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The Chat Witch


by FinalPhoenix

<SamusZero> And so I asked the chat witch, and then suddenly the problem
resolved itself <KoraNectar> You can't honestly believe that. Cyber
black magic? It's a joke, I hope you didn't pay anything for it
<SamusZero> I gave her a graphics card, she said she used it in
sacrifice. I don't believe it, but it worked, didn't it?  <KoraNectar>
Sacrifice? What did she do? Cut it's resistors off?  <SamusZero> Who
knows, all I know is my boss is off my back and all those problems I was
having at work seemed to...disappear

I couldn't respond, my fingers hovering over the keyboard. This wasn't
the first time I heard about the chat witch, a chick somewhere on the
IRC server that you sent computer parts to who would resolve any
conflicts you were having with technology. This was the first time
someone I trusted had contacted her. She was an urban legend on the
server, had ops in every channel, and some say she possessed the server
but no one knew quite who she was truly. Her name was spoken with
reverence whenever she was brought up and any conversation regarding her
quickly was passed in direct messages but never in public channels.

The chat witch had worshippers, and they were always listening. However,
every religion had it's nonbelievers.

<SamusZero> You should try it, you know, resolve the problems you're
having with that startup you decided to join <KoraNectar> What a load of
crap. What do I send her to make a company successful? A Compaq?
<SamusZero> rofl maybe

~*~*~*~


Mortal Kombat was never my strong suit, and neither, it seemed, was
programming, but my performance review at this tiny startup was tied to
doing both. I sat in the overstuffed beanbag chair in my boss' office,
pressing the buttons on the controller for the brand new SNES hopelessly
while my boss destroyed my character.

"Cora, I'm starting to think you don't take this seriously." My boss
said as Sonia fell to the ground, dead. "You know, this is your time to
show me how much you care about this company."

"I care," I ground out. "I just don't know what programming a search
engine has to do with playing this game."

"It's to relax you." He replied. "Isn't this relaxing? You know, I read
that this is how things happened in the 70s right here in Palo Alto." He
thumped on the bean bag "This is to help you grow, and you need to start
taking your position here seriously, you're falling behind your
teammates and I know you're a woman bu-"

"This really...really doesn't have anything to do with my gender, if I
can be frank."

"You can, I'm here for you, but I'm also trying to do what's best for
the company, and some of your coworkers have noticed that you're not
contributing as much as you should. What can I do to help you reach your
potential? More drinks at the office?"

Most of my potential at the office was wasted in being paraded around in
front of investors as a token girl working on our small search engine.
What diversity! I ran my fingers through my hair nervously, it was
greasy and slicked back into a pony tail, I hadn't had time to shower
this week because we were getting ready to demo for investors on
Thursday.

"Nothing, I'll work harder," I promised, hoping that he wouldn't hit the
A button and start another fight.

"Good, good, I know that being a female might be hard sometimes, you
know with all the hormones but we really appreciate having our little
cheerleader on the team." My boss suddenly pressed the A button and we
were back on the character selection screen. "Another round? I love this
thing, don't you?"

I hated this thing. I pressed A. Another round.

~*~*~*~

Later that night after a few glasses of wine and a lot of self-pitying,
I decided there was nothing to lose. Some people found Jesus at the
bottom of the bottle, but I was about to find the chat witch.

<KoraNectar> SamusZero? yt?


If the chat witch could bewitch my boss into simply not noticing I was
there, my life would be so much easier, but it was eight o'clock at
night and I had not left the office yet, the glow of my CRT and the high
pitched hum of fans my only companions. Everyone else had left hours
ago.

<SamusZero> What's up?  <KoraNectar> Can you get me in contact with the
chat witch?  <SamusZero> lol ofc, but you can't contact her
directly...not at first <KoraNectar> Then who?  <SamusZero> Someone else
will contact you tomorrow <KoraNectar> kk


Typing the letters, my fingers felt heavy. My head throbbed with a wine
headache and I dimmed the brightness of the screen to avoid it from
getting worse. Desperate times, Cora, desperate times.

I opened up the HTML for the search engine and began to redo the design
again, a complete overhaul two days before the demo. What were they
thinking? What was I thinking to agree? I felt like I was beginning to
lose my sanity at this startup.

