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Oh boy, here we are. The finale of one of the most chaotic, traumatic, and messiest seasons of the bachelorette. This episode was a full three hours long, which, by all standards of reasonableness, is too damn long. But here I am, a sicko who sat through the entire thing and has chosen to write about whatever the fuck I just watched. Let's just say, I've never written 'oof' and 'wow' as I took notes as often as I did for this episode.
There were moments that were truly painful to watch for a million different reasons. But enough preamble, I've got thoughts and I need to get on with spewing them.
We knew going into this episode that something 'dramatic' happened between Tino and Rachel during and after the show wrapped. I'm not on socials or very active in online bachelor spaces so I had no clue what exactly happened.
Rachel looked absolutely miserable throughout part one of the finale, and that look of misery and pain continued into part two. We get more Jesse dramatics and hyperbole, which I've now become desensitized to, before cutting to the show.
We start with Rachel walking to Tino's room to let him know that, by process of elimination, he's the one she's meant to be with. And what do you know, Tino proposes to Rachel in what sounded like the middle of the jungle with the insane amount of birds screeching. The Bachelor straight-up swapped the roiling waves of the ocean for an exotic bird sanctuary. Is it in their contract that they have to have the proposal in a location with terrible sound? Regardless, this proposal went on way too long and Tino sounded stilted and insincere while professing his love. Overall, a boring proposal.
But here's the thing, I couldn't focus on the actual proposal. Throughout the entire thing we got picture-in-picture (pip) with Rachel, her father 'Big Tony', and random audience members. The pip in this entire episode was an experience in and of itself. But for Rachel, it was absolutely brutal. She looked utterly miserable, practically tortured. And the crazy thing is that we know things are going to go bad! We know that something happens that ruins this supposedly romantic moment. Yet, here we are, watching this poor woman watch herself smiling and joyous in the midst of the loudest birds I've ever heard.
I also want to make a quick mention that after the proposal the show decided to have them ride away together on a horse, and it was the most hilariously awkward thing I've ever seen. Rachel is sitting in the saddle and Tino is sitting just off the back of it and leaning over to hold the reins. It looked insane and I just _had_ to mention it.
Ok, so we cut back to the studio, and this is where shit gets real.
We're left with Jesse and Rachel with dark expressions on their faces. And we just jump right from this supposedly romantic engagement into everything that went wrong afterwards. We learn that the two of them were having major difficulties after the show, and that ultimately Tino cheated on Rachel.
This news is truly shocking, especially considering the timing. Tino cheating on his fiancee so soon after their engagement is disgusting behaviour and absolutely unacceptable. And I know I've been critical of Rachel throughout the run of this show, but it takes guts to come to a live show and break down this terrible experience in public like this.
Things get even more awkward when Jesse tells us that Tino came over to Rachel's house to explain himself, and that the entire thing was filmed.
Tino has been, and always will be, as Bachelorette contestant Ethan so eloquently put it, a "baby-back bitch". Whether it was his edit or just the sketchy vibes he put out, it seemed the contestants on the show and us viewers at home knew something was off about this dude. Yet, when we cut to Gabby and Rachel talking before Tino comes over to Rachel's to talk about the cheating, both women felt blindsided by his behaviour, saying they thought he had incredible character. Either their bullshit detector had a giant Tino blindspot, or this dude was a class-A actor and put on an incredibly deceptive show for three months.
When Tino finally shows up to Rachel's house, he looks visibly bedraggled and is carrying a notebook and pen. Turns out the man brought his journal to flash 'receipts' about the conversations the two of them had leading up to his cheating. Their entire conversation is an exercise in futility as they both talk past each other, rehashing arguments they had in the past while hinting at deeper issues they want to keep private.
Tino legitimately gets up and leaves twice, only to return and continue talking in circles. The second time he's outside his shirt is completely open, in what I assume was an attempt to keep the microphone from picking up the conversation he was having on the phone.
Rachel eventually gives him back the ring and we finally get to the painful conclusion we all knew was coming. What an absolute train wreck.
But apparently that humiliating experience wasn't enough for the show, so we bring Tino into the live studio to sit next to the woman he cheated on sans journal.
Rachel is visibly angry, and I was legitimately impressed with how composed she remained through Tino's bumbling nonsense. I took me a while to put together where the disconnect was occurring between Rachel and Tino, but I think I figured it out. I think that Tino truly believes that him cheating on Rachel wasn't a big deal, and that he couldn't understand why Rachel wasn't ok with just moving on from it.
