSY (to PETRĂSTCHEF). You must stay, I tell you. I promise you
something extraordinary. Will you bet?
MĂRYA KONSTANTĂNOVNA. But you donât believe in it?
BETSY. To-day I do.
MĂRYA KONSTANTĂNOVNA (to PETRĂSTCHEF). And do you believe?
PETRĂSTCHEF. âI canât believe, I cannot trust a heart for falsehood
framed.â Still, if Elizabeth LeonĂdovna commands....
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. Let us stay, MĂĄrya KonstantĂnovna. Eh, what? I shall
invent something Ă©pĂątant.
MĂRYA KONSTANTĂNOVNA. No, you mustnât make me laugh. You know I canât
restrain myself.
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH (loud). I remain!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH (severely). But I beg those who remain not to joke
about it. It is a serious matter.
PETRĂSTCHEF. Do you hear? Well then, letâs stay. Vovo, sit here, and
donât be too shy.
BETSY. Yes, itâs all very well for you to laugh; but just wait till you
see what will happen.
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. Oh, but supposing itâs true? Wonât it be a go! Eh,
what?
PETRĂSTCHEF (trembles). Oh, Iâm afraid, Iâm afraid! MĂĄrya
KonstantĂnovna, Iâm afraid! My tootsies tremble.
BETSY (laughing). Not so loud.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Take your seats, take your seats. Simon, sit down!
SIMON. Yes, sir.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Sit properly.
PROFESSOR. Sit straight in the middle of the chair, and quite at your
ease.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH (raising his voice). I beg those who are going to
remain here not to behave frivolously, but to regard this matter
seriously, or bad results might follow. Do you hear, Vovo! If you canât
be quiet, go away!
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. Quiet, quiet!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. AlexĂ©y VladĂmiritch, will you mesmerise him?
PROFESSOR. No; why should I do it when AntĂłn BorĂsitch is here? He has
had far more practice and has more power in that department than I ...
AntĂłn BorĂsitch!
GROSSMAN. Ladies and gentlemen, I am not, strictly speaking, a
spiritualist. I have only studied hypnotism. It is true I have studied
hypnotism in all its known manifestations; but what is called
spiritualism, is entirely unknown to me. When a subject is thrown into a
trance, I may expect the hypnotic phenomena known to me: lethargy,
abulia, anaesthesia, analgesia, catalepsy, and every kind of
susceptibility to suggestion. Here it is not these but other phenomena
we expect to observe. Therefore it would be well to know of what kind
are the phenomena we expect to witness, and what is their scientific
significance.
SAHĂTOF. I thoroughly agree with Mr. Grossman. Such an explanation would
be very interesting.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. I think AlexĂ©y VladĂmiritch will not refuse to give
us a short explanation.
PROFESSOR. Why not? I can give an explanation if it is desired. (To the
DOCTOR.) Will you kindly note his temperature and pulse? My explanation
must, of necessity, be cursory and brief.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Yes, please; briefly, quite briefly.
DOCTOR. All right. (Takes out thermometer.) Now then, my lad....
SIMON. Yes, sir!
PROFESSOR (rising and addressing the FAT LADY--then reseating himself).
Ladies and gentlemen! The phenomenon we are investigating to-night is
regarded, on the one hand, as something new; and, on the other, as
something transcending the limits of natural conditions. Neither view is
correct. This phenomenon is not new but is as old as the world; and it
is not supernatural but is subject to the eternal laws that govern all
that exists. This phenomenon has been usually defined as âintercourse
with the spirit world.â That definition is inexact. Under such a
definition the spirit world is contrasted with the material world. But
this is erroneous; there is no such contrast! Both worlds are so closely
connected that it is impossible to draw a line of demarcation,
separating the one from the other. We say matter is composed of
molecules....
PETRĂSTCHEF. Prosy matter!
PROFESSOR (pauses, then continues). Molecules are composed of atoms, but
the atoms, having no extension, are in reality nothing but the points of
application of forces. Strictly speaking, not of forces but of energy,
that same energy which is as much a unity and just as indestructible as
matter. But matter, though one, has many different aspects, and the same
is true of energy. Till recently only four forms of energy, convertible
into one another, have been known to us: energies known as the dynamic,
the thermal, the electric, and the chemic. But these four aspects of
energy are far from exhausting all the varieties of its manifestation.
The forms in which energy may manifest itself are very diverse, and it
is one of these new and as yet but little known phases of energy, that
we are investigating to-night. I refer to mediumistic energy.
PROFESSOR (stops and casts a severe look round). Mediumistic energy has
been known to mankind for ages: prophecy, presentiments, visions and so
on, are nothing but manifestations of mediumistic energy. The
manifestations produced by it have, I say, been known to mankind for
ages. But the energy itself has not been recognised as such till quite
recently--not till that medium, the vibrations of which cause the
manifestations of mediumistic energy, was recognised. In the same way
that the phenomena of light were inexplicable until the existence of an
imponderable substance--an ether--was recognised, so mediumistic
phenomena seemed mysterious until the now fully established fact was
recognised, that between the particles of ether there exists another
still more rarefied imponderable substance not subject to the law of the
three dimensions....
PROFESSOR (again looks round severely). And just as mathematical
calculations have irrefutably proved the existence of imponderable ether
which gives rise to the phenomena of light and electricity, so the
successive investigations of the ingenious Hermann, of Schmidt, and of
Joseph Schmatzhofen, have confirmed beyond a doubt the existence of a
substance which fills the universe and may be called spiritual ether.
