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💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › humor › howlong.hum captured on 2023-01-29 at 08:25:22.
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/\/\									  /\/\
/\/\				    Durations:				  /\/\
/\/\				How Long Things Take			  /\/\
/\/\				   (revisited)				  /\/\
/\/\				    Volume I				  /\/\
/\/\				    Written by: 			  /\/\
/\/\				    Dr. Atomic				  /\/\
/\/\									  /\/\
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Some of the things in this file were taken from the book "Durations:The
Encyclopedia of How Long Things Take" by Stuart A. Sandow. Others were
left out of the book for some reason, things that are related to the
pirate world, so I included them here...

(This file is basically intended for informational purposes, impressing your
friends with, or to otherwise trip out on...)

Call Snark Island Cat-Fur (619) 448-5616
     The Embassy CS/CF (619) 459-6119


.00000001 of a second
---------------------
Flourescence to take place in highly pigmented organic molecules
The average ware leech on an AE line to decide he will take a certain program

.000001 of a second
-------------------
One hundred successive generations of neutrons to occur producing one billion
billion fissions

.000024 of a second
-------------------
A TV sweep circuit to produce horizontal light on a screen

.003 of a second
----------------
A computer to lose its data in the event of power failure if data is not stored
in a central processor
The average ware leech to find a blank initialized disk

.01 of a second
---------------
The sensation of toothache pain to reach the brain of a cat
A frif'C i???4?@?`-(?e@
? H?W:HC)?A?\?BH! "@Ld`?
?e??XXXZR??-)@pp???O???	?????O????O???HO??O?????O???????O??	?p?p???O???O???p?@@@@@@@@@@@@@@pp?O???HO??O??O???????O???????????????????O??O??O????pp??pp?p??????O???p?@@@@@@@@@@@@@pp??O??O??O??pp?p?O???p?@@@@@@@pp???O??O???	??G????O???O???O?????? `an explosion
A phone phreak to hang up after an operator connects with the conference
he is on

6 seconds
-------------
Most tents to catch fire after exposure to flame
The average pirate to think of his latest wares
The average catalog to send with Cat-fur

18 seconds
----------
The number of larcenies committed in the united states to increase by one

10-20 seconds
----------
Male chimpanzees to reach climax after initiating sexual relations
Male ware leeches to reach climax after booting "Softporn Adventure"

25 seconds
----------
The shortest cycle of a home trash compactor

30 seconds
----------
The metaphase of mitosis in a fruit fly embryo
Whales and elephants to copulate (not together, of course...)

34 seconds
----------
The number of auto thefts commited in the United States to increase by one

43 seconds
----------
Number of violent crimes (murder, rape, robbery or assault) committed in the
united states to increase by one

1 minute
--------
Prompt initial radiation to be measureable following a nuclear explosion
A pneumatic pile driver to sink a sheet piling for a basement foundation
2 feet through clay and 9 feet through sand
The heart of a shrew to beat 1,000 times
The heart of a modem geek to beet 10,000 times when a sysop answers voice
To fill 340, 16-ounce bottles of Coke at the bottling plant
A party animal to consume 1 beer after a party has been in progress for
5 minutes (personal experience)


1 minute, 33 seconds
--------------------
To ride the roller coaster at Excelsior Amusement Park, Lake Minnetonka,
Minneapolis-St. Paul

2 minutes
---------
The population of California to increase by one
The maximum duration of copulation between kangaroo rats

3 minutes
---------
To cook a 3-minute egg after the water is boiling
Dr. Encinitas to finish a sentence

4 minutes
---------
Each of six eating and watering periods a day on an automated chicken ranch

5 minutes
---------
to kill the microorganisms responsible for botulism in canned pears by
exposing them to temperatures of 115 degrees C
To feel the somatic effects of LSD after an oral dose
A marble factory to turn out 1,000 glass marbles
To be put into a hypnotic trance

6 minutes
---------
To feel the somatic effects of an unmodified Net-Works bulletin board

6 minutes 34 seconds
--------------------
The length of the song "You Won't Change Me" by Black Sabbath

10 minutes
----------
Duration of the first dream after falling asleep
To declaw a pet
To get a good connection with Minneapolis-St. Paul

15 minutes
----------
Life span of average phone call to Pirates Bay
A stripper to lose 36 calories during her act
Intervals between breaths of a hibernating jumping mouse
Number of wares of a leech on an AE line to increase by one

30 minutes
----------
Side effects of a toxic dose of iron to manifest themselves after ingestion

35 minutes
----------
A speed reader to read an entire issue of Time or Newsweek
A ware leech to read this text file at 300 baud, then go back and decide
he wants to download it

40 minutes
----------
A guest at a cocktail party to consume a drink after the party has been in
progress for 2 hours (The Wine And Spirits Guide--1974)

55 minutes
----------
A session of psychoanalysis with Sigmund Freud

1 hour
------
Maximum nightly homework given to Russian first-graders
The population of a keg party to increase by 50
To regain driving faculties after consumption of each ounce of alcohol

1 hour 22 minutes
-----------------
Total period during which people dream during a night's sleep

Two Hours
---------
Asprin to reach its peak effectiveness in the body
An average phone conversation with The Spaz

Three Hours
-----------
A Duraflame log to burn
Time the average modem geek spends on any one AE line

Four Hours
----------
Mimimum nightly homework given by high school teachers
The lifeless star Cygnus X-3 to rotate around its partner star

Seven Hours
-----------
Average time the Camel Jockey spends on a single conference duriH?O???O?		"%s??p?fd?#?(XBD8? Hx??hBc?`??@'???? ?"? ??-??????*CBH4" B"@d*PA ???A&(D??a? L@?BN??Ci??b???F??M$?At?%h	E?N!I?0??&2^??????@???@???@P????????????@????@?????@??????????@?????X@???????@???@?????@????????X@???\Rdh@?????ZZZZZZZZ???@??????????@??@???@?????@??@????????@??@b``?????@???@????@????@????????@???@?????????@????@???????????@????????????@????@hairs from the human head
The maximum amount of time a sysop can spend away from his BBS without
getting crash attempts, complaints, gripes, bitches, or bizarre messages

That's it for Volume I...Volume II will probably go from 24 hours to 1 year.
(out between 24 hours-1 year from now)