The way he kept bringing up Rachel saying she'd give back the ring before he cheated on her was gross and a clear attempt by him to skirt responsibility for his actions. Additionally, I'm not ok with the show constantly cutting to and bringing in Rachel's family. It's already hard enough to see Rachel goes through this in slow motion, why do we need Big Tony there too? Though the drama and tension were thick this episode, it felt like it was at the cost of Rachel's wellbeing, and that's not great.
But wait, there's more!
As we get close to the end of the Tino shit-show, Aven shows up! Aven, looking as dapper as ever, walks in, asks Rachel if she'd like to get out of there and grab a drink, Rachel gives an enthusiastic 'YES!' and straight-up leaves. We're then left with a flustered and giddy Jesse and an even more miserable Tino who cannot wait to get out of there. Rachel fully leaves and doesn't return for the rest of the episode.
With that we're finally done with Rachel's 'journey'. And boy oh boy what a journey its been. I genuinely wish the best for Rachel, but far, far away from the reality TV universe. She went through a lot this season and I hope she finds what she's looking for out there away from the cameras.
Part two of the finale was all about Rachel. Her situation was the anchor for this three-hour debacle. But, as it turns out, there's still another bachelorette we need to check-in with and her guy who I couldn't give less of a shit about.
The last time we saw Gabby and Erich together, she was sobbing and stumbling down a hallway after Erich said he wants to date her and that he might not be ready for an engagement. Well, it turns out he actually was ready to get down on one knee because that's exactly what he does.
We're forced to go through another painfully boring proposal during a birdnado (a tornado of birds), which ends with the newly engaged couple riding off on a motorcycle. And with that we cut to the lovely couple live, Gabby in what could be the shortest dress I've ever seen on this show, and Erich still rocking a quasi-mullet.
They talk about how things have been, the struggles of transitioning from the Bachelor-bubble to real life. But we quickly get to the real reason we're here. Jesse brings up the text messages Erich sent to an ex right before coming onto the show. Not only does Jesse mention the messages, the show puts them up onto the big screen! I was shook that they went and did that, but it did up the ante.
At this point Erich's had weeks to prepare for a response, and it was as ho-hum as you'd suspect. He mentions how he shouldn't have lead her on, and that he regrets the things he said. Though I wasn't expecting anything crazy, I was kinda just meh about the whole thing. It should also be mentioned that there was another controversy involving a picture of Erich in his high school yearbook wearing black face, but it wasn't touched on or mentioned at all. Probably a safe bet considering everyone on that stage was white and that situation could lead to a whole heap of trouble for everyone involved.
We get some previous bachelorettes (or bachelor 'royalty' per Jesse) giving advice to Gabby, and we find out Gabby is on Dancing with the Stars too? It's all boring and just felt like filler to me personally.
Anyway, that concluded Gabby's journey. She's happily engaged to a man who's name I already forgot and she'll be dancing her way onto your screens for the foreseeable future. As with Rachel, her entire time of this season was chaotic and messy, but I'm glad at least one lead got a happy ending.
Now that the Bachelorette is done, we all get to move on to the Bachelor. And that lucky guy is Zach. He seems like a nice enough guy, and he has a decent stage presence, so I think I'll give his season a shot.
For some reason, it wasn't enough for the show to just introduce us to the new bachelor. They had to put us through another intensely awkward experience, where Zach had to meet five future contestants live, on that stage. And he had to give a first impression rose to whomever viewers chose through Twitter.
I would have walked right off that stage, but Zach kept it together and handled himself well, even when Jesse asked if he remembered any of their names and he couldn't.
The Bachelor needs to evolve. The formula feels stale, and with more streaming platforms pumping out new, innovative ideas every few months, I feel like this show might get left behind, even with its history and loyal fan base. Gimmicks like this live first impression rose ceremony just emphasize the need for change in my opinion. I'm a newer fan, and though I enjoy this show enough to write nearly two thousand words about it, I still enjoy Paradise more than the core Bachelor and Bachelorette seasons.
This was a wild season, full of disorder and mayhem, but we weathered the storm and experienced whatever the hell this season was.
On a personal note, if you made it this far, thank you for reading :) Feel free to reach out and let me know what you think of these recaps. I plan on doing short blurbs for Paradise, but nothing as extensive as this.
Thanks for coming along!
You can contact me at: koolaidwithkaran[at]protonmail.com