FAT LADY. Ah, now I understand. I am so grateful....
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Yes, but AlexĂ©y VladĂmiritch, could you not ...
condense it a little?
PROFESSOR (not heeding the remark). And so, as I have just had the honor
of mentioning to you, a succession of strictly scientific experiments
have made plain to us the laws of mediumistic phenomena. These
experiments have proved that, when certain individuals are plunged into
a hypnotic state (a state differing from ordinary sleep only by the fact
that manâs physiological activity is not lowered by the hypnotic
influence but, on the contrary, is always heightened--as we have
recently witnessed), when, I say, any individual is plunged into such a
state, this always produces certain perturbations in the spiritual
ether--perturbations quite similar to those produced by plunging a solid
body into liquid matter. These perturbations are what we call
mediumistic phenomena....
SAHĂTOF. That is quite comprehensible and correct; but if, as you are
kind enough to inform us, the plunging of the medium into a trance
produces perturbations of the spiritual ether, allow me to ask why (as
is usually supposed to be the case in spiritualistic séances) these
perturbations result in an activity on the part of the souls of dead
people?
PROFESSOR. It is because the molecules of this spiritual ether are
nothing but the souls of the living, the dead, and the unborn, and any
vibration of the spiritual ether must inevitably cause a certain
vibration of its atoms. These atoms are nothing but human souls, which
enter into communication with one another by means of these movements.
FAT LADY (to SAHĂTOF). What is it that puzzles you? It is so simple....
Thank you so, so much!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. I think everything has now been explained, and that
we may commence.
DOCTOR. The fellow is in a perfectly normal condition: temperature 37
decimal 2, pulse 74.
PROFESSOR (takes out his pocket-book and notes this down). What I have
just had the honor of explaining will be confirmed by the fact, which we
shall presently have an opportunity of observing, that after the medium
has been thrown into a trance his temperature and pulse will inevitably
rise, just as occurs in cases of hypnotism.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Yes, yes. But excuse me a moment. I should like to
reply to SergĂ©y IvĂĄnitchâs question: How do we know we are in
communication with the souls of the dead? We know it because the spirit
that appears, plainly tells us--as simply as I am speaking to you--who
he is, and why he has come, and whether all is well with him! At our
last séance a Spaniard, Don Castillos, came to us, and he told us
everything. He told us who he was, and when he died, and that he was
suffering for having taken part in the Inquisition. He even told us what
was happening to him at the very time that he was speaking to us,
namely, that at the very time he was talking to us he had to be born
again on earth, and, therefore, could not continue his conversation with
us.... But youâll see for yourselves....
FAT LADY (interrupting). Oh, how interesting! Perhaps the Spaniard was
born in one of our houses and is a baby now!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Quite possibly.
PROFESSOR. I think it is time we began.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. I was only going to say....
PROFESSOR. It is getting late.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Very well. Then we will commence. AntĂłn BorĂsitch, be
so good as to hypnotize the medium.
GROSSMAN. What method would you like me to use? There are several
methods. There is Braidâs system, there is the Egyptian symbol, and
there is Charcotâs system.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH (to the PROFESSOR). I think it is quite immaterial.
PROFESSOR. Quite.
GROSSMAN. Then I will make use of my own method, which I showed in
Odessa.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. If you please!
GROSSMAN (looking closely at him). He is falling asleep! He is asleep! A
remarkably rapid occurrence of hypnosis. The subject has evidently
already reached a state of anaesthesia. He is remarkable,--an unusually
impressionable subject, and might be subjected to interesting
experiments!... (Sits down, rises, sits down again.) Now one might run a
needle into his arm. If you like....
PROFESSOR (to LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH). Do you notice how the mediumâs trance
acts on Grossman? He is beginning to vibrate.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Yes, yes ... can the lights be extinguished now?
SAHĂTOF. But why is darkness necessary?
PROFESSOR. Darkness? Because it is a condition of the manifestation of
mediumistic energy, just as a given temperature is a condition necessary
for certain manifestations of chemical or dynamic energy.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. But not always. Manifestations have been observed by
me, and by many others, both by candlelight and daylight.
PROFESSOR (interrupting). May the lights be put out?
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Yes, certainly. (Puts out candles.) Ladies and
gentlemen! attention, if you please.
PETRĂSTCHEF. I like that Spaniard! Just in the midst of a
conversation--off he goes head downwards ... as the French say: piquer
une tĂȘte. [12]
BETSY. You just wait a bit, and see what will happen!
PETRĂSTCHEF. I have only one fear, and that is that Vovo may be moved by
the spirit to grunt like a pig!
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. Would you like me to? I will....
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Gentlemen! Silence, if you please!
SAHĂTOF. A light? Yes, yes, I see; but allow me....
FAT LADY. Where? Where? Oh, dear, I did not see it! Ah, there it is.
Oh!...
PROFESSOR (whispers to LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH, and points to GROSSMAN, who is
moving). Do you notice how he vibrates? It is the dual influence.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH (to the PROFESSOR). It must be he--you know!
SAHĂTOF. Who?
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. A Greek, Nicholas. It is his light. Donât you think
so, AlexĂ©y VladĂmiritch?
SAHĂTOF. Who is this Greek, Nicholas?
