💾 Archived View for yvngwytch840.flounder.online › jernul.gmi captured on 2023-01-29 at 02:15:50. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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Trying to decide if its worth it to cancel some plans and head to vancouver for this weekend (before my class starts again) to get a last minute binge in and level myself out. I really enjoyed my christmas break but it was way too long and now I am feeling completely unprepared and unconfident about my ability to return and succeed in class. Going and partying in Vancouver is going to make this feel worse though, but i might not get a chance to see any of my vancouver friends this term so im not sure what I'll do.
Happy new year! Alex was in town for a few days which was really fun. on Friday I met his famous software developer friend on his boat in the inner harbour, and he took us to another boat for some drinks with a famous boating youtuber. I think I probably got a bit too drunk and made a fool of myself lol.
For New Years eve I DEFINITELY got too drunk and DEFINITELY made a fool of myself but I had fun so its not that bad. Yesterday I spent most of the day nursing my hangover, so it's time to clean up my house and get ready for going back to school next week.
The woman who asked for my number on Christmas Eve asked me out for coffee but I don't think we're actually going to get to the point, just have a feeling. But it's pretty funny how this is continuing.
Currently trying to cure my wine hangover before I go to my mother's house because I finished an entire bottle of wine last night and was out until 2 am at a house party that some of my ex-coworkers were at. I reconnected with a friend I haven't seen since January which was cool. I'm going to make a more concerted effort to hang out with her more.
I got a girl's number (technically she asked me for a way to stay in contact but I don't use social media other than flounder so) because I heard her talking about phillipine politics, and I told her about how Richard Nixon promised to send Bong Bong Marcos, current president and son of then-president Feridand Marcos, to the moon and/or mars as part of a 1969 address. She thinks I am smart and its really funny because I learned this from the podcast True Anon lol.
Before the party, I had my annual Christmas Eve dinner with my step-family, and my 12 year old cousin told me she has a wedding ring for her girlfriend which is adorable. I am going to make plans with her mother to spend a 1-on-1 day with her because she specifically requested to hang out with me before they even flew out here. Also during dinner she made a private joke to me about putting her period blood in the food which was incredibly funny and weird. Feels good being the cool cousin that my kid relatives want to hang out with lol.
All buses are canceled across the entire city. I lost a nearly 3000 dollar mtg deck last week which has been turned in to a shop in town which I won't be able to get to even if it is open today (unlikely). Oh and idk if I can get food from the grocery store lol. Good thing I stocked up earlier this week.
Gonna have to chop wood today though which will suck
My landlady drove me to pick up my magic cards lol. and also we went to the grocery store together. I still have to chop wood which sucks but it looks like the coldest part of the storm has passed thankfully.
Legitimately sad that I missed out on straight A+s this term because I missed 1.5% in in my online-only course. Like I know I shouldn't care because I objectively have good marks and even got a bursary, but I still wanted to get 90%+ in all my courses. Last time I went to school I was depressed and getting C- in every course so this is still improvement but it tastes like ashes in my mouth because I am a whiny bitch!
The weather is apparently going to get really bad. The government sent out a warning that we should be prepared for a week with no power. This probably means that the grocery store will be insane tomorrow, but I have a decent amount of frozen food available to me. But all the buses are canceled so idk if I'll be able to get around much. And I'll need to chop a ton of wood tomorrow too probably in order to stay warm.
It did not stop snowing and Environment Canada issued an extreme weather warning for a large area around where I live. There's about half a foot of snow outside. Thankfully before I was awake my landlady and her husband shoveled the snow from in front of my door so I'm not snowed in. I'm probably gonna have to shovel away some snow so I have space in the backyard to chop more wood lol.
i walked to the store today to get some garlic and i talked to my mom on the phone on the way there. i saw some FUCKING IDIOT skiiing down the street lmfao. this neighbourhood sucks lol.
anyway i made a sandwich with some stuff I got from the food bank and it was pretty awesome. might have something to do with me being half cut rn but im okay with that. it was a damn good sandwich.
it's been snowing a lot. i chopped some wood in the snow today, then lit a big fire and had a nap. gonna try and get a new PB in my nuzlocke.
did some volunteering at my old work on Friday, yesterday, and today. might go again on friday but im not sure (i won't have a ride in so i might be lazy and stay home).
im about to go to bed and its been snowing consistently for several hours. if it keeps up like this i bet a lot of places will be closed tomorrow. gonna have to chop some firewood in annoying levels of snow with no snow clothes lol. fml
i got a 500 dollar busary (scholarship) today for being such a good student (i assume, lol). im pogging. got drunk to celebrate.
my zoomer friend told me yesterday that he broke up with his girlfriend and dropped out of school to move back to victoria (i thought he was only visiting for the holidays). i was pretty surprised that he would speak so openly about his depression and stuff with me. seems like he is doing well though and its cool that he considers me a close enough friend to mention that stuff to me.
finished school last week and went to vancouver to party with friends I hadn't seen in a while. i was the only one who wanted to go super hard, so im kinda thinking I'm going to need to reevaluate my party expectations with my friends, who are all moving on with their lives. still, was fun tho. got really drunk in a hotel and had fun hanging out in the pool and hot tub. had lots of fried chicken lol
my aforementioned english prof and I walked together across the campus on Friday and we talked a bit. Turns out she is American from Hawaii so the focus on the American blockade of Cuba turned out to be very applicable to her because of her education.