I poured another glass of wine to combat the headache and looked up from
my cube into the darkness. I was alone with my thoughts. Each time I
saved a file I thought of the chat witch and eventually fell into dreams
where she saved me from this dead-end startup and told my boss to shove
it.

~*~*~*~

In the company photos for the newspaper I was diminutive compared to all
my other coworkers, they put me on a chair next to my boss. "Look, a
woman." The reporter had said.

I smiled. The demo was successful and the boys had left to celebrate.
Tom had taken credit for the last minute changes to the "look and feel"
despite having nothing to do with that part of the project. I tried to
say something but by the time I had summed up any courage I was alone in
the office. I sat at my desk and shoved the bottles of wine away from my
keyboard, my IRC client was blinking. There was message was from someone
I had never seen lurking in my usual channels, Athanasia82.

<Athanasia82> You have requested an audience.  <KoraNectar> An audience?
<Athanasia82> We know what you seek.

I rolled my eyes. RPers weren't welcome on this server so what were they
doing in my private messages? This wasn't their Dungeons and Dragons
group. I began to type an angry message, tired from a long day, my
nerves at their ends.

<Athanasia82> The chat witch requires payment.

Ah, so this is the person SamusZero was talking about, one of the chat
witch's loyal followers.

<KoraNectar> What does she want? A compaq?  <Athanasia82> She knows what
you seek and she requires a motherboard in payment.  <KoraNectar> Any
model?  <Athanasia82> Any model.


I looked at my coworker's computer wondering if the chat witch would
know I took it out of spite. Tom always made my life a living hell, I
was sure he'd change his tune once he realized his computer was busted.

The sun was setting over the cube farm, I could see the five o'clock
traffic from my high rise backing up on the freeway exit. I pulled my
blonde hair back into a messy ponytail and grabbed the screwdriver from
my cup of pens.

Tom was our database engineer. Tom was about to have a very bad Friday.
I began to unscrew the case. The lid fell on the floor with a clatter.

It didn't matter whether the chat witch was real or not, I hated Tom.

Screw him.

~*~*~*~


The chat witch took her payments only in person, so I made a trip that
evening at around nine to meet her with Tom's motherboard stuffed into
my backpack. The chat witch lived up in San Francisco, in the Outer
Richmond near the sea, her house was close enough to the park that I
could see the windmills looming in the moonlight. I had scrawled her
address down on a post it note that said Oracle at the top.

A girl of about sixteen was sitting on the steps of the porch, dressed
in jeans and a t-shirt, her long hair braided tightly into two pigtails.
She was hunched over a book, squinting to read even though the porch
light was on.

"KoraNectar?" She asked me, looking up from the romance book she had
been reading. A man looked back at me from the cover, she closed the
book and set it on the step.

"Are you the chat witch?" I asked from the sidewalk, somewhat afraid to
step closer.

The girl shook her head "No, I'm just a devotee." She held her hand out.
"Your payment?"

I handed over the motherboard, a fleeting sense of dread passed through
me as I wondered if everyone in the office already knew I had stolen the
motherboard, or if Tom would blame me in the morning. I had been careful
not to leave any evidence behind. No one would suspect me, but they
might.

She was inspecting the motherboard for something and seemed to have
found it, setting it down with a clatter. "Payment accepted, we will
start the ritual tonight."

"Wait, this is not some cheap motherboard, I want to at least meet her."
I protested, crossing my arms and trying to look bigger than my five two
frame.

"The chat witch isn't taking visitors. You understand, don't you?" The
girl said, standing up on the step, her romance novel falling to the
sidewalk at my feet.

"No, I am afraid I do not."

"Are you interested in becoming a devotee?"

"I don't want to be in your little cult." I snapped, suddenly wondering
what I was doing here in the first place. It was a long drive home and I
didn't even believe any of this voodoo magic, I just was curious as to
what a chat witch looked like, or what she would do to this motherboard.
"I just wanted to meet her."

The girl on the porch narrowed her eyes and then suddenly the screen
door creaked open and another woman about the same age as me stepped
out, she had a black bob and wore an oversized white t-shirt and jeans.

"What is it?" She asked, regarding the other girl and me.