PROFESSOR. A certain Greek, who was a monk at Constantinople under
Constantine and who has been visiting us lately.
FAT LADY. Where is he? Where is he? I donât see him.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. He is not yet visible ... AlexĂ©y VladĂmiritch, he is
particularly well disposed towards you. You question him.
PROFESSOR (in a peculiar voice). Nicholas! Is that you?
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH (joyfully). It is he! It is he!
FAT LADY. Oh, dear! Oh! I shall go away!
SAHĂTOF. Why do you suppose it is he?
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Why, the two knocks. It is an affirmative answer;
else all would have been silence.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH (whispers). Do you notice, gentlemen, here is a
lamp-shade, and something else--a pencil!... AlexĂ©y VladĂmiritch, it is
a pencil!
PROFESSOR. All right, all right! I am watching both him and Grossman!
SAHĂTOF. Excuse me, excuse me! I should like to see whether it is not
the medium who is doing it all himself?
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Do you think so? Well, sit by him and hold his hands.
But you may be sure he is asleep.
SAHĂTOF (approaches, TĂNYA lets a thread touch his head. He is
frightened, and stoops). Ye ... ye ... yes! Strange, very strange!
PROFESSOR (to LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH). Do you notice the effect of Grossmanâs
presence? It is a new phenomenon--I must note it....
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Yes.... But we cannot leave Nicholas without an
answer. We must begin....
GROSSMAN (rises, approaches Simon and raises and lowers his arm). It
would be interesting to produce contraction! The subject is in profound
hypnosis.
PROFESSOR (to LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH). Do you see? Do you see?
GROSSMAN. If you like....
DOCTOR. Now then, my dear sir, leave the management to Alexéy
VladĂmiritch; the affair is turning out serious.
PROFESSOR. Leave him alone, he (referring to GROSSMAN) is talking in his
sleep!
FAT LADY. How glad I now am that I resolved to be present! It is
frightening, but all the same I am glad, for I always said to my
husband....
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Silence, if you please.
FAT LADY. Aie!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. What? What is it?
FAT LADY. He took hold of my hair!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH (whispers). Never mind, donât be afraid, give him your
hand. His hand will be cold, but I like it.
FAT LADY (hides her hands). Not for the world!
SAHĂTOF. Yes, it is strange, very strange!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. He is here and is seeking for intercourse. Who wishes
to put a question to him?
SAHĂTOF. I should like to put a question, if I may.
PROFESSOR. Please do.
SAHĂTOF. Do I believe or not?
PROFESSOR. The answer is affirmative.
SAHĂTOF. Allow me to ask again. Have I a ten rouble note in my pocket?
SAHĂTOF. Ah!
PROFESSOR. I should ask those present not to ask indefinite or trivial
questions. It is unpleasant to him!
SAHĂTOF. No, but allow me! Here I have a thread in my hand!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. A thread? Hold it fast; that happens often, and not
only threads but sometimes even silk cords--very ancient ones!
SAHĂTOF. No--but where did this thread come from?
SAHĂTOF. Wait a bit; wait! Something soft has hit me on the head. Light
a candle--there is something....
PROFESSOR. We beg of you not to interrupt the manifestations.
FAT LADY. For goodnessâ sake, donât interrupt! I should also like to ask
something. May I?
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Yes, if you like.
FAT LADY. I should like to ask about my digestion. May I? I want to know
what to take: aconite or belladonna?
FAT LADY. Ah, that must be the monk whoâs been born again!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH (beside himself with anger, whispers). One gets
nothing but tomfoolery from you! If you donât know how to behave
decently, go away!
FAT LADY. Oh, what a pity! Now one canât ask any more! He is born!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Not at all. It is only Vovoâs nonsense. But he is
here. Ask him.
PROFESSOR. That often happens. These jokes and ridicule are quite usual
occurrences. I expect he is still here. But we may ask. LeonĂd
FyĂłdoritch, will you?
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. No, you, if you please. This has upset me. So
unpleasant! Such want of tact!...
PROFESSOR. Very well.... Nicholas, are you here?
PROFESSOR. What an unexpected phenomenon! The medium himself reacted
upon! This never happened before! LeonĂd FyĂłdoritch, will you watch? It
is difficult for me to do so. He squeezes me so! Mind you observe
GROSSMAN! This needs the very greatest attention!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Something has fallen upon the table.
PROFESSOR. See what it is!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Paper! A folded paper!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. An inkstand!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. A pen!
PROFESSOR (crushed). Wait a bit, wait: a totally new manifestation! The
action proceeding not from the mediumistic energy produced, but from the
medium himself! However, open the inkstand, and put the pen on the
table, and he will write!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. He has struck me on the head! (Examining table.) The
pen is not writing yet and the paper remains folded.
PROFESSOR. See what the paper is, and quickly; evidently the dual
influence--his and Grossmanâs--has produced a perturbation!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH (goes out and returns at once). Extraordinary! This
paper is an agreement with some peasants that I refused to sign this
morning and returned to the peasants. Probably he wants me to sign it?
PROFESSOR. Of course! Of course! But ask him.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Nicholas, do you wish....
PROFESSOR. Do you hear? It is quite evident!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. He is waking up. We can light the candles.
PROFESSOR (hurriedly). Doctor, Doctor, please, his pulse and
temperature! You will see that a rise of both will be apparent.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH (lights the candles). Well, what do you gentlemen who
were sceptical think of it now?
