💾 Archived View for tilde.club › ~anthonyg › files › humor › mstings › Royal_and_Prime_Directives.tx… captured on 2022-07-16 at 15:42:44.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
[Opening Theme]
[SATELLITE OF LOVE - Mike is on the bridge, reading a copy of "Us"
Magazine with Jennifer Lopez on the cover (which is to say pretty much
any copy of "Us" Magazine). He is surrounded by Crow, Tom and Gypsy]
CROW: Please?
MIKE: No.
TOM: Please?
MIKE: No.
GYPSY: Pretty please?
MIKE: No. [looks up] Oh, hi all. Mike Nelson up here on the Satellite
of Love...
CROW: Yeah, Mike "Spoilsport" Nelson!
TOM: Mike "Stodgy Old Fart" Nelson!
GYPSY: Mike "Michael" Nelson!
MIKE: Look, I - huh? Well, never mind. Anyway, we all stayed up to watch
a movie marathon last night, and now the bots are being obsessive.
CROW: We're not obsessive, Mike, we just want to celebrate a little!
MIKE: I just don't think it'd be appropriate.
TOM: Oh, *now* he's worried about propriety!
CROW: C'mon, Nelson, it'll be a blast!
GYPSY: Yeah, let our funny flag fly high!
MIKE: I'd just feel - I dunno, kinda odd about it, is all!
CROW: Oh come on, where's that zany, fun-loving Mike Nelson who used to
hang out here, huh?
MIKE: [Wavering] Well-l-l-l...
GYPSY: Do it for Otis Driftwood!
MIKE: Otis Driftwood?
TOM: Do it for Dr. Hugo Z. Hackenbush!
MIKE: For Dr. Hackenbush.
CROW: Do it, Mike! Do it - for Captain Geoffrey T. Spaulding!
MIKE: [stands to attention] For CAPTAIN SPAULDING! Yes! Okay, I'll,
I'll do it, then!
CROW: That's the spirit, Mike!
GYPSY: Yeah!
TOM: Let's go!
[All sprint off. Then Mike returns.]
MIKE: Hello, we must be going. But we'll be right back. [taps light]
COMMERCIALS
1) Steven Spielberg presents "Taken" - over and over and over...
2) Bowflex - because who *doesn't* want to spend an obscene amount of money
on useless exercise equipment?
3) Use 1-800-CALL-ATT or we keep Carrot Top on the air! And don't think we
won't, cuz we will if you make us!
[SOL - The crew is now in high spirits (mostly). Mike's dressed in a long
swallowtail coat, with a pair of bushy eyebrows, glasses, a greasepaint
mustache and brandishing a huge cigar. Tom is all decked out in a tweed
jacket and a small, oddly-shaped hat. Gypsy sports a bright yellow-
orangish fright wig and battered top hat, with what looks like a bicycle
horn in her mouth. Crow is - well, Crow. And he's not happy about it.
For the balance of this host seg, Mike speaks with a Groucho Marx-like
voice, and Servo uses an exaggerated Italian accent, a la Chico Marx]
MIKE: So how much do you charge for not playing *and* not rehearsing?
TOM: Ah, you couldn't afford it.
GYPSY: *honk*
CROW: [shaking head] I still think I was robbed.
MIKE: Nonsense, my good man. We drew straws, fair and square. It's not
my fault you can't draw - even if you *are* fairly square.
CROW: It's still not - I mean, it was *my* idea in the first place!
MIKE: Look, it's all right here in the contract.
TOM: Hey, whatsa that clause right there?
MIKE: This part is the part that says you gotta be in your right mind to
do this. It's called the sanity clause.
TOM: The what?
MIKE: Oh, I shoulda stayed away from that one, I can see right now.
[Lights flash]
CROW: Uh-oh, brace yourselves, guys! It's Flywheel, Shyster & Flywheel.
MIKE: And two hard-boiled eggs.
GYPSY: *honk*
MIKE: Make that three hard-boiled eggs.
[Castle Forrester]
PEARL: Hello, Mike, I - [pause] What in the...
[SOL]
MIKE: Ah, Mrs. Rittenhouse! Say the secret woid and a duck'll fly down
and give you $50.
TOM: Yeah, but vhy a duck?
[CF]
PEARL: Huh? Listen, what're you clowns up to...
[SOL]
CROW: Oh, hi Pearl. It's kinda...
TOM: Sorry, lady, you can't come in unless you givea da password.
MIKE: Say, what *is* the password?
TOM: Aw, no! You gotta tell me. Hey, I tell you what I do. I give you
three guesses. It's the name of a fish.
MIKE: Is it Poil?
TOM: Ha-ha. That's-a no fish.
MIKE: She isn't? Well, she drinks like one
GYPSY: *honk*
[CF]
PEARL: Okay, what's the gag here? Art! Tell me what's going on!
[SOL]
CROW: Well, y'see...
MIKE: Art? Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is
water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries
and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than
rhubarb does.
CROW: Um, can you give us a second here, Rufus?
MIKE: Hpmh - I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head
with it.
CROW: Right. Basically, what's happened is we had a little Marx Brothers
Film Festival last night, so we decided to indulge ourselves a bit.
We all drew straws, so Mike is Groucho, Tom's Chico and Gypsy's
Harpo. And I - uh - I'm Zeppo.
[CF - Pearl has been joined by Observer and Bobo]
OBSERVER: Well, at least you're not Gummo. *snicker*
BOBO: Oh, I like gummo. Especially Juicy Fruit. It's just so...
PEARL: Pipe down, youse two! So, unauthorized film activity, eh?!? That
is *completely* unacceptable! Nelson, I demand that you...
[SOL]
MIKE: Ah, Poil! Can't you see what I'm trying to say, I love you! Meet me
tonight under the moon! Just think, when the moon is sneaking around
the clouds, I'll be sneaking around you! I can see it now - you and
the moon! You wear a necktie so I'll know it's you!
[Crow suddenly runs past, chased by Gypsy honking frantically]
CROW: AAAAH!! GYSPY, CUT IT OUT!
GYPSY: *honk**honk**honk**honk**honk*
[Both zoom offstage]
MIKE: That's the first time I ever saw a taxi chase a passenger.
[CF]
PEARL: Look, you cretins, I - Ooh! [stomps foot]
BOBO: Hey, I saw this on Turner Classics last night! It was funny!
PEARL: Shut up, monkey business! This is *not* funny!
OBSERVER: Let me try to reason with them, Madam. *ahem* Greetings,
gentlemen, I....
[SOL]
TOM: Hey, don't I know-a you?
[CF]
OBSERVER: Well, of course, I'm the Observer.
[SOL]
TOM: Nah, that ain't it. Hey, I got it! You're Brainy the fish guy!
You remember him, right?
GYPSY: *honk*
[CF]
OBSERVER: I most certainly am not! I am the nigh-omnipotent, nigh-
omniscient Observer, before whom you are all as amoebas!
BOBO: Amoebae.
OBSERVER: Whatever!
[SOL]
TOM: Nah nah, I remember you now - Brainy da fish guy. You used to
sell fish down at-a da pier.
GYPSY: *honk*
[CF]
OBSERVER: I did no such thing! I am - okay, one time, but...
[SOL]
TOM: Ay, I knew it, huh? You're Brainy da Fish Guy!
GYPSY: *honk*
[Tom prances about chanting "Brainy the Fish Guy" as Gypsy honks]
[CF]
OBSERVER: Now see here! I - you - oh dear.
PEARL: Okay, that's it, Nelstaff! I try and I try to make your existence
as dreary and unbearable as possible, and *this* is the thanks I get!
It's my own fault, I suppose - I simply haven't tried everything to
suck as much of the fun out of your lives as I can. Booboo - hand
me to it.
BOBO: Yes, Lawgiver. [hands Pearl a zip disk initialed "R&PD"]
PEARL: I was hoping to save this for a special occasion, but I think
you need to see it now. Do you know what this is?
[SOL]
CROW: Hmmm - "Rich & Poor Derivatives"?
MIKE: "Ritzy & Pretty Dames"?
TOM: Nah, datsa no good. It stands for "Left Handed Moths".
[Pause]
MIKE: Y'know, you've got the brain of a 4-year old boy, and I bet he
was glad to get rid of it.
[CF]
PEARL: [exasperated] No, you stale animal crackers! It's the latest
Marrissa story from none other than Stephen Ratliff!
[ SOL ]
MIKE: You expect that to frighten me? A man who's licked his weight in
wild caterpillars?
[ CF ]
PEARL: Look, can it, capisce?!? This story's called "Royal and Prime
Directives", and it has about as much to do with Star Trek as coat
hangers and JuJuBees!
BOBO: Oh, but there's lots of royalty in it, though.
PEARL: [smiles evilly] That's right - lots and lots and *lots* of
Royalty! So eat it, ya lousy Marxists!
[SOL]
MIKE: Ratliff, eh? This is an outrage! Jameson, take a letter to my
lawyers - Hungadunga, Hungadunga, Hungadunga, Hungadunga & McCormick!
CROW: [writing] Right. Hungadunga, Hungadunga, Hungadunga & McCormick.
MIKE: You let out a Hungadunga. The most important one, too.
[Lights flash]
TOM: Hey, never mind that now, boss! We gotsa da MOVIE SIGN!!!
[Gypsy continues honking furiously as chaos, doors, etc. ensues]
[6] {5} (4) <3> |2| O
[All enter - and are back to their normal voices]
TOM: Welp, Too bad our little psycho-drama didn't protect us from
Pearlikins.
MIKE: [removing Tom's little hat] Yeah, but at least we had our fun.
CROW: Easy for you to say, Nelson - next time, *you* get to be Zeppo!
>Path: sn-us!sn-xit-02!supernews.com!
CROW: Faster than a speeding flamewar!
MIKE: More powerful than a FAQmaster!
TOM: Able to leap huge binaries in a single bound!
> newsfeed.direct.ca!look.ca!
>newsfeed1.earthlink.net!newsfeed.earthlink.net!newsmaster1.prod.
>itd.earthlink.net!newsread2.prod.itd.earthlink.net.POSTED!
>not-for-mail
>From: Stephen Ratliff <stephenratliff@crosswinds.net>
TOM: Crosswinds, huh? That's nice, I guess, but... *sniff*
MIKE: Tom?
TOM: Sorry. *sniff* I just kinda miss the old Radford domain.
MIKE: You sentimentalist, you.
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW TNG Royal and Prime Directives
MIKE: Crown Royale and Prime Rib? Now *there's* a directive I can go for!
> (Marrissa Stories) 0/16
>Message-ID: <r3do0uk3s5ipbnqqk3glt6n2mobt180gjm@4ax.com>
>X-Newsreader: Forte Agent 1.8/32.548
>MIME-Version: 1.0
>Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii
>Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
>Lines: 40
CROW: Heeey, it's gonna be a *short* Marrissa story!
TOM: Yeah, *that'll* be the day!
>Date: Tue, 04 Dec 2001 02:47:28 GMT
>NNTP-Posting-Host: 216.80.217.245
>X-Complaints-To: abuse@earthlink.net
>X-Trace: newsread2.prod.itd.earthlink.net 1007434048 216.80.217.245
>(Mon, 03 Dec 2001 18:47:28 PST)
>NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 03 Dec 2001 18:47:28 PST
>Organization: EarthLink Inc. -- http://www.EarthLink.net
TOM: And just in case you missed it - EarthLink.
>X-Received-Date: Mon, 03 Dec 2001 18:47:22 PST (newsmaster1.prod.
>itd.earthlink.net)
>Xref: sn-us alt.startrek.creative:155263
>
>Title: Royal and Prime Directives
TOM: In England they call it a Royale Prime with...
MIKE: I think we've done that joke to death by now.
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Contact: stephen at trekiverse dot org
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories
>Part: NEW 1/16 Serialized Weekly
CROW: And satirized weakly.
>Rating: [PG]
>Summary: The Enterprise-E investigates a planet where a starship Captain
>who crashed 20 years ago has been ruling a small nation
>
CROW: [Marrissa] Hey, what's the deal, bub? *I'm* the only royal in
*this* Starfleet!
>Author's Notes:
>
CROW: [Stephen] Stop at dry cleaners. Call Susie for lunch. Set out
fresh Alpo for Scooter.
>It's been a while since I've had something new to post here.
TOM: All good things...
> My muse has
>been a little more rare since I got a job.
>
MIKE: [Stephen] The well-done ones gave me big time heartburn!
>The story you are about to read was orginally started in 1995.
TOM: "Orginally". 15 lines. Who wins the pool?
MIKE: [checking something] Hold on... Magic Voice.
MAGIC VOICE: Boo-yah!
> It's gone
>through many changes, since that time,
CROW: Originally, it was about a 75-year old Wal-Mart greeter named Zeke
and his wise-cracking pet llama, Chester.
> and finally it's ready for you to
>read it.
MIKE: [Stephen] I finally figured out a way to deliver electric shocks
over the Internet!
> At present, the end of the story is not quite ready, but that's
>not a problem.
>
TOM: [Stephen] I plan to have a truck run over everyone at the end.
>You see, I'm a frim believer in serialization.
CROW: New Frim cereal - now with extra fiber for extra-ASC action!
> Royal and Prime Directives
>will be coming to you, one part, one chapter, a week, just like the other
>of my stories have come to you.
MIKE: Thus making our every waking moment a living nightmare on a
*regular* basis.
> Every month there will be a repost of
>previous chapters, as well.
TOM: Now there's something to look forward to in your mailbox.
> I may speed up or slow down the posting, based
>on demand, and my muse.
[Crow does speeded-up tape player noises]
> My muse may also render that part number wrong,
TOM: His parts supplier is relabeling everything in the catalog.
>but I don't think so, at the moment.
>
CROW: So Ratliff's muse is responsible for all the errors in his stories?
MIKE: I don't think that's possible for just one muse.
>For those of you who haven't read my works,
CROW: Count your blessings.
> that shouldn't be a problem for
>the most part with this story, but if you are curious about just how
>Marrissa got to where she is in the beginning of this story, you can check
>out:
>
>http://www.crosswinds.net/~stephenratliff
>
TOM: The shrine of evil.
CROW: Alternatively, you could poke your eyes out with a
knitting needle.
>I, as always eagerly await feedback, of all types.
>
MIKE: [Ratliff] Even from those three guys up in the space station.
>Stephen
>--
>Stephen Ratliff
>
>"But let him Dream" - Robert Picard, TNG's "Family
>
MIKE: SNORRRRRRRRE!!
TOM: Pheeeeeeeeew!!
CROW: Eebeebeebeebeebeeb!!
>Path: sn-us!sn-xit-03!supernews.com!nntp.cs.ubc.ca!newsfeed.direct.ca!
>look.ca!newsfeed1.earthlink.net!newsfeed.earthlink.net!
>newsmaster1.prod.itd.earthlink.net!newsread2.prod.itd.earthlink.net.
>POSTED!not-for-mail
>From: Stephen Ratliff <stephenratliff@crosswinds.net>
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW TNG Royal and Prime Directives(Marrissa Stories) 1/16
>Message-ID: <sqco0uk5dksp0vmgfrmvcpniubgh1mthfo@4ax.com>
>X-Newsreader: Forte Agent 1.8/32.548
TOM: Now *that's* an irregular fraction!
CROW: 0.05530293...
TOM: Oh, don't be a show-off!
>MIME-Version: 1.0
>Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii
>Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
>Lines: 83
>Date: Tue, 04 Dec 2001 02:47:23 GMT
>NNTP-Posting-Host: 216.80.217.245
>X-Complaints-To: abuse@earthlink.net
>X-Trace: newsread2.prod.itd.earthlink.net 1007434043 216.80.217.245 (Mon,
>03 Dec 2001 18:47:23 PST)
>NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 03 Dec 2001 18:47:23 PST
>Organization: EarthLink Inc. -- http://www.EarthLink.net
>X-Received-Date: Mon, 03 Dec 2001 18:47:17 PST
>(newsmaster1.prod.itd.earthlink.net)
>Xref: sn-us alt.startrek.creative:155262
>
>Title: Royal and Prime Directives
MIKE: First Directive: Enforce the law.
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Contact: stephen at trekiverse dot org
TOM: The spamproofing! It's impenetrable!
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories
>Part: NEW 1/16 Serialized Weekly
>Rating: [PG]
>Summary: The Enterprise-E investigates a planet
CROW: Yep, it's a planet. The End.
> where a starship Captain
>who crashed 20 years ago has been ruling a small nation
>
>Prologue
>
> It had become deathly still in Enterprise-E's bar.
MIKE: Someone had ordered an Old Milwaukee. Willingly.
TOM: Plus Data was doing stand up again.
> The bar had
>been full of activity. Everyone was still there,
TOM: o/` Closing time - you don't have to go home but you can't stay
here. o/`
> but they were all staring
>at Lieutenant Ferguson Calgary
MIKE: And his roommate, Ensign McGillicudy Saskatoon.
> and Lieutenant Marrissa Picard.
TOM: A.K.A. The Devil You Know".
> Lieutenant
>Calgary was La Forge's new second assistant. Picard was the Chief of
>Security.
CROW: And me? I'm just your friendly omniscient narrator. Have a good
evening, folks.
> As for why they were being stared at, that was Calgary's fault.
TOM: She'd told him tutus weren't considered proper Starfleet attire.
>He had just insulted Picard by questioning her right to hold her position,
MIKE: Memorial services will be Thursday at 4:00 PM in the ship's chapel.
>insinuating that she had got the position because her father was Captain.
CROW: Sleeping her way to the t- wait that doesn't apply here.
TOM: He's wrong of course. She got it due to deus ex braindeath on
Starfleet's part.
>But that was not why Marrissa was mad at him.
CROW: [Marrissa] I so can't believe you didn't get me *squat* for my
birthday!!
MIKE: [Calgary] But you said I shouldn't buy you anything!
CROW: [Marrissa] And you didn't! How *dare* you?!?
> " Don't call me that.
MIKE: [Marrissa] Call me Ishmael!
> My name is Marrissa Amber Picard. My title
>is Princess. My rank is Lieutenant. My job is Chief of Security,"
MIKE: [Marrissa] My favorite color is blue.
TOM: [Marrissa] My broker is E.F. Hutton.
CROW: [Marrissa] My turn-ons are Mozart, long walks on the beach and
conquering aliens.
>Marrissa began, standing up from her seat. "I'd appreciate it if you would
>call me by any name or title that I am entitled to use instead of Risa"
CROW: A Marrissa story by any other name would still bore me to death.
> "Oh the poor little baroness can't stand a nickname," Calgary
>sneered back.
MIKE: Wow! He *is* taking his life in his hands, isn't he?
TOM: Yeah, sure. By the end of this, he'll either be dead or Marrissa's
newest boot-licking sycophant.
> "If you're going for royal titles, it's Princess," Marrissa
>responded.
TOM: [Marrissa] As in, "Off with his head!" Get it, Montreal?
CROW: [Calgary] Calgary.
TOM: [Marrissa] Whatever.
> "Oh I'm not, Miss Ensign."
> "Lieutenant."
TOM: When they get to Commander, sell!
> "I stand corrected, Miss Insecurity."
CROW: Y'know, even granted that it's Marrissa, it's still probably not real
smart to go out of your way to antagonize the security chief.
MIKE: [Marrissa] What's that, Fergie? Trapped by J'Em Hadar Troops? Don't
worry, I'll send down a rescue squad - just as soon as I finish all
of last month's paperwork! BWHAHAHAHAH!!!!
> "I don't have to listen to this."
TOM: [grumbles] Yeah, but we do...
> "No, you don't," Calgary shot back. "You can go hide behind those
>titles of yours. Tell me Risa, is their anything under them?"
[All sigh]
MIKE: And there we go.
CROW: Or their we go.
TOM: Or even they're we go.
> Marrissa glared at Calgary.
MIKE: The sprawling Canadian city will soon be drenched in strawberry juice.
> She raised her hand as if she was
>going to slap him,
CROW: Suddenly a hockey game breaks out!
> but apparently decided against it.
MIKE: Instead reaching for her trusty phaser.
> Marrissa turned away
>and walked out of the bar.
TOM: Thus nullifying the joke.
> From over on the other side of the bar, Commander William T. Riker
>moved out of the shadows.
CROW: [Kosh] Riker has always been here.
> "Mr. Calgary, you've got some explaining to
>do..."
>
CROW: [Lucy] But Riker, waaaaaaaah!!
> Marrissa sat in her room lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling.
MIKE: [Marrissa] When did I get mirrors installed up there?
CROW: [Marrissa] And what's that "fap fap fap" sound I keep hearing?
>She had been unable to get Calgary's last words out of her mind.
TOM: [Calgary] Straw... berry... fields...
> Was there
>nothing to her without her titles?
MIKE: Well, there's her obsession with strawberries.
TOM: And let's not forget her fantastic piano playing.
CROW: Plus, there's her browbeating of Jay Gordon. That'll get you up
in the morning.
> Lately, it seemed like that was true. She did nothing but work.
CROW: It's called a "job", Marrissa - look into it!
TOM: [Mel Brooks] Work, work, work, work, work, work!
>She hadn't had any time off since she had boarded the Enterprise-E, some
>three months ago.
MIKE: Please - don't talk to *me* about bad work experiences.
> Her off duty hours were filled with classes and Kid's Crew
>business.
TOM: And destroying alien races, brokering peace treaties, quashing
mutinies! Oh! And decoupage!
> In fact that night had been the first time she had gotten to the
>Enterprise-E's bar.
MIKE: And now she was sloshed out of her skull.
> Marrissa couldn't remember doing something not associated with her
>jobs since she had become Chief of Security.
CROW: Hey, after all she drank tonight, she's lucky she remembered where
her quarters were!
> All the other senior officers
>had spare time to do other things, why didn't she?
>
TOM: [Marrissa] *Sigh* Man, building an evil empire is such a drag!
> Prince Avery,
CROW: *Tex* Avery.
MIKE: And his consort, Red Hot Princess Hood!
TOM: *A-wooooooooooo!*
> son of King Robert of Ellosia, was riding among the
>fields of Suppor.
MIKE: He had already passed the meadows of Lonch and the glades of
Breakfost.
> They were part of the Earldom which he held title to, as
>heir to the throne, not that the job meant much.
CROW: Oh! They're British royalty!
> His father always told
>him that there would be a time when he'd wish he still was just the heir.
MIKE: It's the Frank Sinatra Jr. Story.
>As Avery saw it, being Crown Prince had very little to recommend it.
CROW: Apart from the life of comfortable luxury, the foxy royal babes-
in-waiting and wanting for nothing, being Crown Prince sucks.
> He
>was expected to know everything his father knew, but could do nothing about
>it. He had no choice in his eventual bride.
MIKE: Although ABC did give him some roses to hand out.
> Though he preferred the oldest daughter of the Duchess of
>Castrome.
TOM: He wants Castro's eldest daughter? Man, is he messed up!
> Unfortunately, the thirteen-year-old Lady was not considered
>high on the list for the sixteen-year-old Prince.
CROW: But his cousin, Prince Jerry Lee, was all over her.
> The Duchess had little
>influence in court, while the other Dukes, who had been around since his
>Father took the throne, did.
MIKE: Especially that up-and-coming Sir Edmund Blackadder.
> The Dukes were putting forward various
>foreign Princesses.
CROW: [Waylon] Yep, them Duke boys was at it again - this time they'd
tricked Sheriff Coltrane into marrying old Lucretia Dalrymple.
> The Duke of Armedge had suggested Princess Clotilda
MIKE: Note to all future royalty: avoid giving your princesses names that
start with "clot".
>of Janvart, a hulk of a woman
TOM: HULK SMASH PUNY PRINCE!!!
> who some said slept in full armor.
MIKE: I hope she doesn't *swim* in full armor
> The Duke of
>Avtra was always spouting the merits of Princess Fay of Grimall.
TOM: As well as emphasizing her vast real estate holdings.
> Avery had
>met Princess Fay, during a peace negotiation a couple years back.
CROW: They were settling some ... hundred year ... war of the rose ...
bushes or something. Doesn't matter what.
> The
>fragile health of the tiny little girl would never survive the sea voyage
>across the straights of Astra,
TOM: This reads like "How The Grinch Stole Royalty"!
> much less the month long journey from her
>home, besides, she was too quiet for his tastes.
MIKE: He preferred them loud, brassy, and obnoxious.
CROW: [Avery] I'd let her risk a horrible death at sea, but she's too
quiet!
> The Duke of Fasstime
ALL: Aloha, Duke Hand!
>was set on Avery's marriage to Queen Kaitlin of Dinath.
TOM: So we know who's in the Kaitlin with Dinath.
MIKE: Wow. An exposition sequence combined with a introduction sequence.
I think Ratliff's hit a new personal high.
> The match with someone
>three times his age
CROW: Charles Nelson Reilly - but it's enough for a win.
> was not something he wanted to dwell on.
TOM: This is diverting and all, but why've we been dropped into the middle
of "Ivanhoe" all of a sudden?
MIKE: *sigh* I have a feeling we'll find out before long.
> There were times when Avery wished his father had never chosen to
>take the throne. Avery sighed, it wasn't likely that another starship
>would crash and her crew take over.
MIKE: Really? Why not?
CROW: Yeah, it's standard Trek plot #114.
> He looked up to see the first star of
>the night rising ...
CROW: Sandra Bullock's flying lessons are paying off.
> it was time to head back to Odyssey
>
TOM: We've got the backstory, now, run! Run like the wind!
>--
>Stephen Ratliff
>
>"But let him Dream" - Robert Picard, TNG's "Family"
>
CROW: He had a dream.
TOM: He had an *awesome* dream.
>From ???@0x000060FC Mon Dec 10 17:56:29 2001
>From: Stephen Ratliff <stephenratliff@crosswinds.net>
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW TNG Royal and Prime Directives 2/16 [PG] (Marrissa Stories)
>Message-ID: <jc6a1ukg0n0vffh9s003qm4d9shp0cq3qc@4ax.com>
>X-Newsreader: Forte Agent 1.8/32.548
TOM: FORTE AGENT ONE POINT EIGHT BACKSLASH THREE TWO POINT FIVE
FOUR EIGHT!!!
MIKE: Ow!
TOM: See, cause forte means loud.
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MIKE: Hey, I think that's the title of a Yes album!
>Status: N
>
>Title: Royal and Prime Directives
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Contact: stephen at trekiverse dot org
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories
>Part: NEW 2/16
CROW: That's 1/8 in lowest terms.
> Serialized Weekly
TOM: For your protection.
>Rating: [PG]
>Summary: The Enterprise-E investigates a planet where a starship Captain
>who crashed 20 years ago has been ruling a small nation
>
TOM: And is vanquished with ridiculous ease by the crew of Voyager.
CROW: So what else is new?
>Chapter One: Tavern
>
TOM: Immediately followed by "Chapter Two: Drunktank".
> Captain Picard took a deep breath as he entered the tavern.
MIKE: [Picard] Mmmm, fresh-baked cookies.
>Ah, the smell of the local ale.
CROW: It reminded him of wet Tellarites on a muggy summer day.
> It had been thirty years since he had been in
>the Lonely Dragon.
MIKE: The statute of limitation expired the moment he stepped in!
> The town of Alripor
TOM: Huh? The town of Al Roker?
> was literally light-years off
>ship's usual station.
CROW: But somehow less than 12 parsecs if you're in the Millennium Falcon.
> It was nice to see that some things stayed the same.
TOM: His hairline...
MIKE: Stinky French cheese...
CROW: Rick Berman's insatiable moneylust...
> True, the
>barkeeper's hair was no longer sandy brown,
CROW: He was shaved bald, and wearing a jacket made of hemp.
> and the signs of wear were more
>evident along the edge of the bar.
TOM: Although some of the dents fit the foreheads of the people he knew!
> Most of the patrons were unfamiliar to
>Picard, but it had been quite sometime. There was an old sea captain,
CROW: Arrrh, Jim lad!
>a young man with a young woman on his lap,
MIKE: Or it could have been a young woman with a man on her lap. Picard
decided he was better off not knowing.
> a man in an old ducal tunic,
TOM: It was made of duckskin?
CROW: It rubs the lotion on its feathers...
>and a couple men who were quite drunk.
MIKE: Then there was Paul the real estate novelist who never had time for
a wife. He's talking with Davy who's still in the Navy and probably
will be for life.
> "Ah Captain, it's been some time since this establishment has seen
>your like," the barkeep said.
CROW: [Barkeep] Someone who's had a bath this year!
> "Twenty-two years, I believe," Picard said. "I decided to return
>to sail the seas of my youth for the last year before I retire."
MIKE: Translation - Sad old man trolling for young tail.
> "Old Captains never retire, they go down with their ship!" a old
>seaman in the corner shouted.
CROW: [Picard] So what are you doing here, then?
TOM: [seaman] Um... shore leave?
> "It's a harsh life on the sea, and only a couple men survive on the
>Stargazer since the last time I set foot in Alripor," the Captain
>acknowledged.
MIKE: [Picard] I killed the rest myself. Shame really, but someone had to.
> "Times change.
TOM: And newspapers evolve.
> I figure I'll retire while I still have my
>health.
MIKE: [Picard] Funny, my - my arm is numb. I - it - *thunk*
> Then I'll settle down in my family's village up in the high valley
>below the Double Peaks."
CROW: [Picard] I've bought a house just below the Great Northern Hotel, and
I've met a lovely girl named Laura Palmer.
> "You won't last away from the sea," the old seaman said. "I've
>plied the coves and seas around this isle for half a century,
MIKE: And still you don't have a job.
> and I've yet
>to see a old seaman who could stay away from the sea."
CROW: [Picard] I repeat: what are you doing here, then?
TOM: [seaman] Look, can't a guy have a holiday once in a while?
> "'It is a wild call, a clear call,
MIKE: A 1-800-COLLECT call!
> which can not be denied,'"
>Picard quoted.
MIKE: But enough about becoming a Rescue Ranger.
> "True, so true, it's a story that we never want to end," the old
>seaman remarked.
ALL: Unlike this one.
> "Speaking of tales, I hear there is an interesting one regarding
>how this land received it's current king," the Captain said. "Perhaps you
>know the tale."
CROW: Good segue, Jean-Luc!
TOM: He's got all the subtlety of a Joint Congressional Inquiry.
> "Old Giles knows it, he was there," the barkeeper said.
MIKE: [Giles] Was not!
CROW: [Barkeep] Was so!
MIKE: [Giles] Big fat liar!
CROW: [Barkeep] Scurvy little snitch!
> "Aye," the sea captain said. "I know the tale."
TOM: [Captain] 'Tis the tale of a fateful trip! It started from this
tropic port...
> "Barkeep, a round on me, while Giles tells his tale," Picard said.
CROW: [Giles] Yes, you see I was assisting my charge, the Slayer, in our
investigation of an undead ice cream truck driver...
> "It was twenty years ago last Spring.
MIKE: Sgt. Pepper taught the band to swing!
> I was working as First Mate
>on the fishing vessel Herold's Hawk
CROW: Starring Bruce Willis and Danny Aiello!
> out of the village of Bluepor,"
TOM: And its neighboring town, Praktikal Joak.
>Giles began his tale.
> "Hey, last time you said you were Second Mate," a young man with a
>day's growth of beard said from his seat beside a blonde lass.
MIKE: [Young man] And you were wearing a full body cast. And it was
sleeting. And you had to walk to school uphill both ways. And the
fish was ten feet long.
> "And the time before that, Third," the blonde said.
CROW: And before that, he was the ship's purser, Gopher.
> "Okay, I was just a Midshipman," Giles said. "Any way ..."
TOM: [Giles] But we had Staubach back in those days!
> It wasn't a big ship,
CROW: It's all in how you use it.
> just a single mast and only 50 yards long,
>but the late Captain Mallard,
[All make quacking noises]
> God rest his kind soul, paid well.
MIKE: [Giles] In fact, I still don't know why we stripped him naked,
tied him to the anchor, and tossed him overboard!
> We were
>just about to enter Sapphire Bay, when we first heard it.
>
TOM: [Giles] It was horrible! A terrible screech powerful enough to
jostle the very corners of Hell itself!
MIKE: [Picard] It wasn't by any chance a group called Genesis, was it?
TOM: [Giles] Yes, how'd you know?
> It came from the sky.
TOM: IN MONSTER-RAMA 3-D!
CROW: AND THUNDERSOUND!
> A white marble stone, shaped like two dinner
>plates placed so their bottoms faced out wards, was descending from the
>sky.
MIKE: And mashed potatoes and peas and applesauce were leaking out from
the middle, I mean, it was just gross!
> It made a ear splitting roar as it skipped like a stone on thrown
>across a pond.
TOM: From the sky.
> I spun the wheel, to avoid the object as it impacted the
>water, making another hop into the bay.
CROW: From the sky.
MIKE: Cut that out!
> The Herold's Hawk was pushed back,
>on to the rocks
MIKE: That ain't no big surprise.
CROW: Yeah, just pour me a drink and I'll tell you some lies.
> on the east side of the entrance to the bay.
TOM: Hey, do you mind? We're saving this spot for the Mayflower.
> Only the
>extraordinary swell created by the saucer's bounce saved us from being
>hulled by the rocks.
CROW: Yeah, I think Popeye was saved by that trick once.
> After a brief check to make sure that we weren't leaking,
MIKE: [Giles] Thanks to the wonders of Depends...
> Captain
>Mallard ordered us to sail for the town of Sappor, at the back of the bay.
TOM: Translation - Beat cheeks!
>The Captain feared, rightly it turns out, that the object we had just
>avoided was headed towards the town.
TOM: Didn't I read this in Watchmen?
> Now Sappor at the time was one of the largest of our towns, just
>short of becoming a city.
CROW: [Giles] Of course, you'd know that, being from this planet and all.
> It was known as resort, its baths being renown
>for their healing purposes.
MIKE: Not to mention their scrubbing bubbles.
CROW: They work hard so you don't have toooooooooo.
> For years, Kings have maintained a castle on
>the harbor there,
TOM: After centuries of trying it the other way around.
> as sort of a retreat from the business of court, which
>use to be set in the city of Vestra.
CROW: [Giles] But, again, a native of this planet would know that, so why
am I even explaining it to you?
> It had been the custom of King
>Ferral,
MIKE: King *Will* Ferral.
TOM: He entertained the court with his Dubya impression.
> the ninth of that name, to spend the winter and early part of
>spring in Sappor, and he was residing in the Castle, along with all the
>royal family at the time.
TOM: Hey, Giles? Signal when you get near a point!
> When the town of Sappor appeared, we were shocked. The harbor
>was gone. The Castle was gone.
MIKE: The Costco Warehouse Store was gone. The Jiffy Lube was gone. All
85 Starbucks were gone.
> The only buildings left standing were the
>old Grey Eagle Inn, which was on the east end of town, and the Church of
>Our Lady of the Sea on the west end of town.
CROW: Somebody call in Secret Squirrel! *And* Atom Ant! Hurry!
> Between the two was the large
>saucer which had embedded itself where the harbor use to be, extending back
>to the old edge of town.
CROW: Sounds like "Alien Nation".
TOM: Nah, more like "Haven" to me.
MIKE: You guys really scare me sometimes.
> Around it's edges were the crushed remains of the
>town of Sappor.
>
MIKE: Yeah, we gathered. Thanks.
> At that, the man in the tattered ducal tunic interrupted. "It
>wasn't damaged that bad.
CROW: Ah, Spokesman for the Sappor Realtors Commission here.
> I visited the town a month after the disaster,
>and there were plenty of houses standing."
>
> "Whose telling this story?"
TOM: The Stephen Ratliff Motto.
> Giles said, gesturing with his glass of
>ale.
CROW: So, it's the booze talking?
> After a moment's silence, he took up the tale again.
>
TOM: And Cecil B. DeMillertime continues...
> After staring at the remains for what seamed like an eternity,
>Captain Mallard
CROW: ...Put on a cape and shouted "I am the terror that flaps in the night!"
> decided to send a boat to look for survivors and lend any
>aid. We went armed with our swords,
MIKE: They're going to *kill* the survivors? I fail to see how that helps.
> as we had no idea where this saucer
>had come from.
TOM: Gee, you don't think *the sky* would be a safe bet, do ya?
> I was on the first boat, and it was when we came ashore on the west
>side of the saucer that I met the lady who would become our Queen.
CROW: I asked myself, "Is this a real life? Is this just fantasy?"
> She was
>dressed in a strange blue and black outfit and was leading a group of five
>people in freeing a young girl from the wreckage of a house.
CROW: Caught in a landslide, no escape from...
TOM: Shut up!
> Queen Claire was a Doctor,
ALL: Not a bricklayer.
> apparently from the vessel which had
>crashed into Sappor. As we worked to free the young girl, and others, I
>learnt many things from watching her and her fellow crewmates.
TOM: Too bad how to tell a shorter story wasn't one of them.
> The ship
>was called the Odyssey, after a famous voyage in their homeland, which lies
>far beyond the stars.
MIKE: Produced by Roger Corman.
> They claimed that their ship was damaged and they
>had no choice but to make a crash landing.
CROW: And being rock stupid, you accepted that without question.
> All that day we spent freeing people.
TOM: They're with Amnesty Interstellar.
> At nightfall, the crew of
>the Odyssey retired their vessel,
MIKE: They gave it a dinner, a gold watch and a couple of wheelbarrows full
of Enron stock.
> which was nearly completely intact save
>for some damage from the rear and some forward windows which had been
>knocked out.
CROW: I call no way! The Enterprise-D was Galaxy-class ship, and its
saucer was trashed by crashing into a field!
TOM: Yeah, but the Enterprise-E rammed a great big huge giant Reman
warship with just paint scratches!
MIKE: Say what you want about Starfleet - they're constantly improving
their shock absorber technology.
> I and my crew mates returned to the ship.
CROW: And the townspeople returned to the piles of their houses and waited
for dysentery, cholera, and typhoid to set in.
> The next morning, a rider was spotted, heading towards town on the
>old road from Vestra. He was proceeding at a rather fast pace,
MIKE: Hey, fella, watch out for that gigantic wrecked...
TOM: *whumpf*
MIKE: ...starship.
> and I was
>surprised that he got as far as he did before he stopped his horse to gape
>at the ruins.
CROW: Hmph! Medieval rubbernecking!
MIKE: Take a lithograph! It'll last longer!
> The rider was wearing the insignia of the household of the
>King, apparently returning with some urgent message.
TOM: "Royal astronomers warn falling stars, evacuate Sappor soonest
possible"... uh-oh.
> After a moments
>pause, he resumed his journey.
CROW: [Messenger] Hm. The town's a smoking pit, and there's a giant
Frisbee where the palace used to be. No problem!
> It was around noon when the rider reached
>the Grey Eagle Inn.
CROW: Named for its owner, Sam the Eagle.
> The rider demanded to speak to who was in charge, it was then that
>the man in red and black made his presence known.
CROW: It's Santa Cash!
> He was a tall strong
>man.
MIKE: [Giles, dreamily] His arm muscles glistening with sweat. His strong,
firm thighs outlined by his riding tights. [Starts giggling]
> Strapped to his side was a saber, which glimmered as if it had never
>been used.
TOM: If Ratliff brings Mackenzie Calhoun into this, I will give him *such*
a pinch!
> "I guess that's me," the man said.
MIKE: [Giles] I'm withholding his name to heighten the suspense of it all.
> "I'm Captain Richard York
>of the Odyssey.
CROW: Intergalactic Studmuffin!
> That's my ship that crashed into this town, and I guess
>it's my job to clean up the mess.
