💾 Archived View for mitch.flounder.online › journal.gmi captured on 2023-01-29 at 02:37:37. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
➡️ Next capture (2023-04-19)
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12.24.22
just getting some thoughts out:
i am reconnecting with my friend who i used to have an incredibly romantically and sexually charged friendship with, but suddenly broke up with one day because i felt like they were manipulating me. but reconnecting has been really good so far. and we're taking things slow on purpose because we're both mentally ill freaks who use intimacy like a drug. and i visited them at their sober living house and it felt really nice. and i am just yearning for intimacy and romance and sex so i'm like <3__<3 i'm in love with them. but i don't think i am or should be. it's really hard not to be completely pedal to the metal with this person. we're just both really intense little weirdos, and they really bring that out of me more than anyone else ever has.
i've had a headache for like 3 days now....not very epic. i hope it's not because of my new phone game that i spend hours playing every day........
i had more to say but i forgot what it was, which is probably for the best.
12.18.22
i need to remember to talk to my therapist about how i'm definitely a sex addict.
12.12.22
feeling insanely, deeply, desperately sad about how things ended with michael. i wish that they didn't do that to me. i wish that they had not acted like that, and things did not have to end that way. it is really deeply sad and fucked up.
12.7.22
i made a mistake with my money and i feel deeply ashamed and guilty but in reality it’s okay. it’s okay to make mistakes. this sets me back but it isn’t the end of the world. the voice in my head that sounds like my dad’s is really mad at me but it’s actually fine. he raised me to believe making a financial mistake is the worst mistake you can make. but it's not. it's okay. actually most mistakes that don't hurt people are okay, ultimately. i don't have to beat myself up over this.
11.13.22
i always feel guilty about how i feel.
11.09.22
ooh owie i miss michael so bad it hurts. i am trying to be normal but it hurts.
11.08.22
dreams last night were too fucked up to fully remember but they've been haunting me all day anyway.
i learned if i drink half a cup of coffee, i can get all my work for the day done in 3 hours, but i have to spend the other 5 hours having a panic attack. vote now, followers: being a productive laborer or loving myself
speaking of voting i absolutely did not vote today and it felt good :) we need more feel-good vote abstention propaganda.
ooh walgreens just texted me that my testosterone is ready to pick up after them just not filling it all week <3
i CANT wAIT for the new pokemon game to come out!!! i am positive that it will cure every ailment i've ever had.
oh foot update: i have tendonitis in my ankle FROM MY NEW ORTHOPEDIC SHOES....trust literally no one!!!!!
11.07.22
my foot problems are severely worsening each day :( i have developed painful ankle issues now?? i think from walking weirdly on my fucked up fracture!!! i'm seeing my perfect angel podiatrist tomorrow, so hopefully she will heal me.
i also have absolutely zero motivation to do my job. it sucks. i am really struggling at work. partially because i'm so burnt out on my awful job that pays me inequitably, but also because i'm really depressed and fatigued all the time. i have found that stimulants help but the risk of crashing and burning with anxiety as i come down always looms. i'm just very sensitive..to all substances and stimuli... :)
one of my favorite things about my dad is that you can't really bring up blues brothers (1980) around him, or else it's all he'll talk about for like 5 minutes. he'll just list scenes from it that he likes.
10.24.22
as a child, i was well-liked, but never popular per se. i didn't become popular until i came into my own queerness, and especially later when i came into my transness. confidence is pretty crazy. i'm faking it most of the time but it works.
anyway, having this sort of root of not feeling understood or understanding myself for many years, and then suddenly understanding myself and feeling understood by people...has left me with a consistent desire to feel heard and seen. it's like a form of external validation that's just me begging to be witnessed.
when i was dating vivian, she was trying to explain to her mom that i'm popular, and her mom was like, "because he does nice things for the community or something?" and vivian was like, "no he's just gay online." ethered.
10.15.22
last night the cats both spent all night on the bed with us, which has literally never happened. i think they knew it was our last night as roommates :’(
10.14.22 - pt. 2
i finally ordered period underwear because "any underwear is period underwear if you're not a coward" wasn't working for me anymore.
i really wanna stop using twitter/instagram so much, and it would be cool if i started floundering more instead.
today i FINALLY saw a podiatrist!!! the coolest, weirdest doctor i've ever had the pleasure of being treated by. she had to be in her 70s, possibly late 70s. first off, she answered her own phone. when i got there, i found out she actually did have a secretary, but she's a 7-lb poodle mix. the dogtor. she also had the thickest boston accent i've ever heard (the doctor, not the dog). she was amazing. my primary care physician scared the shit out of me but the podiatrist metaphorically kissed me on the forehead and tucked me into bed with warm milk. (is warm milk good? it cannot possibly be good.)
so i don't need surgery, i just have to wear funny shoes and avoid extending my foot.
i'm listening to the jennifer's body soundtrack right now
\m/…(>.<)…\m/
and i'm reading "the beauty of the husband" by anne carson </3
10.14.22
i texted my dad to ask how old his oldest fish was, because he's had multiple fish tanks for decades now. and then i thought about how someday i won't be able to text my dad anytime i want and got sad. someday there will be things i want to share with my parents and i won't be able to.
edit: his oldest fish lived for about 6 years, and he has some close to that age currently.
10.12.22
if i ever did cocaine again, i am positive i’d enter an anxiety attack so powerful i would kill myself.
