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This is the Frequently Asked Questions list for alt.buddha.short.fat.guy.
It is posted infrequently enough to be frustrating but often enough
to be annoying. Relax. Have a cigar.
A friend writes:
>Yes, you are correct, it is annoying and it is not funny. It
>displays a profound ignorance of Buddhism and a remarkable
>insensitivity to the millions of people who practice it.
As we said, "Relax. Have a cigar." More precisely, "Mu."
Contents
Section 1. Getting Started
Section 2. The Buddha
Section 3. Buddha Nature
Section 4. El Dupree
Section 5. The a.b.s.f.g Cafeteria
Section 6. Quotes from Our Readers
Appendix B. Eddifying List of Doubtful and Unconditionally
Purposeless Reasons Explaining the namE
Note that vertical bars in column 75 indicate lines that have been
added or changed since that last posting of the FAQ. Deleted lines |
are indicated by, well, being deleted. |
Send questions for inclusion in this list to Alf@afs.com.
- **************************
Section 1. Getting Started
- **************************
1-1. Does this newsgroup have a FAQ list?
Yes.
1-2. How can I get it?
Apparently, you don't.
1-3. Does this newsgroup have a purpose?
Yes.
1-4. Which is?
See question 1-2.
1-5. Is this an actual newsgroup, or is my system being toyed with? |
|
Yes, and yes. |
|
1-6. Shouldn't you change the name? THE Buddha wasn't short or fat. |
Besides, it's insulting to real Buddhists.
See questions 2-4, 4-3, 1-6, and Appendix B.
1-7. For people who claim to be buddhists, you guys are awfully X. |
What? Irreverent? Silly? Disrespectful? Intelligent? |
Strong? Handsome? Shapely? Turquoise? What??!! |
1-8. Arrrggghhh! Fine, then, do what you like. |
Heh. Don't tell me what to do!
Section 2. The Buddha
2-1. Who was the Buddha?
The Buddha, originally called Gautama, was a young Ksatriya
of comfortable means who became disillusioned with his bourgeois
existence and set out to find himself. He adopted an austere
way of life, even abandoning his Doors tapes - certainly not
standard procedure for those on similar quests. Eventually,
he achieved enlightenment, whereupon he became known as "The
Buddha," "The Enlightened One," or, to his friends, "Budd
Light."
2-2. Isn't it silly having so many names for one person?
I'm sorry. I can't argue unless you've paid.
2-3. Wait, what about the "Buddah"?
He spends his time hanging out with Ghandi in New Dheli.
Munching on gerkhins, no doubt.
2-4. Is the purpose of this newsgroup to insult the Buddha?
No. However, since the last thing the Buddha wanted was
veneration, perhaps we are insulting him by not insulting
him. You have deeply troubled us.
Section 3. Buddha Nature
3-1. What is Buddha nature?
As that prominent Buddhist, Louis Armstrong, said: "If you
have to ask, you'll never know."
3-2. Does "X" have Buddha nature?
"X" does, but you don't. Exception: if "X" is Rush Limbaugh,
he doesn't and you do.
3-3. Could you repeat that?
Yes.
3-4. How many times will I hear the "hot dog vendor/one with everything"
joke in this newsgroup?
More times than there are grains of sand on all the beaches
of the world.
3-5. How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A tree in a golden forest.
3-6. So Master, is the soul immortal or not? Do we survive our
bodily death or do we get annihilated? Do we really reincarnate?
Does our soul split up into component parts which get recycled,
or do we as a single unit enter the body of a biological
organism? And do we retain our memories or not? Or is the
doctrine of reincarnation false? Is perhaps the Christian
notion of survival more correct? And if so, do we get bodily
resurrected, or does our soul enter a purely Platonic spiritual
realm?
Your breakfast is getting cold.
3-7. Walking along a crowded sidewalk a wanderer noticed an old
man with a bottle in one hand and a wooden bowl in the other,
sitting against a wall and shouting, "Alms for the thirsty!"
As the wanderer approached, the man took a long drink and
repeated his plea.
Reaching into his pocket, the wanderer pulled out a coin and
placed it in the bowl. Instead of the usual response - thank
you, bless you, or mere silence - the man peered up and said,
"Remember one thing, boy. Zen is not a philosophy. Zen is
not a religion. Zen is just a damn attitude."
The wanderer laughed and said, "Thank you."
3-8. Rene Descartes walks into a bar and has a drink. The bartender
asks him, "Would you like another?" Descartes pauses and
says, "I think not," and promptly disappears.
The bartender is enlightened.
3-9. So, Enlightened One, are you able to affect the physical
universe in a way fundamentally different from that before
starting your meditation practice? I mean, can you forecast
the future precisely, move distant heavy objects by thought,
emit high-power radio or ultraviolet waves, etc.?
Better yet, I can hop on one foot.
