💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › humor › shit.def captured on 2023-01-29 at 08:39:22.
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> After a recent bout with intestinal challenges, I came up with some more > types of shit. For the benefit of those who have not seen the orginal post, > here is the shi....ah.... meat of it. > > > Mark Elliot: THE SHIT LIST > Ghost Shit -- You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but > there's no shit in the toilet. > Teflon Coated Shit -- Comes out so slick, clean, and easy that you don't even > feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper. You have to look for > the shit in the toilet to be sure you did it. > Gooey Shit -- This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times > and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in > you underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid > marks in the toilet. > Second Thought Shit -- You're all done wiping you ass and you're about to stand > up when you realize it...you've got to shit more. > Pop A Vein In Your Forehead Shit -- This is the kind of shit that killed Elvis > It just doesn't want to come out until you're all sweaty, trembling, > and purple from straining so hard. > Richard Simmons Shit -- You shit so much, you lose 10 pounds. > Right Now Shit -- You better be within 30 seconds a toilet. Usually it has > it's head out before you get your pants down. > Green Shit -- Comes the day after eating a big spinach salad. > King Kong or Commode Choker Shit -- This shit is so big that you know it won't > go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat > hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's > house. > Cork Shit -- (Also known as Floaters) Even after the third flush, it's still > floating in there. My God! How do I get rid of it?! This shit also > usually happens at someone else's house. > Wet Cheeks Shit -- This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash > that gets your ass all wet. > Wish Shit -- You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit. > Cement Block Shit or Oh God! Shit -- You wish you'd gotten a spinal block > before you shit. > Snake Shit -- This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb > and at least 3 feet long. > Mexican Food Shit -- (Also Called Screamers) You'll know it's alright to eat > again when your asshole stops burning. > Beer Drunk Shit -- This happens the day after the night before. Normally your > shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD! Usually there's > someone standing outside waiting to use the bathroom. This kind of > shit also usually happens at someone else's house. > > > > > New and improved shit. > > Burning Ass Shit -- Self explanitory. Usually occurs after eating Burning > Mouth Indian food. > > Firecracker Shit -- This shit comes out in little explosions. Like a string of > firecrackers. Just when you think the last blew, wait, there's > more shit to come. Interspersed with flagellations. > > Volcano Shit -- Not liquid and not solid, this shit sort of emerges from your > ass in a continuous flow. Usually happens when you are in a hurry or > ate Indian food the night before. > > Nuclear Shit -- One huge King Kong log explosion followed by a solid > outpouring of shit in varying textures and densities. Asshole > radiates for awhile afterwards. > > Shy Shit -- Combination of Wish Shit and Second Thought Shit. It's going to > come out. No it's not. Yes it is. No it's NOT. Best bet is to force > to become the Pop A Vein in Your Forehead Shit. > > Sex Shit -- Incredible urge to deficate caused by increased movement of > internal organs due to the act of sex. This shit kind of sneaks up > on you. Your never quite sure whether it will emerge in solid or > gaseous state. > > SHIT! Shit. -- This shit gives you ample warning of it's impending arrival. > Yet, you are still unable to find ac(commode)ations. Usually on long > airline flights with equally long latrine lines, during traffic, in the > middle of a conference or meeting. If serviced early enough, it is > Teflon shit. If late enough, Cement Block Shit. > > Baby Shit -- Self explanatory. Output often more attractive and seemingly > palatable then input. Comes in a variety of colors and textures. > > SLOW Shit -- Much like Shy Shit except you have the feeling of continuous, > albeit miniscule progress. Coaxing and straining does not help. > Get a good book and relax. This shit is in no hurry. > > AcId ShIt -_ Occurs the morning after taking two hits of acid and getting > the munchies. You're not quite sure what it is you ate, but from > the looks of this shit, it must have been something really gnarly. > May come in colors, might just seem that way. Spend more time > admiring it then delivering it. > > Politically correct term for Shit: Nutritionally Challenged Output. > >