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Title: (untitled)
Author: Anonymous
Date: Summer 2018
Language: en
Topics: love, Attakattak, Brussels, The Local Kids, The Local Kids #1, relationships
Source: Translated for The Local Kids, Issue 1
Notes: First appeared untitled in Attakattak (aka “feuille de chou(x)”, “de Bruxelles” to be more precise for the cabbage enthusiasts), Issue 2

Anonymous

(untitled)

Because there are not enough words in this language to describe what I

feel for you and what you mean to me. Because too often our love is

considered as insubstantial and dispensable. I would like to say I love

you. And I would like, if the others don’t understand, that for once

they shut up. Since there is not a word that really speaks of us, I

would like to use for you those that seem to me the strongest, the most

alive, the most passionate. I would like that the “I love you”’s also

belong to us, that “love” is what we share, I would like to call you my

beloved or my love without being asked questions or without our

relationship being requalified in less powerful terms. I would like to

be able to love you without making anyone uncomfortable, I would like to

speak about love without conforming to all the characteristics that are

associated with it. I don’t have a definition of what love might be, I

think it is expressed in 1000 different ways. Here, I would like to

speak to you about what we share, about this feeling that I’m part of

you forever without belonging to you.

Due to their shitty world, their rules about relationships and sex, it

took me too long to understand that I love you, that it is that and yes,

it is unique and crazy, that it is like us. It took me too long to

understand, due to their romantic model, poetry and songs, that what we

were living was strong and precious and that it was worth it to give it

its space. I believed for too long that our relationship was a crutch

and not a backbone. I believed for too long that what was between us was

self-evident, instead of understanding that everything was still to be

invented. We love each other as we can, with our shortcomings, our

clumsiness and our silences, but above all we love each other as we

want, without enclosing ourselves, without forcing ourselves, without

deceiving ourselves. We don’t share everything, we can tell each other

no, we can even not touch each other or not see each other. We can do

all of this because we love each other and don’t possess each other.

Because I think that love can only be lived in freedom, that a caged

love is a love that conceals its dependence and its anxiety badly. I

don’t want that you love me because you owe it to me, because it is more

moral or I don’t know what bullshit. I don’t want that you love me

because without me you wouldn’t have any reasons to live. I would like

you to love me because it is doing you good, because you feel like it,

because instead of limiting you, it multiplies you. I would like that

loving me makes it so that you can love others. And vice versa.

I think that each person, each living being is unique, I think that no

one could ever replace you in my life and in my heart, because no one is

you. Your way of being unique fascinates me, I fell in love with it. I

know you well enough, and I know myself even better, to know that I love

you and your 1000 particularities. I’m not saying I love everything in

you, that would be equal to loving nothing at all. This is what I’m

trying to say to you; that I’m not dependent on our relationship, that

it is your being and its complexity that attracts me and keeps me, that

I make sure to love you and not only “us”. Besides, our relationship and

our commitments that flow from it change according to our desires and

our movements. Over time, what one brings and what one asks have

evolved, nothing is fixed, we are moving and so also is our love. As

long as somewhere on this earth I know you’re alive, that your being can

always be what it is, then I know that everything is possible between

us.

It is for all these reasons that the only promise I can and want to make

you is that I will always love you. I know it is not a mathematical

certainty, like it is not a certainty that I will be alive tomorrow, so

many things can happen to us. But with what I know here and now I can

affirm that I feel like loving you till I cannot love any more. Thus, it

is not this crazy promise that keeps us in love, on the contrary, it is

from our magnificent love that the desire to keep each other company

forever comes. And so, if the reasons for which I hold you so dear to my

heart come to pass, if our desires and our paths come to oppose each

other, our promise wouldn’t have any sense any more. Besides, if I

wouldn’t resemble any more the person that you loved, if my new

identities come to contradict what you cherish in me, then I hope that

you as well would leave… What is important to me is what I feel now,

while promising to love you forever, I promise most of all to love you

immensely here, as I’m speaking to you. That seems contradictory, but I

think that in reality it is one and the same thing. I know that you also

love me, all that is certain, what is not is life and it can change

everything. I will not always be here, I will maybe not always love you

exactly like you wish, you will not be everything for me and I will not

be everything for you. But I have enough confidence in what you are to

know that your being will always be dear to me because it is wonderfully

unique and irreplaceable. Life without you would not be impossible, it

would be terribly more empty and grey. As a life always and only with

you would be cruel to me. But there is an unstable equilibrium between

our promise, that sense of eternity, and our desires for somewhere else

and for freedom, that equilibrium is our desire to love each other.