DOCTOR (goes up to SIMON and places thermometer). Now then my lad. Well,
have you had a nap? There, put that in there, and give me your hand.
SAHĂTOF (shrugging his shoulders). I must admit that all that has
occurred cannot have been done by the medium. But the thread?... I
should like the thread explained.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. A thread! A thread! We have been witnessing
manifestations more important than a thread.
SAHĂTOF. I donât know. At all events, je rĂ©serve mon opinion.
FAT LADY (to SAHĂTOF). Oh, no, how can you say: âje rĂ©serve mon
opinionâ? And the infant with the little wings? Didnât you see? At first
I thought it was only an illusion, but afterwards it became clearer and
clearer, like a live....
SAHĂTOF. I can only speak of what I have seen. I did not see that--
nothing of the kind.
FAT LADY. You donât mean to say so? Why, it was quite plainly visible!
And to the left there was a monk clothed in black bending over it....
SAHĂTOF (moves away. Aside). What exaggeration!
FAT LADY (addressing the DOCTOR). You must have seen it! It rose up from
your side.
FAT LADY (to GROSSMAN). And that light, the light around it, especially
around its little face! And the expression so mild and tender, something
so heavenly!
GROSSMAN. I saw phosphorescent light, and objects changed their places,
but I saw nothing more than that.
FAT LADY. Donât tell me! You donât mean it! It is simply that you
scientists of Charcotâs school do not believe in a life beyond the
grave! As for me, no one could now make me disbelieve in a future
life--no one in the world!
FAT LADY. No, no, whatever you may say, this is one of the happiest
moments of my life! When I heard Sarasate play, and now.... Yes! (No one
listens to her. She goes up to SIMON.) Now tell me, my friend, what did
you feel? Was it very trying?
SIMON (laughs). Yes, maâm, just so.
FAT LADY. Still not unendurable?
SIMON. Just so, maâm. (To LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH.) Am I to go?
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Yes, you may go.
DOCTOR (to the PROFESSOR). The pulse is the same, but the temperature is
lower.
PROFESSOR. Lower! (Considers awhile, then suddenly divines the
conclusion.) It had to be so--it had to descend! The dual influence
crossing had to produce some kind of reflex action. Yes, thatâs it!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH (with paper in his hand). Ah, Theodore, what a
remarkable séance we have had! It turns out that the peasants must have
the land on their own terms.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Dear me!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Yes, indeed. (Showing paper.) Fancy, this paper that
I returned to them, suddenly appeared on the table! I have signed it.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. How did it get there?
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Well, it did get there!
TĂNYA (gets from under the sofa and laughs). Oh, dear, oh dear! Well, I
did get a fright when he got hold of the thread! (Shrieks.) Well,
anyhow, itâs all right--he has signed it!
GREGORY. So it was you that was fooling them?
TĂNYA. What business is it of yours?
GREGORY. And do you think the missis will be pleased with you for it?
No, you bet; youâre caught now! Iâll tell them what tricks youâre up to,
if you donât let me have my way!
TĂNYA. And youâll not get your way, and youâll not do me any harm!
CURTAIN
The same scene as in Act I. The next day. Two liveried footmen, THEODORE
IVĂNITCH and GREGORY.
FIRST FOOTMAN (with grey whiskers). Yours is the third house to-day.
Thank goodness that all the at-homes are in this direction. Yours used
to be on Thursdays.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Yes, we changed to Saturday so as to be on the same
day as the GolĂłvkins and Grade von Grabes....
SECOND FOOTMAN. The StcherbĂĄkofs do the thing well. Thereâs refreshments
for the footmen every time theyâve a ball.
YOUNG PRINCESS. Now, do come. Because, if you refuse, and Dodo refuses,
the whole thing will be spoilt.
BETSY. I donât know. I must certainly go to the ShoĂșbins. And then there
is the rehearsal.
YOUNG PRINCESS. Youâll have plenty of time. Do, please. Ne nous fais pas
faux bond.[13] FĂ©dya and Koko will come.
BETSY. Jâen ai par-dessus la tĂȘte de votre Koko.[14]
YOUNG PRINCESS. I thought I should see him here. Ordinairement il est
dâune exactitude....[15]
BETSY. He is sure to come.
YOUNG PRINCESS. When I see you together, it always seems to me that he
has either just proposed or is just going to propose.
BETSY. Yes, I donât suppose it can be avoided. I shall have to go
through with it. And it is so unpleasant!
YOUNG PRINCESS. Poor Koko! He is head over ears in love.
BETSY. Cessez, les gens![16]
YOUNG PRINCESS. Well then, good-bye till this evening.
BETSY. Iâll try to come.
OLD PRINCESS. Then tell your papa that I donât believe in anything of
the kind, but will come to see his new medium. Only he must let me know
when. Good afternoon, ma toute belle.
GREGORY. I donât like putting on an old womanâs overshoes for her; she
canât stoop, canât see her shoe for her stomach, and keeps poking her
foot in the wrong place. Itâs different with a young one; itâs pleasant
to take her foot in oneâs hand.
SECOND FOOTMAN. Hear him! Making distinctions!
FIRST FOOTMAN. Itâs not for us footmen to make such distinctions.
GREGORY. Why shouldnât one make distinctions; are we not men? Itâs they
think we donât understand! Just now they were deep in their talk, then
they look at me, and at once itâs âlay zhon!â
SECOND FOOTMAN. And whatâs that?
