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Introduction to the Notebooks of Lazarus Long.
Of all the memorable characters created in the works of
Robert A. Heinlein, Lazarus Long, the immortal, stands out beyond
the rest. Lazarus first appeared in Methuselah's Children in
1941, the central character of that novel which helped to
establish the Golden Age of science fiction in Astounding
magazine, and to establish Heinlein's future history series as a
pinnacle of achievement in science fiction down to the present.
But Heinlein's fans had to wait thirty years, until the
publication of Time Enough for Love, for Lazarus to return to
center stage.
Heinlein's future history, the massive series of stories and
novels collected in The Past Through Tomorrow and Orphans of the
Sky, was not completed until the appearance of Time Enough for
Love, the longest and most highly developed of all Heinlein's
novels, in which Lazarus Long, the oldest living member of the
human race, lives and travels through time and space and unifies
the great series.
Lazarus will never die. Humanity's dream of immortality is
embodied in this wily lovable character who is, most of all,
wise. His experience, over the thousands of years of his life,
his continued zest for life, his ironic appreciation of the
successes and failures of human society make his observation in
his notebooks, originally published as interludes in Heinlein's
huge novel of eternal life, essential reading. And the notebooks
of Lazarus Long are entertaining. From the smallest details of
daily fife to over-arching abstractions on the nature of the
human condition, Lazarus' comments are acute, lively and
intelligent.
So here are The Notebooks of Lazarus Long (alias Woodrow
Wilson Smith; Mr. Justice Lenox; Corporal Ted Bronson; Proscribed
Prisoner No. 83M2742; His Serenity Seraphin Above; et al. ad
infinitum) - oldest living member of the human race by virtue of
a unique set of chromosomes, clonal and other rejuvenation
techniques, and a finely tuned sense of rational self-interest -
who has pioneered eight planets, survived at least one lynch mob
and many wives, fought in fifteen interstellar wars, made and
lost numerous fortunes, and fathered a progeny which numbers in
the billions. Read them for sheer enjoyment or to ponder their
didactic message.
Copyright (C) 1973 by Robert A Heinlein
1
Always store beer in a dark place.
By the data to date, there is only one animal in
the Galaxy dangerous to man - man himself. So he must
supply his own indispensable competition. He has no
enemy to help him.
Men are more sentimental than women. It blurs
their thinking.
Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop
you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until
proved innocent.
Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what
can't be done, and why. Then do it.
Get a shot off fast. This upsets him long enough
to let you make your second shot perfect.
If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not
science; it is opinion.
It has long been known that one horse can run
faster than another - but which one? Differences are
crucial.
A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an
authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight.
Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she
deserved.
Delusions are often functional. A mother's
opinions about her children's beauty, intelligence,
goodness et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning
them at birth.
Most "scientists" are bottle washer and button
sorters.
2
A "pacifist male" is a contradiction in terms.
Most self-described "pacifists" are not pacific; they
simply assume false colors. When the wind changes,
they hoist the Jolly Roger.
Nursing does not diminish the beauty of a woman's
breasts; it enhances their charm by making them look
lived in and happy.
A generation which ignores history has no past -
and no future.
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other
nasty habits.
What a wonderful world it is that has girls in it!
Small change can often be found under seat
cushions.
History does not record anywhere at any time a
religion that has any rational basis. Religion is a
crutch for people not strong enough to stand up to the
unknown without help. But, like dandruff, most people
do have a religion and spend time and money on it and
seem to derive considerable pleasure from fiddling with
it.
It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles
being too tired.
If you don't like yourself, you can't like other
people.
Your enemy is never a villain in his own eyes.
Keep this in mind; it may offer a way to make him our
friend. If not, you can kill him without hate - and
quickly.
A motion to adjourn is always in order.
3
No state has an inherent right to survive through
conscript troops and in the long run, no state ever
has. Roman matrons used to say to their sons: "Come
back with your shield, or on it." Later on, this
custom declined. So did Rome.
