💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › humor › headlnrs captured on 2023-01-29 at 08:24:31.
⬅️ Previous capture (2020-10-31)
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A COLLECTION OF TRUE NEWSPAPER HEADLINES THAT MERIT A SECOND GLANCE
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CRIME: Sheriff Asks For 13.7% Increase
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(Like, let's triple those muggings Lefty, and Spike, I want to see you
double up on those purse-snatchings!)
Sex Fund Pledged For Sheriff
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(Now he can take his mind off the increase in crime, eh?)
Three Ambulances Take Blast Victim To Hospital
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(Wonder which one carried the vital organs?)
Once-Sagging Cloth Diaper Industry Saved By Full Dumps
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(But babies were ALWAYS 'dumping'......)
Wanted: Women To Test New Condom
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(A unique approach to meeting new women)
State To Punish Duck Violaters
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(Perverted hunters????)
Experts Are Sure The Dow Will Either Rise Or Decline
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(Well, now I can stop worrying about my investments since the future
is so certain....)
Blow To Head Is Common Cause Of Brain Injury
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(It took the experts to figure that one out)
Low Pay Reason For Poverty, Study Says
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(They needed a study to find THAT out?)
Circumcisions Cut Back
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(If you have to cut back, I guess that's as good a place as any to start)
Hemorrhoids Inspire Respectful Hindsight
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(Hindsight, maybe....but who could respect a hemorrhoid in the morning?)
You Can Still Bury Grandpa Out Back
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(So we don't have to wait until he's dead?)
Mortuary Adds Drive-Through
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(Maybe the mourners will beep their horns loud enough to wake the dead)
Teacher Dies; Board Accepts His Resignation
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(That's got to be the toughest way to quit a job that I know of!)
City Wants Dead To Pay For Cleanup
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(And we all thought taxes ended with death!)
US Says Insect Parts, Rat Hair Are OK In Food
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(Gimme An Order Of Insect Parts, Easy On The Fries.....)
Ants Take A Long Time To Cook In Microwave
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(Who thought of this recipe, anyway???)
Nudist Group Donates Clothing For Victims
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(Well, they weren't using them anyway)
Londoner Fatally Injured By Turnip
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(When turnips are outlawed, only outlaws will have turnips)
Man Shot Twice In Head, Gets Mad!
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(It's the quiet ones you have to worry about)
Dog That Bit 2 People Ordered To Leave Town
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(But did he UNDERSTAND that he had to leave town?)
Police Recover Stolen Hamster, Arrest 3
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(Don't you agree that it's time they brought back the death penalty?)
Robber's Description: Man, Possibly A Woman, Definitely Ugly
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(But how do you interview suspects without hurting their feelings?)
Court Rules That Being A Jerk Is Not A Crime
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(We can all sleep better at night with THAT knowledge!)
Thieves Steal Burglar Alarm
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(In case they wanted to catch themselves in the act?)
Terrorist Bought Bomb Parts At K Mart
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(Attention K Mart shoppers, plutonium on aisle 9...)
Jury Suspects Foul Play In Death Of Man Shot, Burned & Buried In Shallow Grave
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(Like, I guess they didn't want to discount the possibility of suicide)
No Cause Of Death Determined For Beheading Victim
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(Maybe stretched vocal chords...?)
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