💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › humor › jokes1.txt captured on 2023-01-29 at 08:26:56.
View Raw
More Information
⬅️ Previous capture (2020-10-31)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Pun for the Day
Three squaws were each preparing for the birth of their first child.
The first squaw placed a large bear hide by a river, the second squaw
placed an elk hide by a tree by a river, and the third squaw placed a
hippopotamus hide by a path, near the river and the tree so that the
three formed a triangle.
It just so happens that all three women gave birth on the same day.
The first squaw on the bear hide had a 6-lb son, the second squaw on
the elk hide had a 8-lb son, and the third squaw on the hippopotamus
hide had a 10-lb son.
To this day, mathematicians credit these three women with the first
proof of the Pythagorean Theorem:
"The son of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the
squaws of the two adjacent hides."
---
The Zen of Cat Bathing
Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick
themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in
their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt
where it hides and whisking it away.
I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most
blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary,
the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges
that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.
The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he
must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary
and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in
Juarez."
When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have
some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your
arm and head for the bathtub:
-- Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and
lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength.
Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to
bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a
very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I
recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass
doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain
will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain
quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
-- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all
the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and
know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked
into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army
helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
-- Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for
a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the
water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass
enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on
your back in the water.
-- Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly,
as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually
notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as
a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking
part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)
-- Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to
survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into
the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and
squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of
your life.
Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and
the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for
more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you
must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy.
He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing
himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't
expect too much.)
-- Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume
this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at
this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the
drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's
because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You
simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait.
(Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your
army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him
loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is
drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the
cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your
leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will
spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become
psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the
case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses
and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.
But at least now he smells a lot better.
---
Dear Earthling,
Hello! I am a creature from a galaxy far away, visiting your planet.
I have transformed myself into this text file. As you are reading it, I
am having sex with your eyeballs. I know you like it because you are
smiling. Please pass me on to someone else because I'm really horny.
---
Excuses
1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29,
30,31, 32, and also 33.
2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed
with gramps.
3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.
4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going
over.
8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed.
Please execute him.
9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He
was hit in the growing part.
10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent
this weekend with the Marines.
11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell
off a tree and misplaced her hip.
12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore
throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also
sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade
fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even
got hot last night.
14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her
shot.
18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had
diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed
out*) the shits.
---
The Brothers Methrin
Yea, listen and hearken to my voice for I shall tell thee a tale of woe,
a tale of anguish, a tale of alchemy!
1. And I did purchase an RX-7 and did place it in my garage, enjoying it.
2. And I did stop enjoying it when I discovered Horrid Arachnids living in it.
3. And the Horrid Arachnids did emigrate from the RX-7 to the garage,
no doubt planning to turn the garage into Spider City.
4. And I, in my arachnophobia, looked upon this situation as intolerable.
5. And I shouted to the Gods, saying, "O this is intolerable. Send me an
angel that I might eradicate the Horrid Arachnids!"
6. And the Gods sent the angels Tetra Methrin and Su Methrin.
7. And the angels Tetra Methrin and Su Methrin spake unto me, "Build us two
temples, and thou shalt call them Ortho and Black Flag."
8. And the angels spake unto me further, "If thou wilt use our true power,
so must thou statest our true names."
9. And I raised my arms and chanted unto Tetra Methrin, "Thy true name is
(1-cyclohexene-1,2-dicarboximido)-methyl-2,2-dimethyl-3-(2-methylpropenyl)-
cyclopropanecarboxylate!"
10. And I raised my arms a second time and chanted unto Su Methrin, "Thy true
name is 3-phenoxybenzyl-(1RS, 3RS; 1RS, 3SR)-2,2-dimethyl-3-
(2-methylpropenyl)-cyclopropanecarboxylate!"
11. And the angels did smile.
12. And I didst enter the garage of Horrid Arachnids and begin to find Horrid
Arachnids and spray them.
13. And I didst deliver approximately ten Horrid Arachnids to their Maker,
cursed be his name.
14. And I shouted unto the Gods, saying "Thank you for the angels, but it
is not enough!"
15. And the Gods spake unto me, saying "Wherefore art thou dissatisfied?
Surely the angels Tetra Methrin and Su Methrin are doing their jobs."
16. And I spake unto the Gods, saying "Verily they do their jobs. But I must
transport them to each Horrid Arachnid myself. I need something that
will track down each Horrid Arachnid without my intervention. And don't
call me Shirley."
