💾 Archived View for bladebby99.flounder.online › hi.gmi captured on 2023-01-29 at 02:31:57. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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life hack: on the days we have to get here at 8 a.m., instead of spending the extra hour working on "projects" spend it frantically writing yet another essay about the atlanta spa shootings, this way you will start the day feeling productive, and depressed in the special way that you were depressed as a senior in college
at the desk
i loved last night, it was happy in a heavy kind of way, which i think is how it feels sometimes with old friends
today, meditating on nick hakim "happen" lyrics, which i will now type out and sing in my head while nothing happens around me
the sweetest angel
fell into my world
she gives me reasons
was lost for a damn long time
she pours honey
down my throat
we stay up all night
i watch the sun scan her body
i just
let it
happen
let it
happen
let it
happen
let it
happen
let it
happen
let it
happen
a supernova
exploded and changed my world
i lost my old ways
i found something new from the ocean
i love you honey
glad you found me in this life
i watch the sun scan your body
so damn lovely every inch
i just
let it
happen
let it
happen
let it
happen
let it
happen
let it
happen
let it
happen
let it
happen
let it
happen
let it
happen
let it
happen
let it
happen
let it
happen
something from an interview about how he's proud of this one because his intentions were pure. something about how he started writing it in the early morning hours, one of the times he woke up anxious and started playing something to calm down
i felt that because this song came out sometime in october, i still had the other job and the mornings were terrible, like my immediate task upon waking was to slow my heart down, and when this song came out i listened to it every morning while i made breakfast just to feel something in my body soften before i had to button up again. it made me feel romantic just in mood not about anything. i actually don't think about anything when i listen, expect maybe the view of the living room from my kitchen. we have that big red rug and it lights right up in the morning. maybe i think about laying down and letting the sun scan my body. just me
there's a certain kind of patron that hustles up to the reference desk asking for a bible and you can just feel that if you hesitate at all, if you give them a chance to suspect that the location of the bibles is not highly important to you, a no-brainer, if you even ask a follow-up question really, there's a certain kind of patron that just makes you take that question really seriously
when vince staples said "love the way you illuminate my thoughts"
second half of second verse on saba "fighter":
me and my girl just fought 'cause i talked before she could talk
she was telling a story, i cut her off with some shit not 'bout the same topic
so she just stopped in the middle before the plot hit
the rest of the car ride silent, like "you always do this"
like, "you don't value my thoughts — either that, or you too damn stupid to realize
that if you don't hear me out, then i'ma feel muted
you say that you care, well, show it — i'm not asking a lot
i know you think you listening, but you just waiting to talk," ha
my fault
lmao...
dangerously tired
why i prefer the term "relationship termination" to "breakup":
i was given this vocabulary in an interpersonal communication class in college. it's part of a set (initiation, maintenance, and termination)
"breakup” is the shattering of something, or a gradual fracturing. a mirror, a mug. a bone
"termination" is, you were going somewhere together, and now you're not. a movement is terminated, or a journey
we were on our way together and i got off, or you got off, maybe you stayed here, and i caught a different train
really what happened is, i realized i had dragged you here, and you didn't even know where you were. i think you were just happy to have a guide
but i wanted to go somewhere with you! i didn't know where. i thought we could decide together. i just wanted to have a good trip
termination is, “this is where i leave you”
after a "breakup" one possibility is to "get back together." you can collect the pieces and try to make them fit again, which is a silly and natural reaction
to try again after "termination" is to return to "initiation." to begin an entirely new and different adventure. doesn't that sound like something you would think a lot harder about? because you should. you should really think before doing something like that
i realized we have fundamentally different approaches to relationships. and i don't mean the defined romantic relationship, i mean relationships like, two connected people (you know they're all relationships, right?)
i get the sense that you think my expectations of you, as a romantic partner, were unrealistic (and they were, for you. but i never needed or expected you to meet them all. i just wanted you to wonder what they were)
maybe you thought, if no other men have met my standards, how could you? maybe you feel like i set you up. maybe you think my experiences are more a reflection of me than of men, of you
after i tried to explain my unhappiness, and you asked me, "how have men communicated with you in the past?" i think that's what you were doing. it felt like you were beckoning me towards a point, about how my dissatisfaction might be a fact of me
(when i asked why are you asking me this you just went quiet again. so i don't feel any unmanageable guilt about speculating)
anyways
i wouldn't have accepted this kind of treatment from a friend, either. i can count several casual friendships that involve a stronger mutual engagement, affirmation, curiosity, openness, and intention. and none of them ever asked me to be their girlfriend
anyways
i'm not just being facetious when i say we can blame this on me being a communication major. it's true that i spend excessive amounts of time thinking about interpersonal communication and relationships and naming all of their parts. i will continue to do this
anyways
maybe you will meet someone with a more similar approach to relationships. someone, i guess, who is more interested in the verbal agreement of a relationship, in gesturing towards closeness, than in the work of creating it
and that's where the good stuff is, the work. the questions you ask and the conversations you enter in the continued effort to understand and nurture someone else's inner life. that is the work of intimacy
to be more precise, the work is the act of making your commitment to this effort known. the work is not the actual excavation. you might not ever get there, and some people are really buried deep
but if you've done the work, they should just feel that you are curious about what you might find, that you would consider the findings carefully, that you might ask what is this? where did it come from?