MIKE: [York] I guess. Why do I always get the hard work? First I have
to load the dishwasher and now this!
> It was then that Captain York learnt the extent of the problem.
>King Ferrel was dead.
ALL: Gasp!
CROW: We'll never hear his Neil Diamond imitation again!
> His whole family was dead.
MIKE: All the royal pets: dead.
CROW: Wormer - dead. Neidermeyer - dead.
TOM: Heck, the whole world was dead! It's George Romero's King of the Dead!
> To make matters worse,
TOM: There was a fresh load of kittens in the castle that day.
> the four Dukes of the Kingdom were all one
>step from warring with each other.
CROW: And that step would be actually declaring war.
> In fact, the rider had just come from
>Laville where the Duke of Castrome
MIKE: The Duke was a bearded commie in a tinpot military uniform.
TOM: Great - the whole thing's a botched CIA operation!
> had forbidden any of the Duke of Astra's
>retainers from entering his Dukedom under pain of death.
TOM: Aw, but he spent ages polishing the upholstery!
> Now it looked
>like there would be civil war, because King Ferrel had always solved these
>problems
MIKE: Agh, what a bunch of wusses!
TOM: Car broken down? Call King Ferrel!
CROW: King Ferrel - the Mr. Fixit of the Kingdom.
> and now he was gone, so it would be even worse than before.
CROW: Yes, a civil war would definitely count as "worse than before".
> Captain York had an unreadable expression during the rider's
>explanations.
MIKE: Mainly, it was boredom.
> He then began asking questions. He asked about the Dukes.
>He asked about other nobles. He asked about alliances.
CROW: He asked about prime-time TV schedules.
MIKE: He asked about our local cheeses.
CROW: He asked why the sky was blue, and what was Vietnam, and
about a tree falling in an empty forest, and...
> Within an hour,
>he had picked our brains clean of any knowledge we had about the situation.
MIKE: [Giles] Basically, he left us a bunch of drooling morons.
> Finally, asked for someone who could write for him, and dictated a
>message.
CROW: [York] "Dear mom, have crashed on feudal planet, will be taking over
soonest, don't hold supper. Love, Ricky."
> He asked all four dukes to come to Sappor in four days. He
>signed it, the King, just that, nothing else.
TOM: Immediately, hordes of crazed Elvis fans crowded into the city.
> Then having four copies
>made, he had the rider pick three new riders and sent them off.
MIKE: It's an intergalactic chain letter.
> The next four days where spent with the Crew of the Odyssey
CROW: Where Crew?
MIKE: There Crew. There pips. There wolf.
TOM: *sigh* Sometimes, it's just too easy.
>clearing up the remains of the town of Sappor.
TOM: Great, they're obsessive-compulsive emergency medical technicians.
> By the time the Dukes
>arrived,
CROW: [Waylon] ...Boss Hogg was hopping mad, cuz they'd stolen all his
moonshine.
> all the wooden rubble had been cleared and some of the stone.
>They also had staked out the layout for what was to come the new city of
>Odyssey.
TOM: And the contractor had already told them they were over budget and
behind schedule.
> The four Dukes arrived with their usual large companies of
>soldiers. Each came in the company of a dozen knights and three dozen men.
MIKE: This is going to be an awkward doo-wop group.
>They each had a squire and page for each knight, a couple personal
>ministers, and a priest.
TOM: Given all this, how many knights, men, squires, pages, ministers
and priests did I meet on the way to St. Ives?
> The Duke of Fasstime brought his pet cat.
CROW: [Spicoli] Dude! That was my cat! I'm *so* wasted!
>The Duke of Castrome was accompanied by his daughter.
MIKE: Meadow Castrome.
CROW: Next up, a Duke and a Dame!
> The Duke of Avtra had
>his speaking bird which spoke more than the Duke.
CROW: And now, "Silent Cal" Avtra and his pretty birdie!
> The Duke of Armedge
>played his flute as his men marched to the cadence of his drummer.
CROW: And finally, Duke Future Embarrassing Scandal!
TOM: Let's give them all a big hand, they're here to bemuse us all until
such time as they get out of the story!
> They each were met by a man dressed in the King's livery, who lead
>them to camps situated away from the town, where tents bearing their arms
>were pitched.
MIKE: And where they could be executed in a neat, orderly fashion.
> The next day, they were summoned into the Odyssey.
TOM: How did they get into a book?
MIKE: They used Gumby technology.
> I don't
>know what was said in that meeting, only the Dukes do,
CROW: [Waylon] They wouldn't even tell ol' Cooter down at the garage.
> but I do know that
>they left the Odyssey changed.
TOM: [York] Screw the Prime Directive! Break out the mind sifter!
> Since then not a single incident has
>occurred between the dukes.
CROW: [Waylon] Yessir, the ol' Duke boys are nice an' peaceable now.
MIKE: I think we get it, Crow.
CROW: Not yet you don't. It has to be made *clear*!
> Upon the Dukes' return to their castles, they
>proclaimed Captain York, King Richard I of Ellosia..
MIKE: [Giles] Now let me tell you about the first year of his reign...
> Since then he has built up our navy, defended our shores from
>attack, and ruled us well.
>
TOM: [Giles] And, uh, he hasn't been struck down by a bolt from the sky
either, so that's another big bonus.
> "Surely there is more to the story than that,"Captain Picard said.
TOM: God, please, no!
MIKE: I think Stevie's been taking narration lessons from Pete.
>"You just don't lock yourself into a room and hope that an agreement will
>come,
TOM: Of course not. You lock the *other* guys in a room and wait for them
to agree.
> although I have heard of that technic working a time or two."
CROW: Got a problem? Legos will solve it!
MIKE: That's "Technix" Tom.
TOM: Oh! Never mind.
> The man in the ducal tunic raised his cup. "I was there when the
>Dukes met our current King," he said. I was once known as Lord Byron,
CROW: Oh, and have I mentioned that you walk in beauty like the night?
>the late Duke Carlisle of Castrome's Chamberlain.
MIKE: Try saying that four times fast with a spoon full of spinach.
> For another round, I'll tell
>you the sad tale of that meeting."
CROW: [Byron] *Two* more rounds and I'll give you the happy version!
MIKE: [Byron] *Three* more and I'll tell the story in the style of
a 50's radio program!
> "Barkeep, another round for Byron and my friends," Captain Picard
>said, raising his cup to clink with Byron's, sealing the deal.
>
CROW: Six hours later.
MIKE: [Loud and drunk] So there we were *HAW HAW*, tying the duke naked
to a goat!
> Duke Carlisle was a gaunt man in his mid fifties at the time of
>our King's ascension to the throne. He was engaged in an ongoing feud with
>Murdock,
TOM: The Duke Who Knows No Fear.
> who is still Duke of Avtra over Janna Bay and the town of Janna.
CROW: A town designed to fit well with the Name Game song.
TOM: So, he's Duke of a town and some water.
MIKE: Yep.
TOM: We're in Hell, aren't we?
MIKE: Yep.
>The Duke was tending to his estate at Castrome Cross when the royal
>messenger reached him, requesting his immediate appearance at Sappor.
MIKE: They have to get to Sappor before the food all cools off.
> The
>Duke was rather worried when he received the message. You see, he'd just
>finished a little raiding on Fort Janna, which overlooked Janna Bay and was
>manned by Murdock's men.
TOM: Fort Janna, protecting Janna City on Janna Bay. *Somebody* was up
all night thinking up the geography.
> But the late King Ferrel was not one who you
>disobeyed so blatantly.
TOM: But apparently you could kill him with little or no repercussion.
CROW: Laws are laws.
> A little raiding on a fellow Duke was easily
>ignored,
CROW: [Waylon] Except that one time Uncle Jesse caught Luke going through
Daisy's clothes closet! Boy howdy!
> but when the King summoned you, you came.
TOM: Looting and pillaging? Eh, that's small stuff! But you damn well
better be punctual!
> The Duke left the next morning with myself and his daughter,
>Desiree, in the company of about forty men.
MIKE: [Byron] Let's just say Desiree was... popular... and leave it at that.
> His advisers had argued
>against bringing Desiree, but the Duke loved his daughter and could not
>deny her request to come with him to Sappor's famous baths.
CROW: Ohhh ho ho! I smell a steamy bath scene coming up!
> I had remained
>silent, so I was the only advisor to go.
TOM: Once again, brown-nosing practice pays off big-time.
> The Duke had a low tolerance for
>disagreement when it came to requests from his daughter.
CROW: Being a spineless wimp and all.
MIKE: [Byron] Of course, in his defense, Desiree had a killer Kobayashi
Maru time.
> It was early on the second day when Sappor came into view. We were
>all shocked.
TOM: [Byron] None of us had expected "Spin City" to be canceled, and
we forgot to tape the season finale.
> The town was smashed beneath a large upside down ivory
>colored saucer.
CROW: Yeah. We covered this part. Get on with it!
> As we stood there and took in the view in the early
>morning, the Captain of the Duke's guard pulled out his scope.
MIKE: Just because it's the end of the world is no excuse for bad breath.
> He handed
>the scope to the Duke, pointing to the center of the saucer. The Ellosian
>Royal Standard was flying from a pole on the highest point of the saucer.
TOM: It may look bad, but at least Fort McHenry's held.
> Duke Carlisle took it all in stride. "I see the King has changed
>his castle," he said. "Some deal with some magician I'd imagine. Well, we
>haven't all day. Onward!"
CROW: They're sure hard to impress, aren't they?
MIKE: [Duke] The sun's turned blood red, you say? Just swamp gas. Now keep
moving!
> When we arrived at the edge of the town, we were taken to newly
>prepared camps in the fields.
MIKE: [Duke] Canst thou send me the Mayor?
TOM: [Peasant] Yes, milord, we'll slip him under your door.
> It wasn't until all of the Dukes had arrived
>that we were finally summoned in to the Odyssey.
CROW: Please stay in single file. Don't wander away from the tour guide.
Souvenirs are available in Ten-Forward. Keep moving, please.
> Duke Carlisle did ask
>several times why, but the only reply was that "that's what the Captain
>said." This worried the Duke greatly.
>
MIKE: He was late for a meeting with his dealer!
> When we were called, the Duke was only allowed two advisors and two
>guards.
CROW: Or he could choose three advisors and one guard; or three guards and
one advisor; or one guard, one advisor, and two chickens.
> For Castrome our party consisted of the Duke, myself, little
>Desiree, and two knights, Sir Percy
TOM: Famed for his touching ballad, "When a Knight Loves a Woman".
> and Sir Oswald.
MIKE: Who was later slain by Sir Jack of Ruby.
> We were taken into the
>Odyssey by what appeared to have been large windows. We were taken into a
>small room which then opened up onto an entirely different set of
>corridors.
CROW: It's a maze of twisty passages, all alike.
> Our destination was a large room with five tables. Each of
>them had the arms of one of the Dukedoms,
MIKE: Meanwhile, the armless Dukes lay bleeding to death.
> save for the fifth, which was on
>a platform and bore no marking. But a sturdy chair, much more impressive
>looking than the simple ones at the other tables was at the middle.
TOM: They Came From Planet Ikea!
> One by one, the other dukes joined us in the chamber, taking their
>seats at their adorned tables, with an advisor at each side, and their
>guards standing behind them.
MIKE: [Picard] You do realize that stretching out this story won't get you
more beer, right?
CROW: [Byron] Oh, poopie!
> The Dukes all engaged in hostile staring
>contests.
MIKE: Then a bear and a woman holding a sign reading "Andy's Mom" appeared
behind one of them and started making out.
> The Duke of Fasstime petted his cat.
TOM: He'd auditioned for the role of a Bond Villain, but couldn't make the
final cut, poor sap.
> Duke Murdock's pet bird
>began repeating various hostile comments about his rivals.
CROW: RRawk! Frank Burns Eats Worms!
> Desiree began bugging her father for a bird and a cat.
MIKE: [Little kid] And a bunny and a hamster and a ferret and a dinosaur
and a pony and a hippo and a unicorn and a fairy and an elephant.
> It was into this hostile atmosphere that Captain Richard York
>walked into the room. He was accompanied by his wife,
TOM: Elizabeth Montgomery.
> who would become the
>lovely Queen Claire, and a burly man named Harlan.
MIKE: Yeah, ask him when he's putting "Last Dangerous Visions" up on the
Internet. See if he'll eat you.
> They took the seats at
>the head table, as men in yellow and black uniforms took up posts at the
>doors and beside the head table.
CROW: This is the first "Camelot" fan fiction we've read, right?
> "It appears that this is going to be tougher than I thought,"
>Richard mumbled before raising his voice to address the Dukes.
TOM: [John Wayne] Well, hel-lo there, pil-grims!
> "Good
>Afternoon, your graces. I know who you are,
CROW: [Dr. Forrester] And I saw what you did!
MIKE: You used to be able to do that voice so much better, Crow.
> and I believe you know
>everyone but, me,
TOM: The punctuation in, this sentence, is kind of, awkward.
> so I better introduce myself and tell you why I'm here.
MIKE: And why I'm wearing this dress.
>I'm Captain Richard York of the Starship Odyssey.
TOM: [York] Now, have any of you ever heard of a thing called "Amway"?
> The structure you are
>now in is what remains of my ship. I was on patrol of this sector of
>space, guarding it from Cardassians when a Cardassian Warship attacked my
>ship.
CROW: If you listen closely, you can hear this going way over their heads.
TOM: What happened to telling myths of the island "Earth" from far across
the sea?
> The Odyssey and her crew managed to destroy the warship, but the
>ship was damaged beyond repair,
CROW: [Random Duke] But isn't everything still working? You've got power
and everything!
MIKE: [York] DO NOT QUESTION ME! NEVER QUESTION ME!!!
TOM: [Byron] It was then that he earned the name, King Richard the
Hair-Triggered.
> and we were forced to make a barely
>controlled landing on this planet.
TOM: Barely controlled? They picked out the one stinking town in a hundred
mile radius!
> In the process, we crushed the town of
>Sappor and killed many people, including, according to what I've been told,
>the entire royal family.
CROW: [York] Sorry 'bout that. Now, who's for some lunch?
> As my ship caused the problem, I feel it is my
>responsibility to see that nothing suffers because of it.
TOM: [York] And when I say "nothing", I'm not counting the hundreds of
natives horribly mangled beneath this metallic leviathan.
> I've spent the
>last five days speaking to various surviving members of the late King
>Ferrel's court, and have come to the conclusion that
MIKE: [York] Ferrel really *is* a ridiculous name.
> none of you would
>support another one of your fellow dukes as King, and that there is no
>clear candidate to become King.
CROW: [York] Apparently, Lord Bush and Lord Gore are deadlocked, and the
Duchy of Palm Beach is rioting.
> Is that a good assessment, your graces?"
MIKE: Oh, I hate taking class evaluations. If I say something bad about
the instructor, I feel guilty. But if I make them sound too good,
I'm afraid it won't look realistic.
> It took a while for the Dukes to digest this new information.
TOM: [duke] What the hell's a Cardassian?
>Each of them began looking at their counterparts with suspicious glares.
CROW: So, he's *completely* insane then?
> As that confirmed his opinion, the Captain continued. "In
>addition, no one can become king without your support.
TOM: Them and the parliament or diet or witenagemot, sure.
MIKE: The *what*?
TOM: England, before William the Conqueror. Look it up.
MIKE: Get away from me.
> I'd like to have it."
TOM: [York] Seeing as you backward hicks couldn't even *hope* to govern
yourselves properly.
> That caused the room to break up in sputtering "What? No way!
CROW: Way!
TOM: No way!
CROW: Way!
MIKE: Baron Garth and Duke Wayne, ladies and gentlemen.
>Who do you thing you are?"
TOM: [Morticia] Thank you, Thing.
> The Captain let that go on for a minute or so
>before calling the room back to order.
> "Your Graces!" he ordered. "Sit down, and shut up!"
MIKE: Smartest thing anyone's said in the entire fanfic.
> Somehow that
>settled them down.
CROW: Yes, most royalty reacts positively to being treated like 4-year olds.
MIKE: Though all the guards leveling their pulsed phaser rifles at them may
have helped a bit.
> "That's better. Now I realize that this is not what
>you expected when you were called here.
MIKE: [York] Heck, that's not even what *I* expected when I called you here.
> I'm sure every one of you, down to
>the last guard and with the possible exception of the young girl chasing
>the cat, want to be King."
CROW: Yes, even the cat has an evil plan to take over the kingdom. Of
course, that's not really unusual for cats...
> During the uproar, the cat had left the Duke of Fasstime's table
>and was now being chased by the young girl on the far end of the room.
MIKE: Oh really? I couldn't gather that from the previous sentence.
Thanks for clearing that up for us.
TOM: Hey, look, it's a metaphor for the search for power!
>Her father called her back, and she returned to the seat, with the cat,
CROW: Yeah, and there are the constitutional limits on that power...
>who had been captured just short of pouncing on the bird.
MIKE: Just short of the prize! It'd be a brilliant foreshadowing of where
we know this story is going if we weren't sure it was just padding.
> "I think you'll find that my administration would be a lot easier
>than you taking the job.
TOM: [York] I just thought I'd emphasize some more what a slovenly,
backward country this is.
> I'm sure that there are days when you wish you
>never had become a Duke.
MIKE: Like "Dunk the Duke Fridays" down at the bar.
> Well, I've been told by several Kings that a
>King's job is much, much worse."
TOM: It's a great argument - if you're trying to scare Kelly Bundy out
of the job.
> "Duke Murdock of Avtra, I understand you are unwed.
CROW: [York] So, are you, like, busy Friday night and stuff?
> If you took the
>throne you would be pressured into a marriage for political purposes.
TOM: He'd have to marry Jenna Bush?
>Duke Carlisle, your daughter would suffer the same,
MIKE: Then she'd be forced to join the Go-Go's.
> never being able to marry
>for love.
CROW: This guy is completely unaware of the concept of mistresses, isn't he?
TOM: And he says he knows royal politics...
> Duke Lionel of Fasstime, I understand you had some trouble
>maintaining the Fasstime-Arm Road through Hammer Pass.
CROW: [sputtering] Arm? Hammer?
TOM: [Stephen] Let's see, what shall I name my fictional creations? I
think an inspirational trip to Krogers is called for here.
> If you were King,
>that wouldn't be the only road you had to worry about.
MIKE: [York] You'd be in charge of all those old Hope & Crosby movies too.
> Duke Nolan of
>Armedge, I understand that shortly after you became duke, you had to clear
>out the corrupt administration of the port of Arm.
TOM: Did you ever find the Earl of Hoffa, by the way?
> As King you would have
>to oversee over eight major ports.
CROW: And you clearly don't want somebody with experience and zeal for
that sort of work doing it.
> My Lord Dukes, I haven't even got to
>taxes, mediation, and ceremony.
CROW: [Duke] Boy, being King is sure hard work!
MIKE: [Duke] Yeah, if only there were someone who'd do it for us.
> I find it hard to believe that any of you
>want this job.
TOM: [York] Just how dumb ARE you guys?
> I am willing to take it on because I feel it's my duty
>because I caused the mess. Now, what say you?"
CROW: [Duke Lionel] I say you're a filthy, murdering usurper. And I'm not
going to...
MIKE: [York] SILENCE!
CROW: Yessir...
> Duke Murdock was first to speak. "After listening to your words, I
>do not want the job.
CROW: [Murdock] Being a king and stuff sucks! I wanna play in my band!
> I would not support any of my fellow dukes,
>so I believe I must pledge my loyalty to you, my King."
TOM: [Murdock] Your flawed, logic-less arguments have swayed my opinion.
> At the end of his statement, the colorful bird on his shoulder
>announced, "Long Live the King!"
MIKE: Then it pooped on the guy's shoulder.
> Duke Nolan was next, standing at his table.
TOM: Could we have some bread, *please*? And a menu finally?
> "I do not want the
>job.
CROW: Although I do want the power and prestige that comes with it.
> I spent three years rebuilding the port of Arm after corruption and
>raids from pirates nearly destroyed it.
TOM: You'd think he could at least have hired some tradesmen to help.
> I do not even want to think about
>what it would take to restore Sappor."
MIKE: Geez, maybe York's right - these guys sure aren't king material.
> Duke Lionel stood next. "I've been duke for ten years. During that
>time I've seen much infighting among my fellow dukes and attempted to end
>it among my vassals.
CROW: [Lionel] Which is why I had their sword arms all hacked off. Results
are mixed.
> I do not wish to see this fighting increase unto
>civil war.
TOM: [Lionel] Because if you think I'm hanging a Confederate flag in *my*
castle, you got another thing coming!
> I do not know you, Captain York,
MIKE: But there is nothing I wouldn't do for your Peppermint Patties.
> but I know my fellow noblemen
>too well. I will consent to your Kingship, because I do not believe anyone
>I know can do it."
CROW: Turns out alien planets are *easy* to conquer.
> Duke Carlisle was last to rise. "You have shown us that you are a
>take charge fellow, filled with duty.
TOM: That's a line designed to make our inner nine-year-olds titter.
> That is good. You've commanded this
>ship in space battles, you tell us.
MIKE: [Carlisle] So obviously you're some kind of outer demon or something!
> Your technology appears much greater
>than ours, yet you still ask us for your support when you could no doubt
>take us against our will.
CROW: Or maybe his injured, battle-wearied Starfleet officers are
vastly outnumbered by your standing armies. Dink.
> That is good. You are in short, just what we
>need. I will not stand in your way."
MIKE: Here's a man who knows which butt to kiss and when.
> It was with the tentative support of the Four Dukes that King
>Richard began his reign.
>
TOM: How to become king: Step 1 - Kill the current king and all his
relatives.
CROW: Step 2 - Convince all the nobles that they don't want the job.
MIKE: Step 3 - Inform the nobles that you *do* want the job.
TOM: Step 4 - Since you want the job and all the other nobles don't,
therefore you become king.
> "Now, Captain, we've told our tale, perhaps you can regale us with
>a tale or two about your adventures on your ship," Byron said,
MIKE: [Picard] Well, for that, just tune in to TNN every weeknight at
8:00 PM, 7:00 PM Central.
> emptying his
>glass again. "Barkeep, another ale!"
CROW: So, is this a Captain's Table story now?
> "I believe I have a tale," Captain Picard said. "It is about my
>third mate, truly an unusual officer."
TOM: [Picard] He's a Jell-O based being from the tenth dimension and he
only talks in ferret noises.
MIKE: [Byron] That's at most eccentric.
> "There is no such thing as an unusual seaman," Giles replied.
MIKE: *Ahem!*
TOM: *mmmmmmmmmwah!* Goodnight, everybody!
> "I disagree," Captain Picard replied. "But I ask that you reserve
>judgement until after I tell you how I acquired my second mate."
>
MIKE: Picard has a trophy wife?
CROW: He dumped Beverly for a 22-year old aerobics instructor named Mandi
from Spandex III.
> It was three years ago when I was sailing the Northern Seas, when
>my Third Mate at the time, came to me with a request.
TOM: [Picard] But what *good* would a shipboard version of "Plinko" do?
> It seemed that he
>had a wife in the port we were at that had just died,
CROW: He was the kinda guy that had a dead wife in every port.
> leaving a twelve year
>old child behind. He wondered if I might allow that child to serve as my
>cabin boy.
TOM: Instead of doing something stupid, like going ashore and raising the
kid himself instead of endangering him on the open sea.
> I had no objections, having lacked one for some time.
CROW: He shoulda just joined the Chris Elliot fan club.
> The next morning, he brought the child aboard. The child appeared
>quite scruffy, with blond hair that appeared to have been cut off with a
>knife.
MIKE: Hair by Mr. Scissorhands.
> However the outfit was clean, brand new looking in fact. So I put
>the child to work.
CROW: [Picard] I ran a sweatshop in the lower decks!
> We had been out to sea for three weeks on a two month trip, when
>the pirates attacked.
TOM: It began with their detaching the saucer section of the sailing ship
and traveling at warp speed around the whirlpool to - oh, forget it.
> We had been too predicable with our regular spice
>trip.
MIKE: [Picard] They shall come all - for violence!
> We fought them off and sunk their ship with a broadside of four of
>our ten cannons, but their attack had been with a heavy price.
TOM: $10,345.95
> Seven men
>were dead, including my third mate.
MIKE: [Picard] Also dead were my third chum, fourth pal, and fifth buddy.
> The child took it hard, but I gave the child no chance to drown in
>grief.
CROW: Yeah, yeah, daddy's dead, boohoohoo. Now go get me a flagon of grog,
Earl Grey, hot!
> We needed every hand. I put the child to work, mending sails,
>repairing damage, and so forth.
MIKE: Ironing my shirts...
CROW: Reading me bedtime stories...
TOM: Fluffing my pillow...
> There wasn't a job on the ship that the
>child hadn't learnt by the time we hit port. Unfortunately, I lost another
>five men who deserted in that port, so we were even more shorthanded on the
>return journey.
MIKE: [Picard] Then everyone died, including me. Boy, that was rough.
> During the return, the child became a fixture at my side.
TOM: [Picard] Later, I remodeled and had a wet bar put in instead.
> Anything
>I needed, the child provided.
CROW: You'd think that'd work the other way around.
> I, in turn, provided the child with
>knowledge.
TOM: The Young Radar O'Reilly Hornblower Chronicles.
> I taught the child how to sail, how to sword fight, and how to
>read and write.
MIKE: [kid] But I've already read "A Christmas Carol"! 35 times this week!
> But the child harbored a secret, one that I did not learn until a
>year later.By then the child was acting as the junior most of my
>officers, taking the second dog watch,
TOM: But who was watching the first dog?
MIKE: There are some things man was never meant to know.
> and I had a new cabin boy.
MIKE: [Picard] The boy having grown large enough to fight me off.
> We were traveling though the same sea on nearly the same voyage as
>the one in which I had lost my Third Mate, the child's father.
MIKE: You'd think he'd at least know "the child's" name by now.
> I had set a
>watch, but thick fog was impeding our progress. It was the fog that
>allowed the pirates to get close enough to board us.
CROW: Sure. *Always* blame it on pirates.
> But my sword fighting
>practice served us well, and we fought off the pirates,
MIKE: Thus clinching the NL Wild Card spot.
> the child making
>several impressive kills.
CROW: [Picard] Though killing that last guy with a 90-hit Ultra *was*
a bit much...
> However, the pirates did not leave the child
>unharmed, for they made several glancing cuts on the child.
TOM: Hi, Stephen? I'm a pronoun. Have we met?
> At the end of the battle, the pirates had lost, but the child's
>clothes were barely hanging on her body.
MIKE: Wait a sec... this is the result of several 'glancing' cuts?
What is she wearing, taffeta?
> It was apparent that I hadn't had
>a cabin boy, but a cabin girl.
CROW: [Picard] Suddenly, images of "Boys Don't Cry" floated through my
brain!
TOM: Geez, Sherlock, what was your first clue - the high-pitched voice or
the bumps on her chest?
> The girl was worried that I would throw her off the ship, now that
>I knew, for it is well known that ship captains prefer not to have women
>among their crews. I admit that the thought crossed my mind, but the girl
>had proved her merit.
TOM: Plus, she looked pretty good in tattered clothing!
> I certainly wasn't going to let her go in the middle
>of the sea,
CROW: But if you let her go and she comes back to you, she's yours forever.
> and I had promised her father that I would take care of her,
>although if I ever meet her father, somewhere beyond the grave, we're going
>to have a long talk.
TOM: So Captain Picard's view of the afterlife is interminable conferences.
MIKE: That's his view of life anyway.
> It was then that the death of my Fourth Mate at the
>time was discovered.
CROW: Fortunately, by subtracting his Fifth Mate from his Ninth Mate, he was
able to make do.
> I told the girl to go get dressed and began asking
>the rest of the officers who they thought could best fill the position.
MIKE: They named Frank Lautenberg.
>It was to my great surprise that the girl was their choice.
TOM: [Picard] Only Botswain Manitoba objected, so we pitched him overboard.
MIKE: Calgary.
TOM: Whatever.
> The door of the bar opened, and banged shut behind the person who
>entered.
ALL: NORM!!!
> The person was dressed in the same style of ship's uniform that
>Captain Picard wore, though less adorned.
TOM: Withholding her name isn't going to leave us any doubt who she is.
> Her hair was shoulder length,
>and blond. She, taking her beret like hat off, approached Picard's table
>and said, "Excuse me, Captain, but Commander Riker's compliments.
CROW: ...are fawning and insincere and he wants your job so bad he can
taste it.
>He wishes to inform you that we've obtained passengers for Odyssey, and
>are ready to embark on the evening tide."
TOM: Huh?
CROW: Translation: We're all aboard and ready to take off.
> "Very well, Marrissa," Captain Picard said. "I will be along as
>soon as I settle up my tab.
MIKE: Sadly, Picard soon discovered all they had was Diet Rite.
> Please wait for me outside."
> "Aye sir." The young girl left as Picard moved over to the bar to
>pay the barkeeper.
> "That's a nice young girl, you've got there," the barkeep
>commented.
ALL: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!
> "That will be 5 silver."
> "She's a fine officer," Captain Picard said, handing over the
>silver pieces before departing the bar.
TOM: His career as a lawyer was at an end.
>--
>Stephen Ratliff ASC FAQ Maintainer
>http://www.crosswinds.net/~stephenratliff/FAQs
>
CROW: So we've learned that if you're a Starship captain, you can drop your
ship on a primitive city, pretty much wipe out their entire royal
family, denigrate and bully the local nobles, and in return, they'll
gratefully make you king. Right?
TOM: Well, it worked for Nixon.
>From stephenratliff@crosswinds.net Tue Dec 18 18:53:20 2001
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW TNG Royal and Prime Directives 3/16 [PG] (Marrissa Stories)
MIKE: Uh... Two things Stephen Ratliff should never write about.
>From: Stephen Ratliff <stephenratliff@crosswinds.net>
>Date: Wed, 19 Dec 2001 00:53:20 GMT
>
>Title: Royal and Prime Directives
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Contact: stephen at trekiverse dot org
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories
>Part: NEW 3/16 Serialized Weekly
CROW: Must be one of those 45-day metric weeks.
>Rating: [PG]
>Summary: The Enterprise-E investigates a planet where a starship Captain
>who crashed 20 years ago has been ruling a small nation
>
>Chapter Two: Sailing Away
>
CROW: No!
TOM: What? What's wrong with o/` Sailing away? o/`
[Crow shudders for a moment before...]
CROW: Ahhhhh! o/` Setanopencoursetothevirginsea o/`
MIKE: You'd think he'd learn.
TOM: Apparently not.
> The ship's boat was waiting for Captain and Lieutenant Picard.
TOM: I see the ship's boat has acquired sentience.
CROW: But not intelligence.
>They boarded, and the men began to pull for the Stargazer.
MIKE: Go for it, Stargazer!
TOM: Yeah, you can do it, buddy!
> The sea was
>choppy, and the golden sunset was obscured by heavy grey clouds.
CROW: So nobody could see it. But trust us, it was golden.
> Marrissa
>took the tiller, and steered the boat towards the three masted ship.
MIKE: [Marrissa] Excellent. Mr. Ottawa, open fire!
CROW: It's Calgary.
MIKE: [Marrissa] Whatever!
> The
>Stargazer showed some wear, but was freshly painted, having just been
>beamed down from a specially designed cargo carrier that the Enterprise had
>towed.
MIKE: So Picard drags this specially designed cargo carrier around that
can hold and repair seafaring ships just on the off chance he
might want to go for a short sail?
CROW: Someone's getting eccentric in his old age.
> The smell of the sea air was a tonic to the Captain.
MIKE: Specifically, a *gin* and tonic.
TOM: [Marrissa] C'mon, dad, sober up a little, willya?
> It renewed
>his sense of adventure, propelled him beyond duty, and made him wish for
>simpler times.
CROW: Then he remembered he'd done this a thousand times on the holodeck,
and broke down into tears.
> Ah, to sail on the power of the air on your sails, to
>follow the sea's current on the sound of the breaking waves.
TOM: To fight scurvy and rickets.
MIKE: To smell like rotting fish all day.
CROW: To be trapped on a boat with 40 unwashed sailors for weeks and weeks.
TOM: To not see a woman for months at a time.
MIKE: To hit a patch of sharp rock and die a watery death.
CROW: To die halfway around the world at the hands of yo-yo wielding
cannibals.
> To Marrissa, this was a new challenge.
CROW: But for Marrissa there would be another day.
> Challenges were not
>something that Marrissa backed down from.
MIKE: Marrissa likes to view them not as challenges, but opportunities.
> She was, in a way, like a
>character in one of her anime, Ranma Saotome.
TOM: If you throw hot water on her, she turns into a guy?
MIKE: It would explain why Picard couldn't recognize her gender during
his flashback.
> A challenge was a call to
>battle, and she wouldn't quit until she won.
CROW: No matter who she had to kill.
> They pulled along side. "Oars up!" Marrissa ordered. The ship's
>boat team had spent several hours on the holodeck learning how to do this.
TOM: Tha hell? They had to *learn* how to take the oars out of the water?!
MIKE: These guys weren't exactly head of their academy class.
>"Mr. James, take the tiller."
TOM: ...Please!
> First Marrissa, then the Captain,
MIKE: What next? Penguins?
> climbed on
>board. As the Captain climbed up, the bosun's whistle rang in a three tone
>greeting.
[Tom imitates the NBC chime]
MIKE: [plugging nose] Now hear this, now hear this, prepare for arrival of
scientist from Earth.
> "Welcome back aboard, Captain," Commander Riker said.
> "Ship's status, number one?" Picard asked.
MIKE: [Riker] Ten seconds away from sinking, sir!
TOM: [Picard] Up from three. Excellent!
> "We're fully stocked
CROW: With booze.
> and ready to depart," Riker said. "The
>Duchess and her party are aboard and in the passenger quarters.
CROW: [Riker] I took "special" care of the Duchess, if you know what
I mean...
TOM: [Picard, exasperated] Yes, Number One, congratulations on nailing
one of the locals. Again.
> The
>evening tide begins in a quarter hour."
MIKE: [Riker] Shuffleboard is available up on deck, and we have some
excellent live shows this evening at five, seven, and nine.
> "Very well, Number One," Picard said. "We will sail into the
>setting sun.
TOM: [Riker] Won't that make us catch on fire and burn up?
CROW: [Picard] That's why we're going to sail mostly at night.
> Raise anchor and prepare for departure."
>
TOM: INTENSE DEPARTING ACTION!
> Marrissa stood on the quarter deck, to the right of the helm. It
>was the last dog watch,
CROW: [sobbing] No! Old Yeller!
> and she was in command.
TOM: [Little phaser noises] Tzoo! Tzoo tzoo tzoo! Tzoo tzooooo!
> The sun was just coming
>up, and the Stargazer had picked up a fresh westerly breeze.
CROW: Say, what ever happened to Westerly Crusher?
TOM: He was at Riker and Deanna's wedding, but most of his scenes wound up
on the cutting room floor.
> She looked down at the main deck. A young girl had just come up
>out of the hold.
MIKE: [Marrissa] Oooh! Royalty! 500 point shot!
> It appeared to be the Lady Hayley, who was the Duchess's
>daughter.
TOM: It's Hayley Mills and Hayley Mills, in "The Marrissa Trap".
> Marrissa had met the girl briefly at dinner the previous night.
MIKE: [Marrissa] Hi, I'm Marrissa.
CROW: [Hayley] Hi.
>The young blonde girl was Marrissa's age and seemed to be quite curious.
MIKE: Fortunately, she had a man with a yellow hat to watch her at all
times.
>Lady Hayley had spent most of dinner questioning La Forge about the ship.
CROW: [Hayley] What's that thingy that makes the sails go poof?
TOM: [Geordi] That's called "the wind", dear...
> The girl climbed up the starboard ladder to the quarterdeck. "I
>hope you don't mind me coming up here," the girl said.
TOM: In response, Marrissa snapped her neck and dumped the body overboard.
> "I just want to see
>the sun rise.
CROW: [Marrissa] Enjoy it. I gotta go or I'll turn to dust and ashes.
> "I don't mind," Marrissa said. "Other officers of the watch may,
>though."
ALL: [Officers] We don't mind.
> "Officers of the watch?" Lady Hayley asked.
MIKE: [Marrissa] Some lame-o cult Riker formed that worships Timex.
They're really touchy.
> "The person left in command of the ship for a certain length of
>time," Marrissa said. "It's usually
TOM: [Marrissa] Me, Clara, or one of the other Powerpuff Kids Crew.
> the top five officers, excluding the
>Captain."
> "Why not the Captain?" Hayley asked.
CROW: [Marrissa] He's just a figurehead for our bourgeois overlords.
> "He's in command all the time," Marrissa said. "An officer of the
>watch only commands the ship when he's not here.
MIKE: So only people who aren't there are in charge?
> Some people call the
>position the duty officer."
CROW: And some people call it the gangster of love.
> "Who are those officers?" Hayley asked.
TOM: And you can make sure it's a very long and detailed list?
> "Well, our first mate, Commander Riker commands the first watch,"
>Marrissa said.
CROW: Hawkeye and Trapper John take the other two. They may be trouble,
but they're the best darned doctors in the whole Korean theater.
> "He's that bearded guy who made that colorful toast last
>night at dinner."
MIKE: [Hayley] The one with all the drunken laughter and hand gestures?
> "Your captain looked like he was going throw something at the
>Commander," Hayley said.
CROW: [Marrissa] Yeah, well, Riker inspires that.
> "Quite possibly," Marrissa said.
TOM: [Marrissa] They're thoroughly hate-filled, you know.
> "Our second mate, Lieutenant La
>Forge commands the second watch. He answered your questions last night at
>dinner.
MIKE: [Marrissa] He asked me to tell you not to talk to him again. Ever.
> He came up though the ship's carpentry
CROW: Left a huge hole in the floor.
> and still does some work on
>the side.
TOM: Port side only, though - he's a specialist now.
> I'm third mate, and I command the last of the dog watches."
CROW: [Marrissa] You know. In case we're attacked by dogs. On the ocean.
Oh, hell. I'm just making this stuff up as I go along.
> "Dog watches?" Hayley asked.
MIKE: Yeah, you know, like Satchel wears in "Get Fuzzy".
> "The three watches between dusk and dawn,"
TOM: Starring George Clooney.
> Marrissa said. "They're
>also called ticks.
ALL: SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!
> The first two both last four hours, but the last one
>can last longer, depending on the time of year, giving it the name 'the
>long tick.'"
CROW: [Tick] Look, Arthur! I'm all stretchy and bendy! It's keen!
> "You know a lot," Hayley said, leaning against the rail.
MIKE: Yep, I can just picture it - Haley standing there. Vacant stare on
her face. Idly twirling a curl around her finger...
TOM: I can almost hear the bubble gum popping.
> "Dad insists that I study a lot," Marrissa said.
CROW: [Marrissa] He says it keeps me out of his hair. [normal] Ha!
See? Cuz Picard told her about the hair, y'see, and - he's -
y'know, all bald.
TOM: We got it, Crow.
CROW: It's funny, see?
MIKE: [pats Crow on head] Of course it is.
> "Especially when
>we have to go off ship. Be careful with that rail, it's a little lose"
TOM: Tom Stewart killed me! Tom Stewart killed me!
> "Why then?" Hayley asked, moving back from the rail.
TOM: Then promptly falling off the other side.
MIKE: [Hayley] Oopsieeeeeeeee....
> "It helps prevent you from making mistakes," Marrissa said.
CROW: [Marrissa] Like messing with me! Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!
> "Not
>all places have the same rules as Ellosia.