Of all the strange "crimes" that human beings have
legislated out of nothing, "blasphemy" is the most
amazing - with "obscenity" and "indecent exposure"
fighting it out for second and third place.
Cheops' Law: Nothing ever gets built on schedule
or within budget.
It is better to copulate then never.
All societies are based on rules to protect
pregnant women and young children. All else is
surplusage, excrescence, adornment, luxury, or folly
which can - and must - be dumped in emergency to
preserve this prime function. As racial survival is
the only universal morality, no other basic is
possible. Attempts to formulate a "perfect society" on
any foundation other than "Women and children first!"
is not only witless, it is automatically genocidal.
Nevertheless, starry-eyed idealists (all of them male)
have tried endlessly - and no doubt will keep on
trying.
All men are created unequal.
Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work
almost as well.
A brute kills for pleasure. A fool kills from
hate.
There is only one way to console a widow. But
remember the risk.
When the need arises - and it does - you must be
able to shoot your own dog. Don't farm it out - that
doesn't make it nicer, it makes it worse.
4
Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life,
take big bites. Moderation is for monks.
It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead
lion, but is is better still to be a live lion. And
usually easier.
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
Sex should be friendly. Otherwise stick to
mechanical toys; it's more sanitary.
Men rarely (if ever) manage to dream up a god
superior themselves. Most gods have the manners and
morals of a spoiled child.
Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may
not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you
more leverage.
Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. Don't
ever count on having both at once.
Avoid making irrevocable decisions while tired or
hungry. N.B.: Circumstances can force your hand. So
think ahead!
Place your clothes and weapons where you can find
them in the dark.
An elephant: A mouse built to government
specifications.
A committee is a life form with six or more legs
and no brain.
5
Throughout history, poverty is the normal condition
of man. Advances which permit this norm to be exceeded
- here and there, now and then - are the work of an
extremely small minority, frequently despised, often
condemned, and almost always opposed by all right-
thinking people. Whenever this tiny minority is kept
from creating, or (as sometimes happens) is driven out
of a society, the people then slip back into abject
poverty.
This is known as "bad luck."
In a mature society, "civil servant" is
semantically equal to "civil master."
When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's,
social collapse is not far away. It is time to go
elsewhere. The best thing about space travel is that
it made it possible to go elsewhere.
A woman is not property, and husbands who think
otherwise are living in a dreamworld.
The second best thing about space travel is that
the distances involved make war very difficult, usually
impractical, and almost always unnecessary. This is
probably a loss for most people, since war is our
race's most popular diversion, one which gives purpose
and color to dull and stupid lives. But it is a great
boon to the intelligent man who fights only when he
must - never for sport.
A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more
gametes. This may be the purpose of the universe.
6
There are hidden contradictions in the minds of
people who "love Nature" while deploring the
"artificialities" with which "Man has spoiled
'Nature.'" The obvious contradiction lies in their
choice of words, which imply that Man and his artifacts
are not part of "Nature" - but beavers and their dams
are. But the contradictions go deeper than this prima-
facie absurdity. In declaring his love for a beaver
dam (erected by beavers for beavers' purposes) and his
hatred for dams erected by men (for the purposes of
men) the "Naturist" reveals his hatred for his own race
- i.e., his own self-hatred.
In the case of "Naturists" such self-hatred is
understandable; they are such a sorry lot. But hatred
is too strong an emotion to feel toward them; pity and
contempt are the most they rate.
As for me, willy-nilly I am a man, not a beaver,
and H. sapiens is the only race I have or can have.
Fortunately for me, I like being part of a race made up
of men and women - it strikes me as a fine arrangement
and perfectly "natural."
Believe it or not, there were "Naturists" who
opposed the first flight to old Earth's Moon as being
"unnatural" and a "despoiling of Nature."
"No man is an island -" Much as we may feel and act
as individuals, our race is a single organism, always
growing and branching - which must be pruned regularly
to be healthy. This necessity need not be argued;
anyone with eyes can see that any organism which grows
without limit always dies in its own poisons. The only
rational question is whether pruning is best done
before for after birth.