"This is KoraNectar, she's come to deliver her payment." The girl said.
"She called us a cult. I don't thi-"

"It is not up to us to pass judgement Persy, the chat witch has regarded
her as worthy of our help." The bobbed woman picked up the motherboard.
"You haven't done your chores yet, the ritual room is a mess."

"I got lost in a book."

"Lost is one word for it."

They disappeared into the house, the screen door clattering shut.

I picked up the romance book and began to thumb through it expecting
heaving bosoms and turgid lengths but found circuit diagrams instead. I
hurriedly walked back to my car in the dark, clutching the book to my
chest.

It wasn't a romance novel at all, I found out later, it was a book of
spells.

~*~*~*~


Tom was in deep the next day. My boss had completely forgotten that I
existed, instead chewing out the database engineer for every small
mistake he had ever made in his entire life, including not showering or
shaving often enough despite having to meet with investors. I listened
to him call his wife later, saying that he wasn't sure he'd be home and
that they needed to dip into savings for a new motherboard.

At a glance, it would seem like the chat witch had delivered on her
promise. My boss really had forgotten to torment me at all today and I
sat in my cube quietly poring over the book of spells that seemed like a
load of crap but was very insistent upon itself. There were spells for
the weirdest things: code compiling faster, success in backups, harmony
in the workplace, all required payment, some more than others.

The circuit diagrams were not actually for circuits at all, but for
laying out the ritual site. It called for various things, mice,
keyboards, graphic cards and motherboards, sometimes monitors (for
sight-related rituals involving graphic design). I spent the entire day
reading the book of spells, and perhaps because I had dipped into the
wine a little at lunch, I gathered up a few of my coworkers' keyboards
and one hard drive and set home with my backpack full, ready to "cast" a
spell.

I had laid out the mouse cable according to the book when I heard my
computer go off. Athanasia82 had messaged me.

<Athanasia82> Return my book

I didn't respond, instead I messaged SamusZero about it.

<KoraNectar> I stole a book of spells from the chat witch <SamusZero>
lol, you don't believe that do you? What does it even say?  <KoraNectar>
I'm going to try a spell right now, will tell you how it goes, bbl


I picked the book up off my desk, eyeing the buff man in the ruffled
shirt on the cover before flipping it over to read the spell I was
attempting to cast. It seemed innocuous enough: increased wisdom. Lord
knew I needed more of it.

I sat at one end of my spell diagram and crossed my legs, listening to
the quietness of the apartment, the pipes settling as everyone around me
began to get ready for bed. I closed my eyes and began to chant the
spell in my head: mai istet mai bine mai repede mai puternic.

After a few moments I opened my eyes to see nothing happening and
sighed. Maybe I had mispronounced the words? I didn't even know what
language this was supposed to be. I got up off the floor, my legs
asleep, and stumbled into my bed.

I recited the words as I fell asleep, my fingers tapping to each
syllable: mai istet mai bine mai repede mai puternic. I fell asleep
quickly, no wine required to chase away my fears of being fired, the
foreign language was boring enough, but soothing in a way I had yet to
understand.

~*~*~*~


It was my fire alarm that woke me up, startling me into wakefulness as I
sat up in bed, inhaling smoke and coughing. What was going on? Had I
left the burners on? Was I cooking something and fell asleep?

I stepped out of bed and onto something sticky and hot. I screamed and
fell back into bed, holding my foot with both hands. Frick. Frick. What
happened?

I stumbled over to the window and threw it open sticking my head out and
gulping in the night air.

I began to try and wave the smoke out the window with my arms and after
a good fifteen minutes the whole room had cleared and there was a
pounding on my door. "14B! 14B! Is everything alright? I can see smoke-"

"Fine! Everything is fine." I limped over to the door. "I left the stove
on and fell asleep." I opened the door to see my neighbor, 16C, a
meddling old woman who didn't know how to mind her own business.

"14B, you must be careful, what if the smoke had gotten into my home?
Then what?"

"Then I would pay for the damage, it's late, I'm sorry, I'm going back
to bed."

I turned on the desk lamp and sat back down, turning my foot over in my
hand to see the burn marks, but something caught my eye instead.

All the metal in the computer parts for my spell diagram had melted
away, leaving sticky beige plastic and scorch marks in the carpet. The
spell had done something, but I didn't feel any wiser.