MIKE: [Marrissa] I mean, there are some places that don't even allow a
Starfleet captain to murder the local king and take over!
CROW: [Hayley] How horrible!
> If you don't know the rules,
>it's a lot harder to avoid breaking them."
MIKE: Like not allowing children onto the bridge of a starship?
CROW: Or giving children command of a starship in times of war?
TOM: Or altering history for your own selfish whims?
MIKE: Actually, Janeway broke that altering history rule.
CROW: So did Kirk.
TOM: That was different. Kirk did it to save earth from mortal danger.
Janeway was just irritated that she didn't get a parade.
> "Oh," Hayley said. "You have nice sunrises at sea."
TOM: Quite an attention span on that one.
MIKE: [Hayley] My hair smells nice.
> "Sometimes," Marrissa said. "You can see a lot at sea, with
>nothing to block your view.
CROW: Namely, water. Lots and lots and lots of water.
> Even more when you're at the top of the
>masts."
MIKE: [Marrissa] And more still when you blast the shoreline flat!
> "You climb all the way up there?" Hayley said, craning her head to
>look up to the top.
CROW: [Hayley] It must be six feet up!
> "Sometimes," Marrissa said. "The Captain doesn't like it when I do
>though. Calls it a foolish stunt."
TOM: Puts it on NBC. Leaves us all feeling degraded.
> "It is, but the view is amazing," Commander Riker said. Marrissa
>turned to find him standing behind her.
MIKE: Yeah, yeah. And the love that you've found ever since she's been
around puts you at the top of the mast. Move along already.
> "Good Morning, Commander," Marrissa said. "I believe you know Lady
>Hayley, she got up to see the sunrise this morning."
CROW: That's why I've been talking her ear off instead of letting her look.
> "Good Morning, Lady Hayley," Riker said, dipping in a slight bow.
TOM: [Riker] Hi, ladies. I know I've been out of the story for a while.
Don't worry, you'll be able to enjoy me the rest of this scene.
>"Lieutenant Picard, anything to report."
TOM: [Marrissa] Well, I've discovered the Romulans are preparing to
invade...
CROW: [Riker] Good, good. Say Hayley, you ever seen the sunrise from
Inspiration Point?
> "Wind is out of the south-east, and our speed is at 12 knots,"
MIKE: Barometric Pressure is 30.12 inches and rising, and local humidity
is about 105%. Let's go to Doppler and see what's heading this way.
>Marrissa said. "I adjusted course five points to port a half an hour ago.
>Based on current speed, we should arrive at Sapphire Bay late this
>afternoon, if the wind holds."
TOM: If it doesn't hold, we'll get there day before yesterday. I can't
explain it.
> "Very well, Lieutenant, you are relieved," Riker said,
MIKE: [Marrissa, muttering] I will be once *you* leave, ya big jerk!
> turning to
>stand by the wheel.
TOM: o/` Stand by your whee-e-e-el... o/`
> "Yes sir," Marrissa said. "If you'd follow me, Lady Hayley,
>perhaps we can get an early breakfast from the cook."
>
MIKE: [Marrissa] It's flapstick day!
BOTS: WOO-HOO!!
> Beverly Picard adjusted her robe as she entered the Inn.
MIKE: Are you sure it's wise to visit an Inn in your bathrobe?
>It had been a long ride from Arlipor
MIKE: Isn't it "Alripor"?
CROW: I think you're right.
TOM: Which is worse: That Stephen misspelled the name of a place he
invented, or that we've been paying enough attention to notice?
> to the town of Castrome Cross. Though the
>robes of the Healing Sisterhood of the Order of Saint Cecilia were made
>thin for the tropical weather of Ellosia,
TOM: Woops! A little *too* thin - especially when she's got the sun
behind her like that, heh heh heh.
> they were somewhat unmanageable
>compared to the uniform of a Star Fleet Doctor.
CROW: But still better than the lime green muumuu the elder sisters
wanted her to wear.
> At her side was Clara,
MIKE: The quiet Beatle.
> who
>was dressed in the common attire of the daughter of a wealthy landowner.
TOM: Tommy Hilfiger and BUFU.
CROW: [Beverly] Stupid Kids' Crew punks, get all the good clothes...
> "Welcome to the Inn of the Flying Dragon, revered sister," the
>Innkeeper said. "How may I be of assistance?"
TOM: [Beverly] Uh, yeah... hi. Is there a Marriot around here somewhere?
> "My charge and I require a simple room for a night's stay
MIKE: They're not up to handling the complicated rooms.
CROW: They'll be stumped if they get a room with a door that doesn't
open just by walking at it.
> and would
>inquire about possible companions for our journey to Odyssey," Beverly
>said.
TOM: [Inkeeper] You want the "Raging Stallion" next door for "companions".
CROW: [Beverly] That's not what I meant. But thanks for the tip!
> "We have a room available for just a silver," the Innkeeper said.
MIKE: [Beverly] I... can give you three toothpicks and a Monopoly piece.
> "That will be fine," Beverly said.
> "I believe the minstrel in the corner is on his way to Odyssey,
>perhaps he will be able to accompany you."
CROW: Oh... my... God!
TOM: Nonononono, not a minstrel!
MIKE: Wait, guys, maybe he won't sing!
TOM: C'mon, Mike, introducing a minstrel who doesn't sing is like having a
Starfleet redshirt who lives!
> Over in the corner was a minstrel, dressed in worn traveling
>clothes that were rather well tailored for such a roving harpist.
TOM: [Beverly] Umm... Could you point out someone less useless and
effeminate?
CROW: A *harp*?!? A freakin' *harp*?!? Geez, why not just lug around
a Steinway or something?
MIKE: He's from the Island of Misfit Harpo Marxes!
> He was
>signing a popular air,
MIKE: Wouldn't it be easier just to close-caption him?
> as those in the common room gathered around him.
>
CROW: Clubs and tire-irons in hand...
> "Once there was a king from heavens above
> A royal beyond measure was he.
MIKE: o/` He stuck in his thumb and pulled out a plum... o/`
> The Lord above sent him to rule our fair country
>
TOM: Oh come on, that didn't even rhyme.
> "Once there was a Duchess, Desired was she
> Her beauty was the call of the whole country
CROW: o/` In that thong, th-thong-thong-thong! o/`
> It's a shame that little brother captured Desiree.
>
TOM: Okay, I am officially confused.
MIKE: I just don't think you can do a blank verse sonnet is all.
> As the minstrel shifted into a instrumental piece,
MIKE: PLAY "WHIPPING POST"!!
TOM: FREEBIRD!
CROW: [Bad southern accent] EAT A PEACH! WOOOO!!!
> Beverly
>approached.
TOM: [Beverly] Here's $50 if you promise not to sing until we're gone!
> "Pardon me, sir minstrel, but the Innkeeper tells me that
>you're heading towards Odyssey on the morn."
CROW: He's riding the guy from Deep Space Nine?
> "Why, yes, I'm heading to see my younger brother and his wife," the
>minstrel said.
MIKE: [Minstrel] Though not necessarily in that order, if you know what
I mean...
> "I'm Sister Beverly, and this is my charge Clarrissa.
[All start to speak at once, then stop]
MIKE: Were we all about to do a "Clarissa Explains It All" riff?
TOM: Um, yeah, I was.
CROW: Me too.
MIKE: Right. Let's just retire that one and move on with our lives.
ALL: Agreed.
> We're also
>going that way, and wondered if we might accompany you."
CROW: [Minstrel] Well I *have* been needing a drummer and a bass player...
> "Certainly, honored sister. My name is Cedric.
TOM: [Cedric] I'll be meeting up with Bernie Mac and Steve Harvey later,
if that's okay.
> If you'll be kind
>enough to meet me after breakfast is served?"
MIKE: [Cedric] And bring plenty of cash - I can eat lotsa pancakes!
> Beverly nodded. "Then it's
>settled." Then he took up another song. "Here's a little song I used to
>play in my youth."
>
CROW: [solemn, minstrel-y,] Right about now, the funk soul brother...
> "The minstrel boy off to war has gone
MIKE: But he'll return your call as soon as he can. Please leave your
name, number and insipid lyrics after the beep.
> In the ranks of death you will find him
TOM: Oh, right, this is the second verse to the "Cheers" theme.
> His father's sword he hath girdith on,
ALL: [Monotone] And in the darkness bind him.
> His wild harp slung behind him
>
TOM: Somehow, I just don't see the words "wild" and "harp" as being
compatible.
CROW: Actually, free range harps are tastier and have less fat.
> "Land of song sang the warrior bard
CROW: o/` Shootin' out the walls of heartache... o/`
MIKE & TOM: o/` Bang, bang! o/`
> Though all the world betrays thee
TOM: [Cedric] o/` Like that little hussy Fiona, who ran off with my
so-called "best friend" Nigel! o/`
> One sword at least your rights shall guard
CROW: And one lance with speed your sticks!
> On faithful harp shall praise thee.
>
MIKE: Thank you! We love you, Castrome Cross! Rock on!
> The road was dusty, and the gait of the rinnebeast was really
>hurting Clara's rear.
TOM: Unfortunately, the locals had yet to develop pillow technology.
> For perhaps the hundredth time that day, Clara
>wished that she could have traded assignments with Marrissa.
TOM: She was sure she'd make just as cruel and ruthless a dictator.
> At least the
>journey from Arlipor to Castrome, and then to Castrome Cross
CROW: Is that anything like the Southern Cross?
TOM: Maybe. Desiree does kind of remind me of Dana Sterling.
> had been by
>coach.
TOM: And boy, were Steve Spurrier's arms tired!
MIKE: Good.
> Unfortunately the coach didn't go past Castrome Cross so here Clara
>was riding on a rinnebeast on a dusty, rutted road through the middle of
>nowhere.
CROW: MTV's getting really desperate for new "Road Rules" episodes.
TOM: It's what they get for canceling "Daria".
> Marrissa was the one with riding experience, she'd won the darned
>Belmont Stakes after all.
MIKE: Actually, I believe the horse won the race - she was just along for
the ride.
TOM: Kinda like us, huh?
MIKE: Yes, only with less wailing and gnashing of teeth.
> True rinnebeasts weren't horses, they were
>lizards who ran on their rear legs.
CROW: Mike, is Steve Tyler a rinnebeast?
MIKE: It's possible.
> How much further was this Capital City
TOM: o/` It's a long long wait while I'm sitting in committee... o/`
>and why the heck didn't it have a nice paved road with coaches running back
>and forth going to it?
TOM: The Craig T. Nelson Taxi service. For all your travel needs.
> "Pardon me, young lady, but you look as if you aren't having a good
>time," Cedric, the minstrel said.
TOM: [Clara, sarcastic] Oh, I'm *so* sorry! Shall I frolic and gambol to
keep you from feeling sad?!
> "I'm riding a beast I've barely ever rode before, in a dusty road,
>under the hot sun, and you think I should be having a good time?" Clara
>muttered.
CROW: Sure! What's not to like?
> "I know what you need," Cedric said. "We need a traveling song."
ALL: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
> A traveling song.
MIKE: Yes, as bad as an idea as it seemed, a traveling song.
> That brought horror stories to Clara's mind.
CROW: Endless Grateful Dead songs. Over and over and over...
>Shayna's rendition of "the Laughing Vulcan and his Dog," for instance had
>particular vivid memories of a near lynching. Then there had been that
>field trip.
CROW: And the ensuing wackiness, zaniness, and biochemical warfare.
> It had taken a week for her to get those darn Disney songs out
>of her mind.
>
MIKE: Oh, thanks you so bloody much, Steve.
CROW: o/` Tale as old as time... o/`
MIKE: Don't you start.
CROW: It's a perfectly good song.
TOM: So is o/` I'm saiiiling away... o/`
CROW: AIIIEEE!!! o/` Setanopencoursetothevirginsea o/`
MIKE: Thank you.
> There once was a boy from Verlie
TOM: Who drank thirty-four cups of iced tea.
CROW: He went up to bed
TOM: Didn't go to the head
Both: So he woke up all covered in pee!
MIKE: [shaking head] I am never telling you guys camp stories again.
> His mother a chambermaid
> His father was a stable hand
TOM: Ooooh, it's one of *those* songs!
> Loyal Servants they were
TOM: It doesn't even rhyme!
CROW: That's that 'New Poetry' crap for you.
> The same was expected of him
> But the young boy, dreams he had
>
MIKE: Mainly, they involved Leah Remini and a tub of maple syrup.
> Oh the sea, the beautiful sea,
TOM: o/` Oh the beautiful sea. You and me, you and me, oh how
happy we'll be! o/`
> So far away, adventure it seems
CROW: For I'm Robin Hood, and I'm very good/
At avoiding the sheriff's eye...
> Let the wind blow me away
MIKE: [Clara] Oh yes, *please*...
> and someday a hero I'll be.
>
CROW: Which kind - the noble, god-like, "Superman" kind, or the brooding,
butt-kicking "Batman" kind?
TOM: As long as it ain't the whiny, angst-ridden "Spider-Man" kind, I'm
all right either way.
> By the time they stopped for lunch, Clara had forgotten her
>gripes.
>
MIKE: And focused tightly on burying Cedric neck deep in rinnebeast scat...
TOM: [Clara] Okay, if we kill him now, and dump the body in those woods...
> The late afternoon sun shimmered across the deep blue waters of
>Sapphire Bay, highlighting the tops of the waves. The Stargazer had just
>arrived and was dropping anchor off shore.
CROW: Hey, wait, we need that -
TOM: *Splash!*
CROW: Oh, never mind.
> As it was Second Watch,
MIKE: NBC was almost ready to take a look at the pilot.
>Marrissa was standing in the bow of the ship. As the anchor dropped, she
>pulled out her telescope.
TOM: [Marrissa] Hey, I can like, totally see into some guy's bedroom!
> Extending it, she scanned the shore. She
>avoided the town and the saucer,
CROW: Not to mention the village and the butter knife.
> as she wanted a feel for the normal
>culture, not what ever changes this renegade Captain had made.
CROW: So that's, like, bear-baiting, watching people get hung, and
tossing garbage into the streets.
> Riding
>along the coast on towards town she spied a young man on a strange beast.
MIKE: Shaggy and Scooby had arrived to solve the mystery.
> It looked like a lizard of some sort, running on it's hind legs.
CROW: [Marrissa] Sleestaks! Cool!
>It's fore legs seemed almost useless. It was a golden yellow in color and
>had a head like some illustration of a dragon Marrissa had once seen.
CROW: Ooh! A Frazetta!
TOM: [Sean Connery] I *am* the lasht one!
>After a moment's thought, she remembered the animal in her briefing, a
>rinnebeast.
MIKE: And remember, buy your rinnebeast from Team Goeway Rinnebeast this
month and you could get the first five months' financing at ten
percent off! And be sure to say hi to the Save Money Bunny!
> As the beast ran, the rider's dark blue cloak with gold edging
>billowed out behind him.
CROW: Gainsborough's "Blue Boy with Sauropod".
> The sun glinted off the hilt of his sword, as it
>was revealed in the rippling wind.
TOM: [Marrissa] Well hey! Is that a banana in his pocket or is he just
glad to see me!
> The rider's cowl fell back, revealing
>his medium length blond hair.
CROW: AAAHHHH!!! It's a Backstreet Boy!!!!
[The Bots dive behind their seats]
MIKE: Get a grip, you two - it's just Prince Avery.
BOTS: Oh. [Crow & Tom return to their seats]
> Prince Avery pulled up his rinnebeast by the West shore gate to
>Odyssey Castle.
TOM: Taking advantage of the valet parking there.
> He was probably going to get a lecture from his father
>about his ride.
CROW: [Avery] Boy, he always gripes just cuz I bring the lizard back with
an empty tank!
> The Duchess of Castrome was due in any day, especially
>since the Duchess preferred sea travel, and he was expected to be there.
>He was hoping that this meant he could get his choice of bride.
MIKE: [Waiter reading specials] The bride tonight comes in your choice of
Sarah Michelle Gellar, Angelina Jolie, or Gillian Anderson.
CROW: I'll try one of each, please. Rowr!
> Never mind
>that he hadn't seen Hayley since she was five.
TOM: Never mind that that had just been last year.
> She was definitely his
>choice.
CROW: Okay, now this is just getting creepy!
MIKE: At least he waited this long.
> Avery just plain hated all the other proposed candidates.
MIKE: He was voting for Nader!
> And all
>this haggling and looking over by various ambassadors was making him feel
>like he was a rinnebeast at action.
TOM: Prince Avery *is* Agent Action!
> He got off his mount.
MIKE: Remember, don't exploit symbolism without warming up first.
> His father had a quainter and older expression for it. A piece of
>horse flesh.
TOM: A Big Mac?
> Horses were rare on this planet, none were currently in
>Ellosia.
MIKE: No one having made the connection that riding the horses and
immediately eating them might have something to do with that...
> The Patriarch claimed to have ridden one when he attended a
>Church Council in Ferigal.
CROW: Of course, he also claimed it talked about "Wilbur", so his reportage
wasn't exactly taken at face value.
> Avery thought that the Patriarch was becoming
>senile.
MIKE: Although it certainly *was* possible that giant ants were stealing
his morning coffee to give to the Tri-Lateral Commission.
> This was not an uncommon thought among the young nobles of
>Ellosia,
TOM: Boy, a Patriarch commits his people to dynastic war with the bunnies
*four* times, and he never hears the end of it.
> and to tell the truth, among the elders as well.
MIKE: The Deacons, too. The church board's going to vote on him next week.
> Avery's father
>said that such beasts were once preferred over rinnebeasts.
CROW: For their lack of taste for human flesh for one thing...
> Avery stroked
>the supple skin over the left eye of his rinnebeast, if his father said it,
>it probably was true. Though Avery couldn't see why.
CROW: Ratliff, whatever you've been taking, stop taking it.
TOM: And if you're not taking anything, maybe you should start.
> His personal mount
>may have not been one of the prize blue green calvary beasts of Fasstime
TOM: [Spicoli] All I need are some tasty waves, a cool rinnebeast, and
I'm fine.
>or like the dark gold special royal breeds (his own gold was considered too
>light in color)
MIKE: I imagine Threadfall will be coming soon.
> with their steady and precise gait, but he couldn't find
>anything wrong that would make some horse a preference.
CROW: You mean aside from the fact they're NOT GIANT FREAKING LIZARDS?!?
> The chamberlain met him
MIKE: Wilt the Stilt!
TOM: He had to scramble to get all 10,000 girls out of the castle before
the Prince got back!
> as he handed off his rinnebeast to the
>stable hand.
CROW: And Stablehand passes to Chamberlain, who lays it up for a truly
spectacular full-court basket!
> "Your highness, where have you been?" the thin man with white
>hair said, trembling.
TOM: [Avery] Just checking out the subplot!
> "Your father has been looking all over for you."
MIKE: [Chamberlain] He looked in the dining room, the parlor, the upstairs
maid's bedroom, everywhere.
CROW: [Chamberlain] Yeah, both he *and* the upstairs maid searched her
bedroom *very* thoroughly for fifteen whole minutes - she was so
distressed when they couldn't find you that she cried out several
times.
MIKE: You just *had* to take that too far, didn't you?
CROW: Of course!
> "I was out checking on the Dunstlay Fields," Avery said. "It was a
>nice five mile ride. Did you know that they are planting the new grain in
>them this year?"
CROW: [Chekov] Aaaah, qvadrotriticale!
> "I did not, but you father needs you," the chamberlain said.
MIKE: [Chamberlain] He's got a June bug cornered in the basement, and he
wants you to finish it off.
> "The
>Duchess's ship has just come in the harbor, and they are expecting her at
>the palace dock any minute.
TOM: [Chamberlain] Hurry! Put on your ape suit and help bury the castle!
> You've not time to change, so I guess your
>riding outfit will have to do. Hurry now."
>
CROW: So Marrissa saw all that dialogue through her telescope?
> Marrissa called out the cadence as she steered the Captain's gig
>toward the dock. "Stroke, Stroke."
MIKE: The crew responded " White Stripes! White Stripes!"
> The Duchess and her daughter were in
>the bow.
TOM: All tied up nice and neat. It was a really big package with a very
elaborate ribbon.
> Behind her, the ship's boat was taking Commander La Forge to the
>harbor to arrange shore lodgings and deliver the Duchess's luggage to her
>residence in town.
MIKE: [LaForge] *Ooof!* Geez, how many cases of Revlon does she need?!
TOM: From Chief Engineer to bellhop. Ratliff's really done a number on
poor Geordi, hasn't he?
CROW: Forget about poor Geordi, what about poor us?
> They moved toward the dock. "Raise oars, toss the rope
>ashore!" Marrissa ordered.
CROW: o/` Raise oars, toss the rope ashore, Hallelujah! o/`
> As protocol demanded,
TOM: [C-3P0] Protocol? Why, it's my primary function!
> Marrissa climbed off
>first,
MIKE: But *only* because protocol demanded. Definitely *not* because
Lieutenant Commander Saskatchewan back a few chapters was right.
> to help the Duchess and her daughter off.
MIKE: [Marrissa] No, no, the *other* side, the *other* -
TOM: *SPLASH!*
MIKE: [Marrissa] Well, you're the royalty.
> "Thank you, Lieutenant," the Duchess said, as she climbed out.
>Marrissa made to return to the boat and the ship, but the Duchess stopped
>her.
CROW: [Duchess] We've rented you for the whole afternoon, Marrissa.
> "If you don't mind, I'd like to introduce you to the King, since your
>Captain and First Mate were not able to come."
TOM: [Marrissa, quickly] Oh I couldn't possibly well all right let's go say
is this guy married or what.
> "I'm sorry for causing that problem, your grace," Marrissa said.
>"I should have been more careful, and not knocked the Captain off the back
>of the ship."
CROW: [Marrissa] We probably should've gone back and found him or something.
MIKE: It *was* an accident, mind you, and not her bumping off the grownups
and taking charge by reflex.
> "There was no harm done," the Duchess said.
TOM: [Duchess] We're lucky Triton took pity and turned the Captain into
a merman and master of the oceans. We can only hope his courting
of Scylla goes well.
> "The Captain can
>probably get an appointment with the King any day, as he's known to make
>time to talk to the Captains of his merchant ships.
CROW: Aw, no - if the King and Picard agree to swap places for the day, I'm
outta here.
> The King has often
>remarked that his best information on this island nation about other
>countries comes that way.
TOM: Obviously, he hasn't checked out www.islandnationnews.org yet.
> However, it's not every day that a third mate
>gets to meet the King, and it's not every day that the King gets to meet a
>female third mate.
>
MIKE: Much less the first female third mate to switch-hit over thirty home
runs in a season in both leagues.
>--
>Stephen Ratliff
>
>"But let him Dream" - Robert Picard, TNG's "Family"
>
TOM: Well, there's one good thing I can say about this segment.
MIKE: What's that?
TOM: It's over.
>From stephenratliff@crosswinds.net Tue Jan 01 00:28:47 2002
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW TNG Royal and Prime Directives 4/16 [PG] (Marrissa Stories)
>From: Stephen Ratliff <stephenratliff@crosswinds.net>
>Date: Tue, 01 Jan 2002 06:28:47 GMT
>
>Title: Royal and Prime Directives
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
MIKE: I prefer the term 'Perpetrator', myself.
>Contact: stephen at trekiverse dot org
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories
>Part: NEW 4/16 Serialized Weekly
>Rating:
MIKE: Negative twenty on a one to ten scale.
> [PG]
>Summary: The Enterprise-E investigates a planet where a starship Captain
>who crashed 20 years ago has been ruling a small nation
>
TOM: Cambodia.
>Chapter Three: Life in Odyssey
>
CROW: Starring... Jean-Luc Picard as Danny Thomas!
MIKE: Beverly Crusher as Ann Southern!
CROW: Will Riker as Danny Thomas!
TOM: Marrissa Picard as Shelly Fabares!
MIKE: Geordi LaForge as Danny Thomas!
TOM: Clarissa Sutter as Joyce Randolph!
CROW: And, of course, Data, as Danny Thomas!
> Marrissa met her father and the Stargazer's Command Crew at the
>Golden Rinnebeast Inn. It was a quant Inn in Marrissa's opinion.
CROW: A quantum inn?
TOM: Any minute now, Archer's gonna leap into Picard and mutter "Oh Boy".
> It was of what Marrissa would term a Tudor style,
CROW: Speaking of which, I just let out a little Tudor.
MIKE: [Sniffs] Man! Crow, did you have scrambled eggs and red beans for
breakfast again?
CROW: I like how they taste together!
> thick dark beams
>with panels of white mud plaster
MIKE: o/` Knights in white mud plaster! o/`
> composing the wall. Someone had gotten
>creative along the beam above the door, carving a dragon in relief.
CROW: Oh! A dragon! What a relief!
> She
>stepped though the door, just as the afternoon rain began in earnest.
CROW: Jim Varney stars in "Star Trek XII: Ernest in Space"!
MIKE: [Ernest] KnowhuddImean, Cap'n Vern?
> The Innkeeper's wife noticed Marrissa's outfit and the badge she
>wore on her shoulder
TOM: [Wife] Hmm, I wonder what that big red letter "A" means?
> "You would be the Third Mate I was told to expect?"
>she asked.
MIKE: [Imitates shotgun being cocked]
> "Lieutenant Marrissa Picard at your service," Marrissa said.
TOM: [Marrissa] Avoid the rush. Surrender to me now.
CROW: Hey, if this is all vaguely medieval setting, shouldn't they spell
those s's so they look like f's?
MIKE: Yeah, so she'd be Marriffa Picard.
CROW: Carry on, Marriffa!
> "Your First Mate purchased your own room for you, it's the second
>one on the left on the third floor," the Innkeeper's wife said.
MIKE: Third one on the right for the fourth floor.
CROW: Two rights, then the third room on the left.
TOM: Up, left, down one room, right, up again.
> "He wanted
>to see you as soon as you arrived. He's on the second floor, first door on
>the left."
TOM: [Innkeeper's Wife] Or was it the first floor- oh forget it!
> "Thank you," Marrissa said. "May I inquire as to when dinner is
>served?"
CROW: [hostess] About twenty minutes after I check the traps.
> "When the church bell chimes six," the Innkeeper's wife said. "It's
>an extra two pence."
CROW: Fourth down on your left.
> "I shall be there," Marrissa said,
MIKE: [Marrissa] Or I shall be square!
> before heading up the stairs.
>
CROW: Readers - don't reveal the outcome of the gripping "Check-In and
Dinnertime" scene to your friends!
> Marrissa opened the door to Commander Riker's quarters. "Reporting
>as ordered, sir," she said.
TOM: [Marrissa] What's with the candles?
CROW: [Riker] Just trying to blend in with the natives. C'mere, kid...
TOM: [Marrissa] Is that Barry White?
> "Lieutenant, you have some explaining to do," Riker said.
TOM: [Riker] How come Data gets better billing than me?
MIKE: [ditto] Why did they make me shave my beard after First Contact?
CROW: [tritto] Scott *Bakula?*
> "You do
>not under push anyone overboard at any time,
MIKE: Not even if it's Bernie Kopell!
> and most especially the
>Captain."
CROW: [Riker] When he dies, it shall be by my hand!
> "But if the..." Marrissa began.
> "I'm not asking for your excuses, Lieutenant," Riker continued.
TOM: [Marrissa] You're not? Darn! 'Cause I had this really good one
about a Ferengi and a couple of Vulcans and a can of cheez spread!
>"We did not have to include you on this mission,
TOM: Come to think of it, why WAS she included on this mission? They
could've gone without her.
MIKE: And have this be a *normal* Star Trek fanfic?
CROW: Isn't that sort of a contradiction in terms?
> and if you hadn't already made
>yourself too well known, you would be on your way back to the Enterprise.
CROW: Yeah I'd hate if they sent me back to all those 24th century comforts
instead of keeping me in the land of the medieval lizard riders.
>If you ever do something like that again, you will be confined aboard the
>Stargazer for the rest of the mission, and we will be having another talk
>about this when we return.
MIKE: [Riker] You don't get the other half until you finish whacking old
Cueball! Remember that!
> Do I make myself perfectly clear, Lieutenant?"
TOM: After using new All-Purpose Windex (tm)? You bet!
> "Yes sir!" Marrissa said. "Will that be all sir?"
MIKE: [Riker] Not just yet. Do you think I'd be good as the lead actor
for a remake of "Big Top Pee-Wee"? Tell me honestly.
> "For now, Lieutenant," Riker said. "The Captain will met us at
>dinner. Dismissed."
CROW: [Riker] And try not to become royalty this time!
> Marrissa turned smartly and
TOM: ...Smacked face first into the wall.
MIKE: [Riker] Umm... The door's over there, Marrissa.
> moved quickly out of the room. It was
>not until she got to the room that she was assigned that she broke down in
>tears.
>
CROW: [Marrissa] Dangit, he got me a room without HBO!! How could he?!
TOM: She aches just like a women, but breaks just like a little girl.
> The dinner was rather somber.
MIKE: [Somberly] Would you like to try our Pizza Feast-a Wackyzilla Super
Sampler Platter tonight?
> The main course was a thin bread
>pocket with a meat and vegetable filling.
MIKE: Ah, Ye Olde Hotte Pockettes.
TOM: Could've been worse. Economy service was uncooked fish sticks.
> It was served hot, with plenty of
>ale to drink. Marrissa asked for milk instead of the ale, and got some for
>a little more money.
CROW: Free Booze with every meal! Nourishing drinks slightly extra.
> She ate her meal slowly, avoiding looking at anyone.
TOM: But remembering to chew twenty times before swallowing.
>Riker and Calgary were seated across from her, and every time she looked at
>Calgary,
MIKE: ...that blob of mustard on his chin made her burst out giggling.
> his sneering expression made her feel like she was a failure.
TOM: Playing the part of Lieutenant Calgary - Draco Malfoy!
>Oh, she knew her reasoning was good. Captain York knew her father.
CROW: [Mr. B] Knew your father, I did!
> If they
>came into contact too early, the mission could fail.
MIKE: You know, you'd think the captain would let Riker in on unimportant
little details like that.
> That's why she had
>pushed her father overboard.
TOM: Plus, after a month at sea, he needed a good bath.
> He couldn't go meet the King all wet.
MIKE: Wouldn't it have been easier if Marrissa simply *told* Picard rather
than unexpectedly pushed him off.
CROW: Admit it, Marrissa, you always wanted to do that to him.
> But
>Riker wouldn't listen,
CROW: And why should he have?
MIKE: [Vince McMahon] Because I'm Marrissa Amber Flores Picard, dammit!
> and Calgary, well Calgary was basking in the joy of a
>man who thinks he's just been proved right.
TOM: Man! I know that feeling! Right, losers?
MIKE: Yeah, well I don't care what Trivial Pursuit says, the capital of
Florida *should* be Miami is all I have to say.
> Captain Picard arrived in the Inn's dinning area. The Captain sat
>down next to Marrissa, sliding his chair closer with a scraping sound.
CROW: That's just his soul shredding again. Pay it no mind.
>"Ah, Missus Bath, I could I trouble you for a helping of your famous meat
>pie?" he said.
CROW: That is the weirdest pickup line I've ever heard!
MIKE: [The Rock] The Picard likes... Pie!
> "Here you go," the Innkeeper's wife replied, placing a plateful in
>front of him, along with a cup of ale.
MIKE: Thursdays, wet bald captains drink free.
> "Enjoy your meal, Captain."
TOM: [Generic foreign accent] May I tell you something? May I tell you
something? Enjoy your meal! Hee-HEE!
> The Innkeeper's wife left the room to tend to other duties as the
>Captain dug into his meal. It took only a few moments for the Captain to
>figure out the mood of the room.
CROW: Gee, and he managed it without Little Miss "I sense great danger".
> "Mister Calgary, I've been meaning to talk
>to since before we left the ship," the Captain said.
MIKE: [Picard] Tell me, have you ever heard of a thing called "Amway"?
> "I understand you have
>some problems working with my daughter."
TOM: [Picard] What the hell's wrong with you Canadians, anyway?
MIKE: That's right, Tom, stoke the fire... I just hope they never get
nuclear capacity.
> Marrissa looked up at Calgary and then at her father.
TOM: She wondered which of them to kill first.
> This was not
>what she expected to hear when her father arrived.
MIKE: She'd been waiting for the drunken belches and the non-stop cussing.
> However, Calgary still
>had that smug expression on his face that had depressed Marrissa.
CROW: The part of Calgary will be played by Pernell Roberts.
MIKE: [Pernell] My job. My way.
> "I find her qualifications lacking," Calgary stated.
TOM: [Darth Vader] I find her lack of qualifications disturbing.
> "I see, and have you always had this problem respecting superior
>officers?" Picard said in an even tone.
CROW: Fwah...? "Superior"? They're both lieutenants, for pity's sake!
MIKE: Yeah, but Marrissa the Superior lieutenant, just cuz she's Marrissa.
Crow. Oh. Yeah.
> Calgary's expression blanked. The color drained from his face.
TOM: [Marrissa, thinking] The poison's kicked in! Excellent!
>There was only one reply that he could make to that question. "I respect
>all of my superior officers," he stammered.
CROW: [Calgary] Except for you, ya Limey frog Bastard! I mean - D'OH!!!!
> "See that you do," Picard said. "You'll probably have to work with
>Marrissa a lot during this mission, and I don't want any problem from
>either of you."
MIKE: [Picard] Is that understood? Any more bickering and I will turn this
ship *right* around and head home.
BOTS: Yes, Mom.
> "Yes sir," Marrissa and Calgary responded in unison.
TOM: [Marrissa] Well done, my pet.
CROW: [Picard] As you command, Dark One.
> "Now, Marrissa, tell me about your visit to the Palace," Picard
>asked.
TOM: [Marrissa] I signed a contract to do two shows nightly, and I'm
opening for Tony Bennett starting next week.
> "Not much to say, sir," Marrissa replied.
CROW: They closed the little teacups ride.
> "I brought the Duchess
>and her daughter to the royal dock and let her off.
MIKE: [Marrissa] We probably should've let her off on the side facing the
dock, but hey, live and learn.
> The King and his son
>met us there, and asked a few questions."
CROW: Then they advanced to the lightning round, where the value of the
questions is doubled.
> "What did he ask about?" Riker asked.
MIKE: [Marrissa] He wanted to know how the Vikings did.
> "How long our trip was, and if we encountered any problems,"
>Marrissa said.
TOM: [Marrissa] Also what the ending of "Seinfeld" was. They're really
behind on this planet.
> "Fairly standard stuff. He seemed rather keen on if we had
>encountered any Rogian ships, which we haven't."
TOM: I bet Picard's busy looking for Rogain ships, too!
CROW: He's not only the captain - he's also a client.
> "Marrissa, describe the King and the rest of the welcoming party,"
>Picard said, as he scraped his plate clean.
[All groan]
CROW: That's it, Jean-Luc - just give her an excuse to make up another
long, pointless list!
> "The king appears to be an aged man,
MIKE: [Connoisseur] Oh, an 1845 Monarch. A *very* good year for kings.
> with a well kept white beard.
TOM: Cameron Mitchell in a role so rare it will give you E. Coli!
>His clothing was a long purple robe, with gold stitching to make it look
>more formal.
CROW: [Austin Powers] And that's all he wore, too! Groovy, baby, ye-heah!
> He wears a rather simple crown.
MIKE: [Marrissa] It says he's the king of someplace called "Burger".
> His son is sixteen according
>to Lady Hayley.
TOM: [Marrissa] He keeps saying he's "going to be seventeen", though.
It's so annoying.
> He was wearing a dark blue tunic with black pants, and dark
>blue cloak.
MIKE: We believe him to be on "Miami Vice".
> He was accompanied by several soldiers dressed in the royal
>crest
CROW: Recommended by 4 out of 5 Kings who have their lackeys brush their
teeth for them.
> and a stout man with a red beard dressed entirely in black.
TOM: Wait a minute... Stout, red beard, dressed in black... My God! It's
Yukon Cornelius!
> The stout
>man was never introduced, but he was constantly looking around and
>examining things intently."
MIKE: Will all this be on the test?
> "That does sound like a good description of Chief Harlan, the
>Odyssey's Security Chief," Picard said. "Was the Queen there?"
CROW: RuPaul?
> "No, the King apologized for her absence, she's apparently ill,"
>Marrissa said.
TOM: The illness set in shortly after the King had her beheaded.
> "Okay, the Doctor and her party should be coming into town some time
>tomorrow," Picard said. "I'll be meeting her in the market.
MIKE: [Picard] In the cereal aisle, over next to the Count Chocula.
> Meanwhile,
>Commander Riker, I want you to see what you can learn from other seamen in
>the local bars.
[Silence]
MIKE: Whatever you're thinking, fellas - don't.
TOM: Don't look at me - I'm too scared of that sentence to even breathe.
CROW: You're a bot, Servo - you don't *have* to breathe!
TOM: Oh. *Wheeew!* [pause] Heeeeey...
> Marrissa, Lieutenant Calgary, pair up and investigate the
>town.
TOM: Five bucks says Edmonton "accidentally" falls off a building.
MIKE: Calgary.
TOM: Whatever.
> I want to know any technological improvements you may find.
CROW: [Picard] Specifically if they have DSL.
> Remember
>this is supposed to be a fourteenth century level planet.
MIKE: [Picard] If you see someone who's bathed and not infested with lice,
be suspicious.
> Set up some other
>teams, Security and Engineering pairings, to help you.
TOM: What? A Starfleet crew just up and taking over a planet isn't enough
to take them in?
> La Forge will remain
>on the Stargazer and observe the seaside comings and goings from the Castle.
CROW: Once again, the crappiest possible job is reserved for Commander Load.
>Any questions?"
TOM: Is Bob Barker as nice in person as he seems on TV?
> After a moments pause, he pushed back his chair. "Then I
>suggest we all get a good night's sleep."
>
MIKE: Well, that wasted a good half-page.
> Prince Avery entered the bedroom of his ailing mother. It pained
>him to see the once active Queen laying in her bed, coughing.
CROW: So he left.
> Last year she
>would have accompanied Avery on his ride, on her own deep gold rinnebeast,
>with her long gray curly hair streaming behind her.
MIKE: Her lizard has long curly hair?
> It had been a month
>since she had even seen outside, except through the large window in her
>room, but that was practically a sky light, for all the view it offered.
TOM: It's only good for making sure the place retains no heat whatsoever.
> "Good evening, honored mother, may I hope that you are getting
>better?" Avery inquired,
MIKE: I bet she spends the whole time complaining how he never comes to
visit her.
> coming to kneel next to his mother's bedside, and
>taking her hand in his.
> "Avery, I'm not going to get better," the Queen said. "I'm dying."
TOM: Well, sure, with *this* act!
> "Surely the Odyssey has something to make you better," Avery said.
CROW: [Queen] Yep. Just hand me that bottle of booze from 10-Forward
and I'll be a-a-a-all better in no time!
>"You said that this was a ship from the heavens. Such a ship would have to
>have miracle cures."
MIKE: Not only that, it has this miracle cleaner that harnesses the pure
natural power of orange oil!
> "Avery, we took apart everything that we could that didn't fit," the
>Queen said.
TOM: [Queen] I had to tear up my Comic Book collection.
> "Even if there was something that could cure me, it hasn't been
>in this castle for over fifteen years."
MIKE: That's a long time to be out of Tylenol Plus.
> "Why did you do that?" Avery said. "You could have done lots of
>good with all of that."
CROW: Billions of credits put into their ship and their training, and it
turns out they're just too dumb to use it.