17. And the Gods did nodnod at my reasoning (frowning a bit at the end), and
verily sent they down the Archangel Per Methrin.
18. And the Archangel Per Methrin spake unto me, saying "My temple is Raid,
and I am the Fumigator. You know the routine."
19. And I spake unto Per Methrin, chanting "Thy true name is (3-phenoxyphenyl)-
methyl-(+/-)-cis, trans-3-(2,2-dichloroethenyl)-2,2-dimethyl-
cyclopropanecarboxylate!"
20. And Per Methrin did smile and nodnod happily.
21. And I didst bring the Fumigator Per Methrin to the garage.
22. And I didst set the Archangel down on the floor.
23. And Per Methrin spake unto me, saying "Thou hast two minutes to vacate the
premises. Do not come back for three hours, lest thou suffer by my
hands!"
24. And I didst vacate the premises hastily.
25. And Per Methrin didst begin his deadly (but pleasing) work.
26. And before the three hours was up, I tired greatly and fell to sleep.
27. And the next day I stumbled to work, forgetting about the Fumigator.
28. And by the time I didst return it had been twenty hours since the
Fumigator began his deadly (but pleasing) work.
29. And when I didst return, I didst open the door to my garage to air it out,
obeying the instructions scribed on the walls of the temple Raid.
30. And I didst air out my garage for thirty minutes as decreed by the words
scribed on the walls of the temple Raid.
31. And after this time I didst hesitantly enter into my garage, fearful
that hordes of Horrid Arachnids would descend upon me and tangle in my
hair!
32. And I was pleased to see that the Archangel had gone and had left behind
approximately ten more Horrid Arachnid corpses (including one Big Mother
of a Horrid Arachnid) and ten Wasp corpses.
33. And I didst rejoice.
34. And I didst take unto mine hand a Broom of Sweeping, and so didst I
sweep the floors, walls, ceilings and especially the corners of my
garage of corpses and webs.
35. And lo and behold, the toll was approximately ten Horrid Arachnids and
ten Wasps, making twenty insects destroyed by the Fumigator Per Methrin,
blessed be his name.
36. And as for the car, I am still loathe to enter it, though I will do so
eventually to clean out more corpses.
37. And I didst thereupon spray the floors, walls, ceilings and especially
the corners of my garage with the angels Tetra Methrin and Su Methrin in
the hopes that it will be a sign and a ward against potential future
Horrid Arachnid residents.
38. And after I was done, I didst take a shower and vigorously wash my hair,
for my scalp was still crawling.
39. Sing praises to the angels Tetra Methrin and Su Methrin and to the
Archangel Fumigator Per Methrin.
40. Hallowed be their temples Ortho, Black Flag and Raid.
41. May the Brothers Methrin reign over mounds of insectile corpses forever.
42. Here endeth the lesson. Amen.
---
What does that say?
In a Tokyo hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do
such a thing please do not read this notice.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During the time we regret that
you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should
enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor.
Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of
9 and 11 a.m. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet
composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots
of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make
Limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger
Roasted duck let loose
Beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is a big rush we will execute
customers in strict rotation.
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
There will ba a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic
painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex
in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest methodists.
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today no ice cream
In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner, if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, then you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give
it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialists in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons costs more than common, but you'll find they are best
in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want to just condition of warm in your room,
please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When a passenger of food heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet
him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage
then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
English well talking Here speeching America
In an upper New York State service station/ restaurant:
Eat Here, Get Gas
In a green grocer's shop, United Kingdom:
Our fruits and vegetables are washed daily with water passed by
the manager.
Final remarks from a letter written by an chemical engineering couple
from India to an American applied research laboratory in Arizona:
I thank you from the bottom of my heart, and my wife thanks you
from the heart of her bottom.
From a sign in a commercial parking lot, downtown San Francisco:
All day $7.00. Free In-and-Out.
A turf sign in Singapore:
Expectoration upon grass and refuse upon grass and amble upon grass
and glee upon notice may procure unfortunate backlash. Upon authority.
A street sign in Boston in front of a liquor store.
Police take notice.
As seen in a lady's lingerie shop in south Florida:
We carry men's slippers.
In a Finnish hotel room:
In case of fire, please stuff a towel under the door, and expose
yourself at the window.
---
I can't come to work today because...
The following are from the Sunday, April 14, 1994 edition of the
Washington Post. It was a contest in which readers were asked to come
up with excuses to miss a day of work
-----------------------------------
If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me
to clean all the guns today.
