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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The New, Improved National Enquirer (Electronic Edition) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Conceived by Griffin the Black... uploaded to the 5th Precinct (502) 245-8270 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The National Enquirer (Electronic Edition) April, 1985 Volume 43234 Largest Subscription of Any Paper in America, But Rapidly Losing Readers NEWS FLASH! Carol Burnett, famous actress, has been seen in the vicinity of Harlem... according to our sources, she was selling food stamps to local drug dealers, pimps, and anyone who happened to come by that drove something better than a Ford Maverick... * Editor's Note: Carol Burnett denies any of this ever happening, just as she previously denied that she got drunk at a party! She sued us over that, and she's suing us again just over a harmless article. Won't she ever leave the truthful journalists alone? Did you know about our famous jelly-bean diet plan? Yes! With this amazing new diet, you can eat jelly-beans and lose up to 50 (count them... 50) pounds a day! We know, it's a tad hard to believe, but believe us, it works! Have we ever lied before? To order this spectacular new plan (which, by the way, includes jelly-beans) write us: The National Enquirer P.O. Box -32767 Trevose, PA 99999 Enclose a check or money order for $29.95. (Don't bother to give us your address, our staff psychic will get it for us!) In the do-it-yourself column this month, we will give you a step-by-step guide on how to make your very own artificial limb! It makes a great conversation piece, and will go nicely with the decor in any household. Here's what you do: <Step 1> First, go to your local Bacons department store (Byck's will also do, but they generally have smaller stores... you don't want to be easily noticed). While no one is looking, steal a manakin from the clothes department. If someone notices you doing this, just tell them you're a maintenance person for the store and the manakin needs repairing. They believe it every time. <Step 2> Once you have the manakin, take it to the restroom in the store (hopefully, you're doing this in a mall... if not, and the place doesn't have a restroom, you better take that manakin back and lay low for a while)! Once you get it there, take its clothing off. If the clothing happens to be your size, you can wear it as a souvenir of your little theft. A note to all you sex- starved people, PLEASE don't try to do kinky things with the thing... you won't get much out of it! <Step 3> Unscrew one of the manakin's limbs... depending on your preferance, you may want an arm or a leg; either one is fine. After you remove the limb of your choice, hide it on your person and leave the store; if people look at you strangely, just say, "You have a nice day too!" and keep on walking. <Step 4> Once you are home, you will need to get out your trusty Echo chainsaw (a Weed-Eater will do if you're a leper). Start it up, and cut off the type of limb on your body that you stole from the manakin... if you want to hang the manakin's limb on your wall, but you've already done this step, I'm afraid you are out of luck. * Editor's Note: Some people have complained of severe (often fatal) bleeding while performing this project... we at the 'Enquirer are NOT to be held responsible! <Step 5> Attach the phony limb from the dummy, and take yours that you cut off to a taxidermist... have it stuffed, and keep it to show to your grandkids. If the artificial limb doesn't want to stick to the severed place, try applying a little Krazy-Glue to the area and stick it on. If it doesn't stick then, you better get used to people calling you "Stubby"... This completes our do-it-yourself project for the month. Hope you had fun! Any comments or suggestions can be left to the following address. These will be printed in the letters column, immediately following this section. Send your feedback to: Do-It-Yourselfer C/O Mational Enquirer P.O. Box -32766 Trevose, PA 99999