> "Because it wouldn't have been right," the Queen rasped.
MIKE: It's Queen Donna Corleone.
CROW: [Brando] I spent my whole life trying not to be careless. Dukes and
princes can be careless. But not queens.
> "Why?"
> "Ask you father about the Prime Directive," the Queen said.
[All laugh]
CROW: So King Whatsit has no problem with seizing power from the local
hicks, but won't lift a finger to cure wifey's consumption?!?
MIKE: Sounds like he's got his royal eye on Her Grace, Princess Sandee.
>Now let me rest. I want to be able to last to at least your betrothal."
> "You mean they've decided who I get to marry?" Avery said.
> "Your father has," the Queen replied, settling down to rest.
CROW: [Avery] So what's she like?
TOM: [Queen] Well, she's - uh - she has a very nice personality.
CROW: [Avery] AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!! NOT THAT!!!!
> Avery left the room with much on his mind. What was this Prime
>Directive?
TOM: It's the fantastic elastic plot point that can do anything you need.
It's brassy, it's sassy, it gets you into or out of a story faster
even than random explosions. It encourages cheap, false drama and
gets you out of real conflict. *Now* how much would you pay for
the Prime Directive?
> Why did was it preventing his mother from getting well?
MIKE: Why did was that sentence not make a whole lot of sense?
>And more importantly, who would he get to marry?
CROW: And back to the sex again.
TOM: So Avery can't go for more than five minutes without thinking
about sex?
MIKE: He'd have thought about it sooner, but his Mom was in the room.
> Oh he hoped it would
>be Lady Hayley. She was so cute. In fact she was beautiful.
>
CROW: [Avery] Too bad about mom wasting away and dying painfully like that.
Oh well. Boy, I hope they hook me up with a hottie!
MIKE: Well, at least he's not wallowing in his grief.
> An hour latter, Prince Avery wandered into the place garden.
TOM: He'd tried the person orchard and the thing grove, but it just
wasn't the same.
>It was one of the few areas open to the sky in the palace.
TOM: The sky's been banned from most other places for security reasons.
> He wandered among
>the roses and rare flowers, occasionally stopping to smell a few, as his
>tutor had suggested when he was small.
CROW: *Sniff* ... oh, no, this flower smells of poi...sonnnnn...nnned....
> The prince hadn't been in the garden
>long when he heard the voice of his father speaking to Lord Harlan.
MIKE: [King] We gotta change the Script to "City on the Edge of Forever".
TOM: [Harlan] No way, man!
> "So you can't confirm what her Grace told us," the King said.
MIKE: Princess Grace?
TOM: Peyton Place?
CROW: Trouble in the Suez?
> "No, sir. I have found no evidence of a plot yet," Harlan said.
MIKE: Why do you mock us so, Ratliff?
CROW: I prefer to think of it as his inner conscience, rebelling
against all the terrible stories he's produced.
>"That does not mean there isn't one, though."
CROW: [King] I just know the Underwear Gnomes are conspiring against me!
> "Such a plot does make sense," the King said.
TOM: Glinn Gusat said it did.
> "Lady Hayley is heir
>to both Castrome and Avtra. Whoever marries her will be the most powerful
>man in the Kingdom,
MIKE: [King] And no, I'm not counting John Ashcroft.
> especially if he comes from either of the other
>dukedoms."
CROW: At least until the people find out "Castrome" and "Avtra" are just a
motor oil and a cheap brand of TVs, anyway.
> "That's why I advised against your matching Desiree, Duchess of
>Castrome
MIKE: And Queen of the Desert.
> with Lord Elden of Avtra," Harlan said.
CROW: Huh? Murphy Brown's house painter is nobility?
> "I know, but it solved the problem," the King replied.
TOM: Which was...?
MIKE: It's giving us exposition under the guise of a conversation,
and that's all it needs to do.
> "It gave
>Desiree a chance to rule.
TOM: She had to be fast, she had to be strong, she had to be wiser.
> The Duke of Avtra withdrew his objections, and
>the regency council solved the rest."
CROW: [King] Now, let's get back to tearing up the Treaty of Westphalia and
return to serious religious faith-promoting warfare.
> "You could have solved it without uniting the lineage of two of the
>ducal lines," Harlan said.
MIKE: But they were from the same ducal line.
TOM: Oh, right. Hey, how's their new baby?
MIKE: He's a radish with teeth and hair.
TOM: Excellent.
> "Perhaps," the King replied. "But look at what I've gained.
TOM: [King] A hotel! On Park Place, no less!
>Lord Elden has turned into an able and loyal administrator for the crown.
CROW: [King] And Optimus Prime has turned into an 18-wheeler.
>Duchess Desiree is the much beloved ruler of Castrome, who also feels
>indebted to the crown.
MIKE: She owes the king thirty large.
> The kingdom has remained a peace,
TOM: You want a peace?!! Huh? Huh?! HUH?!!
> and everyone
>praises my leadership abilities."
MIKE: [King] Plus, I've become quite adept at backstory narration.
> "They think you are some sort of saint come down from heaven,"
>Harlan said.
CROW: Yeah, Saint Garth of Izar - patron saint of clutching, cruddy
megalomaniacal Starfleet captains.
> "And what about that problem when Drake, Earl of Avtra was
>murdered seven years ago?"
MIKE: [King] Hey, I had an alibi. I was golfing! In Chicago! I cut my
own hand in the hotel room! Really!
> "That had no relation to the Castrome problem," the King said. "It
>was because Drake couldn't keep his hands of the Earl of Dunsen's four
>lovely daughters.
TOM: Hey, who can?
> I had hoped that that saint idea would die down over time."
MIKE: Well, it's kinda lost its appeal in New Orleans, but otherwise...
> "Forget about that idea," Harlan said. "The common people have
>spoken.
TOM: Which explains why "Survivor" is still on the air.
> Even if you die a normal death, or even are killed in battle,
>someone, sometime, is going to claim you never died, and were assumed into
>heaven.
MIKE: Or you'll be spotted scarfing down Big Macs at the Avtra Mickey D's.
> Your grave location will be lost, and before long they'll be
>telling tales of Good King Richard."
MIKE: Hey, that reminds me of a story I wrote on spec about -
TOM: Mike, if you pull that old "Good Will Hunting" gag one more time...
MIKE: Okay, okay, it's just a joke!
CROW: And it's been the *same* joke for the last 4 years!
> "That, my old friend, is my nightmare," the King said.
CROW: The last thing a King wants is to be beloved and well-remembered
and longed for by his people for centuries after his passing.
TOM: Maybe he should start a reign of arbitrary terror.
> "Come,
>Avery, you don't need to hide in the bushes, my son."
MIKE: Jeb and Neil can no longer shield him from prosecution.
> Avery approached his father and his father's advisor. "I'm sorry if
>my presence interrupted something, father."
MIKE: [King] Well, ya been doin' it for 16 years, kid - don't start
apologizing for it now!
> "No, it didn't, at least nothing I didn't want your opinion on," the
>King said.
CROW: Mike, my parsing subroutine is throwing a Quadrupal Negative Error.
TOM: Same here, buddy. Just click "Ignore" and move on.
> "My opinion?"
CROW: [King] Does this cape go with these pants? They don't look right for
some reason.
> "Yes, Avery. Someday you will be King,
TOM: [Mufasa] And all of the Pride Lands will be yours.
> and it's problems like the
>ones I've been discussing with Lord Harlan that you'll have to solve. Now
>how much did you hear?"
MIKE: [Samwise Gamgee] Something about - the end of the world.
> "Just some discussion about some sort of plot involving Lady Hayley
>and then how you're perceived among the people."
CROW: Latest New York Times/Gallup poll has you up a quarter-point in the
flash overnight phone bank surveys, if that helps.
> "Lord Harlan, perhaps you'd like to brief my son on what the Duchess
>of Castrome informed us."
TOM: So this is a medieval spin session?
CROW: I guess.
> "Of course, sir. My prince, this afternoon Duchess Desiree of
>Castrome arrived by sea and asked to see the King.
MIKE: I hope this won't become one of those Imzadi love triangles.
> When she was able to get
>alone with the King and his chief advisors,
CROW: [Harlan] She showed them why she was once known as the "Queen of
the Cake-Jumpers"!
> she informed us that her
>husband, Lord Elden,
TOM: Of the famed marbles.
> had been approached by Lord Henry of Fasstime.
TOM: [Spicoli] No shirt, no shoes, no duke!
MIKE: Learn it, know it, live it.
> Lord
>Henry proposed that he marry Lady Hayley and insinuated that such a move
>could result in 'a shift in the leadership of the Kingdom.'
MIKE: Specifically, about 4 feet to the right.
> He was no doubt
>unaware of Lord Elden's involvement in the ruling of Castrome, and position
>as Chief Naval Architect for the Royal Navy.
CROW: Oh, that's good planning. I would've made him Chief Naval Architect
for the Department of Motor Vehicles or something silly.
> Lord Elden wisely said that he
>would think about it. He then talked to his wife, the Duchess, who set off
>immediately for Odyssey along with her oldest daughter."
TOM: And now we're all here. Which begs the question, "SO WHAT?!?"
CROW: Was there a flowchart attached to this thing? I'm feeling a little
lost.
> "What is Lord Elden doing now?" Avery asked.
MIKE: [Harlan] He's muttering to himself and fondling an ax. We put him
on a bus and are trying not to think about him.
> "He's taking care of the daily business of Castrome in his wife's
>absence,
CROW: He's the man of the castle, so long as the missus isn't around.
> and has contacted the Earl of Avtra to see if he's been approached
>as well."
MIKE: He's also checking on some virus warning someone sent him over e-mail.
> "That takes care of Avtra and Castrome, but what about Armedge?"
>Avery asked. "Has anyone found out if someone has approached either Duke
>Nolan or any of his three sons?"
TOM: Is Uncle Charlie in on the plan?
> "Good point, your highness, I'll check that as soon as we're done,"
>Harlan said.
MIKE: [Harlan] Lemme get my day-planner. Sorry, batteries are low on my
Palm Pilot.
> "And shouldn't Duke Lionel be informed about his son's ambitions?"
>Avery asked.
CROW: Nah, he's too busy playing with his toy trains.
> "Not at this stage, the Duke will want proof,
MIKE: 90 proof.
> and we don't have it
>yet," Harlan replied.
TOM: [Harlan] We have to wait until it's too late to do anything about it.
> "It does bring up another worrying point, though. We
>haven't heard from Duke Lionel in over a month.
CROW: [Harlan] And now that you mention it, all his letters keep coming back
signed "Lord Hen- I mean Duke Lionel".
> He usually sends weekly
>letters to the King, and the last one was rather short."
TOM: [Harlan] It just said "Dear King" and the rest of it was blank.
> "Still worried about the handwriting on that last sentence?" the
>King asked.
MIKE: Ow!
CROW: What is it?
MIKE: I just got a blinding flash of the obvious.
> "I am," Harlan replied.
TOM: [Harlan] Plus, we still don't know what that "All Your Base" line of
his meant.
> "I'm beginning to see your paranoia may be justified in this case,"
>the King said.
CROW: [King] Hmm, we haven't heard from Duke Lionel in months and his last
letter contains strange handwriting. Oh well! I'm not worried.
> "So, Avery, what would you do in my case?"
MIKE: [Avery] Crash my ship into a backward yahoo planet and take it over.
CROW: [King] *sniff* My son, today you are a man!
> "I'd marry Lady Hayley, taking her off the marriage market," Avery
>said.
ALL: Of course.
CROW: That's his solution for everything, including high humidity.
MIKE: I'm sorry, but the marriage market is fresh out of Lady Hayley. But
there's still plenty of Marrissa and Clara to go around!
> "Then I'd see if I can get Lord Henry to make a mistake that reveals
>his plot, and send him into exile."
CROW: So, his brilliant plan is to wait for somebody to blurt something out?
> "Well, I can't marry Lady Hayley, but you can and I will have her
>marry you," the King said.
TOM: Ah, sweet romance!
MIKE: Wish I could've gotten a sweet deal like that when I was his age.
CROW: Missed out on the bubblehead of your dreams, did you?
MIKE: Yeah... She ran off with the captain of the wrestling team. Last
time I saw her, her shift at Taco Hell had just ended.
TOM: [Pause] Your high school years were just one big ball o' suck,
weren't they?
MIKE: *sigh!* Pretty much...
> "I'll arrange for the betrothal early tomorrow.
>Lord Harlan, I want all my dukes in town by the end of the month,
CROW: [King] Even Coy and Vance.
> Lord Henry
>and Earl Cedric too."
MIKE: Wait a second, wasn't the minstrel's name Cedric too?
TOM: I think we just deduced a major plotline.
> "Very well, sire," Harlan said. "Is there anything else tonight?"
TOM: [King] Well, is "Two Towers" out on video yet?
CROW: [Harlan] Only in bootleg, sir.
TOM: [King] To the Bootleggery!
> "No, Harlan," the King said. "I'll see you early tomorrow." Lord
>Harlan rushed off to see to his tasks and the King turned to his son.
MIKE: [King] Son, don't ever loan that man any money.
> Avery had a big smile on his face.
TOM: Dude! You're gettin' a Dell!
> "I can't believe it," Avery whispered, sitting down on a bench.
> "You can't believe what?" the King said, sitting next to him.
MIKE: That it's not butter.
> "I got my choice for a bride," Avery said.
CROW: See, you gotta get to the Marriage Market early, so all the best
brides aren't taken.
> "All the times my tutors
>said that I wasn't going to get a chance to chose my bride, and I got the
>one I wanted."
[All hum "When You Wish Upon a Star"]
> "Only because it was a good move politically, Avery," the King said.
>"You are lucky in that respect. Your children probably won't be."
MIKE: Well, you could establish a constitutional democracy, and remove that
silly problem, but hey, if you'd prefer to hang onto outdated forms of
political systems...
> "And you listened to me about something important," Avery said.
>"I've never really been asked my opinion before. It was always do this."
CROW: [Avery] It's like I can form my own crew now! All made up of kids!
MIKE: [King] That's just crazy talk, boy!
> "Get use to it," the King said. "It's time you get some real
>experience.
TOM: [King] Because all the enemies are the same level as you.
> Until now, I've been just having you taught the things you need
>to know.
CROW: Tomorrow, we'll stop teaching you what you need to know and teach you
drivel and boilerplate instead.
> I should have brought you into my council before now, but I guess
>I didn't realize how grown up you are.
MIKE: [King] So what are you now? Sixteen? Seventeen? Sorry I haven't been
around much these day. You need some money?
TOM: Stephen Ratliff: We know drama. Well, we'd know it if we saw it.
> Starting tomorrow morning I want you
>at every morning meeting of my advisors."
MIKE: [King] We need to start building your tolerance to ass-kissing.
> "I guess that means I can't sleep in anymore," Avery said.
CROW: Sure you can! The advisors do it all the time!
TOM: This kid is Grade A leadership material.
> "You guessed right," the King said.
TOM: [Avery] What about my lessons where Merlin turns me into a squirrel
or a fish or whatever and I go running around and get into trouble,
and he bails me out?
CROW: [King] Oh, those will continue. You'll just have to turn into a
squirrel in the afternoons.
> "Father, what is the Prime Directive?" Avery asked.
TOM: [King] A plot device beyond all our understanding, son.
> "Who mentioned it?"
TOM: He just did, weren't you listening?
> "Mother did."
CROW: [King] Has she been skipping her little green pills again?
> "Come with me, Avery," the King said, standing up. "Today is
>apparently a big day for you."
>
MIKE: This is just like "Dune", except I haven't got a clue what's
going on.
TOM: In other words, it's just like "Dune".
> The King and his son climbed the long spiral staircase to the top
>of Odyssey Palace.
MIKE: [King] "Get the elevator," she said. "What for? We'll never use
it," I said. "Besides, the walking will do us good," I said...
I'm such a sack of doorknobs.
> It was seven levels from the garden to the top of the
>staircase.
CROW: ["Impossible Mission" villain] Stay awhile. Stay FOREVER!
> Avery expected them stop at each level, but his father pressed
>onto the top,
TOM: If they don't stop before they reach 25, they'll fall off the cliff
and lose that fabulous new car. But they'll be back for the Showcase
Showdown either way.
> pausing only to make sure the doors were closed properly.
MIKE: Because they weren't trying to heat the whole outdoors, for Pete's
sake.
>Finally, they reached the top.
CROW: [Avery] You okay, dad?
TOM: [Richard] *WHEEZE* *WHEEZE* Just - just *GASP! fine, son. Fit
*ACCCCK* as a fiddle. *WHEEEEEEEEEEEZE!*
> The King pulled a key out from under his
>outer tunic and opened the door. Avery had never been to the top room.
TOM: [Avery] Dad? Why does this door say "Killfloor"?
> They entered the large domed room.
MIKE: It was an exact replica of the Montana state capital building.
> The room had inclined desks
>running around most of it's walls,
TOM: Man, they must be tough to work at.
MIKE: Still, saves on floor space I guess.
> save two doors and a large floor to
>ceiling map of the world.
CROW: They've broken into an architecture school!
> The center of the room was a step down,
TOM: Well, be fair - after living in the royal palace, *any* place else
is bound to feel like a step down.
> and had
>railings around it, broken by four openings.
MIKE: So it's a ticket line, then?
> Towards the front of the room
>was a table with a scale terrain model of Ellosia.
CROW: Little orange flags marked the location of each and every Ellosian
Howard Johnson's.
> While there were several
>chairs at the desks along the walls, only two were in the center.
MIKE: The chairs are enjoying a rousing game of duck-duck-goose.
> One was
>on a raised platform, his father's, Avery assumed, and the other beside it,
>with a small slanted desk on it's right side.
TOM: This was known as "The Chair of Shame".
> "This, Avery, is known as the Map Room," the King said.
CROW: [King] Before we put the map here, we called it the "No Map" room.
> "It's were
>most of the details about running the kingdom are made.
MIKE: Right. This room and the Ye Olde Not a Despotic Starshippe Captain
Bar and Tavern.
> Very few actually
>are invited to it.
TOM: The Map Room is more exclusive than Studio 54.
> When this was a ship flying in the heavens, it was my
>Bridge.
CROW: [King] I bought it from this guy in Brooklyn...
> It was in that very seat that I was sitting in when the Odyssey
>crashed into Sappor."
TOM: [King] Yep. This is where I horribly crushed thousands of innocent
people to death under tons of metal.
CROW: [Avery] Cool! Can I sit in it?!
> "Wow," Avery said.
MIKE: Dialogue director Ben Stein.
> He was looking around the room, his attention
>caught by this little detail or that.
TOM: He's like a kitten in a yarn factory.
CROW: [King] Son, I'm worried you're missing the big picture he-
MIKE: [Avery] Look, dad! A Zagnut wrapper! A piece of lint! A penny!
> He had seen a lot of the Palace, and
>explored it's lower levels when he was younger,
CROW: When he accidentally fell into the Earth's core.
> but the top levels, that
>he'd never gone into. He'd never seen a map like what hung on the wall or a
>model so well detailed.
TOM: The king's big into Risk.
> It had ever town, road, and port. Small carved
>models, out of scale with the model, but still there, of the fleet were in
>the harbors, along with some vessels flagged merchant, like the Stargazer in
>Odyssey's harbor.
MIKE: Now that was an interstate freight train of a sentence...
CROW: [Stephen] I've got commas, and by God I'm going to use them!
> His father sat down in his chair, and motioned for Avery to sit in
>the other one.
MIKE: [Regis] You've got three lifelines, now let's play - WHO WANTS TO BE
HEIR TO THE THRONE?
> "This room is the most secure room in the Palace," the King
>said.
MIKE: 'Scuse it, yer highness, just passing through.
CROW: [falsetto] Hi, Richie - some party we all had list night, huh?
TOM: Hey, King where's the necessary? Gotta take a top secret whiz!
> "Anything said in it, goes no further that this room. In it, I ask
>my advisors to be candid.
MIKE: Only sometimes, Sir Allen of Funt carries things a bit too far.
> They can tell me I'm wrong,
TOM: [King] And I may be wrong for all I know. But I may be right.
> that I'm a fool,
>or even that I'm dooming the Kingdom,
CROW: So basically, it's like being on "Hardball".
> but it goes no further."
MIKE: [King] And when I kill them for daring to question me, no one hears
a thing!
> "You let them talk back to you, you're the king!" Avery
>interrupted.
TOM: [Yul Brynner] And when you are king you too will know everything.
> "Yes I am, but it doesn't mean I'm perfect," the King said.
CROW: [King] It just means I'm always right.
>"Sometimes I need people to remind me. This is where they can do so without
>endangering the crown.
MIKE: So he has to come here when he wants someone to disagree with him?
Seems like an unnecessarily complicated way to have someone contradict
you.
TOM: You're forgetting we're in Ratliff-land. If it seems like the
simplest solution would be the best, it's probably not.
> It's also where the secrets of the Kingdom are kept.
CROW: Down there are the brutally dissected bodies of secret alien visitors -
like his First Officer, his helmsman, his transporter chief...
>I'm going to let you in on some of them now, but I want you to understand
>that what I tell you goes no further.
MIKE: [Avery] Dad, we already learned about this in school.
> Some day, when you have a son that
>has grown in wisdom and trustworthiness,
CROW: Note: only sons may be wise and trustworthy.
> you may bring him in on the
>secrets, but please take the same precautions I have."
TOM: [King] Yes, wait until he's as repressed and bitter as I made you.
> "I will, Father."
MIKE: [Avery] I'll be sure that my son is smart, handsome, powerful,
perfect, and I'll trust him with the secrets of the universe!
> "Very well," the King said. "Perhaps I should start with how the
>Odyssey and I came to this planet.
[all groan]
TOM: Well, settle in guys, this won't take much more than forever!
MIKE: Haven't we already heard all this? Several times?
CROW: Stephen's granting the king equal time for rebuttal.
> A long time ago,
TOM: ...back when this story began...
> I was part of an
>organization called Star Fleet. We guarded a federation of planets, much
>like this one,
CROW: And occasionally held horse races for the giddy fun of it all.
> save that the technology was much more advanced.
TOM: [King] For example - have you ever heard of a thing called "Amway"?
>That Federation, know as the United Federation of Planets,
MIKE: The Department of Redundancy Department, an official branch of
Ratliff Inc.
> had gotten involved in
>a war with another nation, the Cardassians.
CROW: Fortunately, it was only a backstory war, so the casualties were
light, but all-important to the current plot.
> At the time war was declared,
>I had been a Captain for three years.
TOM: [dryly] He was probably the youngest Captain in existence as well.
> With my experience, and because of a
>couple early skirmishes I won before we declared war, I was assigned to
>command a squadron
CROW: They gave him a command based on acts of naked aggression?
TOM: Maybe this is the mirror universe.
CROW: Y'think?
MIKE: I dunno, I think we'd have seen the S&M version of Kira if it was.
> consisting of the Stargazer, the Custer,
TOM: *snort!*
MIKE: For some reason, his crew was not encouraged by this.
CROW: Lemme guess - the rest of his squad consisted of the USS McClellen,
the USS Cornwallis and the USS Westmoreland.
> the Connecticut,
>the Magna Carta and my own Odyssey.
TOM: [HAL] This is highly irregular, Dave.
> One day the squadron engaged three
>Cardassian warships. Two of them we destroyed easily, but one escaped.
CROW: [King] We'd have let it go, but we strongly suspected they were
going to say bad stuff about us.
>I ordered the Odyssey to pursue, and the other four ships to respond to
>another distress call.
MIKE: It was Bajor's cat stuck up a tree - again.
> That turned out to be a mistake.
CROW: [King] I should have suspected something when I noticed the distress
signals were sent from over Macho Grande.
> I have no idea
>what happened to the other ships, but the Odyssey ran into a ambush. We
>managed to survive it, somehow, but we lost the stardrive section..."
MIKE: Did you try retracing your steps from the last place you saw it?
> "The what?"
TOM: [King] The big thing.
> "The part that made this ship go," the King explained.
CROW: Fortunately we still had the part that made it stop.
>"and severely damaging the saucer section.
MIKE: But thankfully having no effect on the rhythm section.
> "What?"
CROW: Look, kid, stop asking questions or he'll *never* get through it!
> "This palace. We made it to this planet, but could not keep
>ourselves in orbit, nor call for help.
MIKE: Nor eat, nor bathe themselves, nor observe basic rules of hygiene,
nor...
> So we made a barely controlled
>crash-landing, which resulted in the near total destruction of the town of
>Sappor, and the total loss of the Ellosia royal family.
CROW: The biggest surprise? The ship's counselor *wasn't* driving!
> "To make a long story short,
TOM: Hah! *There's* a ship that's already sailed!
> I chose to replace the royal family
>myself, rather than let the country disintegrate.
CROW: [King] And the Ellosians, being complete wussies, let me.
> That's when I broke the
>Prime Directive."
MIKE: [King] And except for being an absolute ruler and basking in the
fawning glory of millions of people, I've just been sick about it.
> "What's the Prime Directive?"
TOM: It's usually the excuse used to delay the obvious until the fifth act,
and to try to make us believe that Picard or Janeway is being
daring and rebellious.
> "The Prime Directive is a Star Fleet regulation about dealing with
>less advanced cultures.
CROW: [King] Like this dump.
> To quote:
> It is forbidden to interact with a less advanced culture in such a
>way that inhibits or changes in any fashion it's natural path of
>development.
>
MIKE: Oh, and there's a long part regulating the export of DVD's.
TOM: So the Prime Directive can't tell the possessive its from the
contractive it's?
> "Why was that a rule? I'd think helping a less advanced culture
>would be good."
TOM: Yeah, but when you raise the subject, Canadians always get so
uptight...
MIKE: [hanging head] Tom, *please*!
TOM: Yeah yeah yeah, like Lieutenant Yellowknife's gonna come busting
in here after me!
> "Not always, and more often than not it results in the less advanced
>culture being exploited."
CROW: Which can sometimes be a good thing, such as with Shaft.
> "How?"
MIKE: [King] Son, remember when the Yankees got Ruth from Boston?
> "Well, they could be used as slave labor, or treated as second
>class citizens.
MIKE: Which, of course, is certainly not happening here.
TOM: Nope.
> It's generally better to let the culture advance on it's
>own.
CROW: That way they'll be forced to be backwards and easily controllable
for the foreseeable future.
> Of course, I didn't have much choice with Ellosia. By our crash
>landing we severed the whole Ellosian government.
TOM: [King] Course, we missed a few the first time, but we eventually
got 'em all !
> All my actions since then
>have been trying to lessen the impact of that. In essence, I'm trying to
>keep the spirt, not the letter of the Prime Directive."
CROW: Look, there's no point in him telling us all this *now* - he's just
going to have to repeat it for Picard later, and again when he's
let go to keep ruling here.
> "Father, will I have to follow this directive?"
TOM: [Avery] And can I have my own starship, too? Huh? Can I?
> "I don't think so. You aren't a Star Fleet Officer, and I've done
>everything I can think of to prevent high technology from causing problems
>once I'm gone."
CROW: And leaving a frelling big half space ship in the middle of a
medieval kingdom helps?
MIKE: The second he kicks off, the whole palace's wired to go off like
a bottle rocket.
> "Is that why Mother is dying?"
TOM: [King] No, that's because of the stuff I slip into her coffee ev-
dyah! Uh, I mean, no, son, of course not.
> "Your mother was this ship's Doctor.
CROW: Boy, so much for the whole "physician, heal thyself" thing.
> She says that there is nothing
>that could have been done even if we hadn't dismantled Sickbay.
MIKE: [King] She's pretty incompetent.
> Your mother
>and I have had a long life, son. How old do you think we are?"
CROW: [Avery] I dunno, about a million billion kajillion years, I guess
> "Forty something."
MIKE: Melanie Mayron and Timothy Busfield star in yet another classic
reunion show.
> "I am sixty-three and your mother is fifty-seven.
TOM: [King] We average out to 60.
> Of the leaders of
>Ellosia only Patriarch Isaiah is older than me, and he's not in the best of
>health.
MIKE: [King] Thanks to me. Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
> I've probably got five more good years in me, if I'm lucky.
CROW: And about 20 mediocre years, then another 3-4 years that kinda suck.
>Hopefully you'll be ready to take over by then."
TOM: [Avery] Whaddaya mean, "by then"? I want you and mom out of town
by sunset!
> "I don't want that to ever happen."
MIKE: I want to be a coddled, powerless prince till the end of my days.
> "I'm afraid that's one want that isn't going to be filled.
TOM: Yeah, that and the one about Tina Fey.
> Someday
>this whole land and it's worries will be yours.
CROW: [Avery] What, the curtains?
MIKE: [King] No, not the curtains!
> So we better get to bed
>early, because early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and
>wise."
TOM: And a penny saved is a penny earned.
CROW: [King] I also discovered electricity. Did you know that?
> Together, father and son, they descended from the Map Room and off
>to the Royal Quarters.
>
MIKE: It's nice that they can find time to indulge their numismatic urges.
>--
>Stephen Ratliff
>
>"But let him Dream" - Robert Picard, TNG's "Family"
>
CROW: But make sure it's not the one about the wilting bananas.
TOM: Let's clear outta here, guys.
[All leave]
O |2| <3> (4) {5} [6]
[SOL - Crow is seated on a bench, strumming a guitar. He is visible only
from the waist down]
CROW: [Singing to the tune of the Theme from "Dukes of Hazzard"]
Just some good old dukes - never pallin' around.
Beats all you never seen, been in trouble with the king
Since his ship hit the ground.
He's destroyin' the towns, flattenin' out hills.
Someday Starfleet might get him but the law never will.
They made him ki-i-i-ing, now he's runnin' the show,
And that's just a little bit more than the dukes wanna know.
Just some good ol' dukes, couldn't change if they would.
They surrendered their system like their heads were made outta wood!
[Cut past Crow to Mike & Tom. They are dressed normally, but each wears a
floppy, medieval-type hat. They are standing next to life-size cardboard
cutouts of Fidel Castro and Sean Penn (as Spicoli), who are also decked out
in floppy, medieval-type hats.]
MIKE: [Very bad southern accent] Forsooth! Howdy, yall! I'm Avtra
Duke, an' this hyar's my brother Armedge Duke, anon.
TOM: [Even worse southern accent] Yeeeeehah! Felicitations an'
Tally Ho! An' this's our cousin, Castrome Duke...
FIDEL: [Bill Corbett's voice with cheesy Cuban Accent] Hola, Senors and
Senoritas. Death to Yankee Running Dog Capitalist Scum, no?
TOM: An' this here's our other cousin, Fasstime Duke.
SEAN: [Paul Chapin, doing a Spicoli Impression] Aloha! Royal Surf's up!
MIKE: Hey, listen yall! We gotta get the crown back from that flatlander
in his big ol' ship from the sky!
CROW: [VO, as Waylon Jennings] Yep, them ol' Duke boys was comin' up with
another plan to get Boss York outta his castle and off the throne
of Ellosia.
TOM: I gotta idea! We kin drop a starship on him like he did to poor ol'
Will Ferrell!
MIKE: Armedge, ya big galoot! Where're we gonna get a starship to drop
on him? He's got the only one in all Ellosia!
TOM: Hey, I'll talk to th' ol' Baron of Cooter - he'll *build* us one!
MIKE: That's a purty good idea, heheheheh!
SEAN: Dudes!
FIDEL: Ay, Comrades, I still think we need to incite revolution of
proletariat to overthrow el rey del cielo!
TOM: Naw, that'll take too long!
MIKE: 'Sides, th' only reason we wanna overthrow the bloodthirsty tyrant
is cuz *we* all wanna be the bloodthirsty tyrant.
SEAN: Hey, cousin-type dudes! If you get your ship, how ya gonna drop it
on him?
MIKE & TOM: Hmmmm....
CROW: [Waylon VO] Yep, them ol' Duke boys was really in a mess, all right.
But leave it to their sister, the Duchess Daisy, to come up with a
plan!
[pause]
CROW: [Waylon VO] Uh, I *said*, leave it to their sister, the Duchess
Daisy, to come up with a plan!
[more pausing]
CROW: [normal voice] Uh, Gypsy, that's your cue to come out and...
GYPSY: [O.S] No!
TOM: [nor-mal *voice*] C'mon, Gypsy...
GYPSY: [O.S.] Nuh-uh! No way! For-*get* it, Jackson!
MIKE: [Nor-mal VOICE!!!] What's wrong, Gyps?
GYPSY: [enters stage left, carrying a wad of denim in her mouth, which she
angrily spits to the console] I'll tell you what's wrong! I refuse
to parade around dressed in those cut-offs like a piece of meat!
CROW: Lighten up, Gypsy, it's just part of the character.
TOM: Yeah, this is what she wears.
GYPSY: Well *you* wear it then. I plan to keep my dignity! [storms off]
TOM: Huh. Well, that's it for this sketch, I guess.
MIKE: Guess so. Hey, who's for some liquid refreshment?
FIDEL: How about a Cube Libre, mi amigos? Heh heh heh!
SEAN: Hey! Learnin' about Cuba, having some booze!
MIKE: Let's go, then.
[Mike & Tom leave, along with the cardboard Fidel & Sean (they're on wheels
of some sort), leaving only Crow perched alone up on his stool.]
CROW: Uh, guys? Someone wanna get me off this stool? Hello? Anyone?
Hello? [Pause] Ah, well. [Resumes strumming] o/` Mamas, don't
let your babies grow up to be cowbots... o/`
[Crow continues singing over the meatball as we go to...]
COMMERCIALS
1) Steven Spielberg! "Taken"! Love it!
2) McGrill Scrapings! Because you'll buy anything for 99 cents!
3) Can you hear me now? Can you hear me *now*?! CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW!!!
[All re-enter]
CROW: Okay two new rules: number one, no more costume pieces for the
duration of the fanfic.
MIKE: Agreed.
CROW: And number two, no leaving Crow trapped up on the ridiculously
elevated stool.
TOM: Um, we'll get back to you on that.
>From: Stephen Ratliff <stephenratliff@crosswinds.net>
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW TNG Royal and Prime Directives 5/16 [PG] (Marrissa Stories)
>Message-ID: <00dj3u0p6ff41vl69bdjup8gdl9kgt6pc5@4ax.com>
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>(newsmaster1.
TOM: *fzzt* Ah, Newsmaster Base, this is Newsmaster1, target is in sight,
request permission to proceed with journalistic strike, over. *fzzt*
> prod.itd.earthlink.net)
>Path: corp-news.newsgroups.com!propagator-la!news-in-la.newsfeeds.com!
>news-out.visi.com!hermes.visi.com!newsfeed1.earthlink.net!newsfeed.
>earthlink.net!newsmaster1.prod.itd.earthlink.net!newsread2.prod.itd.
>earthlink.net.POSTED!not-for-mail
>Xref: news4 alt.startrek.creative:104982
>Status: N
>
>Title: Royal and Prime Directives
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Contact: stephen at trekiverse dot org
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories
>Part: NEW 5/16 Serialized Weekly
>Rating: [PG]
>Summary: The crew of Enterprise-E investigates a planet where a starship
>Captain crashed 20 years ago has been ruling a small nation
>
CROW: Turns out it's the Rhythm Nation. Captain Janet Jackson is sought
for questioning.
>Chapter Four: View from High Places
>
MIKE: Wow, man, Ratliff is, like, totally baked!
BOTS: Dude!
> Prince Avery woke up just before the sun broke over the horizon.
TOM: [Neil] Morning has broken.
>This was unusual for him,
MIKE: He usually staggered drunkenly in around this time.
> but he wasn't going to miss his first morning
>council meeting. He quickly washed and dressed,
CROW: And this time, he remembered to do it in that order.
> thankful for the plumbing
>of Odyssey Palace.
TOM: It was working for once?
CROW: Avery's not the type to take something for granted, I guess.
> Verifor Castle and Castromepor Villa,
MIKE: Now with beautiful 1, 2 and 3 bedroom townhomes overlooking the lake.
> the other two
>royal residences lacked plumbing in the private washrooms.
TOM: They just had serfs with buckets.
> Then he hurried
>toward the Map Room stairs.
TOM: Trampling six maids, two guards, and a steward.
CROW: [Avery] Sorry!
> On his way, he encountered Lord Harlan.
CROW: The prince asked for an autograph and got a punch in the gut.
> The Minister of
>Intelligence was carrying several covered clip boards and appeared to be
>disturbed and tired.
CROW: Yep, it's Harlie, all right.
MIKE: He's the only guy I know who was born with an ulcer.
> "Morning, your highness," Harlan said.
TOM: [Harlan] Hey, why don't you be a good Prince and fetch your ol'
Uncle Harlan some coffee and a shot?
> "Good Morning, Lord Harland," Avery said. "You look like you
>haven't slept."
TOM: He has no mouth and he must snore.
> "You'll find out why, soon," Harlan said,
CROW: [Harlan] When you become one of the unde... Daaa, I mean "Soon"!
> as they reached the Level
>6 entrance to the Map Room stairs.
MIKE: Oh yeah? Well *my* Map Room stairs are level seven with Charm +87.
CROW: Hah! Mine are level 10 with extra resistance to Ice magic attacks!
TOM: Amateurs! I've got the level 100 Map Room Stairs of Isendur which
reflect ALL magic attacks AND only accessible through a sub-quest
only available when you pour grape soda all over your Playstation!
> The King's usual guard stood at
>attention there. "Good Morning, Roland."
ALL: Roland Warner?
> "Morning, sir."
TOM: Written any more stories about inflatable cars and giant virus eggs?
> "Good man, Roland," Harlan said,
MIKE: [Harlan] Long, tedious, bloodthirsty Song of his, but a good man.
> as they began to climb the stairs
>"His mother was one of my officers, before she married a merchant and
>started having babies.
CROW: [Harlan] Too bad she had to pretty much sacrifice all her rights when
we crashed here, but, heh, whattaya gonna do?
> I think Roland has four little brothers and seven
>sisters.
CROW: Zowie!
MIKE: Boy, when she decided to blend in, she really went all the way!
> Ah, her we go."
TOM: Uh, no, I think her's gone a few times too many already!
> The door to the Map Room was already open. Inside were the King and
>the rest of his advisors.
MIKE: Rand and McNally.
> They seemed to be having bread and jam, waiting
>for everyone.
TOM: Yes, the height of royal privilege: bread and jam.
> "Good Morning Harland, have some bread and jam,"
CROW: It's waiting for everyone.
TOM: So are they having bread and jam, or not?
MIKE: I'm not sure. Stephen is being very ambiguous on the subject.
> the King
>said. "It's yellowberry this morning. You too, Avery. We're waiting for
>Toshio."
MIKE: [King] I'm sure he'd like some bread and jam as well!
> "Well pardon me if I can't run up the stairs like the rest of you
>young folks," a wizened old man said from the door way.
ALL: Gandalf?!?
CROW: [Toshio] You young kids with your stairs and your iambic pentameter
and your bear-baiting and ... ah, I dunno what's wrong with you!
> Toshio was one of
>Avery's favorites of his father's advisors, with his white long whiskers,
>and the colorful robe he always wore.
TOM: I bet it was red and yellow!
CROW: And green and brown!
MIKE: And scarlet and black!
CROW: And ochre and peach!
MIKE: And ruby and olive!
TOM: And violet and fawn!
ALL: And cream and crimson and silver and rose and azure and lemon and
russet and grey and purple and white and pink and orange and red and
yellow and green and brown and blue!
> "Toshio, none of us are young anymore," the King said.
MIKE: Except for Lord Dick Clark.
> "That's why
>I decided that Avery should start sitting in on these meetings.
