💾 Archived View for tilde.pink › ~ali › there_are_days.gmi captured on 2023-01-29 at 03:44:06. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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Sometimes, I wake up to the feeling of not wanting to exist anymore. It's not like I'm suicidal. It's not like I am in pain nor like I am sick. I just don't want to exist.
On those mornings, feeling like glued to the bed, I just get up and live a normal day.
Life feels exhausting. It's too much to handle sometimes. Quite interesting how most people just live their lives, without feeling the need to not exist.
Maybe they do feel that way and not talk about it? That's what I do anyways, safe to assume people could do it too.
Still, nobody talks about it? Talkative ones, ones without a filter, and even ones who can't shut up about how they're suicidal never mention not existing? Odd.
These do not make me feel special or superb, only weird. None of my actions are out of the ordinary, nor worthy of mention.
Will life ever not appear like this?
Is my perception wrong, or is it life which is wrong? I doubt it's the second, how could human life be wrong? My blood, personality, and memory is made of the ordinary, aren't those what make me up?
How come ordinary things make it not like itself? Is this a great illusion like organic materials starting to exist from non-organic materials?
If the day comes where I decide to give in to the urge of not existing, I will not end my life. I will use several drugs, maybe they will help me feel.
There isn't a conclusion. I am just not feeling well. I probably will never have the balls to use drugs nor end it.
Take care,
Ali.
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