Being an incurable sentimentalist I favor the
former of these methods - killing makes me queasy, even
when it's a case of "He's dead and I'm alive and that's
the way I wanted it to be."
But this may be a matter of taste. Some shamans
think that is is better to be killed in a war, or to
die in childbirth, or to starve in misery, than never
to have lived at all. They may be right.
But I don't have to like it - and I don't.
Democracy is based on the assumption that a million
men are wiser than one man. How's that again? I missed
something.
Autocracy is based on the assumption that one man
is wiser than a million men. Let's play that over
again, too. Who decides?
7
Any government will work if authority and
responsibility are equal and coordinate. This does not
insure "good" government; it simply insures that it
will work. But such governments are rare - most people
want to run things but want no part of the blame. This
used to be called the "backseat-driver syndrome."
What are the facts? Again and again and again -
what are the facts? Shun wishful thinking, ignore
divine revelation, forget what "the stars foretell,"
avoid opinion, care not what the neighbors think, never
mind the unguessable "verdict of history" - what are
the facts, and to how many decimal places? You pilot
always into an unknown future; facts are your single
clue. Get the facts!
Stupidity cannot be cured with money, or through
education, or by legislation. Stupidity is not a sin,
the victim can't help being stupid. But stupidity is
the only universal capital crime; the sentence is
death, there is no appeal, and execution is carried out
automatically and without pity.
God in omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent -
it says so right here on the label. If you have a mind
capable of believing all three of these divine
attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain
for you. No checks, please. Cash and in small bills.
Courage is the complement of fear. A man who is
fearless cannot be courageous. (He is also a fool.)
The two highest achievements of the human mind are
the twin concepts of "loyalty" and "duty." Whenever
these twin concepts fall into disrepute - get out of
there fast! You may possibly save yourself, but it is
too late to save that society. It is doomed.
People who go broke in a big way never miss any
meals. It is the poor jerk who is shy a half slug who
must tighten his belt.
The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with
its credibility. And vice versa.
8
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not
fully human. At best he is a tolerable subhuman who
has learned to wear shoes, bathe, and not make messes
in the house.
Moving parts in rubbing contact require lubrication
to avoid excessive wear. Honorifics and formal
politeness provide lubrication where people rub
together. Often the very young, the untraveled, the
naive, the unsophisticated deplore these formalities as
"empty," "meaningless," or "dishonest," and scorn to
use them. No matter how "pure" their motive, they
thereby throw sand into machinery that does not work
too well at best.
A human being should be able to change a diaper,
plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a
building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a
wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give
orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze
a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a
tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly.
Specialization is for insects.
The more you love, the more you can love - and the
more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how
many you can love. If a person had time enough, he
could love all of that majority who are decent and
just.
Masturbation is cheap, clean, convenient, and free
of any possibility of wrongdoing - and you don't have
to go home in the cold. But it's lonely.
Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception,
the root of all evil.
If tempted by something that feels "altruistic,"
examine your motives and root out that self-deception.
Then if you still want to do it, wallow in it!
9
The most preposterous notion that H. sapiens has
ever dreamed up is that the Lord God of Creation,
Shaper and Ruler of all the Universes, wants the
saccharine adoration of His creatures, can be swayed by
their payers, and becomes petulant if He does not
receive this flattery. Yet this absurd fantasy,
without a shred of evidence to bolster it, pays all the
expenses of the oldest, largest, and least productive
industry in all history.
The second most preposterous notion is that
copulation is inherently sinful.
Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed
of - but do it in private and wash your hands
afterwards.
$100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded
quarterly for 200 years will increase to more than
$100,000,000 - by which time it will be worth nothing.
Dear, don't bore him with trivia or burden him with
your past mistakes. The happiest way to deal with a
man is never to tell him anything he does not need to
know.