I made reference to a band in the acknowledgements section of my research paper (I named my cat Virtue after a song by the Weakerthans, and gave her an acknowledgement) and she was familiar with the band. I actually really like her lol. im (clown emoji)
however she only gave me 98% on my paper so im pissed about that
my english prof, who i have a small crush on, asked me for book recommendations on Cuba and I got her started on the podcast blowback lol. she emailed me this morning so say that she started listening to it. this is the reverse of "college making kids socialist" - I'm making my teachers socialist. anyway she's kinda based and I might try and keep in contact with her after my term is over (next week)
oops haven't been on here in a while. if anyone would like to read the research paper on cuba that i've been writing lmk
Is it unethical for me to say mean things to my cat in a nice voice because she can't understand me? For example, I will tell her I am going to take her back to the shelter if she keeps scratching at the door, but I say it softly in a higher pitch than normal like when I tell her I love her.
Anyway I cleaned my house yesterday but then I was late to class and I feel like I should drop out so it's all been kind of a wash. The long weekend really messed with me.
Floundering while walking my cat. Someone I know came out as transgender on Thursday and yesterday was the first day of our group hanging out and it does make me kind of weirded out but I'm sure I'll adjust. It's just weird when you think you know someone but you don't really. She's a nice person anyway.
Drank an entire bottle of wine last night then had to get up at 6:30 but I'm feeling good. The election stream was great.
Gonna get a dog because the dog veterinarian at the place I take Virtue (my cat) to is hot
being forced to read a book that says "sadly, our society...scrutinizes some first responder agencies, such as law enforcement."
ok first of all, name one more agency (you can't, bitch) and second I notice you didn't say they don't deserve it!!! i fucking hate my program and i hate this shitty book i had to spend $30 on
also the hot girl from Nov 3 said she thinks i am the smartest person in the class. she also watches Hasan lol
I had some chocolate cookies today and it was the first chocolate i've had in months and it hurt my stomach real bad
Submitted an assignment where I reference Alex talking about Deleuze.
Why does canada/us get away with having such fucking awful transit?? I was late for something yesterday because my bus was ten minutes late yesterday, and now I'm late today because it was 3 minutes early. How the fuck do you plan for this?? It's noteworthy in Japan if a train is 30 seconds late.
I love that my cat has a bedtime ritual. After I turn the lights off and get into bed, she will climb up her cat tree, walk on to my wardrobe, then jump from the wardrobe to a very high shelf and look out the window for a while. Then when she gets bored of that she will jump down on to the bed and snuggle up to one of my legs and then go to sleep.
A really attractive woman in my program has started talking me and she makes assumptions that my life is anything like hers (i am not that attractive so i appreciate her obliviousness to this fact) and she also assumes I am straight instead of everyone assuming i am gay (chiefly because i am ugly) and talks to me about makeup and skincare shit because she assumes I do stuff like that because I have clear skin. She's an angel, basically.
did a bunch of cocaine last night at a party and got home at 3am and then barely slept and got chinese food with my friend this morning and then proceeded to sit around all day feeling like shit.
Had a very good introspection session while biking to the grocery store today. I am feeling very stressed about school, to the point that i am actually breaking out on my face, but I am not actually even approaching the process of actually failing anything. I'm so concerned with the possibility that I might "fail", that I am beginning to stress out even though I am reliably obtaining good marks and feedback on all my assignments and papers, and many of my classmates have remarked that they are impressed by me.
The last time I went to school I was extremely depressed and mentally ill, so getting 70-80% on any assignment was essentially the best I could have hoped for, but I'm realizing now that I have unconsciously moved my standard to failure as being anything less than 90%. I think this is because I have been supported a lot (especially financially) by other people, especially recently, and so I really want to do well in order to make them not hate me for wasting their money essentially. And I think I need to accept that I may get less than 90% on some assignments, I'm starting to have enough assignments that its possible I might have to submit something I'm not reasonably happy with, and its probably not healthy for me to hate myself for the occasional product that does not meet my standards.
I was thinking about going to the school provided counseling, but I have been hesitant because I spent a lot of time at my worst getting referred in a circle by service providers for low-income people but being told I wasn't in the scope of some program or whatever. I don't want to go to this service only to be told that they are only interested in solving academic problems.
But I probably could use some therapy. I'm finding that I am harming my life and health by my pathological desire to never fail at anything. I would rather simply not engage with something than new or difficult than try and fail (before, hopefully, getting better at it eventually). I'm starting to feel the heat of class, and am, not seriously, thinking of dropping out or reducing my program to part-time because I'm worried about the prospect of potentially not getting 90% on an assignment. And for a drug addled former alcoholic, that is insane even for me. There is clearly something wrong with me and how I interface with the world, and it remains to be seen whether or not I need someone to help me figure that out.
