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Top 20 Signs that the Enterprise is Nearing the End of its Warranty
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20: Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.
19: Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".
18: Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.
17: Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner
of warp coil now held up by phone book.
16: Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w".
15: Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.
14: Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image
from flickering.
13: Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through
squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.
12: Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.
11: Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side
become too steep for crew to climb.
10: Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2
people on board.
9: Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by
ten thousand care bears.
8: Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft Macaroni
and Cheese.
7: Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.
6: Bug in main computer speech processor: computer voice will either
stutter or talk like Barbara Walters.
5: Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in Wesley's
shower with frozen concentrated orange juice.
4: Ship's dryer indiscriminantly shreds crew's uniforms, and related
problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with
Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.
3: Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says "Pretty
please with sugar on top".
2: Replacement parts for automatic door to captain's ready room are
exhausted and door must be replaced with bead curtains.
1: Saucer section separates whenever ship makes a left.
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