Darling, a true lady takes off her dignity with her
clothes and does her whorish best. At other times you
can be as modest and dignified as your persona
requires.
Everybody lies about sex.
If men were the automatons that behaviorists claim
they are, the behaviorist psychologists could not have
invented the amazing nonsense called "behaviorist
psychology." So they are wrong from scratch - as
clever and as wrong as phlogiston chemists.
The shamans are forever yacking abut their snake-
oil "miracles." I prefer the Real McCoy - a pregnant
woman.
If the universe has any purpose more important than
topping a woman you love and making a baby with her
hearty help, I've never heard of it.
10
Thou shalt remember the Eleventh Commandment and
keep it Wholly.
A touchstone to determine the actual worth of an
"intellectual" - find out how he feels about astrology.
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
There is no such thing as "social gambling."
Either you are there to cut the other bloke's heart out
and eat it - or you're a sucker. If you don't like
this choice - don't gamble.
When the ship lifts, all bills are paid. No
regrets.
The first time I was a drill instructor I was too
inexperienced for the job - the things I taught those
lads must have got some of them killed. War is too
serious a matter to be taught by the inexperienced.
A competent and self-confident person is incapable
of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a
symptom of neurotic insecurity.
Money is the sincerest of all flattery.
Women love to be flattered.
So do men.
You live and learn. Or you don't live long.
Whenever women have insisted on absolute equality
with men, they have invariably wound up with the dirty
end of the stick. What they are and what they can do
makes them superior to men, and their proper tactic is
to demand special privileges, all the traffic will
bear. They should never settle merely for equality.
For women, "equality" is a disaster.
Peace is an extension of war by political means.
Plenty of elbowroom is pleasanter - and much safer.
11
One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
"Supernatural" is a null word.
The phrase "we (I)(you) simply must -" designates
something that need not be done. "That goes without
saying" is a red warning. "Of course" means you had
best check it yourself. These small-change cliches and
others like them, when read correctly, are reliable
channel markers.
Do not handicap your children by making their lives
easy.
Rub her feet.
If you happen to be one of the fretful minority who
can do creative work, never force an idea; you'll abort
it if you do. Be patient and you'll give birth to it
when the time is ripe. Learn to wait.
Never crowd youngsters about their private affairs
- sex especially. When they are growing up, they are
nerve ends all over, and resent (quite properly) any
invasion of their privacy. Oh, sure, they'll make
mistakes - but that's their business, not yours. (You
made your own mistakes, did you not?)
Never understate the power of human stupidity.
Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she
is not.
If you are part of a society that votes, then do
so. There may be no candidates and no measures you
want to vote for . . . but there are certain to be ones
you want to vote against. In case of doubt, vote
against. By this rule you will rarely go wrong.
If this is too blind for your taste, consult some
well-meaning fool (there is always one around) and ask
his advice. Then vote the other way. This enables you
to be a good citizen (if such is your wish) without
spending the enormous amount of time on it that
intelligent exercise of franchise requires.
12
Sovereign ingredient for a happy marriage: Pay
cash or do without. Interest charges not only eat up a
household budget; awareness of debt eats up domestic
felicity.
Those who refuse to support and defend a state have
no claim to protection by that state. Killing an
anarchist or a pacifist should not be defined as
"murder" in a legalistic sense. The offense against
the state, if any, should be "Using deadly weapons
inside city limits, " or "Creating a traffic hazard,"
or "Endangering bystanders," or other misdemeanor.
However, the state may reasonably place a closed
season on these exotic asocial animals whenever they
are in danger of becoming extinct. An authentic buck
pacifist has rarely been seen off Earth, and it is
doubtful that any have survived the trouble there . . .
regrettable, as they had the biggest mouths and the
smallest brains of any of the primates.
The small-mouthed variety of anarchist has spread
through the Galaxy at the very wave front of the
Diaspora; there is no need to protect them. But they
often shoot back.
Another ingredient for a happy marriage: Budget
the luxuries first!