I literally live in a cottage core meme. I live in a cottage with my cat and I put on a fire to go to sleep and I can listen to the flames crackle as I dduft off to dream land. I assume that's cottage core anyway.
got a paper back today and realized that I forgot an entire section of it but my prof liked it so much she gave me over 90% anyway so thats good. its getting cold here now and my place is not insulated so i have to run a wood stove in order to stay warm lmao. I finally decided to start my first fire this fall today because im tired of being cold all the time.
wrote a big paper today and it looks good. also did another assignment this morning. feeling a little bit better than yesterday, probably because all i did yesterday was wallow in self pity and play pokemon, and today I actually did work.
Feeling like I'm gonna fail at least one course even though there is no factual basis for this. I'm still doing well in all my courses, and I'm not submitting any major assignments late, and I don't feel like there is any subject matter being taught that I don't fundamentally understand. So I'm not sure why I'm feeling doomed, but I am!
Got only 93% on my exam, but even worse than that I got less than 90% on my first assignment (IT WAS 89.88% WHAT THE FUCK) this term so basically my life is over now. Also all my instructors are tech illiterate but all independently think they have a totally non-confusing way of organizing their online assingments.
em i literally do not remember giving you $20 lmfao. i must have been so fucked up. anyway i guess I should stop calling the money tear proof and instead tear resistant. it's still legal tender should you ever visit canada though!
the evil guy who literally looks like a corpse who was trying to buy his way into the mayorship of my city lost yesterday but 20 points lmao! eat shit asshole!
I had to set an alarm for 6:30 this morning so I could do an exam for my english course. It was open from 8:30am yesterday until 8:30am today, and I only remembered I hadn't done it once I had already gotten in bed last night, oops.
Even though it's not likely, I hope I get 100% on it because on every other assignment for that class so far I've gotten 100%. I would really like to continue that streak.
Yesterday the big military guy who sits next to me in all my classes showed up basically just to tell me he wasn't going to be there and asked me to take notes for him. So the girl in my class who is always really nice to me actually switched tables to sit next to me for the class and chat. Unfortunately for me, I also heard her talking to someone else about her boyfriend earlier this week so it is over for me.
I actually feel completely fine from all my vaccines I got yesterday, and I think my arm is only still sore from the covid vaccine I got on Thursday.
I voted today and a friend of mine is running for school board trustee so I got to vote for him. That was pretty cool.
got my fucking 4th covid shot yesterday and i feel like shit. i am not getting any more covid vaccines i am done, this shit is STUPID.
However for my practicum next year I have to get all my childhood vaccines I apparently didn't get, so today I am getting vaccinated with the MMR vaccine, chickenpox, and tetanus. So tomorrow I'll probably want to kill myself.
just got back from this and i always like it when doctors ask if theres any chance i could be pregnant cuz they think im out there rawdogging it like hell yeah brother i totally have sex all the time, and with men!
Doris thank you for your kind words but when I write something vs when I say something is completely different. I can communicate pretty well via text but any time I attempt to speak outloud I instantly lose like 20 IQ points and just become a rambling moron.
Em I hope you go see chelsea manning's DJ set. Also I read about your concussion and that sucks and I hope you continue to recover. Whenever I see a stupid vanity license plate here I always think of you.
Em - yes it is me - I said the canadian money is impossible to rip, not the cuban money LOL. it is just regular paper.
unsuccessfully avoided going on an autistic rant about how the US primarily exports death and destruction and now everyone in my class thinks im insane
submitted a very angry rant in one of my assignments (on PTSD) that required reading resources from the US Veterans' Affairs website. Can't share with any of my friends because they will think im a psycho but I'm really mad. Here it is:
I find out both extremely ironic and disgusting in equal measures that our mandatory research site for this assignment was the Department of Veterans’ Affairs. No organization on earth has produced as much PTSD as the American Military and their pathological desire to murder and terrorize across the globe.
I chose to look at the effects of war-zone stressors on civilians, but not before looking at the effects on “peacekeepers” (there was, unsurprisingly, not a category for active-duty military or torture survivor as the American government does not want a PTSD review of anyone involved with Abu Ghraib or Guantanamo Bay). This page cites “Taunting and harassment by civilians” as a factor in producing PTSD in servicemembers, which is such a disgusting thing for a hostile, occupying force exporting death; destruction; and, not to forget, PTSD, worldwide.
PTSD has a significantly higher rate of occurrence in civilians in areas that are experiencing active conflict, and the VA page mentions Algeria, Cambodia, Gaza, and Ethiopia having between two-to-almost-five times the rate of occurrence in the civilian population of the United States. There is, of course, no mention of Libya, Iraq, or Afghanistan.
I find it highly offensive that this course uses the VA as a source of information we are expected to access, especially for a unit on PTSD. I am begrudgingly participating in this assignment, as the only reason I see to link the VA and PTSD is in a study on how many veterans choose to end their lives after serving. I would hope to see this changed for future classes, but I won’t hold my breath.