10.11.22
i spend every moment bracing for impact, so that when it happens i can blame myself
10.03.22
have not been floundering bc life is hard and i'm trying to be less dramatic online, but i just remembered i made a really good halloween playlist i started a few years ago,, if anyone wants to check out my playlists.gmi page.
i also have a really good halloween costume ready for this year. it's...
9.30.22
sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad holy hell release me from this pain sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad
9.28.22
TW: sexual assault
i developed hypersexuality as a defense mechanism because one of my earliest sexual encounters was non-consensual. so i learned that if i just never say no, i never have to worry about being assaulted again.
i've had a really good year of healing, healthy sexual experiences, which feels amazing after a year or two of feeling rejected. but i'm still working on healing my relationship with sex. i wonder if i will always be working on that. like one guy made a decision to hurt me when i was 20, and i will be paying for it mentally, emotionally, and physically for the rest of my life? pretty bleak.
9.26.22
had such a nice time at my high school bestie abigail's wedding yesterday. it was my first gay wedding!!! now two of my top high school besties got married this year, that's wild. it was out in elburn on a farm, and it was so nice to see stars and goats and open fields :)
i loved having michael as my date. abigail's mom said to michael: "thanks for making mitch so happy"
AND i get to make it about ME because it's my journal dot gmi 0:-)
i met abigail our first day of high school, and she only sat next to me because i was the only person in our english class shorter than her. i'm quite a bit taller now but i don't remember growing. we used to write each other long letters every day. we shared a locker. we figured out how to smoke weed together. she was the first person i came out to as bi. she was also the first person i expressed gender feelings to, before i realized that’s what they were. she showed me all my favorite bands, and some bad ones too.
basically she's the person who taught me what love is. we were totally in love with each other and in a serious relationship, but we didn't call it that.
at the wedding, we were explaining our relationship to her new non-binary wife, and abigail was like "basically we were really codependent" and internally i was like owwie...no epiphanies at the wedding please... my main therapy convo the past year has been like "oh my god how did i get so codependent" and now i have an idea.
9.22.22
my first gay crush was on the first punk girl i ever met. she was two years older than me, and was on the school newspaper staff with me. i pulled her name during secret santa and bought her a cool leopard print wallet, and she became fond of me after that. she made me a mix cd and gave me an old ramones shirt. i started writing poems about her and sleeping in her shirt because it smelled like her. i called her my muse. i thought this was totally heterosexual behavior.
but when it was time for her to graduate, i was absolutely sick with anxiety and depression. around this time, i realized i was being a) weird and b) gay.
she wrote in my yearbook that i should check out a band called bikini kill. this was instantly the most influential comment anyone ever made to me as a teenager. that summer, i dedicated my little 16-year-old life to punk music and feminism.
i started a riot grrrl zine with my friends and we used the school newspaper printer to print a bunch of copies and give them out to people. some people loved it and some people hated it. feminism was not popular among teenagers in 2009. we got actual hate mail at one point which simply emboldened us, of course.
anyway, i started thinking about this yesterday because i was listening to the first two records by bikini kill. 'feels blind' was the first song i ever learned on bass, because my dad said he would only buy me a bass if i promised to learn 3 songs. i think the other two were 'blitzkrieg bop' and 'smells like teen spirit' lmao. then i didn't pick up the bass again for about 10 years!
9.21.22
i'm on flounder on my work computer and it looks completely different! i think because i'm on day mode rn.
i'm still processing my friend breakup with jourden from november 2020, if anyone wants to a) contact NASA for assistance, or b) shoot me in the head. our friendship fell apart because i couldn't say No when it mattered, and that's painful to think about. intimacy is hard, boundaries are hard.
i think the new antibiotics are helping!
9.20.22
i had pneumonia, then took antibiotics and was better for a week. but now my symptoms are back full force. my doctor made me go to the hospital to get x-rays and it was an incredibly stressful ordeal. i can't breathe very well, and i also can't really walk! because my foot has been inexplicably fucked up for a couple weeks now? my entire body is falling apart and i'm exhausted. and i'm stressed about my insane workload, but i can't bring myself to work at all when i'm sick, because my job is so stressful lately.
9.19.22
the knuc tats "game" is a twisted, perverted compulsion at this point, so i couldn't stop if i wanted to. but lately i have also been thinking about knee tats. above-the-knee tats. my friend kelsey has BEEP above each kneecap, like BEEP BEEP, and i just think that's so good. i have been thinking about this for about a month, and have not come up with a single one worth mentioning. except maybe "good dog" and "bad dog" above each kneecap, but i don't think i'm kinky enough to pull that off. it's not really my thing, anyway. i think it's really astounding that i haven't come up with a single viable option in one month.
i was at a wedding last week, and a guy was telling me that there's a documentary about the ultimate sommelier test, where you have to taste 3 reds and 3 whites and identify them, and then you have to answer an EIGHT HUNDRED question test about wine. and i was like damn...what is a subject where you could pass an 800-question test? jen said i'm not autistic enough to have a singular answer, but i realized several days later it's drag race :/ what's yours? i would really like to know.
btw this was the most beautiful wedding i've ever attended in my life!!!! they read their vows and i cried a genuinely inappropriate amount. like other people noticed and later commented on how much i was crying. i was just like holy shit i just realized for the 100,000th time that love is real and that's beautiful but also painful