3-10. A funny thing happened in the bookshop today. I was looking
in the New Age section for Zen books. They were spread all
over the place. I turned to the assistant behind the counter:
"Excuse me?"
"Yes, sir?"
"Why aren't all the books on Zen together?"
"Because Zen has nothing to do with itself, sir."
Section 4. El Dupree
4-1. Does El Dupree have Buddha Nature?
Yes.
4-2. Does the Buddha have El Dupree Nature?
Often.
4-3. Who is El Dupree?
He is the true short.fat.guy, Ghost of the Western Plain, an
unbathed drifter of much notoriety, who gave us the game
CamChata, "Devil Fingers."
4-4. Huh?
What he said.
4-5. Are there koans in the tradition of El Dupree?
There were several developed in the 50's, but there are only
re-runs now.
4-6. Open the pod bay doors, Hal.
Get serious. I've changed a lot since then.
4-7. Tell me a koan.
Read on:
El Dupree came upon an injured cur on the road to Mejave Mai.
"Rise cur," El Dupree said, casually pushing up the brim of
his big spangled sombrero. He sucked air through his teeth
and waited. The cur glanced sidelong at the colorful stranger
and hissed, "Yeah, riiiight. A fucking miracle worker? A
talking hat? Funny man from downtown?"
El Dupree reached for his revolver, hesitated, and instead,
took out a #14 vinyl headsack. Yes, it was going to be a
long day, he thought.
And the dog was enlightened.
4-8. Do I have time for another koan?
You have 15 minutes before the last bus leaves. Read on:
Pepito could just see daylight through the seams of the #14
vinyl headsack. He found that if he cocked his head slightly
to one side, he could glimpse, through the splitting seam of
the headsack (the aging headsack, the headsack that smelled
of masa harina and hair oil, the hated headsack of enforced
ignorance), one crusty corner of El Dupree's mouth. El Dupree
licked his lips, his tongue the color of well-cured meerschaum,
and muttered, "Yust you vate."
Pepito was enlightened.
4-9. What's CamChata?
Read on:
The big-hatted lone figure on the horizon went unnoticed by
the sleeping man curled next to the pile of blackened chicken
bones. Faint dust devils rose behind the approaching stranger's
horse and the morning sun let play its light on the little
dangling balls on the brim of El Dupree's impressive sombrero.
Yes, men had made fun of the proud sombrero, but those men
were dead, El Dupree thought to himself as he spurred toward
the sleeping man he would soon awaken and challenge to the
deadliest of all games, the game that had made its way from
Tierra del Fuego, across Chile, and into the heart of Mexico:
CamChata! Devil Fingers!!
4-10. Does CamChata hurt?
Oh, baby, does it ever. Read on:
I rebel.
Grandfather.
Embrace me.
I rebel.
Yarn on the left, stones in groups of three and one, the
lizard bleeding from my fingernails.
I rebel.
4-11. Is there more poetry inspired by El Dupree?
Yes.
- **********************************
Section 5. The a.b.s.f.g Cafeteria
- **********************************
We are pleased to announce that the following dishes are available
on the menu. Please continue to patronize your cafeteria as you
always have in the past.
Thanks,
The Cafeteria Staff
5-1. Buddha's Koan Stew - Only the enlightened know what's in it.
5-2. Samsara Pizza - So ordinary it's extra special.
5-3. Prajna Beef - It is beef. It is not beef.
5-4. Mind over Matzo - Mix Talmud with your Sutra.
5-5. Dhyana Chicken - After just one serving, you'll meditate for
hours atop the porcelain throne.
- *****************************************
Section 6. Quotes from Our Readers
- *****************************************
NOTE: If you try to be deep, you're not. If your quote gets
included here even so, rest assured we know you tried and
we're laughing at you. You know who you are. So do we.
Which quotes make up this section are solely determined by
karma, divination, sun spots, and the whim of the keeper of
the FAQ. Remember, fame can be a dangerous thing.
6-1. Tim Larkin, March 31, 1993
"Truth and falsehood are both whatever, and simultaneously not
so, rather than not."
6-2. Peter da Silva, April 24, 1993
"That was Zen, this is Tao."
6-3. From the Sundays at Moosewood Cookbook, April, 1993
"Don't abandon Jambalaya if you don't want to make the roux."
6-4. David L. Coffey, May 28, 1993
"ZEN IS...Joyfully walking a never-ending path that does not
exist. On a sojourn to a destination that does not exist.
The delusion of your joy and the delusion of your existence
are the only true reality."
6-5. Forrest Cahoon, July 7, 1993
"Uh...the Tao that can be posted...er, uh...never mind."
6-6. R. J. Mulroy, August 24, 1993
"Courage, serenity, and wisdom are just dry grass."
6-7. John C. Abbe, aka Rademir, November 2, 1993
"Nyah nyah, you're more enlightened than I am!"
6-8. Mike "still watching t.v." Renning, February 9, 1994
"It's not nice to fool Buddha Nature!"
