💾 Archived View for park-city.club › ~invis › phlog › 019-apocalypse.txt captured on 2022-07-16 at 14:49:50.
⬅️ Previous capture (2021-12-03)
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# Apocaylpse So, putting things very bluntly, I haven't been taking this Coronavirus thing very well *at all*. I'm not scared of the virus itself; I'm sure I'm not going to die or anything. I'm safe and isolated and doing my best to flatten the curve and socially distance myself (ahem, sorry, I've been told it's "physically distance" now. Thanks WHO...) and all that jazz. What I'm concerned about is the sudden economic collapse, the lock-downs and quarantines, and just the fact that this really is a pivotal world event I'm sitting through right now and the best thing I can do is sit on the sidelines and watch. I briefly considered starting a mutual aid group, but I'm really not sure if that's the best thing I can do. Which leads into some awful bystander effect stuff for sure, but I also don't want to inadventendly kill the people I'm trying to deliver groceries and clean laundry to. Also, ugh, effort. I've... yeah my mental health is craaaaaaaap right now. so crap. so, so crap. I'll just let me from Monday fill in the details: The sad thing about social distancing is that it felt like what I always do. I never went out much. And now I can't. Fundamentally nothing changes for me. Which is terrifying. If this next month is anything like the last 4 or 5, I'm not going to enjoy this. More specifically I've been dealing with probably depression? Burnout? I don't know. I can't afford my therapist until my deductible is paid off. (It's like $150/wk. Gotta flatten the curve, pay that off with smaller payments of medication so I can still like afford rent.) I have spent a lot of the time I would have in the past spent writing articles/working on projects instead napping or scrolling. I was hoping that by reducing my workload this year (it was insane last year) I could try and get to a point where I'm consistently... watching movies and making art. That's my end goal here and I can't even do that. I'm terrified about the future, both globally and personally. I just... if everything is going to be shut down for months, I can't help but feel like I squandered my opportunites to see and do things because of my own mental health. And that bites. I feel trapped. I only got myself burnt out because I was constantly chasing after rent and tuition. I needed to work so many hours just to cover the essentials. And I suffered as a result. And now it turns out the whole system I was being forced through is crumbling. What was the point, then? I just feel more numb than anything right now. It's the end of the world and I can't even properly get worked up about it because I'm just that spent. As a brief recap of my week, Tuesday I got laid off from one of my two remote jobs, Wednesday was fine, Thursday I received news that I *could* be laid off because my university was shutting down non-essential research, so I took work off very early to try and stave off a panic attack, couldn't really sleep (I was stuck up all night just worrying, and I do literally mean all night. I got a 3 hour nap in right after work and then like 1 hour of sleep at 6 AM) and then Friday I tried really hard but I just sorta collapsed and ended up dozing off to sleep at around 3:30 PM after a day of being completely unable to focus because I've been out of ADHD meds for what, 2 weeks now? Too much information? Maybe. I really don't give a shit. I'm drowning. I really, really do just need some hope right now, some reassurance that things are going to go rightin a month or two. I keep obsessively scouring the news for that (yeah, i know it's a dumb idea) and sometimes i get stuff like "yeah, everyone's going to see that capitalism is utterly worthless and that we need labor reform and we can use this to rebuild society with local supply chains that are ecologicaly sustainable and we can tell the stock marketeers to suck it" and such, but ALSO things like "oh yeah this is gonna last 18 months and we'll need to be in quarantine for most of that and also Trump's using this to blame China so maybe we just end up being fucking Nazi Germany again who knows anything's possible" and THAT'S kinda terrifying. I don't even fucking know what to do here. Just distract myself with Animal Crossing until this all blows over and resume completely burning myself out again? This just kinda fucks over with my plans for literally everything. Not that I had a lot of plans to begin with, but still. It's the end of the world. And maybe things will turn out for the better. Maybe. I still feel some obligation to *help* in making things better, but that's very difficult when I can't even fucking sleep properly. In ...unrelated news? I started playing Secret Little Haven. It's good. Even as depressing as that could be, it really really did help distract me. It was a..