CROW: [King] He's the only one in the room who doesn't need a hearing aid.
> We need him
>to know everything.
CROW: Like the airspeed of an unladen swallow.
MIKE: And the proper way to prepare crepes suzettes.
TOM: And where to get parts for a 1969 VW Microbus.
MIKE: And the sound of one hand clapping.
TOM: And why is a mouse when it spins.
CROW: And the best way to get stubborn stains out of linen.
TOM: And who put the overalls in Mrs. Murphy's chowder.
CROW: And how to operate a TiVo.
MIKE: And the wonderful world of Andrew Lloyd Weber.
CROW: And the way to drive with a stick shift.
MIKE: And how to spot a counterfeit bill.
TOM: And who was *really* Keyser Soze.
ALL: *Everything!*
> Now, since Avery doesn't know all of you, or all of
>your roles, I'd like you to preface today's reports with you job titles.
[All groan]
TOM: Well OF COURSE you would! You'd like that EVERY SINGLE FRICKING
TIME, wouldn't you, huh?
MIKE: You'd think someone would've invented "HI I'M _______" nametags by now.
>Harlan, you go first today, and I'd like a full summary of all intelligence
>today, both external and internal."
CROW: [King] And don't forget to include your favorite bread and jam.
> "Very well, your Majesty," Harland said as he opened one of his clip
>boards.
MIKE: Fresh from the hands of the clipboardsmith.
CROW: Good thing there's no cultural contamination going on here.
> "Your Highness, I'm Chief of His Majesties Intelligence force.
MIKE: [Harlan] I like wheat with strawberry jam.
>We'll start with External affairs. Janvart is still engaging in piracy
>along the Rogian coast.
CROW: [Harlan] Although why anyone would want to bootleg Jasmine Guy
CDs is beyond me.
> They suspect we know that.
TOM: [Harlan] But they're wrong. We don't have a clue.
> It looks like Rogian is
>going to invade Grimall.
CROW: They have fierce Grimalli warriors!
> The Archduke is getting rather anxious, spending
>lots of time upgrading his border outposts.
MIKE: It wouldn't take so long if they'd download the right DLL files first.
> It makes me glad Ellosia has no
>land borders. Dinath's Queen Kaitlin is courting King Louis V of Rogia,
>again."
CROW: [Harlan] He thinks he might even be able to get her to let him kiss
her tonight, too! (giggles girlishly)
> "Isn't he already married?" Avery asked.
TOM: So "intelligence" is just another word for "vicious gossip".
MIKE: Yeah, pretty much.
> "Queen Theresa died two months ago," Harland said.
CROW: News travels slow here, doesn't it?
> "King Louis is
>keeping it quiet, but our intelligence indicates that Prince Louis pushed
>his stepmother out a window.
TOM: All hail Louis the Defenestrator!
CROW: And it turns out jumpers always take of their glasses.
MIKE: What have I told you about watching CSI?
> Now on to internal affairs, and boy is this a
>mess, gentlemen."
MIKE: [Harlan] Things got complicated. My innocence has all but faded.
> "When has it not been?" Toshio interrupted.
CROW: [King] Remember last year's annual Christmas Party? Things were
pretty simple then.
> "You have a point," Harland said,
TOM: For the love of... is it Harlan or Harland? Decide!
MIKE: Maybe funnyman Harland Williams wandered in.
> opening another clipboard. "We'll
>start with Avtra. Duke Murdock has sent his soldiers to the border with
>Fasstime again,
CROW: Where they'll kick 100% of his ass!
> but word is this time that Cedric asked him to do it and
>hold steady. In the seven years Cedric has been Earl of Avtra, he's never
>done this before.
MIKE: [Harlan] We're pretty sure the old boy's finally wigged!
> Cedric has also disappeared from his castle on Dragon
>Island.
TOM: We believe he's been eaten.
> Rumor is he might be on his way to see his younger brother, as a
>message from Lord Elden had arrived shortly before the current chain of
>events began in Avtra.
MIKE: [Harlan] It read: "Dear Cedric, let's see if we can ool-fay the
ing-Kay from ars-May." We're trying to decode it.
> Oh, and Duke Murdock's annual request for an
>adjustment of his border near Janna Bay arrived yesterday, with his taxes."
TOM: [Harlan] Along with a note saying "Death to the Bloody Tyrant From
The Stars".
> "Pen the usual response, Lord Kelsey," the King directed.
CROW: Lord Kelsey Grammar?
TOM: The usual combination Emmy acceptance speech and rehab release
statement.
> "Only
>this time tell him that I've decided to question Earl Cedric and Lord Elden
>on their lord's respective behalf's, next time I see them.
MIKE: Oh, man, they pulled a pop quiz!
> I've let that
>issue go on too long."
> "Very well, your Majesty," Lord Kesley, the youngest member, save
>Prince Avery said. "I'll have it ready by this afternoon for your
>signature."
TOM: Thank you, Lord Brownnose!
> "Now on to Castrome, and perhaps our biggest problem," Harlan said.
> "Since when has Castrome been a problem," Toshio said. "I thought
>we solved that one years ago."
CROW: [Toshio] Didn't we drop a starship on them, too?
> "Since other Dukedoms started butting in again," Harlan said.
TOM: Wow, Mike, do real government officials use phrases like "butting in"
in official government meetings.
MIKE: I doubt it, but it would make the meetings more interesting. Even
more so if they used the "f" word!
>"It seems someone realized the importance of Lady Hayley.
MIKE: [Harlan] They just took her off the market yesterday. It's
extremely rare to find one now.
> Being in the direct
>line for two dukedoms makes her a very marriageable woman.
TOM: Despite being in the 8th grade.
> In particular,
>Lord Henry of Fasstime has approached Lord Elden of Castrome about marrying
>her, and opposing the King.
CROW: He proposed it all wrong and wound up marrying the King and opposing
Lady Hayley.
> Lord Elden immediately informed his wife, and
>Duchess Desiree and Lady Hayley immediately set out for Odyssey.
MIKE: And what of John's love for Marsha?
> Since
>then, Lord Elden has communicated with his brother and told Lord Henry that
>'he'll think about it.'"
CROW: And knowing his brother the way he did, that was the biggest laugh
Henry'd had all year.
> "What about the other two daughters of Duchess Desiree and Lord
>Elden?" the King asked.
TOM: Horseface and The Schnozz? Ah, who gives a rip?
> "Lea and Whitney have been moved to Castromepor Villa, and placed
>under Royal guard at Lord Elden's request," Harlan said.
CROW: *That'll* teach 'em to stay out partying past midnight!
> "We'll be sending
>a naval vessel to pick them up and bring them here soon. That's on Admiral
>Sidney's agenda.
MIKE: Battleship, taxi - pretty much the same thing.
> I believe you have an announcement concerning Lady Hayley,
>your majesty?"
CROW: [Harlan] I believe the coop is about to be nested. The sled is about
to get hitched, Spain is ready to claim the island.
> "Yes, I've decided that Lady Hayley will be marrying my son, as soon
>as practical," the King said.
TOM: [King] Namely, when they're both old enough to get a driver's license.
> "Duchess Desiree proposed the match, and I
>have informed her of my acceptance of the match.
CROW: So - there's a match?
MIKE: Let's not jump to conclusions.
> A public announcement will
>be made in today's session of Court.
TOM: Right above the "Dilbert" cartoon. It's a scream.
> Try not get dusty riding before then,
>Avery."
CROW: Is that a euphemism? That's a euphemism, isn't it?
TOM: Hope he remembers to wear his riding boots.
> "That solves part of our problem," Harlan said. "It seems Lord
>Henry has been busy.
MIKE: [King] He's mowed the lawn, painted the deck, *and* fixed that leaky
sink in the utility room.
> In response to my quires last night,
TOM: Huh? "Quires"?
MIKE: Maybe he meant "queries". Or "squires".
CROW: Or possibly even "choirs". You know, he sent the Royal Chorus out
to sing and spy.
> I have learnt
>that all of the Duke of Armedge's sons have been approached about an
>unspecified alliance with Fasstime.
CROW: They could tell because the first side of Led Zeppelin IV was playing.
> Since Duke Nolan is a very smart ruler,
MIKE: [Harlan] Compared to the rest of you...
>and his sons have spent quite a bit of time at court, the offers were
>rebuffed.
TOM: They're shinier now, and dangerous to walk on.
> In fact, Lord Henry's representative was thrown off the side of
>the second son's ship."
MIKE: And *immediately*, Riker showed up to chew the guy out!
CROW: This isn't a story, it's a dunking game.
> "I wasn't aware that Trevor had gotten a ship," the King said.
TOM: These guys sure do take nobles getting bumped off in stride.
MIKE: They take their cues from Good King Crash'n'Burn over there.
> "He took over the Godspeed from Captain Farley last week," Admiral
>Sidney said, flipping though his papers.
CROW: [Farley] You'll have plenty of time to be a sea captain when YOU'RE
LIVING IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!!!
> "That would be one of our fast cutters?" the King asked.
MIKE: It can do an appendectomy in just under 2 minutes.
> Admiral
>Sidney nodded. "Where is it now?"
TOM: [Sidney] In the cupboard between the cuisinart and the blender.
> "It's docked at Bluepor," Admiral said. "It's been reprovisioned
>and is await reassignment."
> "That's a quarter day's ride from Odyssey," the King said.
TOM: More if there's construction on the Bluepor-Odyssey Bypass!
MIKE: And there's *always* construction on the Bluepor-Odyssey Bypass!
> "After
>we're done here, Avery, I want you to take a ride to there, and give Captain
>Lord Treavor Armedge some new orders.
TOM: [King] But be back here in an hour for the wedding announcement. And
don't get dusty riding!
> Admiral Sidney, those orders are to
>go to Castromepor and retrieve Ladies Lea and Whitney and bring them back
>here."
CROW: Heeeeeey. "Lea Whitney" is almost the last two names of Grace Lee
Whitney, Yeoman Rand.
TOM: Very *good*, Crow. Do you think it's possible Ratliff is a Trekkie?
> "Now on to the center of this mess, Fasstime," Harlan said.
TOM: Amy Heckerling has a lot to answer for!
> "I'm
>not sure how long Lord Henry has been scheming, but he's been good about
>hiding it.
CROW: [Counselor] How good could he be if you know all about it?
MIKE: [King] YOU DARE QUESTION ME?!? GUARDS!!! GUARDS!!!
> Duke Lionel is most definitely unaware, as Lord Henry has been
>intrusted with the Ducal seal.
TOM: Fortunately, he and Tennessee Tuxedo escape almost daily.
> Previous patterns indicate that he may have
>arranged the whole Drake mess. He was the one to introduce Drake to the
>Earl of Dunsen's daughters.
MIKE: How fortunate they were able to crash on a planet with such English-
sounding names and titles.
TOM: Yeah, "Blrphul, the Suj of Nooo!rhsk" just doesn't have the same
majestic ring to it.
> I suspect that at least one of the three
>children, if not all, were actually his.
TOM: So - not so much "Star Trek" as "As The Backwards Feudal Planet Turns".
> When looking at the evidence from
>another angle,
CROW: It looks like a duck wearing a funny hat jumping rope.
> I've found a connection between Lord Henry and the poison
>used on Earl Drake.
MIKE: [Harlan] And this document here not only links him to the Kennedy
assassination, but prove he was the mastermind of the whole thing!
> Lord Henry was, and still is, in charge of customs at
>Dunsen on Fasstime.
TOM: So he's the guy who decides if it's still a 15 percent tip, or if it's
gone up to 20 percent or more.
> If anyone can sneak in poison, he can."
CROW: Actually - pretty much anyone *can* sneak in poison.
MIKE: It's not like it's gonna set off any metal detectors.
> "I wish you'd found that out seven years ago," the King said. "Then
>I would still have my court musician.
TOM: Oh, trying to subvert the kingdom is one thing, but messing with the
musicians' guild is asking for trouble.
MIKE: Yeah, the RIAA is going to be all over this guy.
> I've summoned all the Dukes, Lord
>Elden, Earl Cedric, and Lord Henry to Odyssey.
TOM: Along with Eubie Blake! Funnyman Guichee Guy! And the Mighty Ratliff
Art Players!
> Hopefully we'll be able to
>break this plot out into the open.
CROW: [King] If not, we'll just call in Sir Mulder and Countess Scully.
> Any thing else, Harlan?"
> "No, sire."
MIKE: [Harlan] Can I go back to just being a cranky SF writer now?
> "Then get some rest before court," the King said. "Lord Toshio."
TOM: [Toshio] I like Jewish rye and boysenberry!
> "Your highness, I'm the head of the King's Diplomatic services,"
>Toshio said.
TOM: [King, whispering] We just tell him that. Keeps him quiet.
> "Since Lord Harlan took up so much of our time,
CROW: [Toshio] The big blabbermouth!
> and Lord
>Kelsey does hate when we mess up his schedules, though he'll probably deny
>it,
MIKE: [Kelsey] I deny it!
> I'll stick to new business and updates today.
CROW: A sentence that can't be diagrammed in less than five dimensions.
> Rogia is still not
>accepting our overtures of peace, but they never do.
TOM: Try a movement of appeasement, with a quick arpeggio of isolation.
Then start singing "Itsy-Bitsy Teeny-Weeny Yellow Polka Dot
Bikini" until they surrender.
> It's a hopeless cause.
CROW: [Toshio] Life sucks, basically! Let's just kill ourselves!
>Grimall has asked for assistance in defended their shores."
MIKE: [Ed Grimley] Oh, I must simply insist, I must say! All this navy
business is just making me completely mental, doncha know?
> "Admiral Sidney, look into the possibility," the King ordered.
>"Toshio, I need more detail on that,
TOM: [King] There a small portion of my brain not yet clouded over with
meaningless facts.
CROW: [Toshio] I'm on it!
> see if you can get a representative of
>their navy to sit down with myself and Admiral Sidney."
TOM: [Toshio] Threaten to wipe out his entire family - got it!
> "Very well," Toshio said. "Queen Kaitlin of Dinath still wants to
>marry Avery, but that's now a moot point.
MIKE: Hrmph. You're de king! Make polygamy legal! Make both parties happy!
> That's all I have."
> "Admiral Sidney."
TOM: [Sidney] French loaf with Apple Butter.
> "Your highness, I am Lord Admiral of the Fleet.
MIKE: Have the orchestra standing by in case he starts singing Gilbert &
Sullivan.
> Since Lord Palmer,
>Army Chief of Staff, is currently reviewing training in Avtra, I'll be
>handling all of the Armed Forces briefing today," Admiral Sidney said.
TOM: [Sidney] Now, have you ever read a book called "Seven Days in May"?
>"Lord Palmer reports that all of the Army units are up to his standards,
>though he is worried about the loyalty of the Fasstime unit.
MIKE: [Sidney] He thinks they're a bunch of stinking, commie bastards, sire.
> Castromepor
CROW: That's an anagram for 'Rope Toms car.'
MIKE: That's unusually cryptic even for Stephen.
>Shipyards indicates that the new Ship of the Line that Lord Elden designed
>will be ready to launch in a week.
TOM: Of course it's made out of creamed chipped beef, so it won't get far.
> I must report that the frigate Caroline
>went aground and sunk off the coast of Rogia, after being chased by a Rogian
>ship of the line.
MIKE: It's the Dread Pirate Westley up to his old tricks.
> Her crew was captured, save a midshipman and some crewmen
>who evaded capture in the ship's boat."
TOM: Good lord. In space and at sea, the battle scenes are the same length.
> "See that the midshipman gets a reward," the King said.
CROW: For what? Bailing out and leaving his shipmates to their doom?
MIKE: Just my luck. I sit through hundreds of bad movies and internet
trash, and this guy gets rewarded for not dying.
> "Done, sire," Sidney said. "That's all I have to report."
> "Lord Kelsey, my schedule," the King asked.
CROW: [Kelsey] "Press Your Luck", "Spongebob Squarepants", "Monty Python's
Flying Circus", and a SuperChunk of "Hong Kong Phooey" cartoons.
> "9 o'clock, meeting with the Duchess of Castrome," Kelsey began.
MIKE: 9:15, make sure there are no lipstick stains on the royal collar.
>"10 o'clock, meeting with the Odyssey City Council about sewage and
>marketplace price gouging.
TOM: Man, people just have no respect at all for prices. They're always
either gouging them or slashing them!
> 11 o'clock, early lunch.
CROW: Maybe scheduling the lunch *after* the sewage discussion was a
bad idea.
> Noon to 3 o'clock,
>Court.
MIKE: [King] Look, I'm the absolute ruler of the planet! Can't you
just get the suit dismissed or something?
CROW: [Sidney] She's hired Johnny Cochrane.
MIKE: [King] Blast!
TOM: 3 o'clock, lunch.
> 4 o'clock, tea with the Queen.
CROW: [Kelsey] 4:30, Photo-op with Boy Scout who sold the most popcorn
this year.
> 5 o'clock meeting with the
>Ambassador of Dinath.
TOM: 6 o'clock, lunch.
> Please try not to insult him about his hair again,
>your majesty.
MIKE: [King] I'm telling you, it's a wig! Anybody can see that.
> 6 o'clock meeting with the Duke of Armedge about teenaged
>sons.
CROW: You're to come out in favor of sons in the abstract, but against
every particular one.
> 7 o'clock, annual town ball.
TOM: 8 o'clock, lunch.
> Recommend a short stay, as this is more
>for Prince Avery's set.
CROW: Although a kingly rave does sound like a good idea...
> Your highness will be glad to note that as a newly
>engaged man, the Prince will not have to dance with all the young ladies
>regardless of how ugly he may think they are.
TOM: Ah, he's the sensitive prince.
> You will be expected to stick
>to Lady Hayley."
MIKE: [Sidney] I've got some Krazy Glue right here.
TOM: 10 o'clock, lunch.
> "That, I can handle," Avery said.
> "That will be all at the moment," Kelsey said.
CROW: [Kelsey] Oh, wait! Bagels with blueberry!
> "Very well, I'll see you gentlemen early tomorrow, or if you're so
>inclined, at the ball," the King said before heading down the stairs."
>
>
TOM: 11 o'clock, lunch.
MIKE: We're done there.
> Clara had never slept on the ground before.
MIKE: And now, back to our regularly scheduled characters, barely in
progress.
> She also had the
>misfortune to sleep on a rock.
CROW: That's not "misfortune", Clara dear, it's "deep personal stupidity".
> So she didn't sleep well, and she was
>finding the minstrel to be overly cheerful.
MIKE: Plus there's the fact that he's - well, y'know - a *minstrel*!
> Clara was blaming it all on
>Marrissa.
TOM: Oooooooh, finally the scales are falling from her eyes!
> After all, she wouldn't have volunteered if it wasn't for
>Marrissa suggesting it.
CROW: [Clara] Wah! She *made* me do it by asking me!
TOM: Clara's the type that could be held up by e-mail.
> "Good morning, Ladies," Cedric said.
MIKE: [Clara] Well it was before *you* woke up!
> "It's time to get moving, if
>we want to get to Odyssey before midday."
TOM: One question, why didn't they just all beam down to the city? I mean,
they have no sensors, so they won't be able to detect it. And I doubt
it'd be too difficult to find a safe, quiet place to beam down.
CROW: Remember, Tommy, in a Ratliff stories, logic has been known to fly out
the window, go once around the planet and crash into a sand dune.
> The dry bread did not make for a good breakfast. If she was still
>on the Enterprise, Clara would have been having a good breakfast with a tall
>glass of apple juice, pancakes covered with maple syrup, and two eggs, sunny
>side up.
CROW: And then she's off to her daily liposuction and angioplasty
session!
> "You seem eager to get to Odyssey, Minstrel," Beverly said,
>smoothing out her robes.
TOM: [Cedric] Yeah, I gotta go throw a bone in the air and watch it turn
into a spaceship or somethin'.
> "Once I was King Richard's court minstrel, Sister," Cedric said.
MIKE: His name was "Sister"?
CROW: Wow, I can see how he went with "Cedric", then.
>"I have lots of old friends in the city I'd like to visit."
MIKE: Would that be before or after the giant ship turned the city
into Scrapheap Acres?
> "Then perhaps you might know of a good place to stay for my charge?"
>Sister Beverly said.
TOM: [Cedric] Uh, sorry, they don't take American Express.
> "I will be staying at the Cloister of the Overflowing Cup,
MIKE: The one with the big statue of Saint Dolly Parton.
>but they have limited space, and my charge's school does not open for
>another couple weeks."
> "For a young lady, staying alone,
TOM: [Cedric] She can always stay with me.
MIKE: [Clara] Enterprise? Beam me up now!
> I'd recommend either the White
>Dove,
CROW: It softens your hands while you do the dishes.
> or the Prancing Faire," Cedric said.
MIKE: Guys, didn't we explicitly order Stephen to never, under any
circumstances, attend a Renaissance Festival?
> "Personally, I used to stay at
>the Golden Rinnebeast, but that is mostly for sailors, well off merchant
>sailors, but sailors none the less."
CROW: [Clara] Wow! Hey, Bev, can we...
TOM: [Beverly] No! Well, *you* can't!
> Clara mounted her rinnebeast. It was not, as the herdmaster had
>said, a well tempered beast,
MIKE: Or even a well tempered clavier.
> at least in Clara's view. It tended to rear
>when she prompted it to move forwards, and its gait was rough.
TOM: Plus - again - it's a giant lizard!
CROW: Clara's affectionately nicknamed it "Walking Salmonella".
> Of course,
>since this was her first rinnebeast, she had no idea if this was normal.
MIKE: Check the owner's manual, in the dashboard.
>In any case, she'd be glad when they left this planet, because she never
>wanted to ride a rinnebeast again.
CROW: She wanted to be - A LUMBERJACK!!!
> Riding was Marrissa's gig, not hers. She was
>an engineer.
>
TOM: [Clara] Damn it! I'll build a horse!
> Marrissa, meanwhile, was dealing with her own problems. Most
>notably of these was her morning companion, Lieutenant Calgary. He was
>getting on her nerves.
MIKE: Okay, fellas - place your bets: Humiliation, death, or both for
Mister Moosejaw? I say death.
TOM: Humiliation - how can Marrissa lord her superiority over a dead guy?
CROW: Both. This guy's got "Redshirt that deserves it" written all over him.
> "So what are we going to do now, Miss Picard?" he asked, as they
>walked toward the docks.
MIKE: [Marrissa] Well first, I'm going to drag you behind these boxes and
slap you sideways...
TOM: Lieutenants on the Verge of a Sissy Slap-Fight.
CROW: Okay, okay, we get it already - Vancouver's a dillhead!
> "First thing we are going to do is to get a couple things straight,"
>Marrissa replied. "First, we are fellow Lieutenants on the same ship, with
>only a couple days seniority separating us.
MIKE: [Marrissa] Which means *I'm* the boss around here! Capisce?!
> Following naval tradition, we
>are expected to be on first name basis, and I don't know yours."
TOM: Yeah, the navy's real big on making sure all its lieutenants call each
other by their first names.
> "Kendrick, but everyone calls me Ken," Calgary said.
TOM: o/` He'll try to kill her with a forklift! Ole! o/`
CROW: Kendrick Calgary! He's a rogue Canadian Lieutenant who won't play by
the rules - but he gets results!
MIKE: Hey, I thought his name was "Ferguson".
TOM: Yeah, but he uses his middle name. Wouldn't you?
> "Marrissa, but you knew that. I never had a nickname I really
>liked," Marrissa said.
CROW: [Marrissa] Except for "Dread Lord" - that one was kinda neat.
> "And the other thing, ask if I'm dressed before
>entering my room, tomorrow."
MIKE: Then barge in anyway, in true romantic comedy fashion.
> "Sorry," Calgary said. "I'll try to remember. So, what are we doing?"
MIKE: [Marrissa] This! <SLAP!!!>
> "You're supposed to figure out if any of the Odyssey's technology
>has been used in the surrounding city," Marrissa said.
TOM: That sign that read "This Way to Ye Olde Anti-Matterre Fluxe
Inducter" might have been a slight clue.
> "I thought a tall
>tower might allow you to figure out where to look."
TOM: They're completely ignoring the large saucer-shape castle in the
center of the city, aren't they?
MIKE & CROW: Yup.
> "Where are we going to find this tall tower?" Calgary said, somewhat
>sarcastically.
TOM: One rude Canadian in all of space and time and he's posted to the
Enterprise.
> "I thought the Church of Saint Dominic might do the job," Marrissa
>said. "According to the Innkeeper it's known for it's hundred and two feet
>tall twin bell towers, and its clock.
CROW: Yeah, and the gift shop, too.
TOM: Plus they have a great little cafe just around the corner.
> I thought you might want to look at
>the clock as well.
MIKE: [Marrissa] Cuz my birthday's coming up, ya know.
> The accuracy of time pieces is supposed to be a good way
>to judge how advanced a place is."
CROW: Or how obsessive their clockmakers are.
TOM: But how do they know if a time piece is accurate?
> "How would you know?" Calgary asked, as they turned up a broad
>avenue towards the distant church.
TOM: [Marrissa] I'm the Avatar here, I'm supposed to know everything.
> "I read about it in 'Evaluating Pre-stellar Culture,'
MIKE: ...'And How To Crush Them'."
> Captain
>Harrington, 2285," Marrissa said.
MIKE: Starfleet has enough Harringtons that they have to number them?
CROW: Honor's been busy.
> "I may not have much experience, but I am
>at least book smart."
>
MIKE: And in that sentence, she has summed up all that is wrong with the
modern educational system.
> If there was one vice that Prince Avery had, it was racing his
>rinnebeast.
MIKE: That and trendy redrum heroin.
TOM: Mike! No!
> He liked to ride his pale gold colored lizard as fast as he
>could go.
CROW: A blistering half-foot per hour.
> At the normal sedate pace that everyone else traveling the road
>to Bluepor was taking, it took about two hours to get there.
MIKE: Man, I don't care what century you're in, traffic's always murder.
> Avery did it
>in half that. Of course, his rinnerbeast nearly ran over several of his
>fellow travelers,
TOM: [Avery] Outta my way! Stupid non-royal type travelers!
> but most of them were locals, who knew that when you heard
>Prince Avery coming, you got out of the way.
MIKE: So it doesn't matter that he almost ran over the peasants. He's
royalty, they should know better than clogging up his country!
> So, it wasn't surprising that
>Avery's rinnebeast was breathing heavily when he reached the dock where the
>Godspeed was docked.
CROW: He's making the world's first obscene rinnebeast call.
> Avery tied up his rinnebeast and approached the
>gangplank.
> "Who goes there?" a sailor said from on board.
TOM: [Avery] Yo' mama!
> "Prince Avery, from Odyssey. I bring orders from Admiral Sidney and
>the King for Captain Lord Trevor Armedge."
CROW: *ahem* Two pounds of salami, a loaf of pumpernickel, a bottle of
spicy mustard and a six-pack of Sam Adams Honey Ale.
> Lord Trevor quickly appeared by the sailor side. "Welcome on board
>your highness," he said.
TOM: And the buttkissing will commence - now.
> Avery bounded up the gangplank. "Thank you, Captain," Avery
>replied, carefully pulling the folded and sealed orders out from under his
>over tunic. "Is there some place that I can give these to you in private?"
MIKE: It's the map to Olive Oyl's Gold Mine!
> "Certainly," Trevor said. "May I show your highness to my
>quarters?"
CROW: Hey Mike, remember when I showed *my* highness to your quarters?
MIKE: Yes, but somehow a mooning doesn't mean as much when it comes
from a robot.
> Together they went aft and into the Captain's Quarters. It wasn't
>very big, in Avery's standards, but it had a desk, a couple chairs, and a
>bed of sorts.
MIKE: Hey, it's bigger than my old dorm room.
CROW: A janitor's closet was bigger than your dorm room, Mike.
MIKE: Well, I went to UW-Stout on the economy plan.
> On the bed, nearly hidden, was a garment that Avery thought
>looked similar to his sister's breast bindings.
TOM: How does he know what his sister's...
CROW: Avery's just a Jack of all Perversions, isn't he?
MIKE: Whole Weird Area, hard to port, Cap'n!
> "Still taking the ladies to bed, Trevor?" Avery asked.
TOM: [Trevor] Yes, then tucking them in and singing them lullabies.
> "A lady in every port, as Admiral Sidney once said, your highness,"
>Trevor replied.
TOM: And a shot in every infirmary.
> "We are alone, Trevor," Avery replied, handing over the sealed
>orders. "And I don't know how you do it."
TOM: [Trevor] I don't! I just make it all up! God, I'm so lonely!
> "Don't knock it until you try it, and I'm sure your father wouldn't
>mind a few royal bastards around," Trevor replied,
MIKE: Bringing shame to your house, fighting bloody wars for a piece of
their birthright...
CROW: Their kids growing up to have other royal bastards.
TOM: A real vicious circle.
> opening the orders with a
>knife from his desk.
TOM: Action Plantagenet!
> "He might not mind, but I'm sure Lady Hayley would," Avery replied.
> "So they finally decided who to betroth you to. I wish you all the
>luck,"
CROW: [Trevor] And I mean that in the most fawning, insincere, misogynistic
way possible.
> Trevor said as he read over the orders. "It seems I'm to go pick up
>your future sisters-in-law.
CROW: [Trevor] Ho-yeah! Score two for the T-Man!
> May I assume that you've been briefed on Lord
>Henry's ambitions?"
TOM: He shall never become the Wendy's shift manager while I breathe! Never!
> "I've been told that you threw his messenger off your ship," Avery
>said.
MIKE: [Trevor] Yeah, but I kept his palm pilot.
> "I had him tossed overboard when he threatened me," Trevor said.
TOM: They're throwing more people in the water than we're joking about
throwing them in the water!
>"Then he snuck back on board that night and tried to kill me. I lost three
>men, including my first mate, as a result.
CROW: At that point I began taking it personally.
> Let your father and Lord Harlan
>know just how far Lord Henry will go. I'll depart within the hour."
MIKE: If you can't leave in an hour, you can leave in a huff. If that's
too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.
> The two walked back up on deck, and Prince Avery took his leave,
>racing back to Odyssey.
>
MIKE: [Doodles] And in last place by 40 lengths, I believe it is, yes it is,
Feetlebaaaaaaaaaaaum!
> Up with the bells of the Church of the Overflowing Cup,
TOM: Overseen by Bishop Norm.
ALL: Norm!
> Lieutenant
>Calgary was finding it hard not to tell Marrissa that this had been a good
>idea.
TOM: D'oh! No, c'mon, Calgary, fight the mindspell!
CROW: Yeah, don't wimp out on us like Jellico did!
> This city, was not a typical city compared to Earth's in the
>fourteenth century.
MIKE: The strip clubs were a dead giveaway.
> It had wide avenues, no sign of open sewage drains, and
>if he wasn't mistaken, those were aqueducts bringing in running water to
>most of the city.
CROW: Sanitation - your sign of pure evil!
> The aqueducts were within the tech level, but not generally this
>wide spread. Every part of the city had access to one of them.
CROW: So it's not up to Renaissance levels but it is up to Roman Empire
standards?
MIKE: [deadpan] Truly these marvels could not have been possible without
Starfleet technology.
> He looked over at Marrissa, who was peering into one of the bells.
TOM: Their clean copper clappers had been copped by Cleveland kleptomaniac
Claude Cooper.
>It was almost time for the things to ring. "Get out of those bells," he
>called.
CROW: Thanctuary! Thanctuary!
> Marrissa ducked out of them, just as the monk below started to pull
>the rope. The bell rose, tilting upward until it reached halfway.
MIKE: Ummm - halfway *where*?
TOM: It's a Zen question, Mike.
> The monk
>let it go, and the bell swung down, ringing it's deep tone. Beside it other
>bells began to ring, in the classic peal of the hour.
CROW: Meanwhile, wagonloads of angels get their wings,
> "What were you doing?" Calgary said. "You could of been killed when
>that bell rang."
MIKE: But I was nowhere in sight when the church bells rang.
CROW: [warningly] Mike...
MIKE: Oh, c'mon! One little Christopher Cross reference.
TOM: That's the way it *always* starts, Nelson - with just one!
> "Sorry, I didn't know," Marrissa said nervously, barely heard over
>the bells.
CROW: Her tintinnabulation is just getting worse and worse.
MIKE: She didn't know? Has she never watched a cartoon in her life?
> "Some day you are going to get yourself killed if you don't start
>being more careful," Calgary said.
TOM: [Marrissa] I knew I wouldn't die - I'm the author's pet character.
MIKE: [Calgary] That's ridiculous!
TOM: [Marrissa] You *did* just save me, right?
MIKE: [Calgary] Yeah, but - D'OH!
> "I don't want to be the one to tell your
>father that you did something stupid and got yourself killed."
CROW: Oh! Oh! I'll do it!
TOM: Me! Me! Me!
MIKE: Spread out, you two - *I'll* handle this!
> Unfortunately for Calgary, this rant went unheard,
TOM: His Lewis Black CD was defective.
> as the tolling of
>the hour was much louder than his voice.
>
CROW: And the whole concept of "tell her again after the bells are done
ringing" escaped him.
>
>--
>Stephen Ratliff
>
>"But let him Dream" - Robert Picard, TNG's "Family"
>
CROW: So - five chapters in, and so far all we've got is a secret engagement
so secret even the *bride* doesn't know, lots of boring royal types
sitting around jawboning, Marrissa goes clock climbing, and a wet
Captain Picard.
MIKE: Yeah, that pretty well sums it up.
TOM: *sigh* Makes me long for the rip-roaring action sequences of
"Monster-a-Go-Go".
>Path:
>sn-us!sn-xit-01!supernews.com!207.217.77.43.MISMATCH!newsfeed1.
>earthlink.net!newsfeed.earthlink.net!stamper.news.pas.earthlink.net!
>newsread2.prod.itd.earthlink.net.POSTED!not-for-mail
>From: Stephen Ratliff <stephenbratliff@earthlink.net>
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW TNG Royal and Prime Directives 6/16 [PG] (Marrissa Stories)
>Message-ID: <c5q0euotvo9riacsgdc23k85mos4k8ni8i@4ax.com>
>X-Newsreader: Forte Agent 1.8/32.548
CROW: X-Newsreader! Anne Curry gains super mutant powers!
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>Date: Tue, 14 May 2002 01:35:59 GMT
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>NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 13 May 2002 18:35:59 PDT
>Organization: EarthLink Inc. -- http://www.EarthLink.net
>Xref: sn-us alt.startrek.creative:159075
>
>Title: Royal and Prime Directives
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Contact: stephen at trekiverse dot org
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories
>Part: NEW 6/16 Serialized Weekly (resuming this week after awards delay)
MIKE: Awards delay?
CROW: Stephen takes time off every year to picket the Oscars.
TOM: Well, you never know - one day they may actually give Marina Sirtis
the Best Supporting Actress award.
>Rating: [PG]
>Summary: The crew of Enterprise-E investigates a planet where a starship
>Captain crashed 20 years ago has been ruling a small nation
>
CROW: His name? Saddam Hussein.
>Chapter Five: Leaders exit stage right
>
MIKE: [Snagglepuss] Immediately, even!
> Beverly, Clara, and Cedric had just reached the gates of Odyssey.
TOM: But there's still a 45 minute wait to actually get on the ride.
>They could hear the church bells toll ten times as they rode their
>rinnebeasts through the tall white gates.
CROW: Meaning it's time for "The Price is Right"
> As they reached the first
>intersection, Cedric paused. "I believe it's time for us to part company,"
>Cedric said.
MIKE: [Cedric] You can't get me drunk. You won't get me laid. Your
usefulness is at an end.
> "Sister, the cloister is four streets down,
TOM: [Cedric] And your Charmander is across town.
> and two streets to
>the right.
MIKE: And straight on 'till morning.
> Young Clarrissa, you'll find both the Prancing Faire and the
>White Dove, two blocks from here."
CROW: Why's he sending Clarrissa to gay bars?
> "And if I want to try the Golden Rinnebeast?" Clara asked, with a
>mischievous grin.
TOM: Try it with duck sauce.
> "And why would you want to do that?" Cedric asked
> "I've got a friend who's third mate on merchant vessel," Clara said.
MIKE: [Cedric] Hey, hey! Say no more, sister!
>"I want to see if she's in town."
CROW: [Clarrissa] I promised her we'd pub crawl tonight, maybe take in
a rave!
> "Third left, and all the way to the docks," Cedric said. "And if
>you have time before school starts, feel free to stop by to see me."
ALL: Ewwwwww!
> "And where do you live?" Clara asked.
> "Duke of Avtra's residence, near the West gate, It's impossible to
>miss," Cedric said.
MIKE: [Cedric] It's the butt-ugliest house in town.
> "A Duke's residence?" Clara said, somewhat surprised.
TOM: [Cedric] I'll be the one outside begging for scraps.
> "I am the Earl of Avtra, now, so my father frowns upon me living in
>the old sailor quarters I used to frequent," Cedric said.
MIKE: It used to be fine back when he was a boy, but now...
> "I must be off.
>The King will no doubt want my report, and I believe one of the gate keepers
>recognized me.
TOM: [Cedric] And I think I owe him ten bucks! I gotta bail!
> Good day, honored sister, young lady."
MIKE: [Cedric] Whateveryournamesare!
> With that, Cedric
>turned his rinnebeast and rode off towards the west end of town.
CROW: Where he was mugged, pantsed, and his rinnebeast stripped for parts.
> Now that Cedric was gone, Clara turned to the Doctor. "Did you
>notice those gates?" Clara asked.
TOM: *snort*
MIKE: [Clara] So that guy was royalty. Hey, check out that fencework!
CROW: Kind of ironic that she's asking Dr. Crusher about Gates though,
isn't it?
> "The ones that look like they were made out of the hull of a
>starship?" Beverly said. "Yes. Jean-Luc will want to know about those.
TOM: [Beverly] He's been looking all over for a pair. Home Depot was out.
>I want you to go get yourself a room. Try the White Dove first.
CROW: [Clara] But I hate white chocolate!
> I have to
>meet Jean-Luc at the market.
MIKE: Yeah. "Meet me at the market a couple days from now." That's not
directions, that's how you ditch the weird girlfriend.
> Give me your rinnebeast. I'll sell them off,
>and meet you at the inn around two."
>
MIKE: Wonder what the used Rinnebeast market is like?
CROW: Hi! I'm Cal Worthington, and this is my Rinnebeast, Spot!
> In the center of the marketplace, Beverly Picard waited. She'd
>gotten rid of her nun's outfit,
TOM: Now she was wearing her "Naughty Policewoman" costume.
> and now wore the typical dress of a merchant
>seaman's wife,
MIKE: An extra-short Japanese schoolgirl uniform!
> that is a well worn skirt and blouse, sort of a cream in
>color, highlighted with a red twine belt, the sign of a captain's wife.
CROW: All the other women wearing red rope belts had been arrested for
impersonating a wife.
>The marketplace was quite full.
TOM: Even John Flansburg was there talking about Napster.
> There were butchers and bakers, farmers and
>candlestick makers.
MIKE: And there was Jack and Mrs. Sprat, Little Jack Horner, Mary Quite
Contrary, and all the kings horses and all the kings men were there
having scrambled eggs for breakfast again.
CROW: And loan sharks. Don't forget the throngs of loan sharks.
> A woman passed by, with a basket full of eggs and a
>couple young children following her. The children wore little or nothing,
>not an uncommon trait of tropical cultures.
TOM: But since we never established that we're in a tropical culture, these
kids are just exhibitionists.