When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I
can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back
an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time
continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able
to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source
exactly e*log (pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my
dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or
early.
My stigmata's acting up.
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss,
who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that
deadline to meet....
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Stop & Shop.
Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey,
how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you?
No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to
work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this
jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
I prefer to remain an enigma.
My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must
track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her
eternal peace. One day should do it.
I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my
house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for
helicopter transportation.
I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
My wife makes more money than I do, so I have to stay at home with our
sick son.
I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I
insist on paying my fair share.
I'm feeling a little disgruntled this morning. You want I should come in?
I can't come in because the deadline is Monday and so far I only have
seven different fun things to do with a barrel of snot.
---
Hug
This is the Magical Grapefruit of Love. It has been bequeathed upon you
by someone who thinks you are really cool. This person might be
your boyfriend, girlfriend, lover, pal, homie, Hausfrau, neighbor or
someone else you don't even know. This person finds you rather
interesting, possibly even attractive, and just generally thinks you're a
pretty good excuse to be alive. Whether this person actually IS attracted
to you is another question. This is merely a token of affection for you
to wonder at and appreciate. The proper response, upon reciept of the
Magical Grapefruit of Love is a hug, or a message of thanks, if this
person is too far away to hug within a week of reciept. Basically, the
Magical Grapefruit of Love is a way to say "Hey, you're really damn cool,
and I want you to know that." Sorry if you were disappointed that there
is no actual citrus fruit contained in this letter. Unfortunately, at the
time of writing, that miracle of science that allows grapefruit to travel
through telephone lines had not been perfected. But be consoled by the
fact that someone thinks you're really a rockin' guy/gal, and would most
likely help you out if you had a flat tire somewhere in the same state (or
within a one or two hour radius, depending on the size of your state).
The sender of the Magical Grapefruit of Love only asks one thing of
you-- (besides the aforementioned hug) that you bequeath this Grapefruit
of Love on someone else. The Magical Grapefruit of Love grows in power as
it is shared, and someday you may recieve this Magical Citrus Entity
again. Send it on. Remember the elation you felt the first time you
received it? If you send it on, you may feel this again. This is not a
chain letter. Nothing bad will happen to you if you don't send it on, but
think of the bright spot it might put in the day of someone you think is
extra groovy.
---
Poem
>>>>You know, college can be a really scary thing. It seems like no matter
>>>>how much you prepare yourself to leave all of the people you love, it
>>>>always comes back and slaps you in the face later. It's really scary
>>>>when you're sitting in your dorm room one night, listening to The
>>>>Eagles, "Sad Cafe," and thinking, wow, these lyrics really are powerful:
>>>>
>>>> "Maybe the time has gone, the faces, I recall. But things in
>>>> this life change very slowly, if they ever change at all . . ."
>>>>
>>>>The scary part being that we've all been hit with change lately, and it
>>>>doesn't seem to have come slowly at all. Do you remember the day you
>>>>left home? I'm sure that you do. But I'll bet that what you remember
>>>>even more clearly, were the days in the week before you left, you know,
>>>>the days you spent getting addresses and phone numbers and trying to
>>>>figure out how to say goodbye to everyone you'd loved for as long as you
>>>>could remember. Do you remember standing by your best friend's car one
>>>>night, after midnight, trying to sum up the meaning of a friendship
>>>>you'd managed to maintain through thick and thin for four years? Do you
>>>>remember how hard that was, to think of how to say goodbye to that
>>>>person? It was nearly impossible, wasn't it, to give them one last hug
>>>>and turn around and walk inside. I'll bet part of what you remember was
>>>>the night before you left, kissing your boyfriend or girlfriend goodbye
>>>>one last time, just knowing that you'd have to turn around and walk back
>>>>inside was almost motivation enough not to leave. Stepping back to take
>>>>one last look at that person you love -- it's really scary. And you go,
>>>>and you promise yourself that you won't find anyone new. You won't ever
>>>>replace your old friends. You'll never fall in love again. It's really
>>>>crazy, what kinds of things can happen when you don't mean for them to.
>>>>You get to a new place full of strangers. You meet people who forget
>>>>you. You forget people you meet. But sometimes, you come across some
>>>>extraordinarily special people. They have tears to shed, too. They
>>>>left people behind. They're in love with that girl or that guy back
>>>>where they used to live, and they all want someone to talk to. So you
>>>>talk. Talk is good. You form bonds you never thought you'd