GREGORY. Oh, that means, âDonât talk, they understand!â Itâs the same at
table. But I understand! You say, thereâs a difference? I say there is
none.
FIRST FOOTMAN. There is a great difference for those who understand.
GREGORY. There is none at all. To-day I am a footman, and to-morrow I
may be living no worse than they are. Has it never happened that theyâve
married footmen? Iâll go and have a smoke.
SECOND FOOTMAN. Thatâs a bold young man youâve got.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. A worthless fellow, not fit for service. He used to
be an office boy and has got spoilt. I advised them not to take him, but
the mistress liked him. He looks well on the carriage when they drive
out.
FIRST FOOTMAN. I should like to send him to our Count; heâd put him in
his place! Oh, he donât like those scatterbrains. âIf youâre a footman,
be a footman and fulfil your calling.â Such pride is not befitting.
PETRĂSTCHEF (deep in thought). Letâs see, my second is the same as my
first. Echo, a-co, co-coa. (Enter KOKO KLĂNGEN, wearing his pince-nez.)
Ko-ko, co-coa. Cocoa tin, where do you spring from?
KOKO KLĂNGEN. From the StcherbĂĄkofs. You are always playing the fool....
PETRĂSTCHEF. No, listen to my charade. My first is the same as my
second, my third may be cracked, my whole is like your pate.
KOKO KLĂNGEN. I give it up. Iâve no time.
PETRĂSTCHEF. Where else are you going?
KOKO KLĂNGEN. Where? Of course to the Ivins, to practice for the
concert. Then to the ShoĂșbins, and then to the rehearsal. Youâll be
there too, wonât you?
PETRĂSTCHEF. Most certainly. At the re-her-Sall and also at the
re-her-Sarah. Why, at first I was a savage, and now I am both a savage
and a general.
KOKO KLĂNGEN. How did yesterdayâs sĂ©ance go off?
PETRĂSTCHEF. Screamingly funny! There was a peasant, and above all, it
was all in the dark. Vovo cried like an infant, the Professor defined,
and MĂĄrya VasĂlevna refined. Such a lark! You ought to have been there.
KOKO KLĂNGEN. Iâm afraid, mon cher. You have a way of getting off with a
jest, but I always feel that if I say a word theyâll construe it into a
proposal. Et ça ne mâarrange pas du tout, du tout. Mais du tout, du
tout! [17]
PETRĂSTCHEF. Instead of a proposal, make a proposition, and receive a
sentence! Well, I shall go in to Vovoâs. If youâll call for me, we can
go to the re-her-Sarah together.
KOKO KLĂNGEN. I canât think how you can be friends with such a fool. He
is so stupid--a regular blockhead!
PETRĂSTCHEF. And I am fond of him. I love Vovo, but ... âwith a love so
strange, neâer towards him the path untrod shall beâ....
BETSY (shaking KOKOâS hand without turning towards him. To LADY). You
are acquainted?
LADY. No.
BETSY. Baron KlĂngen.... Why were you not here last night?
KOKO KLĂNGEN. I could not come, I was engaged.
BETSY. What a pity, it was so interesting! (Laughs.) You should have
seen what manifestations we had! Well, how is our charade getting on?
KOKO KLĂNGEN. Oh, the verses for mon second are ready. Nick composed the
verses, and I the music.
BETSY. What are they? What are they? Do tell me!
KOKO KLĂNGEN. Wait a minute; how does it go?... Oh, the knight sings:
LADY. I see, my second is ânought,â and what is my first?
KOKO KLĂNGEN. My first is Aero, the name of a girl savage.
BETSY. Aero, you see, is a savage who wished to devour the object of her
love. (Laughs.) She goes about lamenting, and sings--
KOKO KLĂNGEN (interrupts)--
BETSY (chimes in)--
KOKO KLĂNGEN--
BETSY--
KOKO KLĂNGEN--
BETSY--
KOKO KLĂNGEN--
And then, the refrain--
LADY. Charmant!
BETSY. But just think how silly!
KOKO KLĂNGEN. Yes, thatâs the charm of it!
LADY. And who is to be Aero?
BETSY. I am. And I have had a costume made, but mamma says itâs ânot
decent.â And it is not a bit less decent than a ball dress. (To THEODORE
IVĂNITCH.) Is Bourdierâs man here?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Yes, he is waiting in the kitchen.
LADY. Well, and how will you represent Aeronaut?
BETSY. Oh, youâll see. I donât want to spoil the pleasure for you. Au
revoir.
LADY. Good-bye!
BETSY (to KOKO KLĂNGEN). Come up to mamma.
JACOB (to the FOOTMEN). How dâyou do? How dâyou do?
JACOB (to THEODORE IVĂNITCH). Couldnât you tell Gregory to help a bit!
Iâm ready to drop....
FIRST FOOTMAN. That is a hard-working chap youâve got there.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Yes, a good fellow. But there now--he doesnât satisfy
the mistress, she says his appearance is ungainly. And now theyâve gone
and told tales about him for letting some peasants into the kitchen
yesterday. It is a bad look-out: they may dismiss him. And he is a good
fellow.
SECOND FOOTMAN. What peasants were they?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Peasants that had come from our Koursk village to buy
some land. It was night, and they were our fellow-countrymen, one of
them the father of the butlerâs assistant. Well, so they were asked into
the kitchen. It so happened that there was thought-reading going on.