> In the center of the market place, there was some sort of memorial.
TOM: The VFW put up another statue of General Pershing.
>Beverly walked over to it, as it would be a typical meeting place. It was a
>granite half disk, sent in the ground at about a sixty degree angle.
MIKE: It's Albany's "Egg" arena at the Empire State Plaza.
>She took the time to read it's inscription.
TOM: *sigh* Yes, it is inscription.
MIKE: You're picking at the little things again, Crow.
TOM: I know. Sometimes, I just can't help it.
> "For the dead of the town of
>Sappor, dead the last day of the reign of King Ferrel IX.
CROW: Well that's what happens when you make a ferret a king. He spends
all day poinging around the palace, proclaiming every day National
karaoke day, getting distracted by shiny objects, running from
switchblade-carrying rabbits...
> May the world
>remember, but not suffer, their loss.
TOM: "Unless there's something good on TV."
> Erected on this ninth day of the
>second year of the reign of King Richard I." It was followed by a long list
>of names.
MIKE: Oddly, it turned out to be the 1927 Yankees line-up.
> Beverly found the inscription puzzling.
CROW: [Beverly] "Make Seven Up Yours". What the...
> She was still looking at it when Captain Picard arrived. "Good
>Afternoon, my love," he said, as he came up beside her.
> Beverly jumped,
TOM: Well, might as well jump.
CROW: Yeah, go ahead and jump.
> a little startled. "Don't do that!" Beverly said.
> Jean-Luc nuzzled up to his wife,
TOM: What is he, a porpoise?
> "Do what?" he whispered in her ear.
MIKE: [Beverly] Grab my butt and make that honking sound!
> "Startle me," Beverly replied, as he embraced her. "What do you
>make of this?"
CROW: [Johnny] Why, I can make a hat. Or a broach! Or a pterodactyl!
> "Remember, but not suffer?" Jean-Luc read. "Captain York always did
>have an interesting turn of the phrase."
MIKE: Of course, he makes less sense than most Dadists...
> "Shall we be going?" Beverly asked. "I've been wanting to see your
>ship again."
TOM: Was that a euphemism?
MIKE: Hard to tell.
> "I thought we might make a little detour to a little alcove I
>found," Jean-Luc said, kissing her.
TOM: Okay, that was *definitely* a euphemism.
CROW: Whoa! Picard must've picked up some Sapporan Viagra!
> "Captain Jean-Luc Picard!" Beverly said, acting scandalized at her
>husband's behavior.
MIKE: Um... mission? Focus, guys? Before the plot hits you?
> "Or perhaps a stop at hotel..." Jean-Luc said, throughly enjoying
>teasing his wife.
CROW: [Picard, sing-songily] Free HBO!
> "Or perhaps a stop in the brig," a stout man with a red beard said.
MIKE: Yukon Cornelius strikes again!
TOM: [Yukon Cornelius] Have I ever told you about bumbles? Bumbles bounce!
> The Captain and the Doctor looked up to discover a man on a golden
>rinnebeast, surrounded by his accompanying guard. "I don't believe we've
>met," Picard said, recovering from his surprise.
MIKE: [Picard] Or at least I hope we haven't! [mumbling] Damn Viagra-
induced blackouts...
> "Well, I know you, Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation
>Starship Stargazer," the man said.
CROW: They're so backwards on this planet they haven't even seen the "Next
Generation" tech manual!
> "And if I'm not mistaken, your companion
>is that strumpet that Jack Crusher always had on his arm...
TOM: Strumpet?
CROW: I guess that means Troi is Riker's strombone.
> Beverly, If I
>remember correctly. I'll have to put a watch out for him.
MIKE: [Harlan] He likes Seiko, right?
> I'm Lord Harlan,
>Chief of Palace Security, and I'm charging you with treason."
CROW: John Ashcroft *is* Lord Harlan!
> "I don't know what you're talking about," Jean-Luc said. "I'm just
>the captain of a small ship in the harbor."
TOM: [Roger Whitaker] o/` I'm the captain of a shiiiip in the hah-ah-arbor!
And I'm not here to spy on yooooou at aaaaall! o/`
> "We'll see about that." Lord Ellison said.
CROW: Ellison? It *is* Harlan Ellison! See?
> "Guards, seize them."
CROW: [Larry] We seez them!
TOM: [Curly] Yeah, dey're right dere!
MIKE: [Moe] Get with it, you knuckleheads!
> Two men took hold of Beverly, one grabbing hold of each arm.
TOM: Quickly, they disarmed her.
MIKE & CROW: D'OH!!!
> As she
>struggled futilely, she saw two more soldiers had Jean-Luc.
CROW: Sheesh! Kirk would've needed like five guards fighting him off
one at a time to get caught.
TOM: Or one cute technicolor woman bonking him with a rock from behind.
> "Charge them with public lewdness, and put them in the bottom of the
>dungeon," Lord Harlan said.
>
MIKE: He tried putting the last prisoners on the *side* of the dungeon, but
they just wouldn't stick.
TOM: So, let's recap. Public nudity is okay, but kissing sends you to the
dungeon. Everyone clear on this?
CROW: Daaamn! They landed on Planet Taliban!
> Prince Avery entered the throne room
MIKE: Geez, now I've got to use the throne room.
CROW: You should have thought about that before you came in here, Mike.
> from the door labeled "Portside
>Gym." It was one of the original entrances to the throne room, located just
>to the right of the throne.
TOM: So the bridge was right next to the gymnasium? What, did Jack La Lane
design the Odyssey?
> He'd just come from his room, where he'd
>changed out of his dusty riding clothes.
MIKE: So much for trying not to get dusty.
> Now he wore a clean cut outfit.
CROW: In fact, he looked just like Fred MacMurray!
>It was dark blue, his favored color, and had the rather simple symbol of
>the Royal Family embroidered on the left breast in silver and gold thread.
TOM: Oh c'mon, it's just an old Izod shirt!
CROW: Now, this is *not* his gym outfit, right?
>His mother appraised his attire as Lord Kelsey announced his arrival.
CROW: She offered him $50 - $55 if he threw in the shoes.
> He hadn't
>expected to see her.
CROW: [Avery] MOOOOOM! Stop it! I can dress myself!
MIKE: [Claire] Not until you stop putting underwear on the outside.
CROW: [Avery] But it's the style!
MIKE: [Claire] Not *MY* underwear, it isn't!
> Queen Claire wore a woven white dress that hid her thin body.
MIKE: As dresses are wont to do.
> She'd
>lost a lot of weight in her latest illness, and it showed in her haggard
>face. She did not look like she should be up.
TOM: Overall, just remember: don't get old. And if you must get old, don't.
> "Mother, you should be in bed," Prince Avery whispered as he took
>his usual spot next to her.
MIKE: [Avery] And why do you keep calling me Oedipus?
> "I will not miss this day," the Queen said, back "You can have me
>packed up to bed after we make the announcement."
TOM: Only if he has enough styrofoam peanuts.
> "The Duchess of Castrome and her daughter,
CROW: [Announcer] Princess Bag'o'Hammers! D'OH! I mean...!
> the Lady Hayley," Lord
>Kelsey announced. The door men pulled the rope that opened the siding door
>where most entered the throne room.
MIKE: The siding door - it's attractive, and lasts longer than wood.
CROW: Get a free estimate today at 1-888-SIDINGDOOR! No salesmen will call!
> Prince Avery immediately was drawn to his future wife.
TOM: Her powerful electromagnetic broach worked like a charm.
> Lady Hayley
>was dressed in a deep green gown, and wore a short white cape with the
>crimson Latin cross of Castrome on it.
CROW: The adventures of Feudal Woman!
> She and her mother approached the
>throne. They curtseyed deeply,
TOM: In fact, it was 3 hours before they came up for air.
> Hayley looking directly at him. She had
>beautiful deep blue eyes.
MIKE: You could see the back of her head through them!
> They took their place in the Castrome seats to
>the left of the throne.
CROW: Castrome Convertibles?
> Of the four Dukedoms, Castrome had the closest
>seats to the King in the throne room.
MIKE: Early in the process of national identity-formation, they called
"shotgun".
> Avery decided that it was time he sat
>in his, and crossed in front of his mother and father to sit in his chair,
>just one step down from his parents.
TOM: *gasp* He crossed the thrones!
MIKE: Is that bad?
TOM: Try to imagine all royalty as you know it stopping instantaneously,
and every molecule in your castle exploding at the speed of light.
MIKE: Alright, important safety tip.
> Lord Kelsey was announcing more arrivals. "The Earl of Avtra and
>heir to the Dukedom, Cedric."
CROW: The Original Earl of Comedy.
> "Ah, Earl Cedric," the King said. "May I hope that my former
>minstrel brings this court good news?"
CROW: Yes! Important news on life insurance that no monarch can afford to
be without! You cannot be turned down!
> "Some, your majesty," Cedric said.
MIKE: [Cedric] We *are* getting a PetsMart, but Krispy Kreme still won't
touch us.
> "Our best dragon just flew with
>30 stone. We may have that air force you mentioned sooner than you think.
[pause]
MIKE: If we're getting the Pern Kids Crew in here I'm leaving.
TOM: Not before you pull out my memory modules, you're not.
>And my lady wife is with child."
CROW: His gentlemen wife is still barren, though.
> "I wasn't aware you had wed," the King said.
TOM: [Cedric] Oh really, uh, I'm sure I sent you an invitation... (Under
his breath) Car-keys-car-keys-car-keys!
> "Yes, just five months ago," Cedric said.
MIKE: [Cedric] And she's only three months along. Get your mind out of
the gutter, sire.
> "Perhaps you remember
>Lady Abby of Arlipor?"
MIKE: Angie Harmon!
CROW: No, Stockard Channing!
TOM: Either way - *grrrrrrrwl*!
> "Wasn't that the girl that broke your favorite lute the day before
>you became Earl?" the King asked.
CROW: [Cedric] Yep. I made her marry me!
TOM: [King] You're a cruel, cruel man, Cedric.
> "The same," Cedric replied. "I also have some private communication
>for you and my honored sister-in-law."
MIKE: [Cedric] I'd read it to you now, except it gets kinda randy.
> "Lord Kelsey, reserve some time after court for Earl Cedric," the
>King said. "I look forward to our chat."
TOM: [King] I'll be HunniBunni421 and you can be Born2bone.
> "Lord Edwin of Fishmong..." Lord Kelsey announced
ALL: [bored] Yay.
TOM: [Kelsey] Mr. and Mrs. George W. Grizzwald.
[Everybody cheers excitedly]
> as Avery lost
>attention.
TOM: Quick! Break out the Ritalin!
> He was too busy examining Lady Hayley.
CROW: Subject: Human adolescent female age between 16 and 19. Current
status: bootylicious!
> Hayley wasn't paying
>attention either. She was staring at her feet,
TOM: Trying to remember which one had the "L" written on it.
> while one hand played with
>her golden hair.
CROW: And sucking on a lollipop too, no doubt.
> Avery had built up an image of her in his day dreams when
>he had decided that Lady Hayley was who he wanted.
MIKE: [Avery] Hey, she doesn't look a *thing* like Charlize Theron!
> She didn't disappoint.
TOM: Now, is that the real Lady Hayley, or is that Lady Amidala pretending
to be the servant, or what?
>True her cleavage was slight,
CROW: Aw, man, Noah's gonna be so disappointed.
> and she was rather small, as evidenced by her
>swinging legs, but she had all Avery wanted.
MIKE: Property, power and the brains of a mayonnaise sandwich.
> She was cute. She was Avery's
>age, and she was his.
TOM: o/' You're sixteen - you're beautiful - and you're miiiine! o/`
> With the entry of the last of the observing members of the nobility,
>the Countess of Dunson and her son, Lord Kelsey lifted his ornate staff
CROW: Eww, not in public!
>and pounded it for order. The room quieted.
TOM: [Noble] Well, better listen up, Old Starchy wants to talk.
MIKE: [Noble] Yeah, time for the daily crockpot!
> "Welcome to the Court of Odyssey,
>on this the fourth day of the third month of the twentieth year
TOM: Now add that up, and reduce the answer to shillings and pence.
> in the reign
>of his most tranquil majesty, Richard the First of Ellosia.
CROW: [Kelsey] Let's give it up for King Dicky, and a shout out to his
mad posse!
> Before we take
>up the petitions before the throne, his majesty has ask me to read the
>following proclamation."
MIKE: [Kelsey] *ahem* "His most gracious Majesty, the King, wishes to
inform his loyal subjects of the opportunities available in Amway."
> "To all Lords and Ladies of Ellosia, it gives great pleasure for me
>to announce the engagement of Prince Avery Richard Paul,
TOM: Prince Richard Paul?
CROW: Handle it, Roy. Hannleit, hannleit!
> heir to my throne
>and Earl of Suppor,
MIKE: And baron of between-meal snacks.
> son of our self and our most gracious Queen Claire,
TOM: [Kelsey] We think...
>to Lady Hayley Desiree,
CROW: I think that's actually her porn star name.
> heir to the Dukedom of Castrome and daughter of the
>Duchess of Castrome and Lord Eldon of Avtra, third son of the Duke of Avtra.
CROW: [Kelsey] Pretentious title, pretentious title, unnecessary lineage,
yadda yadda yadda...
TOM: If they get the counting wrong the monarchy's dissolved and they have
to start from scratch.
>The blessed union will occur three weeks from last Sunday.
MIKE: So that would be two weeks from this Sunday and five weeks before
seven Sundays from now.
> We hereby summon
CROW: ...Candyman! Candyman! Ca-
TOM: Crow, no!
>all the ruling Lords of Ellosia to Odyssey for this most scared union.
TOM: [Avery, voice cracking] I-I-I'm not scared! Th-the thought of-of
marriage d-d-d-doesn't scare memememe a b-b-bit!!
>Signed King Richard."
MIKE: A.K.A., Grand Funkmaster Most High.
> Lady Hayley looked up cautiously.
TOM: [Nature documentary] The young female pops quickly out of her hole
and ascertains her surroundings before making any rash movements.
> She was blushing, and everyone
>was looking at her.
CROW: [Hayley] I *knew* I shouldn't have worn these shoes! They make my
feet look so fat!
> Avery stood up. He walked down to his intended bride.
>"My lady, I believe we are wanted on the dais,"
BOTS: o/` On the dais, on the dais - ohohoh, on the dais! Hayley's wanted
on the dais! o/`
MIKE: Okay, if I can't mention Christopher Cross, where do you two get
off with the Falco bits?
CROW: It's a matter of, um, perspective, Mike.
MIKE: "Perspective"?
TOM: It's complex. You wouldn't understand.
> Avery said, reaching out for
>Hayley's hand. She took it and stood.
TOM: And of course she can't shout "NO!", flip over the table, and run out
the door crying. No, *that* might actually be *interesting*!
> Her hand was so soft and small.
MIKE: He actually thought she was Dale.
>Side by side, they walked up the aisle to the throne.
TOM: Nay! They skipped, lighting the world aflame with their transcendent
love!
> As Avery bowed before his parents and Hayley curtsied, the Queen
>collapsed, siding out of her throne and on to the floor.
CROW: There's cheap aluminum everywhere! Oh, the humanity!
> A cry of alarm
>rose up in the room,
MIKE: A shot rang out and the lights darkened. When they were lit again,
somebody lay dead on the floor.
> as the King moved to his wife's side, gently laying her
>out on the dais before the throne. "Send for the Royal Doctor!" the King
>ordered.
MIKE: [Guard] CALLING DR. BOMBAY!
TOM: [Ditto] CALLING DR. BOMBAY!
> Almost before he completed the command the Doctor brust into the
>room from a side door, two men carrying a litter behind him.
TOM: Of course! Puppies will make this all better!
> As the doctor made his way to the Queen's side, he could be heard to
>mutter,
CROW: [Doctor] I bet the HMO won't cover this!
> "I told her she needed to stay in bed, but did she listen to me..."
CROW: [Doctor] Now I suppose they're gonna blame *me* her jaw fell off.
> Avery watched as his mother was placed on the litter.
MIKE: Bad Queen! You go here! Not on the carpet!
> Hayley had
>found her way under his arm,
TOM: Even now, she was turning an interesting shade of green from his
noxious bodily funk.
> and he drew comfort from her steady presence,
CROW: And copped a feel at the same time.
>but he still was worried.
MIKE: [Avery] Jeez, I'm at a major booty call and I'm *still* worried about
my mother. What is wrong with me?
> His father's face was drawn with lines of worry,
TOM: Probably by Frank Miller.
>as the King held his wife's hand. The litter began to leave the throne
>room.
CROW: Wait! Don't forget to separate your recyclables!
> The King looked around the room as he moved as if to follow the
>Queen.
MIKE: [King] If I follow as far as the foyer, I can slip away to Ye
Olde Royal Strippe Clubbe.
> Then he approached his son. "Avery, I know this is a little sudden,
TOM: But get out!
>and you've had no time to prepare," the King began,
CROW: Still, it's gonna count as 20% of your final grade.
> "but I want you to
>handle court today.
MIKE: Sifuentes is out sick, and Kuzak's got too many cases of his own.
> I'm too worried about your mother to make decisions
>today."
CROW: [King] I'm just gonna go back to bed and watch Oprah.
> "Father, what makes you think I'd do any better," Avery replied.
MIKE: [Avery] On the other hand, I could hardly do any worse...
TOM: [King] Hey!
>"She is my mother, and I've never held court before."
TOM: Why not just ask everybody to use their best judgement for eight hours?
CROW: Right. Last time they did that the Duke of Fasstime sold Ellosia for
a set of magic beans.
> "Try for me, Avery," the King said.
TOM: [King] C'mon, don't make me do any actual work here.
> "If you don't feel comfortable
>deciding something, you can have it wait until I can handle it,
CROW: [Townsperson] Your Majesty! A giant monster is attacking and half
the city is on fire! What should we do?
MIKE: [Avery] Hmm, I'd better wait on this one.
> and my
>ministers will give you any advice you need. Chin up, son.
MIKE: [King] That's good. Now, stand up straight. Tummy in. Chest out.
You too, Hayley!
> I'm sure your
>mother will recover."
CROW: [Avery] But her torso just fell off!
MIKE: [King] A minor setback. No biggie.
> Avery looked at his father. The words did not match the worn lines
>of worry etched into his father's face.
MIKE: He's been badly dubbed!
TOM: [Bad Kung Fu movie] Youmyson! You! Must hold court! Inmyplace! *GRUNT!*
> But what could Avery do?
TOM: Well, he could order a pepperoni & sausage pizza.
MIKE: Or prance and gad about like a ninny.
CROW: Or depose Ma & Pa and seize the throne in a vicious, bloody power grab.
> He wasn't
>a doctor, and if he joined is father in pacing outside his mother's room
>he'd only get in the way.
CROW: My sister's cat is more aware than Avery, and the cat keeps walking into
the wall.
> "I hope so, father," Avery said. "I'll try my
>best."
TOM: It took the king 10 minutes to stop chuckling.
> "Thank you, Avery," the King said before turning to hurry to his
>Queen's bedside.
MIKE: [King] Claire? Honey? C'mon, seriously, where'd you hide the key to
the liquor cabinet?
> Avery went over to move his chair, Hayley at his side. "Have you
>ever done this?" he whispered
MIKE: [Hayley] Oh sure, with lots of guy- oh wait, the holding court thing.
CROW: Ahem, Mike?
MIKE: What? Oh all right, I'll put ten bucks into the "Pot Calling the
Kettle Black" jar.
CROW: Fifteen, Mike. You know the rules.
> as he moved it to sit on the step in front of
>the throne.
MIKE: He's using a booster throne?
> Hayley moved her chair, which had been discreetly moved to sit
>beside Avery's on the lower dais. "No," Hayley whispered back. "I've only
>watched in my mother's ducal court."
TOM: Y'know, I'm not even convinced "ducal" is even a word.
CROW: Then why'd you use it in Scrabble yesterday?
> "Same here," Avery said. "Pay much attention?"
CROW: [Hayley] Umm... What?
MIKE: Too bad none of them saw inheriting their parents' kingdoms as a
possibility.
> "No," Hayley replied.
TOM: I remember that we're supposed to give the claimants polearms and
babble about quatloos though.
> "We're in a trouble, aren't we?" Avery said, sitting down.
TOM: [Haley] Bah! How hard can it be?
MIKE: [herald] Sir, first we have two women, both of whom claim to be the
mother of this baby.
CROW: [Avery] Oh poopie!
> Hayley
>sat down next to him, and grabbed his hand, giving him a squeeze of support.
>"Lord Kelsey, we're ready as we'll ever be."
>
CROW: And that's so very sad.
> Clara had nothing to do.
MIKE: Well, if you don't count the away mission, no.
TOM: Let's watch a bored Clara make a foolish mistake with the phaser pistol.
> This wasn't a common event for the young
>girl. She'd checked into a room at the White Dove an hour ago.
CROW: It sings a song just like she's singing - ooh, baby, ooh, said ooh.
> Since then,
>she had lunch and left the Inn to began learning her way around town.
TOM: Now she was beginning to suspect that when the waiter warned about the
"Castrome Two-Step", he wasn't talking about a dance move.
>Waiting around was not something Clara did.
CROW: She waited only in a straight line.
> The sun was shining high in the sky as she made her way through the
>town. The broad cobblestone main streets were mostly empty, under the heat
>of the day.
MIKE: But they do have a nice "Riverwalk" festival every spring.
> Still there were the usual merchants and towns people walking
>around. A city constable, with his black helmet, nodded to Clara as they
>passed each other.
TOM: But except for the merchants and the townsfolk and the cops, it was
just plain empty.
> Tranquil, was the word to describe the city of Odyssey.
CROW: Nyquil, was the thing you drank to live there.
> As she turned the corner, Clara spied a couple familiar forms,
MIKE: It was William Rehnquist and Li'l Kim.
>two sailors, one male, one female.
TOM: Admiral Dewey seen on the town with Princess Serena!
> "Lieutenant Calgary, Marrissa!" she hailed.
ALL: Hail, Clara!
> Both turned to face Clara. "Clara!" Marrissa said, as Clara ran up.
CROW: [Marrissa] We weren't making out! I mean, Hi!
>"I didn't expect to see you for another day or so."
TOM: [Marrissa] In fact, I don't think I'm seeing you now.
> "I just arrived an hour ago," Clara said. "What have you been up to?"
CROW: [Marrissa] The belltower.
TOM: Bdum-dump.
> "She's trying to get herself killed," Calgary said.
TOM: Yeah, and just our luck, it's the one thing she's *not* any good at!
> "In just the
>last hour, she stuck her head into a bell that was about to ring, stepped in
>front of a running rinnebeast, and nearly had her head chopped off when she
>dislodged an ax from a wall display.
MIKE: And we missed it *all*?
> And that's not even counting the harp
>that just missed her when it fell out a third story window."
TOM: The Odyssey Philharmonic! The Galaxy's most feared assassins!
MIKE: [Calgary] Then there was the whole anvil incident, and the time when
she strapped on Acme Rocket Skates and started chasing me around with
a giant magnet.
> "You've got to be kidding," Clara said.
MIKE: Sadly, though, he's not.
> "I remember the bell,
TOM: o/` Ah yes! I remember the bell! o/`
> and the rinnebeast, but as for the harp and
>the ax, I have no idea what he's talking about," Marrissa said.
> "Of course you don't," Calgary said. "You're a nexus of disaster,
CROW: And she doesn't even have Captain Kirk with her.
>totally obvious to the dangers around you.
MIKE: Just like Anna Nicole Smith!
> And I have to be assigned to a
>team with you."
CROW: Yes, you are truly the Buttons to her Mindy.
> "What are you doing, here anyway?" Clara asked. "I thought you'd be
>too busy running the boat."
> "Ship," Marrissa corrected.
TOM: [Clara] Whatever. Is the old tub still floating?
> "Technological assessment. I'm
>supposed to be guarding him while he pokes around for technological
>inconsistencies."
TOM: Seems like it's the other way around.
> "May the Lord have mercy on my soul," Calgary murmured.
CROW: [Basso] If I did, do you think you'd be stuck with her?
> "Then have you seen the Castrome Road Gate?" Clara asked.
TOM: Oh, you mean the one that has the sign that says "Abandon hope all ye
who enter here"?
> "No, we just came from looking at the clockworks on that big church
>over there," Marrissa pointed to the visible towers of the Church of the
>Overflowing Cup.
MIKE: Why do I get the feeling that Bob and Doug McKenzie would be right
at home here?
> "It was a fascinating weight and chain design," Calgary said.
>"In line with technological levels, but also very innovative.
CROW: [Calgary] Who knew you could cram that many hamsters into a clock?
> The automatic
>weight switching and chain looping,
MIKE: That's the secret that helps you tone your muscles while you shed
those extra pounds.
> well I don't think I've ever seen
>anything like it."
> "It was boring," Marrissa said.
CROW: Leave it to Marrissa to deflate anything that could possibly be
interesting.
> "I got more out of the murals.
TOM: She was intrigued by the huge ones reading "SEE ROCK CITY" and "WALL
DRUG, 151.2 LY AHEAD".
>There was this great one of the Last Supper, the artist put real emotions
>into those apostles. It's too bad that part of Matthew is missing, and
>Thomas has a crack going through his face.
MIKE: [Marrissa] And I'm not sure at all what the poker playing dogs are
doing there.
CROW: Should I bother to point out the goofiness of having a painting of
The Last Supper on an alien planet with no ties to Earth?
TOM: Nope.
> Perhaps we should take a look at
>that gate though."
> "Follow me," Clara said, leading them down a broad avenue.
>
TOM: The Kids' Crew hits Sunset Boulevard!
> In the throne room of Odyssey Palace, Lord Kelsey's voice echoed, as
>he called forth the next case.
CROW: Today-ay-ay, I consider myself-self-self, the luckiest lord-ord-ord
on the face of Ellosia-ia-ia!
> "Edward, Baron Darkmore,
TOM: Oh, yeah, he's not a future antagonist. Why not just name him
Baron Evil von Henchling?
> appealing a ruling
>of His Grace, Murdock, the Duke of Avtra."
MIKE: [Kelsey] Something about B.A. not letting him drive the van, I believe.
> "Baron Darkmore, please state your appeal to the Crown,"
CROW: [Baron] Well, I'm tall, and I'm good looking, and I have a great sense
of style...
> Avery
>asked, dredging the formal response out of the depths of his training.
CROW: [deeply] I seek additional funding for my research into the dark
arts. Muah-ha-ha!
> "Your Highness, I wish to appeal the order of His Grace, the Duke of
>Avtra to move the guard post of my ancestors
MIKE: That guardpost has been passed down from father to son!
> along the Lake of Galilee -
>Janna Bay Road," the Baron said.
ALL: Galilee?
CROW: Ratliff's making a story out of five loaves and two fishes.
> "To move it would do a great disservice to
>the travelers along that road,
TOM: Where else can you get Premium Unleaded for only $1.26-9?
> and would break the sacred duty which my
>ancestors have preformed for centuries along this road."
CROW: Namely, shaking down unsuspecting peasants.
TOM: Plus, the Stuckey's next door will probably have to go out of
business, so where would people get their pecan candy then?
> "Hmmm, and who speaks for the Duke in this matter?" Avery asked.
MIKE: Wasn't it usually Ward Bond or Walter Brennan?
> Cedric stood, and approached the throne. "I do," he said.
CROW: [Avery] I now pronounce you sissy minstrel and wormy duke.
You may kiss the noble.
> "Earl Cedric, please state the reason for moving this post of long
>establishment," Avery said.
TOM: The Vogons want to build a highway.
> "My Lord Prince, the reasons for the movement of this post are
>many," Cedric said.
CROW: [Cedric] Tectonic plates, planetary rotation, the spin of the
galaxy, you name it!
> "Perhaps first and foremost is that we are also
>relocating that stretch of road. The construction of the Galilee Janna Bay
>Canal has almost reached that location,
MIKE: And Israel's already annexed it.
> and the road is the path which the
>canal will take. Second, we wish for a post to guard a spring along the new
>road."
CROW: [Springy] NOOOOOOOO SPRINGS! *cuckoo*
TOM: Hey! Stephen did a "Ranma" joke earlier, now he's talking about a
spring - you know what this means? Before we're done, Marrissa's
gonna get turned into a panda!
> "Earl Cedric, will the building of the canal require you to take
>down this guard post?" Avery asked.
TOM: [Reagan] Mr. Gorbachev, take down this Guardpost!
> "No, the guard post is on a hill," Cedric said.
MIKE: You laugh, but this same squabbling goes on over where to post
mall cops.
> "However, it will
>be unable to access the road once the canal is complete, rendering it
>useless as a guard for the road. That is why my Father ordered it moved."
CROW: Thrill as the spine-tingling, heart-stopping, guardpost-relocating
action never lets up!
> "Baron Darkmore, do you have any response to the Earl of Avtra's
>reasoning," Avery asked.
TOM: [Baron] He's a big boogerhead.
> "No, you highness," the Baron replied.
CROW: And they couldn't have talked this over before schlepping up here
and wasting everyone's time?!? Sheesh!
> Avery was going to simply find for the Duke of Avtra, when suddenly
>he heard one of his father's favorite quotes.
MIKE: "Today, I do not want to hear about fur-bearing trout." - Robert
Benchley.
> "The best solution to a
>dispute is one which both sides win."
TOM: Ah, an Olympics ice-skating judge.
> "Earl Cedric is this post about half way between your border and
>Lake Galilee?" Avery asked.
CROW: [Cedric] Closer to Mt. Sinai, sir.
> "Close to, your highness, but only about a third of the total length
>of the canal from Lake Galilee," Earl Cedric said.
TOM: Uuuuh - huh?
CROW: Pert near.
TOM: Ah.
> "We plan to have the
>half way post closer to the current border."
TOM: See adjacent map, not enclosed for clarity.
CROW: Mike, will you kill me?
MIKE: Only if you kill me first.
CROW: How will that work?
MIKE: It won't. So shut up and read the story.
> Avery looked over at Lady Hayley, and whispered,
CROW: [Avery] Ix-ney on the footsies, dollface - I can't concentrate on
Dull and Duller over there!
> "How likely is it
>for Duke Murdock to get a border adjustment for the canal."
MIKE: Aw, you know he hates to go to the doctor!
> "Mother says that Grandfather will only get it over her dead body,"
>Hayley whispered back.
CROW: [Avery, whispering] Really? Because I know some people...
> "Does she have an objection to the canal itself?" Avery asked,
>suddenly concerned.
TOM: [Hayley] Yeah, it clashes with her steam train.
> "She wants the canal," Hayley replied. "She just wants to control
>the end point.
CROW: Oh, yeah, type A personality.
> Castrome needs the trade."
> "Earl Cedric, Baron Darkmore," Avery said, raising his voice so it
>could be heard. "I have made a decision.
MIKE: [Avery] I feel like chicken tonight!
> Baron Darkmore, you will hand
>over the control the guard post in question during the construction of the
>canal.
CROW: Oh, now he's gonna staff it with a bunch of teamsters, I bet.
TOM: Hey, a campaign promise is a campaign promise, y'know.
> Earl Cedric, inform your father that it is our wish that this post
>be made into one of the canal guard posts, and that the Baron be the first
>choice to run this guard post when the canal is completed.
TOM: [irritated] Look, I appreciate a good canal/guard post/real estate
confrontation as much as the next bot, but *is there a frickin'
point to all this*?!?
MIKE: Let me put it this way - no.
> Baron, I hope to
>be there when this canal is opened,
MIKE: [Avery] But you know how hard it is to find giant novelty scissors.
> and take a meal at your historic guard
>post,
CROW: [Avery] And it better not be a stinking Happy Meal, like *last* time!
> as my Father did at the mid post of the Avtra Honalee Canal when it
>opened."
[All snicker]
TOM: That must have been during the reign of Baron Jackie Paper.
> "Thank you, your highness," Baron Darkmore said.
MIKE: [Baron, muttering] Thanks a lot, ya little snot-nose-
CROW: [Avery] What was that?
MIKE: Nothing! Nothing, your great and powerful highness! Heh!
> "Lord Kelsey, next case please," Avery said, with newly acquired
>confidence.
>
TOM: Next we have a Mrs. Julie Andrews verses a Mr. Christopher Plummer...
>--
>Stephen Ratliff
>
-- Stephen Ratliff is the next case?
>
>"To hell with crack, heroin, whiskey, tobacco.
MIKE: Well, there goes the Rolling Stones' career.
> Writing is far and away
>the single most addictive thing in the universe, IMHO."
CROW: Oh, well you've never tried those Little Debbie snack cakes, then!
> ~ Greywolf
>
>Path: sn-us!sn-xit-06!supernews.com!newsfeed.wirehub.nl!news-
>out.visi.com!hermes.visi.com!newsfeed1.earthlink.net!newsfeed.earthlink.net!
>stamper.news.pas.earthlink.net!newsread2.prod.itd.earthlink.net.POSTED!
>31600fab!not-for-mail
>From: Stephen Ratliff <stephenbratliff@earthlink.net>
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW TNG Royal and Prime Directives 7/16 [PG] (Marrissa Stories)
TOM: 7/16! Seven of Nine's shy, bucktoothed cousin!
>Message-ID: <0ku5fug8c30tnij18tituf6qr62l889qvv@4ax.com>
>X-Newsreader: Forte Agent 1.8/32.548
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>Date: Tue, 28 May 2002 03:51:14 GMT
>NNTP-Posting-Host: 67.208.131.246
>X-Complaints-To: abuse@earthlink.net
CROW: [writing] Abuse at earth...
MIKE: I don't think that'll work for us.
>X-Trace: newsread2.prod.itd.earthlink.net 1022557874 67.208.131.246 (Mon,
>27 May 2002 20:51:14 PDT)
>NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 27 May 2002 20:51:14 PDT
>Organization: EarthLink Inc. -- http://www.EarthLink.net
>Xref: sn-us alt.startrek.creative:159245
>
>Title: Royal and Prime Directives
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Contact: stephen at trekiverse dot org
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories
>Part: NEW 7/16 Serialized Biweekly
TOM: The Perils of Pauline!
CROW: Commander Cody!
MIKE: Six Gun Justice!
TOM: The Kooky Antics of Martin Sussex!
>Rating: [PG]
>Summary: The crew of Enterprise-E investigates a planet where a
>starship Captain crashed 20 years ago has been ruling a small nation
>
TOM: You know, when Hollywood gets around to filming this, it'll be a teen
sex comedy set in Victorian England starring Nelly and Dame Judi Dench.
>Chapter Six: Sewers and Siblings.
>
CROW: Or, "Dinner With the Kennedy Family".
> Prince Avery was pacing outside his mother's rooms.
MIKE: I don't want to say Prince Avery's fat, but when he paces around
the rooms, he paces *around* the rooms!
>The doctor was still attending to the Queen, and only his father had
>been let inside.
TOM: [Bouncer] Hey, you're not on the list.
MIKE: [Avery] But I'm the prince!
TOM: [Bouncer] You're breakin' my heart. Beat it 'fore I bust your
kneecaps!
> He was worried about his mother. She had been so weak
>and sick lately. He did not want to lose her.
CROW: Which is why he had the tracking chip implanted in her skull.
> So he paced, waiting
>for any news, never straying far from the door.
TOM: Hanging around, pestering everyone, making a nuisance of himself.
> "Avery, could you sit down and stop pacing?" Lady Hayley said,
>from her seat on the bench next to the door.
MIKE: [Hayley] You're making me even dizzier than I normally am!
> "I think you've torn a
>hole in the carpet already."
> Avery looked down, to discover that where he had been turning
>there was a small rip in the carpet.
CROW: It's kooky 'cause it's minor wear and tear!
> "Oh boy, another hole in carpet,
TOM: Well, it matches the one in the plot.
>and this time I can't blame it on my little sister."
MIKE: There's the "random street mugging" form of delivering exposition
we love from Stephen!
> "Little sister? How come I haven't seen Princess Brittany?"
>Lady Hayley asked.
CROW: She's been moping around her room ever since she broke up with
Count Justin of Timberlake!
> "She should have been at court, shouldn't she
>have?"
> "Britt hasn't attend court in two years," Avery said.
TOM: Oops. She *didn't* do it again.
>She's off at Arm studying swordsmanship and tactics under Duke Nolan.
TOM: He's also teaching her how to throw a wicked fastball.
>Perhaps you saw Squire Brett when the Duke visited your mother's court
>a couple months ago?"
MIKE: [Hayley] No, but I saw Brett Somers on a "Match Game 74" rerun
a few days ago. Does that help?
> "That was her?" Hayley responded. "I never would have
>guessed."
TOM: [Hollywood Squares fanfare] BadaDAHdadaDAHdahdahdahDATdahdahDAaaaah!
MIKE: Brett's the Secret Squire! She's good for a trip to Mexico!
> "She's got Father wrapped around her little finger," Avery
>said, sitting down beside Hayley.
TOM: Must be some kinda new chiropractic therapy.
> "When I started sword lessons at
>eight, she started a week after me, even though she was only seven.
CROW: She even started shaving a week after I did!
>Britt wants to do everything I do, and do it better if possible.
MIKE: Either Marrissa's found a kindred spirit, or she'll have to kill
her as a rival for power.
>And she's really pretty good, though not as good as I am.
CROW: The story's message: Hard work and determination are no match
for slackish meandering.
> Father
>encouraged her, much to the court's dismay. Especially after she
>started to wear her sword to court.
TOM: She was cited for contempt 29 times in 3 hours.
> Then Father asked her what she
>wanted for her twelfth birthday.
MIKE: She wanted a starship.
> When she replied to be a knight,
>they came up with a plan for her to pose as a boy, and she's been
>living at Arm since."
MIKE: Well, you gotta hand it to her.
TOM: Yep, she's got her finger on the pulse of the nation.
CROW: And she's not gonna knuckle under.
> "Does Duke Nolan know?" Hayley asked.
TOM: I hope so. They've been married since she was eight!
> "Yes," Avery replied. "Britt thinks the Duke is giving her
>too many favors. Especially after she was made his personal squire.
MIKE: [Avery] She keeps complaining that he makes her sleep in her
uniform. With him. Not sure why she mentioned that...
TOM: It's TWO! TWO! Two kinks in one!
>I'll have to let you read her letter after she got that post. Father
>was quite amused by it.
CROW: [Avery] Course, Dad's amused by "Jackass", too, so...
> Especially since she complained about all the
>work just a paragraph later."
MIKE: [Avery] She keeps complaining about having to work with someone
called "Filthy Sanchez".
> The door to the queen's rooms slid open, revealing the King.
CROW: Wearing the Queen's robes.
>Prince Avery and Lady Hayley stood immediately, Lady Hayley offering a
>curtsy.
TOM: [Hayley] Have a curtsy, sir?
MIKE: [King] No thanks! I've just had twelve.
> "Hayley, you're almost family now,
TOM: [King] Seeing as how you have no choice but to marry my son
and all!
> you can stop doing that
>outside of public functions," the King said.
CROW: [King] Around here, you prostrate yourself. Now hop to!
> "Can I see Mother, now, Father?" Avery asked.
TOM: [King] No, we're seeing what happens if we put her in the
cloaking device.
> "The Doctor has ordered her to rest, but you can talk to her
>after dinner, Avery," the King replied. "Walk with me."
MIKE: If I could walk that way I wouldn't *need* a doctor.
> Hayley
>remained by the door, as Avery moved to follow his father. "You too,
>Hayley. So, Avery, how was court?"
TOM: [Enthused] It was great fun! I had everyone put to death!