And still another - See to that she has her own
desk - then keep your hands off it!
And another - in a family argument, if it turns out
you are right - apologize at once!
"God split himself into a myriad parts that he
might have friends." This may not be true, but it
sounds good - and is no sillier than any other
theology.
To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the
ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
Does history record any case in which the majority
was right?
When the fox gnaws - smile!
13
A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby
feels qualified to judge the work of creative men.
There is logic in this, he is unbiased - he hates all
creative people equally.
Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor,
make him pay cash.
Never frighten a little man. He'll kill you.
Only a sadistic scoundrel - or a fool - tells the
bald truth on social occasions.
This sad little lizard told me that he was a
brontosaurus on his mother's side. I did not laugh;
people who boast of ancestry often have little else to
sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and adds to
happiness in a world in which happiness is always in
short supply.
In handling a stinging insect, move very slowly.
To be "matter of fact" about the world is to
blunder into fantasy - and dull fantasy at that, as the
real world is strange and wonderful.
The difference between science and the fuzzy
subjects is that science requires reasoning, while
those other subjects merely require scholarships.
Copulation is spiritual in essence - or it is
merely friendly exercise. On second thought, strike
out "merely." Copulation is not "merely" - even when
it is just a happy pastime for two strangers. But
copulation at its spiritual best is so much more than
physical coupling that it is different in kind as well
as in degree.
The saddest feature of homosexuality is not that it
is "wrong" or "sinful" or even that it can't lead to
progeny - but that it is more difficult to reach
through it this spiritual union. Not impossible - but
the cards are stacked against it.
14
Touch is the most fundamental sense. A baby
experiences it, all over, before he is born and long
before he learns to use sight, hearing, or taste, and
no human ever ceases to need it. Keep your children
short on pocket money - but long on hugs.
Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at
tax collectors - and miss.
The profession of shaman has many advantages. It
offers high status with a safe livelihood free of work
in the dreary, sweaty sense. In most societies it
offers legal privileges and immunities not granted to
other men. But it is hard to see how a man who has
been given a mandate from on High to spread tidings of
joy to all mankind can be seriously interested in
taking up a collection to pay his salary; it causes one
to suspect that the shaman is on the moral level of any
other con man.
But it's lovely work if you can stomach it.
A whore should be judged by the same criteria as
other professionals offering services for pay - such as
dentists, lawyers, hairdressers, physicians, plumbers,
etc. Is she professionally competent? Does she give
good measure? Is she honest with her clients?
It is possible that the percentage of honest and
competent whores is higher than that of plumbers and
much higher than that of lawyers. And enormously
higher than that of professors.
Minimize your therbligs until it becomes automatic;
this doubles your effective lifetime - and thereby
gives time to enjoy butterflies and kittens and
rainbows.
Have you noticed how much they look like orchids?
Lovely!
Expertise in one field does not carry over into
other fields. But experts often think so. The
narrower their field of knowledge the more likely they
are to think so.
15
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the
windmills.
Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way
again.
Waking a person unnecessarily should not be
considered a capital crime. For a first offense, that
is.
"Go to hell!" or other insult direct is all the
answer a snoopy question rates.
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that
starts: "Of course it is none of my business but -" is
to place a period after the word "but." Don't use
excessive force in supplying such moron with a period.
Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is
bound to get you talked about.
A man does not insist on physical beauty in a woman
who builds up his morale. After a while he realizes
that she is beautiful - he just hadn't noticed it at
first.
A skunk is better company than a person who prides
himself on being "frank."
"All's fair in love and war" - what a contemptible
lie!
Beware of the "Black Swan" fallacy. Deductive
logic is tautological; there is no way to get a new
truth out of it, and it manipulates false statements as
readily as true ones. If you fail to remember this, it
can trip you - with perfect logic. The 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Soon enough you will know. So why fret about it?
"I came, I saw, she conquered." (The original
Latin seems to have been garbled.)
Don't try to have the last word. You might get it.
Lazarus Long
19