almost always, the assurance of your curiosity is enough encouragement for them to go ahead and show you the way
at that point, the work is just to express care. if you haven't done the work, they will feel foolish for revealing themselves, or even ashamed. your goal is just to avoid this outcome
and well. here we are. haha
don't get me wrong though, i feel worse for you. at least i got to confess one more time. you are probably still thinking of what to say
waiting for class to start
uneasy, no appetite
feeling fine i guess. at work which is currently providing an emotional balm
had an excellent weekend like better than i could've hoped and better than i can believe now that it's over
just noticed i am really tired. i produced good vibes for like three entire hours though. it's not every day we see a performance like that from bladebby99
flood magazine on the new nick hakim:
cometa has been pegged as an album about love, and although there are plenty of intimate scenes, these 10 tracks are most successful as portals into a meditative state.
this makes so much sense. i knew love wasn't the reason i liked it
big fan of how the barista went WARM CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE when my warm chocolate chip cookie was ready
usually with men the problem is not being xxx rather it is the complex they have about being xxx but they convince themselves you see xxx itself as the problem because they struggle to think of your thought processes as complex and discerning and in the end it all serves to reinforce their xxx complex. sad
from patricia hampl, the dark art of description:
i was painfully aware of just how specific every bit of writing is, full of choices and chances, not theoretical at all, not the business of sweeping statements or smart ideas...just subject-verb-object and the hope for meaning.
waiting for a table because our reservation got lost
not sure how i feel about leaving
picked up “here i am burn me” by kimberly nguyen at brookline booksmith
had a small bowl of latte at breakfast, smoked salmon and creme fraiche on multigrain with pickled cabbage, pancakes with butter and nutella, shakshuka. still satiated
happy lunar new year from boston
i got here late thursday night. nematode and future nematode-in-law picked me up from the airport. they were hungry and seemed excited about getting mcdonald's so we walked in the sleet. this was my first experience after landing, just being cold and wet and watching my shoes get destroyed yet feeling completely protected by the insular universe of the two todes. they really seem to share a single brain cell which is concerning and endearing and i guess okay for where they're at in life
we saw nick hakim at brighton music hall yesterday, the best concert of my life and it will probably stay that way, which is fine
emotional peaks: "i don't know" guitar solo (i fell asleep to this song most nights, when i was like 16), "happen" second verse ("i found something new from the ocean") (he walked to our side of the stage for the first time, i was on the rail)
deeply annoyed
waiting for class to start
what am i thinking about this morning? aside from the obvious. i'm thinking about boston. i'm nervous about flying. not like actual fear about being in the air just about the whole production
thinking about michael jordan and how his worldview and approach to life were entirely centered on winning, being unquestionably the best, and silencing the skeptics. apparently many of his former teammates, especially scottie pippen were pretty unhappy with the narrative of the last dance, how jordan is the god and the hero and the heart and soul of the whole story. apparently he doesn't talk to a lot of them anymore
just killed it at two truths and a lie
another good morning, wow
phones are ringing off the hook, i am alive
over breakfast, had a conversation with my roommate about how to use the word "facetious." he texted his mom, who basically described it as a synonym of "sarcastic," but i don't think this is right, or maybe they are interchangeable sometimes. i don't really believe in synonyms
a coworker sent me a document to print, i pointed out a misspelling. maybe shouldn't have, since i didn't notice until after i had already printed 15 copies. proudest editing catch was at the paper, a front page story about rental rates, spelled "renal" rates in the headline. my most impactful moment in journalism. actually would've been more impactful if i hadn't corrected it
continuing my review of dates i went on last year and the moments i felt most and least hopeful about our connection and future
person 2
person 3
physically cringed getting out of bed this morning, as if experiencing real pain
today throughout my workday i will be doing a review of dates i went on last year, specifically the moments i felt most and least hopeful about my connection/future with the person
person 1
feeling good, which is sometimes more tiring than feeling bad
my two dating personalities are "turtle" and "feral cat"
took the enneagram test again today, results still overwhelmingly show type 4 but this time i scored pretty high on 5, 2 and 8 as well. scored lowest on 3, which used to be my next highest
here's how the enneagram institute describes a type 2 at an average, just below healthy level
want to be closer to others, so start "people pleasing," becoming overly friendly, emotionally demonstrative, and full of "good intentions" about everything...love is their supreme value, and they talk about it constantly.