> "Lots of work," Avery replied. "I hope I wasn't overstepping
>my bounds when I made a few decisions, Father."
MIKE: Well, he kinda told you to, kid.
TOM: [King] After I told you to run things, you go and run things!
You're no son of mine!
> "Aside from perhaps the Avtra case, there wasn't too much you
>could do wrong, Avery," the King said.
CROW: [King] You really *blew* that Avtra case, by the way.
> "I won't second guess your
>decisions.
MIKE: [King] I'll just countermand them behind your back.
> So, how did you solve that case?"
CROW: Shaggy pulled off the Baron's mask and showed us he was really
old Mr. Vernon from the mill.
TOM: Jeepers.
> "I told the Baron that the move was temporary,
CROW: And Baron von Dumbkowski bought it.
> and ordered the
>Earl to put the Baron on the top of the list for the guard post when
>the canal opens in about twenty years," Avery said.
MIKE: That's working things out ahead of schedule.
CROW: They learned their lesson from dealing with their Y2C problem.
> "I also had it
>designated as the mid point guard post, as it is about the mid point,
>if you only count the length inside Avtra."
TOM: "Law and Order: Special Guardpost Measuring Unit".
> "That canal could be trouble down the road," the King said.
>"Watch in carefully.
CROW: [King] Measure it every day. Set up guardposts every three feet
if you have to!
> Avtra and Castrome have nearly gone to war
>several times over lesser problems."
MIKE: Yeah, remember that one border incident?
CROW: The one caused by the softball through Mrs. Callaghan's window?
TOM: Or the one because of the armadillos?
MIKE: I was thinking about the time that one guy forgot to tape "24".
TOM: Oh, yeah. Boy, that was a bad one, wasn't it?
> "I know Father," Avery said as they reached his father's
>office.
CROW: [Avery] I read the Cliff Notes.
> The King unlocked the door, and proceeded them in. Avery once
>had dreaded his father's office. It was painted black,
TOM: What, without even *seeing* a red door?!
> even the
>ceiling, with a silver pattern on the wall, and irregular outline that
>Avery had tried to find a pattern in, when ever he was waiting for his
>father's punishment.
MIKE: Oh, that's just the outlines of all the crewmen who tried to stop
him that he had vaporized.
CROW: Yeah, pay it no mind.
> In the center was his father's heavy dark wood
>desk. It was one of the few things that had made it's way to Odyssey
>when the Capital had moved from Verifor.
MIKE: Wow, sentient, self-propelled furniture. No wonder York decided
to stick around.
> His father took his place
>behind the desk, and Avery and Hayley sank into the comfortable chairs
>on the other side.
TOM: They proceeded to pull out their handy-dandy notebooks and
crayons.
> You could tell how the conversation was going to
>go by which chairs were in the room.
CROW: They got a guy, Gary, full-time on the castle payroll - does
nothing but move chairs around all day.
> Avery was fairly sure that he
>wasn't going to be chewed out.
CROW: However, beatings, torture, and wedgies were still an option.
> "Avery, the doctor has given your mother a month to live,"
TOM: [King] And a bill for $5000.
> "No!" Avery exclaimed, standing up.
CROW: [Avery] We can't afford $5000!
TOM: [King] That's okay, he'll give her another month.
> "You can't let this
>happen!"
CROW: [King] Oh, like it's *my* fault.
> "Sit down," the King ordered. "Despite what you may think,
>people don't have to go to me for permission to die,
MIKE: That's what HMO's are for!
> and I can't stop
>death.
CROW: That's *my* domain.
MIKE: No it isn't.
CROW: Well it *should* be.
> There is nothing I can do about your mother's health, save
>getting the best doctors Ellosia has,
CROW: They insist on only the *finest* quality leeches!
> and insisting that she rest.
MIKE: [King] And scope out replacements.
>You know how hard it is to get her to rest, and as for the best
>doctors,
TOM: [King] You can hang *that* up!
> there is only one in Ellosia better than Doctor Anderson, and
>that's your Mother. She can't treat herself."
MIKE: Why not? This isn't Earth! Hippocratic Oath, Schmippocratic
Oath!
CROW: Yeah, who do you think she is, Abigail Bartlet?
> "If it weren't for you stupid Prime Directive, she would be
>well already," Avery said.
TOM: [Avery] And we'd have a space program and cable and I'd have a Beemer!
> "Perhaps, perhaps not," the King said. "There is no sense
>second guessing decisions made before your were born.
CROW: That kind of attitude could put soc.history.what-if out of business.
> You just have
>to live with the consequences.
MIKE: Yes, if it's an old, ill-informed decision with life-threatening
consequences, it can't possibly be wrong.
TOM: Changing things? That's for suckers and wussies!
> Your mother wants to see you married,
>and I intend to do everything possible to make sure she does.
CROW: [King] I had cable installed, and I've sold broadcast rights to E!
>Therefore, I'm moving up your wedding to nine days from now.
>I realize that's a short time to prepare for the rest of your life,
>Avery, Hayley, but it's the time you've been given.
TOM: They're gonna plan a whole royal wedding in nine days?! Give me
a break! That's not even enough time to pick out the flowers!
MIKE: Well, it helps move things along when your monarchy is absolute.
> Now if you'll
>excuse me, I'm expecting the Ambassador from Dinath."
TOM: That'll be a tough delivery.
> Avery and Hayley took that dismissal, and exited the room,
>passing by a servant bringing in one of the hard straight backed
>chairs.
CROW: Once again, ladies and gentlemen - Gary!
[All applaud]
> Avery nearly ran into the servant, his fists balled in
>frustration and anger
>
MIKE: [Avery] Stupid old man! Who died and made him king? Oh, wait...
> Later in the week, Marrissa and Calgary left the Golden
>Rinnebeast through the back exit.
TOM: Hair tousled, uniforms askew...
> By that door was a sewer access, a
>rough wooden board in a square metal frame. Calgary lifted it,
>revealing a ten foot drop to a shallow stream of sewage.
CROW: The world's worst Bungee Jumping exhibition!
> A ladder ran
>down one side, so they'd be able to come back up this way.
MIKE: Or even go down that way, if they wanted.
TOM: On the same ladder? No way!
> "Now let me get this straight, we're going to follow the sewer
>to it's source to try to find how they're handling it," Marrissa said.
TOM: With gloves, I hope! Yuck!
> "Yes, if they're using the Odyssey's waste extraction systems,
>we've got a Prime Directive violation.
MIKE: I don't want to say the city has a sewage problem, but when they
used the starship's plasma venting coils, they *really* used the
plasma venting coils!
BOTS: Huh?
MIKE: Uh - um - oh, look! Words!
> So far," Calgary said. "I
>haven't found any major ones,
TOM: Apart from taking over the country.
> and the minor differences are well
>within the expected variations in technical development."
MIKE: [Calgary] Although I still wonder about that holodeck they built
out of straw and tar.
> "Okay, I've got the lights, so as soon as I take off my pants,
>we'll get going," Marrissa said,
CROW: Oh, well sure, you gotta - tha hell?!?
> pulling off her pants,
TOM: [Calgary] Marrissa, are you sure? I mean we just met.
CROW: Mike? We're not getting the setup for a scene where Marrissa
becomes a woman, are we?
MIKE: I certainly hope not.
> leaving her
>only clad in her tunic, which went down just far enough to be decent,
>barely.
CROW: Now she's ready for her "Maxim" cover shoot.
> "I'm not going get sewage stains on my pants, if I can help it."
TOM: [Marrissa] I'll just cake my bare legs in it up to my thighs.
CROW: [Marrissa] And now that I think about it, this bra is itching me
something awful!
MIKE: Crow!
CROW: Stephen started it!
MIKE: Yes but... but... well... *sigh* I don't guess I can argue with you
there.
> "I'd be more worried about what comes from above," Calgary
>said, putting his tunic beside her pants.
CROW: So, is he going to be doing handstands through the sewage?
MIKE: Steve's plot is running through non-Euclidean space here.
> "I'll go first, and then
>you can hand the lamps down to me."
>
CROW: [Calgary] Then the end tables, then the area rug.
TOM: Uh, considering the fact that they're shucking off all their
clothes, I'd avoid using the word "area" for a while.
> Captain Lord Trevor had Castrome Point in his sight.
CROW: The time was approaching. Soon, the ferrets would be unleashed!
> Once he
>was beyond that, Castromepor would be just an hour away, and in clear
>view.
MIKE: It's the Thruway Rest Stop of Castrome.
> His vessel was traveling at full sail, a good knot above the
>speed most of the other vessels in the Ellosian Navy were capable of.
TOM: "Snail's Pace", as opposed to "Molasses Uphill".
>Below the Ellosian Ensign he flew his family's standard, modified with
>his Captain's knots.
CROW: [Kevin Meaney] Running junior officers up the flagpole! That's
just not right!
> He was proud of his new rank, and the trust he
>had been shown by being given this important assignment.
CROW: I'm proud of my new rank!
MIKE: I'm proud of the trust I'm shown!
TOM: And he thinks about this constantly.
> If at all
>possible, he was going to bring his friend Avery's future
>sister-in-laws back to Odyssey in record time.
>
TOM: *snicker*
MIKE: [Avery] Captain, I have a very critical assignment for you -
give my in-laws a lift, will ya?
TOM: And this episode of "Pointless Interlude Theater" comes to
a close.
> Avery had just come from seeing his mother again.
MIKE: [Avery] Boy, all she ever does is nag nag nag!
> The Queen
>seemed to sink into her bed, looking so thin and frail, not at all
>like the vibrant and active mother of his childhood.
TOM: Like he can remember that far back anyway.
> It disturbed
>him, so he was planning to try to put it out of his mind.
TOM: [Avery] Mom who?
MIKE: It didn't help that folks kept saying mommy wouldn't be dying on
him if he were a better boy.
>He'd stopped briefly at his rooms to put on some older clothes,
>before heading to the stables.
TOM: [Avery] I'll go terrorize the peons. That always cheers me up!
> As usual, he used one of the security poles
>to descend down the one floor to the stables.
[Laughter]
CROW: He arrived fully attired in his Batman outfit.
MIKE: The King must have built this castle based on the designs of
his dream treehouse.
> As he strode away from
>the pole, he heard a cry of pain behind him.
TOM: Oops, there goes little Bonnie Blue Butler.
> He turned around to see his intended sprawled at the base of
>the pole, grimacing. "Are you okay?" he asked, moving to her side.
CROW: [Hayley] Yeah, I just like to fall and clutch my guts randomly
from time to time. Keeps life interesting.
> "I think so," Hayley replied, accepting Avery's assistance to
>stand. "I've never done that before."
MIKE: [Hayley] I think it's the thought of marrying you!
> "It takes practice," Avery said.
CROW: [Python] Hold your head more like this - Waah! Waah!
> "I'm really not supposed to
>use the poles.
TOM: [Avery] Cowznofksy and Stankeiwicz get upset easily.
> They're for the guards, but it's a lot faster to use
>this one to get to the stables. So where are you heading?"
MIKE: No place in particular.
CROW: Man, I wish I was you!
> Hayley blushed, and said, "I was just following you in hopes
>that you'd get back to a part of the Palace that I know."
CROW: [Hayley] Is this the part Mickey Mouse lives in?
> "Well, I can have the stable manager take you to any place you
>need to go," Avery said. "Or you can join me in my mid-morning ride."
TOM: [Hayley, calling out] Stable manager! Stable manager!
> "I can?" Hayley said. "We don't have round up some major
>guard detachment first?"
MIKE: Sure, *they* go off riding their lizards, while the poor guards
stay behind and spray the castle's weeds!
TOM: Well, it's part of their job duties, Mike - to serve, protect and
defoliate.
> "I think they gave up on that a couple years ago," Avery said.
CROW: I see "Operation Get Rid of the Idiot Heir" is proceeding along.
>"I just have to have my sword, and my fast rinnebeast."
>
MIKE: [Avery] And my posse of doe-eyed nympho maids. Say hi, girls!
BOTS: [Maids] OHAIYO!!!
> In the dungeon of Odyssey Palace, Jean-Luc Picard and his wife
>were finally getting a visitor.
MIKE: [Picard] All right, all right, we *should* have expected the
Spanish Inquisition!
> Lord Harlan had just arrived and
>dismissed the guard.
TOM: they contribute nothing to the plot, so they're easily dismissed.
> "Lieutenant Harlan Foster, I hope you've come to release us,"
>Jean-Luc said.
CROW: [Harlan] Yes, but first you have to admit my script was better
than Roddenberry's.
> "It's Lord Harlan now," he said.
TOM: Oddly, this is an exact quote from Ellison.
> "And what makes you think
>I'd release one of the biggest threats to my King."
MIKE: [Picard] How about a fresh, crisp, brand new dollar bill, hmm?
CROW: [Harlan] You guys don't use money any more!
MIKE: [Picard] Blast!
> "My threat to your King, who I believe is Captain Richard
>York, the last known Captain of the starship Odyssey, depends on his
>actions in the last twenty years," Jean-Luc said.
CROW: [Picard] For example, how are his Amway sales going?
> "Your actions
>indicate that the likelihood of a court-martial is quite high."
TOM: Yeah, *that's* gonna convince him to let you go! Good job,
Captain Sack-of-Lugnuts!
CROW: Jean-Luc appears to be using the "Please Kill Me, You
Insufferable Clod" defense.
MIKE: He's the kinda guy who thinks yelling at the waitress helps.
> "And the likelihood of you being executed for treason is even
>higher," Harlan said.
MIKE: Vegas has it at 7-5.
> "I find that quite unlikely, Lieutenant," Jean-Luc said.
CROW: [Picard] Look you moron! We can't be charged with treason!
We're not citizens! We'd be charged with spying, not treason!
TOM: [Harlan] Fine! You're spies! Thanks for confessing! GUARDS!
CROW: [Picard] Oh, poopie!
> "As long as you're in my jail, it's my odds that count,"
TOM: Ah! Nice to see that the Mob still has influence in the future!
>Harlan said. "Now how many people do you have in Ellosia?"
CROW: Well, there's Stinky, and Rey-Rey, and Big Bertha...
MIKE: And Condor, and The Kid, and Old Man Carruthers...
TOM: And Roxie, and No-Nose, and Joey the Match...
> "Just the usual for the situation," Jean-Luc replied, laying
>back on his bunk.
MIKE: [Picard] Plus my compliment of demon ninjas. Say hi, fellas!
BOTS: [Ninjas] WASSAAAAABI!!!
> "Let's see if I remember regulations...
TOM: Since you've promoted yourself from "Lieutenant" to "Lord", my
guess is that you don't.
> ah yes," Harlan began.
>"A Prime Directive investigation team must include of the Chief of
>Security, the Chief Engineer, and the First Officer, and be lead by
>the Captain.
CROW: So basically, the entire senior staff of a starship goes on a
probably dangerous, possibly life-threatening missions BY RULE?
MIKE: Need a way to put all your command crew in jeopardy? Use
Regulations!
> So, I've got at least 3 more people to track down, since
>I doubt that Jack Crusher's wife would be anything other than Chief
>Medical Officer."
CROW: She might be the ship's dancing instructor, you know.
TOM: Aaah, women don't need multifaceted personalities anyway.
> "Jack died almost seventeen years ago," Beverly said.
>"Jean-Luc and I married last year."
MIKE: Yes, just rule out suspects so that the bad guy doesn't have to
look for them. Good job, Bev.
> "I'm sorry to hear about that," Harlan said.
CROW: [Beverly] Jack wasn't real thrilled about it, either.
> "Jack was a good
>officer. I remember him from the Fleet meetings during the Cardassian
>War. I assume that's over with?"
MIKE: [Picard] Yep. We lost. The name's "Gul Picard" now, by the way.
> "We had a cease fire about a year after the Odyssey
>disappeared," Jean-Luc said. "The formal treaty was signed five years
>ago."
TOM: And then broken again during that pesky war.
> "It sure took them a long time," Harlan said.
TOM: What is this? They go from a heated confrontation to small talk?
MIKE: Once again, Ratliff narrowly averts tension!
> "You know how long some diplomatic negotiations can take,"
>Picard said.
CROW: [muttering] Almost as long as this scene!
> "Ambassador Sarek's work with the Legerans took 93 years
>to complete. In the case of the Cardassians, I think we were quite
>lucky."
MIKE: Maybe you were unlucky both times. Couldn't that be the case?
> "You may say you're lucky with the Cardassians, but I don't
>think I am," Harlan said.
TOM: He's bitter because the Cardassians stood him up on a date.
> "After all, because of them we've spent 20
>years trying not to break the rules on this planet.
CROW: And doing a piss-poor job of it, too!
> I don't even know
>what happened to my little sister who was just joining Star Fleet."
TOM: She died a horrible, screaming death. What, you didn't get the
telegram we sent?
> "She's the new Captain of the Venture," Jean-Luc said.
TOM: [Picard] That's a Ferengi garbage scow, by the way. She got kicked
out of the fleet after the Jell-O incident.
>Do you have any family here in Ellosia?"
CROW: [Harlan, sniffling] This - *This* is my family now!
MIKE: [Bester] The Corps is mother. The Corps is father.
> "No," Harlan said. "My job as Chief of Intelligence doesn't
>let me have the time to have a family.
TOM: [Harlan] I tried having a second cousin once, but it just didn't
work out.
> Not that the Queen hasn't
>tried to match me up with a promising young girl."
>
>
CROW: Her Most Royal Yentaness!
CROW: And the scene ends here - why?
MIKE: Why not? As long as it ends.
> Marrissa put another crystal in the waters of the lamp
MIKE: Crystal Waters?
TOM: o/` She put it back in the middle and round again... o/`
>before replacing the stopper. The sewers seemed to go on forever.
CROW: [Marrissa] Just because I'm Marrissa doesn't mean I have to
smell poo-gas!
> She hoped
>she had enough crystals for the glowing water lamps.
MIKE: Fuel? Nah. Better put some kryptonite in instead.
> Up ahead, she
>thought she heard someone talking.
>
TOM: Sewer Urchin!
CROW: [Urchin] Uh-oh. Trouble. Definitely, definitely trouble.
> Captain Lord Trevor passed Castrome Point, his sails full, as
>he caught the coming tide on the mouth of the Castrome. Two ships
>were moored next to the point, with their guns run out.
TOM: They'll never get his cargo load of supporting characters!
> The town of
>Castromepor was now in view. The majestic spires of Saint Ignatius
>stood visible above the town's red walled battlements.
CROW: Right next to them stood the stately Golden Arches of Lord Ronald.
> Most of the
>fleet that regularly anchored at her docks were gone, but the jewel of
>Ellosia's ports still sported several merchants and ships under
>construction,
MIKE: Repealing the luxury tax sure boosted the economy.
> including the Victorious, a ship of the line in the
>final stage of construction.
> "Mister Bracegirdle,
[All snicker]
MIKE: Bracegirdle's out today, sir. I'm his sub, Ensign Jockbuckle!
TOM: *That's* a really unfortunate name!
CROW: It's not as bad as his uncle, Lord Trussscaffold.
> weigh anchor and ready the ship's boat,"
TOM: And get the car's auto warmed up, too.
>Captain Treavor ordered. "I intend to make this a quick stop, so no
>shore leaves."
CROW: [Trevor] And if there's time, maybe I'll get a tape from
Blockbuster. *But no promises*!
> "Aye sir," Bracegirdle said. "Furl the sails!
MIKE: Mop the poopdeck! Batten down the hatches!
CROW: They're battened, sir!
MIKE: Well, batten'm down again - we'll teach those hatches!
> Prepare to
>weigh anchor!"
>
TOM: [Bracegirdle] 55 pounds, sir!
CROW: Goodbye characters we know nothing about!
> Marrissa and Calgary pressed themselves up against the side of
>the sewer tunnel
MIKE: Now they're sorry they wore their Armani tunics.
> as the voices got closer, covering their lamps.
CROW: They were really dark, heavy voices.
> "This is really an undignified way to enter the city,
>Sargent," one voice said.
TOM: It's Sargent versus York, in the Ultimate Darren Battle!
> "It is the only real way that someone of your stature can
>enter the city without being spotted, your grace," the Sargent
>replied.
MIKE: Or you could pretend to be a wandering morris dancer!
CROW: That was an old Three's Company episode.
> "Let alone sneak in the large numbers of troops your
>require."
CROW: They're invading via the *sewer*!?
TOM: Their brilliant plan is foiled when Mrs. Willoughby calls in
Dave the Plumber.
> "Personal guards, Sargent," the first voice replied.
MIKE: [Sergeant] Yeah, call 'em whatever you want, they still smell like
an Exxon restroom at this point!
> "Yes my lord," the Sargent said as the light of their lamps
>began to show around the turn.
>
TOM: Well forget about that, let's go onto something else, shall we?
> Captain Lord Trevor paused at the entry to Castrome Villa to
>show his orders to the guard.
CROW: [Trevor] Remember, 3 of them have no onions, and supersize the
one for the king.
> Despite the fact that the Royal Family
>was rarely in residence there, a rather large compliment of guards
>were posted at the fortified compound.
TOM: The orders to never open the basement doors or to ignore the
screams confused a great number of them.
> The black and scarlet guards
>had probably never seen the King,
CROW: [Clark Gable] Frankly, scarlet guard, I don't give a damn!
> Prince Avery was a more frequent
>visitor.
MIKE: To the guard's delight, however, the doe-eyed nympho maids were
there daily.
BOTS: [Maids] OHAIYO!!!
> It took only a couple minutes for the guards to verify the
>Captain's orders
TOM: [gruff] Yeah, that's right - *three* with no onions!
> and escort him to the quarters of Lady Lea and Lady
>Whitney.
CROW: Lea Thompson and Whitney Houston star in "Bodyguard in the City".
> Trevor was surprised to find the young girls being visited
>by their father, Lord Elden, the Ducal Consort of Castrome.
TOM: Royalty? Being around their children? I'm surprised as well.
> "Lord Trevor, what brings you to Castromepor," Elden said.
CROW: [Trevor] A big honking boat, your Ducalshipness.
>"I thought the Godspeed was posted off the coast of Armedge."
MIKE: It was a longwinded era, but you were never short on exposition.
> "I have orders from the King to transport your daughters to
>Odyssey," Trevor said. "If you'd like to see them?"
MIKE: [Elden] I can see my daughters just fine, but thanks for asking.
> "No need," Elden said. "Desiree told me to expect them before
>she set off for Odyssey. I assume you wish to travel light?"
CROW: Who says he can't ride a rainbow?
> "I'd wish to, but I expect that young ladies of your
>daughters' eminence require a considerable accompaniment," Trevor
>replied.
CROW: Girls! Pack the piano! He expects it!
TOM: Hundreds of trunkloads of Lip Gloss, unicorn posters and N*Sync
CDs are already standing by.
> "I know the Godspeed, Captain," Elden said. "So I'll just
>send along Whitney's nanny.
CROW: [Fran Drescher] Oooh, Mistah Sheffield, hahahahahah!!!
> Lea can do without a tutor for a while.
TOM: [Elden] Yeah, it's not like she can get any stupider. Can she?
>And we'll keep the luggage down to a chest of clothes."
MIKE: [Whitney] I only need the one trunk of clothes - oh, and my
troop of male strippers. Say hello, boys.
BOTS: [Strippers] WAZAAAAAAAP!!!
> "Goodie!" Lea said.
> "Lea just started her schooling," Elden said. "We can't
>afford ignorance in the person second in line for Castrome.
MIKE: [Elden] Of course, I've done okay, and I'm dumber than a
box of wet gophers.
>I'm afraid she hasn't taken to her studies."
TOM: Well, she *is* still two.
> "There is still time," Trevor said. "I wasn't very taken with
>my studies at first."
CROW: [Trevor] I was voted "Most Likely to Eat Paint Chips for a Living".
> "I heard," Elden said. "Your father has been trading stories
>with me.
MIKE: [Elden] So you thought if you put mud in the oven it would turn
into food? Man, are you a doorknob!
CROW: [Trevor] C'mon, I was FOUR!
> Tell me, what ever possessed you to replace your tutor's
>water with yellowberry wine?
TOM: And just what kind of slack-jawed mouthbreather doesn't notice?
> "I heard he was more entertaining drunk," Trevor said. "How
>soon can your daughters be aboard the Godspeed?"
CROW: [Elden] I can have 'em loaded in the catapult in two minutes!
You, uh, you still got that net on board?
> "The chest is already packed,
TOM: [Trevor] Yes, yes, I've met the nanny already!
> so as soon as you're ready,
>we'll head down to the docks," Elden said.
MIKE: They're going up on deck to sing "Cosi, Cosa".
> "However, if you can spare
>a minute, I'd like to show off my latest design.
CROW: [Elden] Time is of the essence! But first, here's what I've
puttering around with in the old workshop.
> The Victorious is
>finally ready for launch.
TOM: [Elden] I mean lunch! The cafeteria's been built and stocked!
> As soon as the stores all arrive,
MIKE: [Elden] Macy's doesn't open until week after next.
> I'll be
>taking her out for her maiden voyage."
>
TOM: Y'know what? We just saw a 14th-century Invention Exchange!
MIKE: Hey, yeah! Think they'd be impressed if I built *them* a robot?
CROW: Mike, we discussed this - remember?
MIKE: But -
TOM: No more robot building! Get it, Nelson?!
MIKE: Okay, okay! [mumbling] Geez, blow up one lousy half of the ship,
and you're branded for life.
>--
>Stephen Ratliff
>
>
>"To hell with crack, heroin, whiskey, tobacco.
TOM: Caffeine, sugar, carbohydrates, making whoopee...
> Writing is far and away
>the single most addictive thing in the universe, IMHO."
CROW: "IMHO"?
MIKE: International Marrissa's House of Omelets.
> ~ Greywolf
>
>Path:
>sn-us!sn-xit-01!supernews.com!129.8.52.88.MISMATCH!nntp!tethys.csu.net!
>news-hog.berkeley.edu!ucberkeley!newshub.sdsu.edu!west.cox.net!cox.net!
CROW: Then on to Wally.Cox.Net
MIKE: Over to Nikki.Cox.Net
TOM: And finally Courtney.Cox.Net
CROW: Or would it be Courtney.Cox.Arquette.Net?
>newsfeed1.earthlink.net!newsfeed.earthlink.net!
>stamper.news.pas.earthlink.net!newstest450b.news.pas.earthlink.net.POSTED!
>not-for-mail
>From: Stephen Ratliff <stephenbratliff@earthlink.net>
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW TNG Royal and Prime Directives 8/16 [PG] (Marrissa Stories)
CROW: Hey, we're at the halfway point!
TOM: Which only means we have to do what we've already done all over again.
CROW: Wow, you're little Mr. Bot-of-Sunshine today.
>Message-ID: <laskhu40md7nbbksrqp8qsvm2d4b0bjsct@4ax.com>
>X-Newsreader: Forte Agent 1.8/32.548
>MIME-Version: 1.0
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MIKE: Story-Content: 2-bit.
>Lines: 381
>Date: Thu, 27 Jun 2002 02:02:38 GMT
>NNTP-Posting-Host: 63.191.160.172
>X-Complaints-To: abuse@earthlink.net
>X-Trace: newstest450b.news.pas.earthlink.net 1025143358 63.191.160.172
>(Wed, 26 Jun 2002 19:02:38 PDT)
>NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 26 Jun 2002 19:02:38 PDT
>Organization: EarthLink Inc. -- http://www.EarthLink.net
>Xref: sn-us alt.startrek.creative:159709
>
>Title: Royal and Prime Directives
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Contact: stephen at trekiverse dot org
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories
>Part: NEW 8/16 Serialized Biweekly
>Rating: [PG]
>Summary: The crew of Enterprise-E investigates a planet where a
>starship Captain crashed 20 years ago has been ruling a small nation
>
CROW: Well, he's only really been ruling in the very loosest sense
of the word.
>Chapter Seven: The First Fights.
>
MIKE: *Never* talk about First Fight Club!
> Lieutenant Calgary ran through the sewers,
CROW: o/` And he ran through the brambles and he ran through the
bushes where a rabbit couldn't go! o/`
> chased by what
>sounded like a hoard of swordsmen.
TOM: But was really just two Foley guys and some boards.
> Some where he'd been separated
>from Marrissa.
CROW: Oh, now see? There's an upside to every situation.
> The last he had seen of her, she'd taken a cut to her
>tunic along the left side and dodged past the swordsman, heading
>downstream.
MIKE: She was at the 40, the 30, the 20 - she *could* *go* *all* *the*
*way*!
> He hadn't been so lucky, going back up stream. If he
>didn't find a quick way up soon he was going to end up trapped when
>the tunnels got smaller. Already he could feel the walls closing in.
>
CROW: If there's a garbage compactor monster in there, I'm gonna scream.
> Captain Lord Trevor took his post beside the wheel of the HMS
>Godspeed.
TOM: Odd place for an Internet terminal.
> She was raising her sails and preparing to leave the mouth
>of the river Castrome. The great white sails dropped down as the
>anchor was reported to have been brought aboard.
CROW: Duke Stone of Phillips is piped onto the ship.
> She wasn't the only
>ship preparing to leave harbor. The ships moored near the point where
>also active.
MIKE: They're just looking busy until the boss stops checking on them.
> "Mr. Bracegirdle,
TOM: [Trevor] Cinch it up and get over here!
MIKE: [Trevor] And change your name - the cabin boys won't stop giggling!
> what do you make of the two ships at the
>point?" Lord Trevor asked of his able First Mate.
CROW: [Bracegirdle] Is this one of those "One hand clapping" questions, sir?
TOM: [Trevor] Shut up, Bracegirdle.
CROW: [Bracegirdle] Shutting up, sir!
> Mr. Bracegirdle pulled out his glass
TOM: Ah, the *real* first mate - sweet, sweet booze!
> and examined the ships.
>"They appear to be putting to sail, sir. They're also manning the
>guns."
MIKE: [Bracegirdle] Or they're gunning the men. I'm not sure.
> "And what do they fly?" Lord Trevor asked.
MIKE: [Bracegirdle] United, I think
TOM: [Trevor] HA! We got 'em now, boy!
> "The ensign of the Duke of Fasstime, sir," Bracegirdle said as
>he put his glass away.
TOM: It's Phoebe Cates' bikini top!
CROW: Now *there's* something to pledge allegiance to! *grrrrrrwl*
> "Order the Ladies bellow, Mr. Bracegirdle," Lord Trevor said.
MIKE: [Bracegirdle] Well, they don't really bellow, they just kind of
shriek a little bit.
>"Once we're under sail, man the guns. I have a feeling we're not
>getting out of this without a fight."
>
TOM: [Ali] I want Duke Frazier! I want Duke Frazier!
CROW: They will fight nobly to defend whatever the heck they're doing.
> A gust of wind filled the ensigns of the two ships off
>Castrome Point.
CROW: When Pavel Chekov has that bloated gassy feeling, he reaches
for Gaviscon.
> It was all the Ducal Consort needed. Lord Elden had
>feared this.
TOM: Stephen's passing off a low pressure system as an action sequence.
> The Castrome Fleet wasn't due in for another day,
MIKE: That's what he gets for not shipping UPS.
CROW: The Brown can save your kingdom, too.
>and his daughters were now in danger from two enemy ships in his own
>harbor. Fortunately, the HMS Victorious was ready ahead of schedule.
>It was Tuesday,
CROW: So this must be Belgium.
> and two Fasstime Frigates were about to feel the might
>of a ship of the line.
>
TOM: So what's Captain Morgan Bateson doing there?
> A plume of spray rose in front of the Godspeed. "They have
>our range, Captain!" Bracegirdle informed.
MIKE: [Bracegirdle] And they're coming back for our fridge and blender!
> "Prepare to return fire as we pass by," Lord Trevor ordered.
CROW: [Bracegirdle] Sorry, sir, we lost the receipt.
TOM: [Trevor] Blast it, man! Check your wallet again!
>"Helm 6 points to starboard.
TOM: They scored a touchdown!
> We're faster than them, if we can get
>past them, we'll be fine.
>
MIKE: Bravely, the veteran naval officer runs away like a woman.
CROW: Thirty seconds later...
TOM: [Trevor] OHMYGOD! WEREGONNADIE! WEREGONNADIE!! WEREGONNADIE!!!
> The Victorious left dock in record time.
TOM: They laid skid marks in the harbor.
> Her 52 guns were
>primed and ready for the engagement
MIKE: Twenty weeks on Broadway!
> against the ships that dared fire
>on her Captain's daughters' ship. Above her second mast flew the
>ensign of her Captain,
CROW: Harry Kim, you get right down from there!
> the Crimson Latin Cross of Castrome quartered
>with the Green Celtic Cross of Avtra.
TOM: It's a lot of marginally relevant detail, but it does pad the story.
> This day two ships had earned
>the ire of three dukedoms.
MIKE: And four dukedoms had scorned the ire of three ships!
TOM: And four ships from three dukes had ired two ships from two dukedoms'
three dukes!
CROW: And three ships, two dukes and a rabbi walk into a bar and, and -
oh, blast, I lost it.
> And the regent of Castrome was planning to
>do his own dirty work today.
>
CROW: He's remaking a Norm McDonald movie? He's mad, I tell you!
> A spar and some rigging fell at Lord Trevor's feet. The
>Godspeed had just lost her mizzen mast top gallant.
MIKE: Now Ratliff's just making words up!
TOM: [Trevor] You there! Steady the mildefot! You! Turn the
fazzostile 18 degrees to the left! And you! Keep an eye on
that twizzelwacker!
> "We've lost some
>speed, Captain," Mr. Bracegirdle said.
TOM: [Bracegirdle] We're just Cherubspeed now.
> "The wind is more favorable to them."
CROW: Stupid wind! Always taking sides and stuff!
> "Understood, hard to port," Lord Trevor ordered. "Take us in
>close. Ready starboard guns. Aim for the waterline.
MIKE: [Trevor] They're leaving a ring around the bathtub, gentlemen!
> Fire as we pass!"
TOM: [Trevor] Brace all girdles!
MIKE: [Bracegirdle] Very funny, sir.
> The first shot went high, taking out the top gallant of the
>first ship.
MIKE: The goofus, however, was completely unscathed.
> The second fell short, but the third hit hard, right into
>the middle of the at the base of it's main mast.
TOM: Gah! Stevie overloaded his word processor!
> The fourth hit just
>above the waterline.
MIKE: Suddenly a pirate ship appeared on the horizon.
> The Godspeed's fifth shot missed cleanly.
CROW: It's the world's first completely itemized naval battle!
>In the interim, the Godspeed's mizzen mast was shortened by a third.
MIKE: I'm guessing Steve got some CS Forrester books for a gift.
> "Mr. Bracegirdle, what do make our opponents?"
TOM: Probably some shipwrights and lumberjacks, sir.
> "The Abigail and the Lady Rose both out of Arlipor, sir,"
>Bracegirdle said. "28s."
CROW: They're being hit on by a couple of 28 year-old chicks?
TOM: Awwww yeeeeeah...
> "We're outgunned by a little more than 4 to 1, but they're
>aiming for capture, Mr. Bracegirdle," Lord Trevor said. "Fortunately,
>I'm not so constrained.
MIKE: He refuses to capture himself!
> Ready portside cannons! I want to hull those ships!"
>
TOM: I suppose he'll be opening hulling frequencies, huh?
> On the quarter deck of the Victorious, Lord Elden pushed
>against the finely polished wooden rail,
CROW: [Snickering] Shouldn't he do that in the privacy of his quarters?
> as if he could make the ship
>close the force of his will. The crew would not bet against it.
MIKE: Of course, the crew also bet on the Clippers to clinch the NBA
title, so that doesn't say much.
>"Captain, coming into range," his Lieutenant ordered.
> "Ready the bow chasers," Lord Elden said.
TOM: That's vermouth and beer, right?
> "Then prepare for a
>full engagement.
CROW: [Elden] Call my old girlfriends and tell them it's over!
> We're going to turn those two ships into driftwood."
>
TOM: Ahhhh! Witchcraft!
> "Captain! The Victorious is out of dock and coming into
>range," Bracegirdle announced, almost shouting into his ear.
MIKE: [Captain] You don't have to shout!
CROW: [Bracegirdle] SORRY SIR. IT'S MY VOICE MODULATION SYNDROME
KICKING IN AGAIN.
> The Lady Rose turned to meet the Victorious. As she did, she
>dipped enough to bring her hole to the water.
TOM: This scene is just packed with nasty bad imagery.
> She floundered, before
>righting herself and finishing the turn.
MIKE: That's the same way my great-uncle Bert drives.
> "Close on the Abigail," Lord Trevor ordered.
TOM: [Trevor] Hurt her feelings some, if necessary.
> "We've got a
>chance now."
> The roar of the Victorious's first broadside covered
>Bracegirdle's mumbled reply.
CROW: Geez, this guy needs diction lessons.
> The Lady Rose would never recover from
>the maiden battle.
TOM: It's Chyna versus Sable! On Pay-per-view!
> From the Godspeed's view, the main mast was simply
>blown right off the ship, along with a good portion of the mizzen mast
>and her foresail.
CROW: And if any of that sounds dirty it's because you have a filthy,
filthy mind.
> The Lady Rose leaned away from the Victorious at
>first,
MIKE: The perils of bad breath.
> but then tilted back, and went completely over, keel up with
>all hands aboard in less than a minute.
TOM: The HMS Foster Brooks, ladies and gentlemen. Thought you'd like
to know.
> Meanwhile, the Godspeed had closed on the Abigail.
MIKE: John Adams is furious!
> On the
>Abigail's decks, the materials for boarding where being prepared.
CROW: The captain was reminding them that "Oh yeah? Well you
fight like a cow!" won't work as a retort in sea combat.
>Closer the ships came.
TOM: Step by step ... inch by inch ...
> Then in unison, the Godspeed's port cannons
>fired.
MIKE: And the recoil knocks the ship on its side and it sinks.
TOM: D'oh!
> The Abigail suffered several holes in her hull, as the
>Godspeed picked up her sails, and put on speed out of the battle,
CROW: Fleet Admiral, His Grace, Lord Trevor the Big Giant Scaredycat!
>leaving the angry father on the Victorious to deal with the Abigail.
>
MIKE: Young lady, you are *grounded* for a *week*!
> Marrissa emerged from the sewer at it's end and quickly hid
>behind some bushes.
CROW: Too bad they couldn't mask the stench of the congealed human
waste that coated her from head to toe.
TOM: She's Marrissa LePew!
MIKE: And ironically, *now* she has to go!
> The last hundred meters of the sewer had a
>maintenance walkway along one side, which was a good thing, as before
>she'd gotten to it the sewage level had already topped her knees.
MIKE: And brown's not even in this year,
CROW: Good thing green is.
MIKE & TOM: Ewwwwwww!
> It was about three minutes before her pursuers left the sewer.
CROW: So how many pursuers per sewer?
>She watched as they scanned the lagoon and the lush tropical brush
>surrounding it. As they scanned, another swordsman came into veiw.
TOM: Another one of those Japanese soldiers who hadn't heard the war
ended. Sheeeesh.
> "Foster!
MIKE: [Aussie] Foster! Australian for Throwaway!
> Have you seen any one exit the sewer?" one of the
>two men who had been following her asked.
CROW: [Foster] Yes, sir! Four turtles, a rat, and a reporter in
a yellow jumpsuit.
> "No, sir," Foster said. "I've been standing guard all day,
>and everyone I've seen entered the sewer."
TOM: He's been guarding a sewer all day? Man, he must've punched out
a general or something to draw *that* fine duty posting!
> "He must have hidden in a side branch," the second said.
