💾 Archived View for republic.circumlunar.space › users › flexibeast › gemlog › 2023-01-12.gmi captured on 2023-01-29 at 02:45:17. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
“A sail without a hull” is the phrase i use to describe people giving (usually well-meaning) advice without first addressing the issues that will allow that advice to be effective. i started using this metaphor a few years ago, based on my own experiences.
i've found that a number of us have spent many years having our experiences and feelings not heard and/or validated - indeed, often having them regularly _in_validated. In response, we've developed a highly defensive mindset as a form of basic self-protection against being constantly gaslit, a mindset typically requiring significant ongoing amounts of psychological energy.
Consequently, giving us advice on how to move forward can feel like it's being ignored and/or resisted. And that might in fact be the case: when one's experiences of advice is of it being given in contexts of invalidation and gaslighting, ignoring and/or resisting it is a ‘not unreasonable’ response.
If you're genuinely trying to support someone in this situation, you need to give them experiences of their own experiences being actively heard and validated. You need to show them that you're coming from a place of “yes, and ...” rather than “no, the reality is ...”. You need to give them reasons to put less energy into shoring up their defensive wall.
Start building the hull first. Giving someone a sail without a hull is not likely to be effective in helping them navigate their emotions.
--
🏷 health,psychology