But I was, I was wise enough to know now that the chat witch's special
brand of magic was real.

~*~*~*~


I stood in front of the chat witch's house in the Outer Richmond on a
sunny Saturday afternoon in the late summer of 1994, holding the romance
novel that made me believe in magic and wondering how I was going to
approach it so I could actually meet her. It was about nine thirty in
the morning when I made a decision and the house seemed to know too.

The door opened before I took a step forward and the bobbed hair woman
stepped out. She wore a floral dress and I could hear music floating out
from behind her. "I'm Athanasia," the woman introduced herself. "We've
been waiting for you."

"Is this about the book?" I said, suddenly too afraid to move.

"It's about what you've been doing with the book." Athanasia responded
and looked at a passerby, a homeless person ambling up the street with
his cart. "Come inside."

Success, it was time to meet the chat witch.

The house was cluttered with computer cases and keyboards stacked upon
books and end tables, I noticed the wood floors of the living room were
blackened, covered by a burnt rug. Somewhere in the house, someone was
playing an acoustic guitar. I laid the book on the coffee table, an old
wooden thing that had seen better days.

"She's here?" A voice asked and the bobbed woman who was sitting on the
worn couch looked out into the hallway.

"She's here."

"Good, good. Koranectar, I've been waiting for you, ever since Samus
told me about you." A woman's voice floated down the halls and I stood
up to greet her.

She was a little older than me, draped in a rainbow of rich cloth that
flowed around her as she walked, this woman must be her. She offered a
bejeweled hand, her rings made out of Cat3 cable and telephone wire. "I
am Lilith, the one who cast your spell."

"You're the chat witch."

"Oh no," she shook her head, her long black hair fell over her face, she
batted it away like cobwebs "I am a chat witch, this is our coven."

"When you have need of us," Athanasia said behind us, "You can find us
again, as a favor for returning the book to us."

"I really don't think I'll need you. This is definitely a one time
meeting." The chat witches made me nervous.

"You will need us soon, everyone has need of us after the first time."
Lilith said.

~*~*~*~

Chat witch spells don't last forever, and after the weekend all the
magic from my motherboard had worn off and my boss was on my case again.
I tapped my pen on my mousepad and stared at the search engine I had
built. Tom was missing today, and my boss was leaning over the edge of
my cubicle chewing me out about data integrity.

"If we keep losing records it doesn't make sense now does it Cora." He
drawled, his fingers drumming on the plastic cover of the cubicle wall,
if there was one thing that would drive a woman to murder it was that
sound. "It isn't a search engine if there isn't anything to search."

"Yes, I know but I don't really have anything to do with the records,
Tom-"

"Isn't here, now is he? Stop trying to pass the buck."

"I'm no-"

"Own up to it Cora, man up."

My pen stopped on the mousepad and I drove it down into the desk feeling
the spongy material tear underneath the point. I wondered what it would
feel like to drive this pen into his eye, would it feel like the
mousepad?

"I'll get right on it." I replied coolly.

~*~*~*~

After lunch I messaged SamusZero

<KoraNectar> I met the chat witch. I think I might have become one
<SamusZero> Used the book of spells?  <KoraNectar> Yeah <SamusZero> I
thought it was more like a good luck charm type of thing <KoraNectar>
No, it's real, do you want to meet up?  <SamusZero> Sure


SamusZero lived in Mountain View, she was a kernel developer at Apple
Computers, a failing miserable company that used to have a lot of LSD
and a lot of cash but had little of both these days. She was a bit
taller than me, and a bit pudgier, but twice as funny and twice as smart
as I'd ever hope to be.

We sat at the table in the arcade next to a Dungeons and Dragons game
that was loud to compensate for the chatter of all the machines. She
fidgeted with a pack of cigarettes while I spoke.

"There's a circuit diagram burned into my apartment floor now." I
concluded the story of casting my first spell. "I'm never getting my
deposit back."

"So it's real." She said, biting her lip, looking over at the guy who
was writing down his stats next to us, illuminated by the glow of the
Ninja Turtles cabinet. "What are you going to do? What spell are you
going to try next? Can I come?"

