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From: commgrp@silver.ucs.indiana.edu (BACS Data Communications Group)
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban
Subject: Re: Twinkies
Date: 20 Apr 90 15:03:03 GMT
>Twinkies don't have shelf lives, they have *half* lives of
>approximately 100 years.
>I have heard that bacteria just will not eat a twinkie, ever.
>Remember: IF IT DOESN'T SPOIL, DON'T EAT IT!
BIOLOGY OF SNACK CAKES
----------------------
Prepared by Eric Kollenberg
21 Feb. 1986
I. INTRODUCTION
As you probably know (unless you're incredibly stupid), life on this
planet (Earth) is divided into three basic groups - plants, animals,
and snack cakes. Although volumes of boring material have been
written about the former two subjects, there is a notable lack of
reference material covering the latter. So I made some up.
II. EVOLUTION AND CLASSIFICATION
Snack caves developed over two-and-a-half zillion years ago (and if
you look on the shelves of some 24-hour convenience stores, you can
find samples nearly that old), when the seas were full of Campbell's
primordial soup. This prehistoric mixture of propylene glycol,
potassium benzoate, butylhydroxytoluene, sodium citrate, primitive
emulsifiers, and other "building blocks of snack cake" spawned the
first one-celled crumbs. Eventually, these crumbs began to colonize
around central specialized cells called endofill (known to the
layperson as "creme filling"). The colonies developed into types:
spongospores and diablospores (devil's food cake). An example of the
former is the common Twinkie (_Hostus* hostilus_), the latter is
typified by the primitive "Suzy Q" (_Hostus satanis_). In a bid for
survival, some varieties, such as the _Hostus hostum_ (Ho-Ho) and the
_Hostus zippum_ (Ding-Dong) evolved protective inedible outer shells,
or exofrostings.
There are many gaps in the scheme, such as the common crumb cake,
which some have suggested has an extraterrestrial origin, and the
mythical "Little Debbie." However, these topics are outside the scope
of this paper, which is another way of saying that I'm getting tired
of typing.
III. BIOCHEMISTRY
What complex interaction of RNA, DNA and enzymes is responsible for
the behavior of these species? What are the chemical reactions
occurring within the cell tissue? Do I look like a chemist? How the
hell should I know?
IV. FEEDING
The Suzy-Q is a typical example of mimicry in the natural world.
Resembling a food item, it lies in wait in its natural habitat, the
grocery store shelf. Then it dives down the throat of the
unsuspecting victim, gagging it. The Suzy-Q now turns itself inside
out like a feeding starfish, and digests the victim with its potent
creme filling.
V. REPRODUCTION
"Oh, boy," you're thinking. Well, you sickening little pervert, you
don't think I'm going to pander to your prurient curiosity, do you?
Actually, I'd be glad to (especially for money), but the breeding
habits of snack cakes have never been observed. This is something of
a mystery, since more specimens are always being sighted under car
seats, behind refrigerators, and behind the legs of vending machines.
Speculation about the reproductive habits of the common Twinkie
have... Naahh, that's too disgusting to even think about.
VI. SOURCES
1. Daniken, Erich von, _Snack Cakes of the Ancient Alien Flying
Saucer Pyramid Gods_ 1969.
2. Ibid, William, _Growing Up in the Ibid Family: An Autobiography_
1947.
3. Writer, Staff, "Woman Possessed by Aliens, Unfaithful Hubby Kills
and Eats Her" 1 Mar 1986 _National Devourer_.
4. Writer, Staff, "New Chocolate and Beer Diet Cures Cancer,
Improves Sex Life, Lose 400 lbs, Wash Behind Your Ears"
1 Jan 1985 _Midnite Globule_.