Something was hidden in the kitchen, and all the gentlefolk came down,
and the mistress saw the peasants. There was such a row! âHow is this,â
she says; âthese people may be infected, and they are let into the
kitchen!â.... She is terribly afraid of this infection.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Gregory, you go and help Jacob. Iâll stay here. He
canât manage alone.
GREGORY. Heâs awkward, thatâs why he canât manage.
FIRST FOOTMAN. And what is this new mania they have got? This
infection!... So yours also is afraid of it?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. She fears it worse than fire! Our chief business,
nowadays, is fumigating, washing, and sprinkling.
FIRST FOOTMAN. I see. Thatâs why there is such a stuffy smell here.
(With animation.) I donât know what weâre coming to with these infection
notions. Itâs just detestable! They seem to have forgotten the Lord.
Thereâs our masterâs sister, Princess MosolĂłva, her daughter was dying,
and, will you believe it, neither father nor mother would come near her!
So she died without their having taken leave of her. And the daughter
cried, and called them to say good-bye--but they didnât go! The doctor
had discovered some infection or other! And yet their own maid and a
trained nurse were with her, and nothing happened to them; theyâre still
alive!
PETRĂSTCHEF. Come along then, only I must take Koko--Cocoanut, with me.
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. Your Koko is a regular dolt; I canât bear him. A
hare-brained fellow, a regular gad-about! Without any kind of
occupation, eternally loafing around! Eh, what?
PETRĂSTCHEF. Well, anyhow, wait a bit, I must say goodbye.
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. All right. And I will go and look at my dogs in the
coachmanâs room. Iâve got a dog there thatâs so savage, the coachman
said, he nearly ate him.
PETRĂSTCHEF. Who ate whom? Did the coachman really eat the dog?
VASĂLY LEONĂDITCH. You are always at it!
PETRĂSTCHEF (thoughtfully). Ma â kin â tosh, Co â co â tin.... Letâs
see.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Whatâs the matter?
JACOB. There is no more thin bread and butter. I said....
SECOND FOOTMAN. And then our masterâs little son fell ill, and they sent
him at once to an hotel with his nurse, and there he died without his
mother.
FIRST FOOTMAN. They donât seem to fear sin! I think you cannot escape
from God anywhere.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Thatâs what I think.
FIRST FOOTMAN. One should consider too, that if we are to be afraid of
everybody like that, weâd better shut ourselves up within four walls, as
in a prison, and stick there!
TĂNYA. Good afternoon.
TĂNYA. Theodore IvĂĄnitch, I have a word to say to you.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Well, what?
TĂNYA. The peasants have come again, Theodore IvĂĄnitch....
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Well? I gave the paper to Simon.
TĂNYA. I have given them the paper. They were that grateful! I canât say
how! Now they only ask you to take the money.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. But where are they?
TĂNYA. Here, by the porch.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. All right, Iâll tell the master.
TĂNYA. I have another request to you, dear Theodore IvĂĄnitch.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. What now?
TĂNYA. Why, donât you see, Theodore IvĂĄnitch, I canât remain here any
longer. Ask them to let me go.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH (to JACOB). What dâyou want?
JACOB. Another samovĂĄr, and oranges.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Ask the housekeeper.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH (to TĂNYA). How is that?
TĂNYA. Why, donât you see, my position is such....
JACOB (runs in). There are not enough oranges.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Serve up as many as youâve got. (Exit JACOB.) Nowâs
not the time! Just see what a bustle we are in.
TĂNYA. But you know yourself, Theodore IvĂĄnitch, there is no end to this
bustle; one might wait for ever--you know yourself--and my affair is for
life.... Dear Theodore IvĂĄnitch, you have done me a good turn, be a
father to me now, choose the right moment and tell her, or else sheâll
get angry and wonât let me have my passport.[18]
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Whereâs the hurry?
TĂNYA. Why, Theodore IvĂĄnitch, itâs all settled now.... And I could go
to my godmotherâs and get ready, and then after Easter weâd get
married.[19] Do tell her, dear Theodore IvĂĄnitch!
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Go away--this is not the place.
JACOB. Just fancy, Theodore IvĂĄnitch, itâs too bad! She wants to
discharge me now! She says, âYou break everything, and forget Frisk, and
you let the peasants into the kitchen against my orders!â And you know
very well that I knew nothing about it. TatyĂĄna told me, âTake them into
the kitchenâ; how could I tell whose order it was?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Did the mistress speak to you?
JACOB. Sheâs just spoken. Do speak up for me, Theodore IvĂĄnitch! You
see, my people in the country are only just getting on their feet, and
suppose I lose my place, when shall I get another? Theodore IvĂĄnitch,
do, please!
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Oh, most certainly, of course! I am so deeply touched.
COUNTESS. If it were not for my illness, I should come oftener to see
you.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. You should really consult Peter PetrĂłvitch. He is rough,
but nobody can soothe one as he does. He is so clear, so simple.
COUNTESS. Oh no, I shall keep to the one I am used to.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Pray, take care of yourself.
COUNTESS. Merci, mille fois merci.[20]
SIMON. Youâd better leave her alone!
GREGORY. You rascal! Iâll teach you how to fight, you scamp, you!
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. What do you mean? Do you think you are in a public-house?