"I returned the book, they knew I had it." I said, dejected for once
that I did the right thing.

"Idiot, you should have xeroxed it or something." she said, winking at
the guy she had been staring at for the better part of an hour.

"Yeah but now they owe me."

"Owe you what? A spell?" Samus turned her attention back to me.

"Yeah, a spell."

"What spell is it going to be?"

"I wish there was a spell to get rid of my boss, he drives me up a
wall."

Samus' eyes flicked to mine and a small smile spread on her face
"There's probably a spell for that."

"Yeah but the book I had only had spells for mundane things, who wants
better luck on C++ compiles? Just write better code."

"Who says that's the only book?" Samus asked flipping her cigarette box
over again "Just ask, what can it harm? They probably hear worse stuff
all the time."

~*~*~*~

I had the query window for Athanasia82 open and I had started and
deleted about twelve messages for the last hour, it was nearing one and
I still hadn't said anything. I finally decided to be upfront about it.

<KoraNectar> I need to get rid of my boss <Athanasia82> This spell
requires heavy payment.  <KoraNectar> Name it

I had access to pretty much everything at my job, no one had suspected
me yet.

<Athanasia82> A server, IBM or Compaq.


We had a server room at work, it was on the lowest level of our
building. I stood between racks and racks of beige machines looking down
the cluttered aisle listening to the hum of progress. Could I really
steal a $5,000 machine for black magic?

"Cora! We haven't seen you down here for a tick." A friendly voice
called, the Systems Admin down here, Chris, was a friend of mine. "Boss
giving you hell?"

I flashed a smile "Isn't he always?"

"He's a real dick." Chris said disentangling himself from the wires he
was hooking up "What can I get you?"

"I need a big favor." I said shifting my weight from one foot to the
other. "I need a server."

"Yeah, for what? All your stuff is hosted over there so what's one more
to the pile."

"No, not my company, I need a server."

Chris looked perplexed "For what?"

I knew he'd never buy the truth, but let it be known that I did not lie
to him, dear reader. "For sacrifice."

He narrowed his eyes but turned on his heel and dragged out a huge beige
box anyways "Your company has a server that's not in use, a brand new
Compaq ProLiant machine that I haven't set up, if you take it, it's your
problem, not mine. Are you...are you fencing it for cash?"

"I told you what I was doing with it Chris, it's your choice not to
believe me." I said toeing the box, COMPAQ in big letters on the side.
"It's for a sacrifice."

"We all make sacrifices, but I mean-"

"Keep it here until five then, yeah? I'll pick it up later."

He grabbed my wrist and held me back before I could leave. "You're not
doing drugs or anything? I know your boss has been hard on you and you
dip into the wine a little more than you need to, but you're not in any
trouble are you?"

"Chris," I said, extricating myself from him. "I promise you, if I need
help, you're the first guy I'd tell, we're friends right?"

"Yeah, but like...well you know sometimes friends don't tell friends
everything and I know it can get hard�" He trailed off and fidgeted with
his pants pocket before looking at me again. "I just want to make sure
you're safe, yeah?"

"Yeah." I didn't argue with him, after all, he was giving me the server
I needed for my ritual.

Chris was right to look out for me, but his concern was misplaced. I
could handle myself.


~*~*~*~


Seeing a five thousand dollar server in pieces on the burnt wooden floor
of the chat witch's house made my stomach do flip flops, the girl who I
had stolen the book from, Persy, short for Persephone, was yanking the
ribbon cables from the hard drives and laying them all neatly in a row
on the floor.

"You will have to cast this spell, KoraNectar." Lillith said stirring
her tea and watching Persy with a close eye. "This spell requires more
than just metal, it requires the caster to know the person they want to
get rid of, and the caster will be marked."

"Marked?"

Lilith nodded and rolled up her sleeve a bit, a simple circuit diagram,
circles and lines, running along with her veins. "Some spells burn into
your skin as a reminder that you cast them, but it's nothing to worry
about for a chat witch."

"I'm not a chat witch, I'm just someone who's here to cast spells."

Lilith raised an eyebrow before sinking back into the worn floral chair
with her tea cup. "There's not much time, it must be cast at dusk. Hurry
up Persy, you've always been slow with your spellwork."