>"Foster, I need you to join the search.
CROW: [Guard] Log on to Google and check under "Starfleet", "Escape"
and "Poo Gas".
> Two men attacked Lord Henry
>in the sewer, and we've got to find the one who went down stream."
> Marrissa watched as the three re-entered the sewer.
MIKE: [Marrissa] Suckers!
> As soon
>as they disappeared, she carefully walked away through the bush making
>as little noise as possible.
TOM: Pretty soon, all she could hear were the voices in her head.
> Soon she came to a small cove. Looking
>at her sewage covered legs, she stopped there to clean herself off.
CROW: I think you need more than the little bottle of Purell here.
>She took her tunic off, which had somehow escaped stain, but did have
>a rather large cut in it, which got larger when Marrissa took it off.
TOM: Great. I was going to get through this whole story without
having to think about Marrissa naked and now this!
>She then took a dive into the salt water.
MIKE: : [Marrissa] Ooh! Ow! Ow! Stingy stingy hurty! Owowowow!
> The wash and swim was a pleasant one. The wash especially.
CROW: Thanks to new Tide with extra Raw Sewage-Removal action!
TOM: She's taking a bath while being pursued by hostile swordsmen?
MIKE: She's operating under slasher flick rules.
>Marrissa had missed baths since leaving the Enterprise for this
>mission.
MIKE: Yeah, at this point, even B.O. Plenty is covering his mouth
and gagging.
> The cleaning methods on board the Stargazer just didn't
>measure up with a bath in sun warmed tropical water.
CROW: The cleaning methods on Stargazer consist of throwing Picard overboard.
> And to have a
>pleasant swim afterwards ... well Marrissa would never admit it to her
>friends,
TOM: But she owed the Gambino family 300 grand.
> but she loved skinny dipping.
MIKE: Okay, Steve's just taunting us now.
> The flow of the water past her
>naked body as she swam felt much better than when she wore a swimming
>suit.
[Stunned silence]
MIKE: Well then - she's not just a power-hungry conqueror of worlds,
she's an *exhibitionist* power-hungry conqueror of worlds.
CROW: This *definitely* falls under the "Too much information" clause
of our contract!
TOM: Please, cut away to anything! Anything is better than this!
> It was too bad that she couldn't afford to stay at the cove
>all day, but as she swam to shore she heard the bells of Church of the
>Overflowing Cup toll the hour of four. Marrissa was expected back at
>the Inn at five.
CROW: [Marrissa] Just enough time for a quick streak through town.
> Once she was ashore,
MIKE: And she adjusted her main riggings...
> Marrissa pulled her tunic over her head,
>only to discover a cut creating a gapping hole just even with her
>belly button.
MIKE: Marrissa challenges Britney and Christina for the pop princess title!
TOM: Suckers! My money's on Jalea Bates!
> But she had little choice but to wear it, as it was the
>only piece of clothing she had.
CROW: Too bad there isn't a starship around that could beam down a fresh
set of clothes to her.
> It was better to have the hole on
>this side though. There at least she'd have some control over it
>ripping open further.
CROW: Now she can rip it off at her own leisure.
TOM: I get the feeling Ratliff's perused one too many copies of FHM
lately.
> Still, she didn't really want to enter town
>like this.
CROW: With no fanfare or advance PR. It was just embarrassing.
MIKE: She may be overthinking her minor fabric damage.
> Mulling this dilemma over she walked down the shore, towards
>town.
TOM: [Marrissa] I can't go into town like this! Let me think it over
while I go to town.
> Soon the Bluepor Road curved towards shore and she began to
>walk along the cobblestone road. So entranced,
ALL: [monotone] "Royal and Prime Directive" was much better than "Cats".
I will read it again and again.
> in her thoughts, she
>failed to notice the pair of rinnebeasts heading towards her.
>
MIKE: Oh no! It's a ride-by swording!
> Lieutenant Ken Calgary was strapped to the rack.
CROW: Thanks to his rigorous workout schedule, he'd soon be buffed up
and his abs ripped!
> His arms
>were attached to one rope which wound around a bar which could be
>turned to pull them further from his legs, which were embedded in a
>tight restraint on the rack's bottom.
TOM: That is to say, he was strapped to the rack.
MIKE: This is how I've always pictured a chiropractor's office.
> The room he was in was not the
>expected dungeon, but what appeared to be a rather opulent quarters.
TOM: Guests of "Royal & Prime Directive" are tortured at the luxurious
Adams Mark Hotel in scenic downtown Ellosia!
>Calgary was an Engineer.
CROW: And he couldna take mooch moora this!
> He wasn't trained to undergo torture.
>Actually, most Star Fleet Officer's weren't,
MIKE: Well, except for the Special Tactical S&M squad.
> especially mediaeval
>torture.
TOM: "Mediaeval" torture?
CROW: That's where they keep adding on vowel after vowel until you break.
> Still, the torturer has to be asking the right questions to
>get out the information.
MIKE: Just Calgary's luck, he got one interested in macrame.
> Otherwise, Calgary would have been telling
>how to build a starship.
MIKE: Unfortunately, that's exactly what Lord Henry wanted to know.
CROW: [Henry] Yes, yes! Death from the stars! The infidels shall feel
my holy wrath!
> "I ask you again, who sent you to intercept me?" Lord Henry
>asked,
TOM: [Calgary, hysterical] BUDDY RYAN! He called Cover 2-blitz!
I swear I didn't know you were throwing over the middle!
> his hand caressing the wheel that would pull Calgary further
>apart.
CROW: Ooooh, lovely lovely wheel! No on understands you like I do,
my dear sweet wheel!
TOM: Henry enjoys that wheel a little too much.
> "No one!" Calgary screeched, already in pain after a hour of
>this.
TOM: Now, is it safe?
> "Why were you in the sewers?" Lord Henry asked,
CROW: [Calgary] Pitching! Been - needing new - closer - all season!
> bringing the
>rack up a notch.
MIKE: To eleven.
> "Captain Picard sent me!" The pain increased.
> "Now we're getting somewhere," Henry said. "And who is this
>Captain Picard?"
CROW: Stewart, Patrick. Born 7/13/40, Midfield England. Joined Royal
Shakespeare Theatre 1966. Cast in 1987 as Jean-Luc Picard.
> "He commands the merchant ship Stargazer!" Calgary could feel
>his joints popping loose.
> "Oh but that's not all he does, is it?"
TOM: Well, there's his one-man show of "A Christmas Carol". Does
that help?
> "No..." Calgary moaned as the rack pulled him further appart.
TOM: He's leader of the X-Men!
CROW: He's mixed up in the battle for the Spice Trade!
MIKE: And he also seeks the great white whale!
> "Perhaps you'd care to tell me what you know about this
>Captain Picard."
MIKE: [Calgary] Bald! Prissy! French! Or English! Or something!
> "I'll tell you anything, just stop this pulling," Calgary
>sobbed.
TOM: Planck's constant! The stats for the 1954 Giants! The
secret formula for Kentucky Fried Chicken! Anything!!
> "We'll see," Henry said, reducing the pull by two notches.
>"Isn't that better. Now who is this Captain Picard."
CROW: Is he Batman? ANSWER ME!!!
> "He's the commanding officer on the flagship starship
>Enterprise."
> "Starship? I think you're lying to me."
MIKE: [Henry] Or you're high. In which case, share!
> "No, I swear I'm not. We come from the same organization as
>the King was from."
TOM: [Calgary] See? Here's my Amway sample case!
> "And I suppose you're here to bring the King back. Pardon me
>if I've heard that one before.
ALL: You're pardoned.
> In the last twenty years over a dozen
>'prophets' have claimed that.
TOM: Then that blasted emissary showed up...
> They're gone now, and the King is still
>here.
MIKE: That proves something, but I don't know what.
> Though, he won't be much longer.
CROW: He's gonna be shorter?
> You can do better than that.
MIKE: [Henry] Where's the brilliant young Calgary I hired?
>Who was that swordsman with you?"
MIKE: That was no swordsman, that was my knife!
TOM: *ba-dum-dum*
> "She was the Captain's daughter, Marrissa," Calgary said.
> "Still lying," Henry sighed. He turned the rack up a notch,
CROW: [British] Cardinal Fang, give the rack another turn!
>and Calgary screamed.
> "I'm telling the truth!
ALL: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
> She's the Chief of Security on the
>Enterprise! A member of the Royal Family of Essex! The youngest ever
>to serve in Starfleet!"
CROW: She's the captain of the Kids' Crew!
MIKE: She's the first Triple Crown winner in 350 years!
TOM: She has the best Kobayashi Maru time ever!
CROW: Oh, but don't mention any of it in front of her, cuz she hates
her titles.
ALL: Yeah, sure, that's right, absolutely, etc.
> "I think the pain has addled your brain," Lord Henry said.
TOM: Y'know, a semi-reasonable villain would give Calgary the benefit
of the doubt, but this Henry guy's a jackass.
CROW: Yeah. This is gonna sound weird, but I hope Marrissa kicks this
jerk's hinder.
MIKE: Me too - anybody with that big of a hole in his head deserves to
get his butt handed to him on a silver platter.
>"Too bad. I thought we were getting somewhere.
CROW: Hey, "No" means "No"!
> Perhaps you'll be
>able to talk coherently later.
TOM: So until then, let's mambo dogface through the banana patch.
> Unfortunately, I just don't have the
>time anymore. I've got a King to capture and kill,
CROW: [Henry] And I'm telling you this because I know it won't come
back to bite me.
> and I'm afraid
>that after I'm done, any information you have will be totally
>inadequate to your continued existence."
MIKE: [Henry] Lower him into the unnecessarily slow death machine
and leave him alone.
CROW: Tonight, the part of Lord Henry will be played by Prince
Humperdinck.
> With that, Lord Henry brought up the rack three more notches,
>popping Calgary's arms out of their sockets.
[Crow makes popping sounds]
> As he turned to leave,
>Calgary's screams were music to his ears.
>
TOM: Ah, the Toccata and Fugue in Pain Minor.
> Marrissa was hoping that she wouldn't run into anyone she knew
>before she got back to her room at the Golden Rinnebeast.
CROW: Just how likely *is* it? There are only about 5 people on the
entire frickin' planet who know her!
MIKE: Just watch. This is where fate and chance take a dive in the
fourth round.
> It was a
>hope that didn't even last halfway to the city gates. The coastal
>road she was walking on wasn't very well traveled, but there were some
>people riding the local replacement for horses.
CROW: He means rinnebeasts, right?
MIKE: Let's not jump to conclusions.
> "Stop for a moment, Avery," a girl said from her mount. "I
>think I recognize that girl."
CROW: She stole Mike's keyboard!
TOM: A little *too* obscure.
> "Okay, Hayley," Avery said.
>
CROW: Jeez, not even married yet and she's already got him whipped!
> The Godspeed rounded Castrome point and put on all sails.
TOM: Everything must go! Well over forty percent off!
>Captain Lord Treavor intended to make record time, even with a damaged
>mizzenmast.
MIKE: Oh, we can't have nice mizzenmasts.
> Repairs on the mizzenmast would only take a couple more
>hours, anyway.
>
TOM: Which calls into question the need for a mizzenmast to begin with.
CROW: The ship was designed by committee. Parts made all over to keep
Ye Olde Armed Forces Committee happy.
> Captain Jean-Luc Picard adjusted his tunic as he stood at the
>door to the throne room. His wife stood at his side, and two guards
>at his back.
MIKE: And they were all surrounded by a squad of boy scouts with
compasses and GPS units.
> The former security chief turned chief of intelligence
>had already entered the room and was talking to the King and his
>staff. Finally, the door split open, revealing Lord Harlan.
CROW: Oh, it's *you*. For a moment there, you gave me quite a start.
> "Come on in, Captain," Harlan said. "Roland, do not let
>anyone disturb us. This could take a while."
CROW: Eww! They're gonna share Beverly!
TOM: Hey, hey! You're jumping to conclusions! Ratliff would never do
that to us.
MIKE: Unless Marrissa was involved...
CROW: [Pause] ...You're paying for my therapy bill, Mike.
> "Are you sure you don't want someone to guard them inside?"
>Roland asked.
MIKE: [Harlan] Yes. Crawl into their spleens and stand ready.
> "The Captain and his wife are not a physical threat," Harlan
>said. "If his highness wishes to join us, he may. Tell him that our
>meeting is a matter of the Prime Directive, if he asks."
>
TOM: [Harlan] If he *doesn't* ask, tell him that it's about changing
the drapes in the dining room to a floral pattern.
> The guard on the main entrance to Odyssey was thin,
CROW: The city is guarded by Sir Kate Moss and Sir Iggy Pop!
> no one had
>tried to force their way in before, and over the years, it had been
>gradually reduced.
TOM: The guardpost was so small, even the mice were hunchbacked.
> So when Lord Henry's troops emerged from the
>nearby sewer junction
ALL: [Troops] COWABUNGA!!!
> and rushed the entrance, it was easily taken,
MIKE: Ugh! Mainly by force of odor alone!
TOM: Henry's troops better hope he stocked up on Lifeboy back home.
>with no losses on Henry's side.
>
CROW: Except for their dignity.
> As the Captain walked passed Lord Harlan into the throne room,
>he took stock of the room. It was a typical Star Fleet Gym.
CROW: *snicker* The throne room is the ship's *gym*?!
TOM: The bowling alley just wasn't formal enough.
MIKE: Not only is he the absolute monarch of all he surveys, but he
can bench-press 180.
>Two stories, running track around the second level.
MIKE: Somebody tell me why they filmed this at the Guilderland YMCA?
> A large tapestry
>covered the end of the room farthest from the door, and below it sat
>five thrones, arranged two on the highest dais, two still placed in
>front of them, and another on the left hand side.
TOM: Further feng shui bulletins as they become available.
> No one was seated
>in them. Instead everyone was seated in a loose grouping of chairs
>under the Castrome banner,
MIKE: Those banners are just for sale to the tourists.
> one of four ducal banners placed around the
>room.
TOM: Even in the future, you can't escape pop-up banners.
> The door slide shut behind him.
> "Welcome to Odyssey, Jean-Luc," the white bearded King said
>standing.
CROW: Hooray! We've finally reached plot!
> "I'm sorry that I didn't meet you sooner.
MIKE: [King] Too busy slaughtering everyone who opposes my absolute
rule. You guys wanna soda or something?
> Harlan didn't
>tell me you were here. Who's this beautiful young woman?"
CROW: [Deep voice] Captain Slam Hardrock.
> "This is Commander Beverly Picard, MD, my wife, mother of my
>daughter, and my Chief Medical Officer," Jean-Luc said, quite
>obviously proud of her.
TOM: And obviously remembering to praise at all opportunities or get
cut off again.
> "Beverly, this is Captain Richard York, of
>the Odyssey."
CROW: [Beverly] Darrin?
MIKE: [Picard] No, a different one, I'm afraid.
> "And lately King of Ellosia, though I wish it weren't so, most
>of the time," the King said.
MIKE: He keeps saying that, and we keep not believing it.
> "Perhaps later, you can exchange
>professional courtesies with my wife,
CROW: In those rare moments when she's not vomiting.
> she's missed having doctors she
>can talk to."
TOM: [King] I'd ask you to cure her horrible wasting disease, but that
would just cheapen all of us.
> "It should be interesting to hear what Doctor York has done
>here," Beverly said.
MIKE: [Beverly] What's her Blue Cross payout like, anyway?
> "Not much, I'm afraid," the King said, sitting back down.
>"We've avoided introducing any new concepts, instead relying on
>encouraging native innovation.
TOM: [King] Except for that little Viagra factory we have on the
outskirts of town.
CROW: Penicillin and MRI scans are out, boiled frogwort and leeches
are in.
> Claire has spent most of her time
>raising our two children and breeding rinnebeasts."
>
TOM: Well, if she did it the other way around, it'd just be silly.
> The path to the throne room was cleared rather easily as well,
MIKE: Sure, once you got all the Butterfinger wrappers and empty
Schlitz cans outta the way.
CROW: This Kingdom could be conquered by the Soggies.
>as other teams went after other key parts of Odyssey. They were after
>the King,
TOM: [Elvis] Thankyavurramuch!
> the Prince,
CROW: They just want his extra time. And his kiss.
> the Princess,
MIKE: As you wiiiiiiiiiiish...
> and any member of the King's
>council, as well as securing the palace.
>
CROW: These guards are operating at almost imperial stormtrooper
levels of efficiency.
> "You do realize that you're violating the Prime Directive by
>just being here," Picard said, taking a seat.
TOM: [King] But I'm *not* breaking it by *not* being here.
CROW: [Picard] Save your Zen trickery!
> "I had no choice but to break the Prime Directive once my ship
>landed on the last King and the Royal Family," the King said.
CROW: So they had to seize power in order to preserve the status quo?
MIKE: A fine, Pentagonian line of thinking of there ever was one.
> "Surely there were other claimants for the throne," Picard
>said.
CROW: They ran that ad in the Ellosia Times-Herald, but the only ones
who answered were the Safeway produce manager, the "Time to Make
the Doughnuts" guy and Ted McGinley.
> "A few, but they were so remote as to be unclear, and likely
>to throw the kingdom into civil war," the King said.
MIKE: I thought that just meant the Secretary of Agriculture took over?
> "Both the Duke
>of Fasstime and the Duke of Castrome had claims of equal degree, and
>Avtra and Armedge to a lesser degree.
TOM: [King] Yeah, had to kill 'em all, pretty much.
> The best claim was probably of
>the Lord of Music,
CROW: [King] Who's also the Duke of Ellington, Count of Basie and
Prince of TAFKA.
> the bastard son of a bastard son of a bastard son
MIKE: o/` Of a bastard son of a sailor... o/`
>whose great-grandfather was King Avery III."
CROW: King Avery *Schreiber* III.
TOM: Hakim! Hakim!
> "It sounds to me like the monarchal line was on a thin
>thread," Picard replied.
CROW: We're not talking the Hapsburgs, here.
> "It does, until you realize that our landing killed over 150
>members of the Ellosia Royal Family," the King said.
MIKE: [King] Our pilot really outdid herself, there!
> "Once I learned
>how much of the Ellosian government that my barely controlled landed
>had taken out, I felt that I had a moral obligation to take over."
TOM: [King] Because if I hadn't, the next king wouldn't have been me!
> The door to the throne room opened, and Lord Harlan turned see
>who it was,
TOM: It's the wacky next door neighbor, Lord Kramer.
CROW: [Kramer] Your majesty! My boys can swim!
> expecting that maybe Prince Avery had come to join,
>knowing that none of the guard would interrupt.
>
CROW: Just because you *can* compound a sentence doesn't mean you *should*.
> Prince Avery, Lady Hayley, and Marrissa rode into the royal
>stables. Marrissa shared Lady Hayley's mount,
MIKE: And that mount is Sinai.
CROW: [Heston] I bring you these commandments!
> and wore Avery's cloak,
>wrapped around her own tattered tunic.
TOM: These scenes were cut from "Shrek" for clarity.
> Avery dismounted first,
MIKE: But Keri Strug still won the gold.
>and then helped Hayley and then Marrissa down from the rinnebeast.
> "Welcome to Odyssey Palace, Marrissa," Avery said,
CROW: We hope you enjoy your stay. If you need anything, just dial
"6" for room service.
> turning to
>the stable hand. "You!
TOM: Lick me!
> go get my sister's extra outfit, for this
>sailor lady.
CROW: [Jerry Lewis] Oh, the sailor lady guy! And the clothes and
the lulla-baby-bye, Froin-LAIVEN!!!
> Brittany always keeps an extra outfit out here."
MIKE: So she just leaves her clothes lying around the house?
TOM: Sounds like a normal teenage girl to me.
> It took only a minute for the stableboy to return with the
>extra pants & tunic. Marrissa took the offered pants, but left the
>tunic. While the pants were of thick and sturdy cloth,
TOM: They haven't even got Dacron on this planet!
CROW: That's the daytime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy-
head, fever ... wait ...
> the tunic was
>of a thin and almost translucent pale blue cloth.
TOM: Yeah, it's Brittany, all right. Well, or Christina. Or Beyonce.
Or Shakira. Or...
> "Thanks," she
>replied. "I'll return the pants once I get back to the Golden
>Rinnebeast for mine."
MIKE: I hope we get to see all the people Marrissa meets on the way
to returning her pants.
> "Don't go so soon, Marrissa," Hayley said, as Marrissa turned
>as if to leave.
TOM: [Hayley] But when you do, leave more.
> "Yes, at least come in and get some refreshment," Avery said.
CROW: [Avery] We're having juice and cookies before nap-nap.
>As he did, the sound of clashing swords started to be heard.
MIKE: Somewhere, someone was filming a Gillette commercial.
>Suddenly, a solider burst from the Palace entrance.
CROW: Those playing along at home are encouraged to pick any line from
"Monty Python and the Holy Grail" here.
> "Your Highness!" the solider said. "Someone has taken the
>King hostage in the throne room. They're heading this way!"
MIKE: [Avery] So why are you heading towards US instead of THEM?
TOM: [Guard] Umm... To protect you, sire?
MIKE: [Avery] Remind me to have you executed later.
TOM: Yessir...
> "Can any of you handle a sword?" Avery asked the stable hands,
>drawing his own, and eyeing the rack of broad swords next to the
>stable door.
TOM: Then he turned to Hayley and Marrissa and examined the broads' racks.
> "I can," Marrissa said,
MIKE: [Dully] Gee. What a shock.
TOM: [Ditto] Yes. I never even saw. It coming.
> picking up one of the swords.
>"Hmmm... a little out of balance, but useable."
CROW: [Marrissa] Where's the phaser on it?
> "Okay, we'll head to the Avtra Ducal House," Avery said as a
>couple other stable hands also armed themselves.
MIKE: [Teen] Their folks are out of town, and we can have a bitchin'
party there, dudes!
> "Collect any other
>soldiers as we go."
TOM: Save them in polymer bags. They may be valuable someday.
> He spied a young stable boy, who often had helped
>him saddle his rinnebeast. "David, head to Castrome's Ducal House. I
>want the Duchess to meet me at Avtra."
CROW: [kid] Do it yourself, prince boy! I got horseflops to shovel!
> A trio of swordsmen burst from the palace door.
CROW: o/~ Helloooo! o/~
TOM: o/~ Helloooo! o/~
MIKE: o/~ Helloooo! o/~
ALL: HELLO!
> They were
>armed with short swords,
TOM: 34 petites.
> and looked to have been fighting for a while,
>judging from the torn and sweaty clothes.
MIKE: That or they've been listening to Alan Greenspan describe the Fed's
monetary policy for 10 minutes.
> Avery raised his sword.
CROW: Leaving his chest completely undefended, so one of the enemy
soldiers plunged his sword into it, killing Avery instantly.
>Marrissa and the soldier did likewise.
TOM: The Three Doofusteers!
> Together they leapt into
>battle.
MIKE: [Avery] YIPPIE!!
TOM: [Marrissa] YAPPIE!!
CROW: [Soldier] YAHOOEY!!
> The soldier was, perhaps a moderately skilled swordsman,
>certainly capable of holding his own in a battle.
CROW: Or, if necessary, holding someone else's.
> He took the left
>most opponent, a man more used to stabbing a short sword than welding
>a broadsword.
TOM: He accidentally fuses his broadsword onto the water pipe.
> Prince Avery had been training with various swords
>since he was little,
CROW: If you count the little "incident" with the cat.
MIKE: You mean good ol' Stumpy?
CROW: Yeah, poor kitty.
> and had, due to a breach in security, once
>assisted in driving off a Pirate landing party in Bluepor.
MIKE: [Avery] Daddy, I saved the kingdom!
TOM: [King] What?!? You march right up to your room, young man!
> The Prince
>took the man in the center, a fairly skilled swordsman in his own
>right. That left Marrissa to take the right most opponent.
CROW: Fortunately for her, that man was Eddie Deezen.
> Marrissa's skills were rather eclectic.
TOM: Galaxy conquering, refrigerator repair, scrimshaw and third base.
> That came with both
>being Chief of Security on the Enterprise, and being just thirteen.
MIKE: Thanks, Steve, for throwing in a jarring reminder of the utter
unreality of the situation.
TOM: The lesson here: youth equals swordsmanship!
>She was skilled with ba'leths and mek'leths, and other Klingon blades,
>but her real talents came with the saber. She'd been training with
>the saber since she was seven,
TOM: Is this what all kids do in the Star Trek universe - just play
with sharp things all day?
CROW: Of course not - there's also horseback riding.
> but that training was the formal
>dueling training. While it was good for the defense, offensively, her
>bladed weapon technic stank with the broadsword.
CROW: *sniff* *sniff* Naw, that's just Mike.
MIKE: Hey!
> Still she held her
>own, and given that her opponent wasn't expecting to go up against a
>young girl, she had some advantages.
TOM: Mainly, he was laughing so hard he couldn't stand up straight.
> Prince Avery was the first to finish with his adversary.
CROW: And he was delicious!
> His
>opponent had over extended just a little bit, and Avery had gotten in
>his guard, and cut open his opponent's neck.
TOM: Luckily, he needed the tracheotomy right then.
> Seeing Marrissa's
>skillful parrying, Avery turned to help the soldier,
MIKE: [Avery] Let's see, should I help the trained fighter, or the
little girl? Hmmm...
> who was dodging
>due to the fact that the left most man was using his sword like a
>spear.
CROW: He'd throw it, then they'd have to wait while he went and picked
it up, and the whole thing'd just start all over.
> It may not have been honorable to take a man down from behind,
>but Avery wasn't following the dueling code for this.
TOM: Suddenly, 5 billion Klingons showed up to berate him.
> It was about then that Marrissa decided to try a technique
>from her mek'leth training.
CROW: It was called "running away in terror".
MIKE: It sounds crazy, but it just might work!
> Her sword clashed once more, it's tip
>piercing her opponent's wrist, before she stepped in close, passed her
>opponent, trailing her sword behind her.
TOM: Ummmmm...
CROW: So she just did - what exactly? Whacked him in the kneecap?
MIKE: It's called the "Tonya Harding Special".
> A wound in the belly is not always fatal, and if it is, the
>death is usually slow.
TOM: On the upside, it's an excellent way to get rid of those unwanted
extra pounds.
> With proper medical attention, this one
>wouldn't be. It was, however, coupled with the scratch on his wrist,
>enough to cause the man to drop his sword.
MIKE: They're vicious rebels, but quite vulnerable to paper cuts.
> The next wound would be
>fatal. Marrissa's height made cuts to the neck and head on the
>six-foot tall man hard.
CROW: Too bad a man who's just been gut-stabbed doesn't, y'know,
bend over in agony or something!
TOM: Yeah, if only.
> A slice an inch deep into the man's belly,
>that was what made his funeral bell ring,
TOM: And a slice of sausage pizza was what made his dinner bell ring!
> even though it would take
>the better part of an hour for him to die.
CROW: She forgot to use that cursed henbane on it, so he'd die before
the end of the act.
> His hands tried to keep
>his intestines inside him, as Marrissa lost her breakfast to the sight
>of her first real hot-blooded kill.
>
TOM: This must be Marrissa's stunt double.
> Into the throne room marched several swordsmen, and entering
>from one of the doors onto the running track were more swordsmen and
>several archers.
MIKE: It's the Scott Bakula Brigade!
TOM: Blasted Temporal Cold War!
> Striding in behind them, as if he owned the place
CROW: Which, at the moment, he kinda does...
>was Lord Henry of Fasstime.
MIKE: And he was immediately all up in the King's business.
> "Good Afternoon Richard," he said. "You
>don't mind if my men relieve you of your weapons."
>
TOM: [King] Oh, thank you. They were getting a bit heavy.
>--
>Stephen Ratliff
>
MIKE: Geez, no plot for seven chapters, then all heck breaks loose at once!
>
>"To hell with crack, heroin, whiskey, tobacco. Writing is far and away
>the single most addictive thing in the universe, IMHO." ~ Greywolf
>
CROW: Kids, just say "No" to Word Processors!
MIKE: Stop the madness!
TOM: We gotta go.
[All leave]
COMMERCIALS
1) Did we mention that we have Spielberg's "Taken"? Cuz we do.
2) The future of on-line services is - a guy in a weird butterfly costume?
3) Catherine Zeta-Jones for - ah, who cares? It's Catherine Zeta-Jones!
[SOL - Mike and the Bots are at the console]
MIKE: You know guys, I've been thinking. What with all those Guerin
things and Doc Thinker Scooby-Doo/Superman stories, I've really
come to appreciate these good old-fashioned Ratliff fics.
TOM: I know what you mean! This story is a real breath of fresh air
after the Digi-Defenders series!
CROW: Yeah! After all those, Reuben and Prime Ribs is a real breeze!
And at least Ratliff's stories, flawed as they are, have some
semblance of logic and coherence to them - well, in their own
charming yet unintelligible way!
MIKE: Hey, you know what we should do? Call Stephen and thank him!
TOM: Yeah! It's the least we can do.
CROW: Yeah, let's do it!
MIKE: Okay, here goes... Hello, Stephen?
[The Ratliff Residence - seated at a computer is a young man who looks
suspiciously like Edward Norton (I know he usually looks suspiciously like
Brad Pitt, but Brad declined to appear in this fanfic due to his unexpected
yet fortuitous discovery that he's now married to Jennifer Anniston).]
STEPHEN: Yes? Oh - it's you guys. What's up?
[SOL]
MIKE: We just wanted to call you and let you know how much we
appreciate you and all you've done to brighten up our lives. So...
thank you... just... for being you!
[La Casa de Maison Ratliff]
STEPHEN: Oh. Well, gosh, I, I don't know what to say. You're welcome...
I guess. It's nice to know my fanfics have made a difference.
[SOL]
TOM: Oh and they have! And you know, things can get pretty tense in that
theater, and I'll be first to admit, some of our riffs go WAY over
the line. But you realize that it's all in good fun and you keep
sending us fanfic after fanfic, never once complaining that we're not
being fair, or in any way attempting to get revenge on us.
[Ratliff Estates]
STEPHEN: Really guys, it's nothing.
[SOL]
CROW: Oh, but it *is* something! It shows strength of character to just
turn the other cheek when we question Marrissa's sanity. Or *yours*.
MIKE: Uh, Crow...
TOM: And that time when we got subscriptions to Playboy, Penthouse, and
Hustler in your name and had them sent to your mother's house, well,
anyone else would have tried to get us back. But you simply took it
in stride!
MIKE: Tom, I think...
[Stately Ratliff Manor]
STEPHEN: [A bit suspiciously, yet calmly] I always *wondered* how that
happened. And Mom never looked at me the same way after that.
[SOL]
CROW: Or that time we got access to your credit card number...
MIKE: Crow, perhaps we shouldn't-
CROW: ...and ordered 12 million copies of the DVD of "The Lost World:
Jurassic Park II" off Amazon.com delivered to your house. Did you
swear you would not rest until you got revenge? No, you simply
smiled and took it with dignity.
[Ratliffwalker Ranch]
STEPHEN: [Fuming, but controlling himself] Oh, that was *you* guys, huh?
[SOL]
TOM: Or when we ordered that Singing Strip-O-Gram and-
MIKE: Okay! I think we've thanked him enough!
[Ratlifficello]
STEPHEN: Okay, that's IT!!! I *was* going to refuse to give Pearl the
rest of "Royal and Prime Directives" so you guys could relax - but
FORGET IT!!! All bets are off! It's you or my story. Now back into
the theater, worms!
[SOL]
TOM: But...
CROW: But we...
[Lights flash, usual craziness]
MIKE: Save it. WE'VE GOT RATLIFF SIGN!!!
[Chaos, doors, etc.]
[6] {5} (4) <3> |2| O
[All enter]
TOM: Man, I didn't think he'd be *that* mad.
MIKE: Yeah, well I'm just glad you guys didn't get to the one where you
reported him to the FBI for drug trafficking.
>Path: sn-us!sn-xit-06!supernews.com!nntp.cs.ubc.ca!nntp-relay.ihug.net!
>ihug.co.nz!cox.net!newsfeed1.earthlink.net!newsfeed.earthlink.net!
>stamper.news.pas.earthlink.net!newsread2.prod.itd.earthlink.net.POSTED!
>not-for-mail
>From: Stephen Ratliff <stephenbratliff@earthlink.net>
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW TNG Royal and Prime Directives 9/16 (Marrissa Stories)
CROW: The next chapter in the saga of the Great Marrissa and her voyage
to the sea to the great and boring Prince Avery!
>Message-ID: <6fmkiu0q8van51bbpev48m636l15i9dn3b@4ax.com>
>X-Newsreader: Forte Agent 1.8/32.548
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>Date: Tue, 09 Jul 2002 03:39:14 GMT
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>(Mon, 08 Jul 2002 20:39:14 PDT)
>NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 08 Jul 2002 20:39:14 PDT
>Organization: EarthLink Inc. -- http://www.EarthLink.net
>Xref: sn-us alt.startrek.creative:159836
>
CROW: So, if I'm reading this right, there've been almost 160,000
posts to ASC?
TOM: Yep, pretty much.
CROW: Wow. That's an awful lot of bandwidth dedicated to getting
Janeway and Chakotay to play snugglebunnies.
MIKE: Well, now, be fair - some of it is devoted to other pursuits.
CROW: Such as?
TOM: Getting Harry Kim and Seven to play snugglebunnies.
>Title: Royal and Prime Directives
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Contact: stephen at trekiverse dot org
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories
>Part: NEW 9/16 Serialized Biweekly
>Rating: [PG]
>Summary: The crew of Enterprise-E investigates a planet where a
>starship Captain crashed 20 years ago has been ruling a small nation
>
TOM: Captain Khadaffy was unavailable for comment.
>Chapter Eight: Uncertainty and Hope
>
CROW: Two words that have nothing to do with each other.
> By the time Marrissa had seen Prince Avery to safety, the
>midday sun had been replaced by the rolling clouds of the coming
>afternoon and evening thunderstorm.
CROW: I see a bunny.
MIKE: I see a ducky.
TOM: I see a painting by Thomas Eakins.
> She had promised to do a little
>delivery for Earl Cedric,
MIKE: See, people say that Marrissa is horrible as a comedian because
she has no sense of comedic timing, but no one can beat her delivery.
TOM: Yeah, she's one of those where it's not necessarily that what she
says is funny. It's more how she says it.
> who Avery had appointed acting guard
>commander. It was fortunate that two thirds of the guard were off
>duty and in town when the attack had come.
MIKE: Because they might have actually stopped the attack or something!
> They wouldn't be enough to
>take back Odyssey, but they would be enough to contain the invaders.
TOM: And just barely enough to get up a game of Squamish.
>As a light rain began, the remaining guard were beginning to converge
>on Avtra's Ducal Residence in town, where Avery was.
MIKE: [Avery] My leadership skills are best used when I'm soaking
in the Duke's tub!
> Marrissa had stopped in many of the Inns in town,
CROW: But there was no room at them for the baby Marrissa.
> the Red
>Lion, the Blue Wyvern, the Silver Eagle, and now was on her way to the
>White Dove.
TOM: Next to the Maroon Moose...
MIKE: The Teal Weasel...
CROW: The Puce Elephant...
MIKE: The Hot Pink Orca Whale...
TOM: The Orange Basselope...
CROW: The Daniel Striped Tiger.
MIKE & TOM: Huh?
> This wasn't one of her stops for Earl Cedric.
MIKE: She was just in the mood for booze.
> At her
>last stop, she'd sent word to Commander Riker about the attack, via
>Ensign Ikari, one of her security officers.
TOM: And his shipmates, Ensign Dikari and Ensign Doc.
> Here, her objective was
>to stack her deck.
CROW: And this is why Marrissa isn't allowed back in Atlantic City.
> Sitting in the corner of the main room of the Inn, next to one
>of the corner fireplaces, was another young girl,
CROW: [mouse voice] Cinder-Elly!
> dressed in a simple
>tan tunic.
MIKE: It's Alicia Keys, here to sing her hit single, "Fallin'".
> Her bare feet were tucked under her body, as she sat on
>her knees, drying herself.
TOM: I don't care how limber she is, that's *gotta* hurt!
> The girl's long black hair was strung
>together in black pleats, dripping water. Apparently she'd gotten
>caught in a downpour, which Marrissa had thus far avoided.
TOM: Thank goodness she didn't risk getting wet after skinny-dipping.
MIKE: She probably used a gutter bumber shoot.
CROW: A what?
MIKE: My first invention?
CROW: Not ringing any bells, Mark.
MIKE: It's Mike!
CROW: Whatever.
> "Clara!" Marrissa called out, heading towards her friend.
>Clara looked up, and seeing Marrissa, clambered to her feet.
CROW: [Clara] I wasn't plotting against you! I mean, Hi!
> "Marrissa, boy am I glad to see you," Clara replied, as
>Marrissa lead her over to a nearby table.
MIKE: [Clara] I've been looking for a table for *hours*!
> "Sister Beverly is missing
TOM: [Marrissa] Huh?
MIKE: [Clara] Sorry, I mean Doctor Picard... er... Doctor Crusher...
ah, the CMO of the Enterprise.
TOM: [Marrissa] McCoy's still alive?
MIKE: [Clara] Wrong Enterprise.
TOM: [Marrissa] Phlox?
MIKE: [Clara] No!
>and I didn't know wear to find anyone."
CROW: Oh wear anything but what you have on, girlfriend! Something
with a little kick, some Dior or something.
> "I guess I should have told you where the rest of us were
>getting lodging," Marrissa replied,
TOM: [Marrissa] We like to try the *in*doors.
> sitting down behind the table,
>facing the door. "But now we've got more problems.
MIKE: [Marrissa] It's time for the lunch buffet and we're all out of
crab dip!
> The King and the
>Captain are being held hostage in the Odyssey."
TOM: [Marrissa] Doctor Crusher's stuck in The House of Seven Gables,
Commander Riker's in the Three Musketeers, and the whole engineering
crew is trapped in the Greater Mineral County Area Yellow Pages!
> Clara took a seat to the right of her, and signaled for the
>waitress. "What does this do to our investigation?"
CROW: Screws it up big time, it does.
> "It's now storm-tossed,
TOM: Soggy and disheveled.
> and I'm not sure any of us will be
>able to make heads or tails of it
CROW: Except Commander Harvey Dent.
> unless the King comes through okay,"
>Marrissa said as the waitress arrived at their table.
> "What will you girls have?" the plump waitress asked.
TOM: Thrill as Ratliff describes the weight of minor characters!
MIKE: [Ratliff] And then a portly gyro vendor walked by the trim
insurance salesman.
> "How are the meat pies?" Marrissa asked.
CROW: [Waitress, nervously] Not made out of people, if that's what
you've heard. Ha-ha. [Clears throat nervously]
> "Fresh out of the oven, and the meat was just killed
>yesterday," the waitress said.
MIKE: [waitress] You want it with or without the bloody gristle?
> "Helped cook them, myself.
TOM: It's Shake 'N Bake! And Ah hayulped!
> "Then I'd like a plate of it, and a cup of milk, if that's
>possible," Marrissa said. "I missed lunch."
MIKE: Lunch was a great meal. I wish it was still here.
TOM: [Sobbing] Goodbye, Lunch! And Godspeed to you!
> "That will be two pence," the waitress said.
CROW: It's nice to know that no matter where you go in the universe,
you can always count on finding Medieval England somewhere.
> "Can you make change?" Marrissa asked, pulling a gold coin out
>of her pouch.
TOM: [Marrissa] Oh wait, this is just a chocolate coin I picked up
at Mr. Bulky's.