GREGORY. This coarse peasant makes life impossible for me.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA (provoked). Youâve lost your senses. Donât you see? (To
COUNTESS.) Merci, mille fois merci. A mardi! [21]
ANNA PĂVLOVNA (to GREGORY). What is the meaning of this?
GREGORY. Though I do occupy the position of a footman, still I wonât
allow every peasant to hit me; I have my pride too.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Why, what has happened?
GREGORY. Why, this Simon of yours has got so brave, sitting with the
gentlemen, that he wants to fight!
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Why? What for?
GREGORY. Heaven only knows!
ANNA PĂVLOVNA (to SIMON). What is the meaning of it?
SIMON. Why does he bother her?
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. What has happened?
SIMON (smiles). Well, you see, he is always catching hold of TĂĄnya, the
ladyâs-maid, and she wonât have it. Well, so I just moved him aside a
bit, just so, with my hand.
GREGORY. A nice little bit! Heâs almost caved my ribs in, and has torn
my dress-coat, and he says, âThe same power as came over me yesterday
comes on me again,â and he begins to squeeze me.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA (to SIMON). How dare you fight in my house?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. May I explain it to you, maâam? I must tell you Simon
is not indifferent to TĂĄnya, and is engaged to her. And Gregory --one
must admit the truth--does not behave properly, nor honestly, to her.
Well, so I suppose Simon got angry with him.
GREGORY. Not at all! It is all his spite, because I have discovered
their trickery.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. What trickery?
GREGORY. Why, at the séance. All those things, last night,--it was not
Simon but TĂĄnya who did them! I saw her getting out from under the sofa
with my own eyes.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. What is that? From under the sofa?
GREGORY. I give you my word of honor. And it was she who threw the paper
on the table. If it had not been for her the paper would not have been
signed, nor the land sold to the peasants.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. And you saw it yourself?
GREGORY. With my own eyes. Shall I call her? Sheâll not deny it.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Yes, call her.
DOORKEEPER. You must not go in!
SECOND PEASANT. Whereâs the harm? We are not doing anything wrong. We
only wish to pay the money!
FIRST PEASANT. Thatâs just it; as by laying on the signature the affair
is come to a conclusion, we only wish to make payment with thanks.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Wait a bit with your thanks. It was all done by fraud! It
is not settled yet. Not sold yet.... LeonĂd.... Call LeonĂd FyĂłdoritch.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. No, no, come here, please! I told you the land must not
be sold on credit, and everybody told you so, but you let yourself be
deceived like the veriest blockhead.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. How? I donât understand who is deceiving?
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. You ought to be ashamed of yourself! You have grey hair,
and you let yourself be deceived and laughed at like a silly boy. You
grudge your son some three hundred roubles which his social position
demands, and let yourself be tricked of thousands--like a fool!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Now come, Annette, try to be calm.
FIRST PEASANT. We are only come about the acceptation of the sum, for
example....
THIRD PEASANT (taking out the money). Let us finish the matter, for
Christâs sake!
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Wait, wait!
ANNA PĂVLOVNA (angrily). You were in the small drawing-room during the
séance last night?
GREGORY. Itâs no use beating about the bush; I saw you myself....
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Tell me, were you there? I know all about it, so youâd
better confess! Iâll not do anything to you. I only want to expose him
(pointing to LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH) your master.... Did you throw the paper
on the table?
TĂNYA. I donât know how to answer. Only one thing,--let me go home.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA (to LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH). There, you see! You are being made
a fool of.
TĂNYA. Let me go home, Anna PĂĄvlovna!
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. No, my dear! You may have caused us a loss of thousands
of roubles. Land has been sold that ought not to be sold!
TĂNYA. Let me go, Anna PĂĄvlovna!
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. No; youâll have to answer for it! Such tricks wonât do.
Weâll have you up before the Justice of the Peace!
BETSY (comes forward). Let her go, mamma. Or, if you wish to have her
tried, you must have me tried too! She and I did it together.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Well, of course, if you have a hand in anything, what can
one expect but the very worst results!
PROFESSOR. How do you do, Anna PĂĄvlovna? How do you do, Miss Betsy?
LeonĂd FyĂłdoritch, I have brought you a report of the Thirteenth
Congress of Spiritualists at Chicago. An amazing speech by Schmidt!
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Oh, that is interesting!
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. I will tell you something much more interesting! It turns
out that both you and my husband were fooled by this girl! Betsy takes
it on herself, but that is only to annoy me. It was an illiterate
peasant girl who fooled you, and you believed it all. There were no
mediumistic phenomena last night; it was she (pointing to TĂNYA) who did
it!
PROFESSOR (taking off his overcoat). What do you mean?
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. I mean that it was she who, in the dark, played on the
guitar and beat my husband on the head and performed all your idiotic
tricks--and she has just confessed!
PROFESSOR (smiling). What does that prove?
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. It proves that your mediumism is--tomfoolery; thatâs what
it proves!
PROFESSOR. Because this young girl wished to deceive, we are to conclude
that mediumism is âtomfoolery,â as you are pleased to express it?
(Smiles.) A curious conclusion! Very possibly this young girl may have
wished to deceive: that often occurs. She may even have done something;
but then, what she did--she did. But the manifestations of mediumistic
energy still remain manifestations of mediumistic energy! It is even
very probable that what this young girl did evoked (and so to say
solicited) the manifestation of mediumistic energy,--giving it a
definite form.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Another lecture!