Persy, who was trying to flatten a ribbon cable, looked over her
shoulder, her long braid falling to the floor and ruining another
cable's alignment. "I'm working on it."

"You know," Athanasia said, "This is a very advanced spell to do on your
second time. A notice me not charm, a wisdom spell, and then this?"

"What's so bad about getting someone out of a position they were never
supposed to be in in the first place?" I asked, sitting down cross
legged at the top of the diagram.

"It seems like the wisdom spell you cast didn't work." Athanasia said,
sitting down on another side of the diagram. "However, when a sister
asks, we do not resist her call."

Lilith sat down at the bottom of the diagram placing her tea on the end
table that was closest to her. Finally Persy had straightened out the
ribbon cable and sat down on the remaining side.

"Ok KoraNectar, scapa inrauri are the words to the spell and you must
concentrate on the person. When the capacitors blow you cannot lose
concentration or we'll need a second server, and I don't think those are
easy to come by." Lillith said, doing a meditative pose

I closed my eyes and imitated the pose, feeling silly for sitting on the
floor of some crazy woman in the Outer Richmond, but I began to chant
the words in my head as I had before when I cast the spell at home,
thinking of my boss standing at my cubicle wall tapping his fingers on
the damned plastic.

There was a loud pop and I was startled a little but Lillith's voice
soothed me. "Continue, KoraNectar."

His stupid face when we played stupid Mortal Kombat. Scapa inrauri. Pop.

The way he blamed me for everyone else's stupid problems. Scapa inrauri.
Pop. Now I could smell burning plastic and metal.

The way he called me nothing but a cheerleader for the company I busted
my rear for. Scapa inrauri. Now I could smell the wood burning and hear
the humming of the other witches. The smoke was intoxicating, thoughts
of hate filled me along with the scent of the smoke and I chanted the
words over and over until�

"KoraNectar?" Lillith's voice was concerned and I opened my eyes,
sunlight was streaming through the windows. "Sometimes the smoke gets to
us. It was a complicated ritual."

I held up my hand to block the sunlight and noticed a black mark on my
inner wrist, it was the circuit diagram from the ritual, complicated and
long, it followed my veins up my arms much like Lillith's.

"It is complete." She said. "Come, let's go get brunch."

Chat witches loved brunch, I found out. I did too.

~*~*~*~

My boss stopped coming to work and it was quiet, the rest of the company
unsure whether there even would be a company anymore, the investors
coming and going through our small office space asking questions that
they didn't really understand the answers to.

Late on a Tuesday one of our primary investors, a man I had met many
times as I was paraded around to show diversity leaned over my cube
wall, tapping in the same way my boss had. "Cora, right?"

"Cora." I affirmed, trying to push my empty wine bottle behind my
monitor.

"Listen, Ted, your boss, is missing, he's been missing for some time and
so is a bunch of office equipment, we think he was� you know...
embezzling."

"O-Oh." I swallowed all the bile that had risen in my throat. "He was
always a bit...well you know."

"He seemed to like you well enough, he always brought you to meetings,
do you want the job? I don't know many of these other guys around here."
The primary investor looked me over "Besides you've got the look for it,
imagine a woman-owned tech company, the money will come pouring in."

I frowned. "I really don't think my gender has anything to do with it."

And I was right, it didn't. It had everything to do with magic.

"Well, we need more like you around here." He gestured to the empty cube
farm. "So I'll take what I can get, eh Cora?"

~*~*~*~

When my company was sold to Yahoo a few years later I paid a visit to
the chat witches and offered them part of my profits as tribute, they
told me that the only payment I must give is help to other people on my
server. They handed me the romance novel back with a smile and told me
that I must answer the call if it was asked of me.

It didn't take long.

<InuTomodachi> I need help. This senior engineer is driving me crazy, I
just don't want him to know I exist anymore. They say you're...you know
a chat witch.

I scratched at the tattoo on my wrist before responding.

<KoraNectar> I require payment.  <InuTomodachi> Name it.  <KoraNectar> A
motherboard. Tonight all your problems will go away.  <InuTomodachi>
Thank you.

I typed out my address and that night a girl in an oversized hoodie
appeared on my porch in the Presidio, holding a motherboard in her
hands. "I've come to see the chat witch."