the last line stings, as does "emotionally demonstrative." i wonder if i am in danger of entering this zone. i used to care less about being a good friend, but it's one of the most important things to me now (i think because at some point it started to feel like my relationships were keeping me alive) and i think i've developed some weird complex as a result of this new interpersonal focus
woke up as roommate returned from morning lab. ceded the bathroom to him as he needed to shower before heading out for his next thing. he is already gone again, and i've finally started the laundry
goals today are read, vacuum, try to be happy
meeting s. for lunch soon
the library rejected my suggestion to purchase the 2022 duster album on cd
woke up again
goals today are laundry, give t. feedback on her speech, cover sza "snooze," get through my closing shift without unraveling
at work. a sleepy pile of mice instead of a brain
danced!
playing ctrl again
listened to hours of recovered voice memos last night, left me with a powerful feeling of loss. this is the energy i am bringing into today
i don't think this morning and night journal thing is really adding anything to my flounder experience, i don't really do "morning" and "night" very well, i kind of just wake up and fall asleep to the static in my brain. but that was kind of the point, to start being more intentional about when my day begins and ends
today has been uniquely paralyzing, post-covid it is difficult to know what is recovery fatigue, what is depression, what is relationship stress. yesterday at work i had a feeling of drowning. i planned to be more alive today. it was nice to dance in the morning. i like to imagine i am at a party and someone put on my favorite song. this has never happened
though one night at the roller rink in kirksville, they put on dapper by domo genesis ft. anderson paak. surreal
listening to old recordings last night i mourned my voice, and also a friend. me and jay were good music partners and i'm sad it exploded. especially sad hearing us blow each other's minds during forgotten jam sessions, me oohing every time he hit a guitar lick, him ahhing when i made an interesting melodic choice. i took that kind of collaboration for granted in college
what happened to my voice? i think it was overuse first, then when my voice started to underperform i forced it out by drinking through live sets, which only compounded the damage, and now i am dealing with that. but also, aging. my voice is just aging, i am aging. i always forget that. i always think every change is a symptom of some acquired disorder or trauma. but sometimes changes are just changes
the thing is i was never happy with my younger voice or body either, but i have never stopped grieving them
i had a conversation with roommate recently, about our "core feelings," as in the feelings that we are most prone to feeling, especially at powerful levels that may even inspire action. like, the feelings that vibrate at the frequencies of our unique emotional infrastructures. we decided mine is "limerence," and his is "righteous anger." i think mine might also be nostalgia
for a couple hours last night, after reviewing the recordings, my voice felt different. the sound of my past singing activated something in my current singing, which confirms something i've sometimes suspected, which is that my narrative about the destruction of my voice has cemented a mental block that keeps me from using my full voice. maybe i use the mental block to validate my decision to scale back on all music efforts
i used to listen to excellent vocalists constantly, as research. before performing i would meditate on jazmine sullivan, tori kelly, india arie, durand bernarr. i would click on all the recommended videos. i don't do that anymore, in fact i seek out weak vocalists, like lindsey jordan and beabadoobee. some weeks i only sing songs off "valentine," because i know lindsey was recording with nodes
olivia if you're reading this ily
i am really, really enjoying hanif abdurraqib's book. i am finding it life-affirming
goals today are make progress on my beabadoobee essay, go to the gym, read
goals today are deliver a gift, vacuum, prep tomorrow's lunch, read, write, stretch, email, laundry
feeling fried
today there will be plot development
i've been at the library since noon, haven't done anything else today other than make breakfast and listen to some of an episode of the ringer podcast. i don't even remember what it was about. something about how donovan mitchell's shooting percentages from all over the court have improved since joining the cleveland cavaliers
goals today are read, write, sing, stretch, communicate with j. about tomorrow
gonna use this file to journal at the start of my day
feeling okay, had breakfast and read abdurraqib's carly rae jepsen essay, so i will probably listen to emotion the album today
goals today are to read, write, sing, walk. work on my application