PROFESSOR (sternly). You say, Anna PĂĄvlovna, that this girl, and perhaps
this dear young lady also, did something; but the light we all saw, and,
in the first case the fall, and in the second the rise of temperature,
and Grossmanâs excitement and vibration--were those things also done by
this girl? And these are facts, Anna PĂĄvlovna, facts! No! Anna PĂĄvlovna,
there are things which must be investigated and fully understood before
they can be talked about, things too serious, too serious....
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. And the child that MĂĄrya VasĂlevna distinctly saw?
Why, I saw it too.... That could not have been done by this girl.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. You think yourself wise, but you are--a fool.
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Well, Iâm going.... AlexĂ©y VladĂmiritch, will you
come?
PROFESSOR (shrugging his shoulders, follows). Oh, how far, how far, we
still lag behind Western Europe!
ANNA PĂVLOVNA (following LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH with her eyes). He has been
tricked like a fool, and he sees nothing! (To JACOB.) What do you want?
JACOB. How many persons am I to lay the table for?
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. For how many?... Theodore IvĂĄnitch! Let him give up the
silver plate to you. Be off, at once! It is all his fault! This man will
bring me to my grave. Last night he nearly starved the dog that had done
him no harm! And, as if that were not enough, he lets the infected
peasants into the kitchen, and now they are here again! It is all his
fault! Be off at once! Discharge him, discharge him! (To SIMON.) And
you, horrid peasant, if you dare to have rows in my house again, Iâll
teach you!
SECOND PEASANT. All right, if he is a horrid peasant thereâs no good
keeping him; youâd better discharge him too, and thereâs an end of it.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA (while listening to him looks at THIRD PEASANT). Only
look! Why, he has a rash on his nose--a rash! He is ill; he is a hotbed
of infection!! Did I not give orders, yesterday, that they were not to
be allowed into the house, and here they are again? Drive them out!
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Then are we not to accept their money?
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Their money? Oh yes, take their money; but they must be
turned out at once, especially this one! He is quite rotten!
THIRD PEASANT. Thatâs not just, lady. Godâs my witness, itâs not just!
Youâd better ask my old woman, letâs say, whether I am rotten! Iâm clear
as crystal, letâs say.
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. He talks!... Off, off with him! Itâs all to spite me!...
Oh, I canât bear it, I canât!... Send for the doctor!
TĂNYA (to BETSY). Miss Elizabeth, darling, what am I to do now?
BETSY. Never mind, you go with them and Iâll arrange it all.
FIRST PEASANT. Well, your reverence, how about the reception of the sum
now?
SECOND PEASANT. Let us settle up, and go.
THIRD PEASANT (fumbling with the packet of banknotes). Had I known, Iâd
not have come for the world. Itâs worse than a fever!
THEODORE IVĂNITCH (to DOORKEEPER). Show them into my room. Thereâs a
counting-board there. Iâll receive their money. Now go.
DOORKEEPER. Come along.
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. And itâs TĂĄnya you have to thank for it. But for her
youâd not have had the land.
FIRST PEASANT. Thatâs just it. As she made the proposal, so she put it
into effect.
THIRD PEASANT. Sheâs made men of us. Else what were we? We had so little
land, no room to let a hen out, letâs say, not to mention the cattle.
Good-bye, dear! When you get to the village, come to us and eat honey.
SECOND PEASANT. Let me get home and Iâll start brewing the beer for the
wedding! You will come?
TĂNYA. Yes, Iâll come, Iâll come! (Shrieks.) Simon, this is fine, isnât
it?
THEODORE IVĂNITCH. Well, TĂĄnya, when you have your house Iâll come to
visit you. Will you welcome me?
TĂNYA. Dear Theodore IvĂĄnitch, just the same as we would our own father!
CURTAIN
[1] Economical balls at which the ladies are bound to appear in dresses
made of cotton materials.
[2] The present value of the rouble is rather over fifty cents.
[3] The Gypsy choirs are very popular in Moscow.
[4] BETSY. Cease! You are becoming quite unbearable!.
[5] PETRĂSTCHEF. I have C said (ceased), B said, and D said.
[6] BARONESS. But tell me, please, is he paid for this?
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. I really do not know.
BARONESS. But he is a gentleman?
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Oh, yes!
BARONESS. It is almost miraculous. Isnât it? How does he manage to find
things?
ANNA PĂVLOVNA. I really canât tell you. My husband will explain it to
you.... Excuse me....
[7] Stunning!
[8] BARONESS. Capital! Does it not cause him any pain?
LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. Not the slightest.
[9] He uses a Centigrade thermometer.
[10] LEONĂD FYĂDORITCH. You bring good luck.
[11] FAT LADY. But he looks quite nice.
[12] To take a header.
[13] Do not disappoint us.
[14] BETSY. I have more than enough of your Koko.
[15] YOUNG PRINCESS. He is usually so very punctual....
[16] BETSY. Cease; mind the servants!
[17] And that wonât suit me at all, at all! Not at all, at all!
[18] Employers have charge of the servantsâ passports, and in this way
have a hold on them in case of misconduct.
[19] It is customary for peasants to marry just after Easter, but when
spring has come and the field work begun, no marriages take place among
them till autumn. (See also The Power of Darkness footnote 2.)
[20] COUNTESS. Thank you (for your hospitality), a thousand thanks
[21] ANNA PĂVLOVNA. Thank you (for coming to see us), a thousand thanks.
Till next Tuesday!