💾 Archived View for tilde.pink › ~emily › sad › dysphoria.gmi captured on 2023-01-29 at 04:17:37. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content

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dysphoria

i suffer from dysphoria. it's something that i've been a bit more comfortable talking about online, lately. before, even on my alts, i was never very open about it, but this year i'm trying to make an effort to be a bit more true to myself, and straighten things out a bit.

whether or not it's something you're born with, or if it manifests in your mind at a young age, doesn't really matter to me. what matters is that i spent my entire life trying to deal with identity issues all alone, since talking to my overly catholic family about it would have gotten me crucified.

i still have no intention of talking to anyone in my extended family. i know who they are, and they're not amazing people. i'm bad at planning things out, and i'm really bad at talking to people about sensitive things, so they really don't need to know.

i do plan on taking the juice. the magic gender juice they talk about on the internets (hrt), and i know, i'm in my 20's. puberty has done its damage. the best i can hope for is that it'll give me a bit of fat redistribution, but honestly, in 10 years, if i never try now, i would absolutely regret it.

i wish it were easier.

i don't like how it's a political thing, either. it's a mental thing. something's wrong with my head. it has consumed a great portion of my life.

of course, growing up as a dysphoric catholic kid made for some funny memories. particularly i prayed a lot. a lot. i learned that asking god for something *really* often doesn't persuade him. bribery doesn't work, either ("you can kill me and eat my soul or whatever, as long as i don't die as a boy!"). checking my pajamas in the morning to see if my prayers had been answered was a daily routine, but after enough one-sided conversations, my relationship with god became slightly bitter. in my teens i even tried asking satan (i was still very much a catholic, so that was a big deal!), but he wasn't all that interested, either.

gee this is a long vent. i should cut it short here.

feb 21, 2021