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Stardate 2021-05-19
Every so often I reflect on my life and think about the times when I mistreated
someone because of my own inadequacies as a fellow human. These are events that
I truly regret and as a result, they greatly shaped who I am today. I would like
to tell those stories and write an apology to the people involved in the story.
My plan is to write these letters in chronological order, starting from my
youngest age to now. This letter is the first of the series.
When I was about 13 years old I was riding home on the school bus. A couple of
classmates were talking about a video game that piqued my interest.
Me: "What game are you talking about?" John: "It's a computer game called Graal Online." Connor: "It's like a multiplayer zelda game."
I ran home and figured out how to install the game. Eventually I logged in and
met up with John and Connor. They showed me around the game and helped me get
hearts and weapons. I was having a blast. This was one of the first online
multiplayer games I have ever played and needless to say, I was hooked from the
beginning.
There was one aspect of the game that was really interesting. It wasn't just an
adventure game, it was also a builder game. I think of it like minecraft but
with 2d zelda graphics. People could build levels and then upload them to the
game server so other people could play on your levels.
Another aspect of this game was playerworlds. People could purchase their own
server and then build their own worlds. Not only could players build levels, but
there was also a scripting language (GScript) to build NPCs, events, etc. The
creators of the playerworlds would also hire other players to help them build
the world. These were referred to as "Staff." They had their own special guild
tags so everyone would know that they were staff members. This usually came with
special abilities, access to hidden levels, as well as a special chatroom for
all the staff members to talk.
One day, John decided to show me what he built. He built a house that him and
his friends could go to and hang out. I was really impressed. It was clear he
spent a lot of time building it and was really proud that he managed to get it
uploaded to the playerworld for everyone to see.
Some time had passed and I was getting really into the game. I started to learn
more about how the game worked and more importantly I started to learn how
exclusive and how powerful you can be as a staff member. Staff members would
walk through walls, teleport to any level, and have abilities no one else had
access to. Not to mention the really sweet tags next to their names.
The easiest way to become a staff member was to have a marketable skill and
willing to help them build their playerworld. Here are the common positions:
- LAT (Levels Administration Team)
- NAT (NPC Administration Team)
- GAT (Graphics Administration Team)
- SFX (Sound effects)
I decided that I would apply for the LAT position since the playerworld I played
on was hiring. They wanted to see an example of a level I built.
I don't know what came over me but I decided to show them John's level. The
staff member teleported us to the level and he took a look around. He was as
impressed as I was with the level and decided to give me the position.
Needless to say I was ecstatic. I was part of the exclusive club. I was walking
through walls and teleporting all over the place. Not only that, but I got
access to the entire world and could see how the playerworld operated. I was
having a blast.
A week or so later I get a message from the person that hired me.
Staff: "Hey Erock, we need to talk." Me: "Okay?"
The staff member teleports me to where he was. It was John's house that I
claimed to be my own. He also wasn't alone ... John was also there waiting for
me. At this point I'm freaking out because it became clear in that instant that
I had been caught as a fraud.
I don't know how, but John figured out that I said his house was mine in order
to get the LAT position and he told the staff member. I was mortified.
I was immediately stripped of my LAT position along with all of its trappings.
After that embarrassing event, John and I were never really the same again. I
never apologized for what I did and we pretty much stopped hanging out. I really
liked John. I looked up to him. He was one of the gifted kids. He was in honors
classes and the REACH program that always seemed to have the coolest rooms in
the school. I made a stupid decision and never recovered from it.
After I was stripped of my LAT title and outed as a fraud I continued to play
Graal. I continued to try to prove to myself and anyone else that I wasn't a
fraud. I eventually became LAT Lead on multiple playerworlds and built a
reputation for building great levels. By this point years have gone by and John
and Connor have long stopped playing the game.
I know it sounds silly, it's just a game, right? But I learned a valuable lesson
that day about pretending to be someone I'm not. I learned that there are no
shortcuts in life and that I have to work hard for the thing I want in life.
20 years later and I still reflect on that life event.
Dear John,
I've always wanted to apologize for what I did. At the time, I wanted something
so badly that I was willing to lie and cheat to get it. Claiming your level as
my own was the quickest way to getting what I wanted. I was immature and didn't
fully understand the ramifications of my actions. I just want to let you know
that I've never forgotten what happened and I still haven't really forgiven my
13 year old self for being so selfish.
I wish I had the courage and maturity to tell you this when we were 13. I wish
that I had the clarity I do now to confront my own insecurities and try to
salvage our relatively new friendship.
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Want to chat? email me at gemlog@erock.io