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From jproy@vax1.tcd.ie Thu May 11 18:31:00 1989
From: jproy@vax1.tcd.ie (Don't worry, be happy........)
Subject: Drinkers fault finding guide......
DRINKERS FAULT-FINDING GUIDE
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Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong
part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with
as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale
and clear.
Fault : Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom : Feet cold and wet.
Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom : Feet warm and wet.
Fault : Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its
owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom : Bar blurred.
Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom : Bar swaying.
Fault : Air turbulence unusually high -maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Symptom : Bar moving.
Fault : You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain
loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
Symptom : The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a
flourescent strip across it.
Fault : You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm,
stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and
dog-ends.
Fault : You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom : You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot
see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault : You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself
to a lie in.
Symptom : Everything has gone dim.
Fault : The pub is closing.
Solution: PANIC !!!!!!!!!
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