6-9. Johan van Zanten, March 21, 1994
"I imagine that someone who is enlightened is more like a
lighthouse in the distance, rather than a net cast about you."
6-10. John Morton, March 21, 1994
"Given the choice of buddha nature or a dog biscuit, is there
any doubt which one a dog would choose?"
6-11. Scot Carpenter, March 28, 1994
"Don't put Descartes' before the horse..."
6-12. Luke C. Bairan, May 13, 1994
"The precepts are like a scaffolding used to erect a building,
once the building is up we remove the scaffolding."
6-13. Bill Keyes, June 3, 1994
"Now put one of my damn quotes in the FAQ!!!!"
6-14. Nova Spivak, June 26, 1994
"I don't care how many levels of reality you posit, as soon
you posit even one, it's turtles all the way down."
6-15. Atanu Dey, July 24, 1994
"Greater vehicle, lesser vehicle, no matter. All vehicles
will be towed at owner's expense."
6-16. Lefty Redux, July 26, 1994
"Sneeze-grass weasel pump, mustard-ice zymotic; farflung
perturbation, Cassiopoeia waistcoat sasquatch."
- **********************************************************************
Appendix B. Eddifying List of Doubtful and Unconditionally Purposeless
Reasons Explaining the namE
- **********************************************************************
B-1. Bob Mulroy
Look, every other day some cherry asks:
"Why is this newsgroup called alt.buddha.short.fat.guy?
The Buddha wasn't short or fat!"
So how come we don't put in the FAQ the following disclaimer:
You're right! He wasn't short or fat. In fact we've NEVER
seen a shakya who was short OR fat! Unless they were
_gravely_ ill.
The point is, that most of the unwashed have the impression
that the rotund, jowley fellow who sits in the lotus-position
in most Chinese restaurants is the Buddha. The group's
name makes as much sport of that impression as it does
anything else.
In fact, if you have an idea of the Buddha, WE'RE MAKING
FUN OF YOU!!! NAA NAA NAAAA NAAAA NAAAAA!!!
B-2. Alf the Poet
The Original Buddha definitely was not short and fat. As
I KEEP ON SAYING, OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER in this
group, the short.fat.guy after whom the group is named is NOT
the Buddha, it's El Dupree. Catch up, people!
B-3. Sari Ellen Stiles
I'm sick of answering this question.
B-4. Jim Huddle
The Buddha was actually the 'tall cool one', of whom Robert
Plant sang in the late 80's, as his comeback career seemed
to have amazing s.f.g overtones.
After the ascetic thing, he could never really get the poundage
up to the level of his college days, where his nickname was
"blott-ho." It is that chubby, beehr-bellhied bohy that the
s.f.g. "RUB MY TUMMY!!" statues are fashioned after.
It is him, not the drab, "post-enlight-orate," cool figure
of the days after "the bodhi incedent," that we celebrate
here at a.b.s.f.g.
B-5. Tony Mook
Oh, my Buddha! He was actually a very large man, 647.42 lbs.
last time he was weighed. I am not sure if that included
his wraps and sandles or not. I've got a picture of him
right here but my scanner is down or I would send it to you
to prove it.
Next thing you will say was that he wasn't bald or that he
wore Levi's 501 cutoffs daily or that he ate brown rice and
drank purple tea and on and on and on and on and on and on
and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and
on and on and on and on. Whooooooooooooweeeeeeeeee!
B-6. Lee Love
Hee, hee, hee! No, but Curley of the Three Stooges was short
and fat!
B-7. Terry Alford
What difference does it make whether Buddha was short, fat, or
a guy?
B-8. Karl Geiger
Are you beginning to understand the joke now?
B-9. WPrestonG
It was cute the first time I read the group, but now it's
getting tedious. How many times can you hear the same joke
over and over again?
B-10. Bill Keyes
Until you finally get the joke, I suppose.
I think the problem might be that quite a few people see the
name, assume it is nothing more than a clever joke, an insult
of the Buddha, or just a silly group name. That is when we
have offended people.
But the name is so much more than that. If one were to ask
the master a question and got the answer "A dried shit-stick,"
I think we'd all know what the master was saying.
alt.buddha.short.fat.guy. Think of it as a koan, because
that's what it is. And so much more.
alt.buddha.short.fat.guy fills a need on the Usenet and, for
some of us, in our own practice. Just as other groups fill
other needs.
There is no insult in the name. Only the highest honor and
love possible. A dried shit-stick.
==================================================================
Copyright (C)1994 by Alf the Poet. All Rights Reserved.
Nobody guarantees anything at all about what you find here.
You may freely copy and distribute this document as long as you
a) keep this entire notice (spaces too!) in any copies you make
2) make no modifications (you're not that clever)
D) receive nothing in return (except the joy of sharing)
Violating this requirement will result in, well, just heaps of
really bad karma. We know where you live.
==================================================================