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VAX Trek V The Movie: "The Crunchy Bits" ---------------------------------------- These are the voyages of the VAXShip Enterkey..Its five cpu minute mission to seek out and destroy all slightly dodgy files...To boldly split infinitives where there's no grammar teacher to slap our wrists.... Captain's log, CPU Time: 3:45 point 31 -------------------------------------- Nothing much happening. Had quite a nice chicken curry for breakfast. Walked about a bit. Went to the toilet on deck 4. Ignored a few insignificant crew members in red jerseys. Now sitting on the bridge writing this log, but I'm about to be interrupted by Scotty. Scotty: "Scott to bridge..Scott to bridge.." Jim: "Go ahead Mr. Scott.." Scotty: "Cap'n Cap'n...the dilithium crystals canna take any more!" Jim: "Alright alright you have permission to divert the power back to the main engines and disconnect my home beer making kit." Scotty: "Thanks cap'n" Jim: "Attention everyone, it's jersey colour allocation day today..." Sulu: "Aw siiiir...do we HAVE to?? We always end up with same colour jerseys anyway..." Jim: "Listen..this must be seen to be a democratically run ship...The plebs on the lower decks have to believe the allocation is fair otherwise we'd have mutiny on our hands. Hence the weekly jersey allocation game. But of course we cleverly arrange it that they always lose, and end up with the red ones." Scotty: "So why do I get a red one?" Jim: "Don't you see?..someone important has to have one to make them believe it's perfectly safe to wear a red one....but of course yours just LOOKS red.. it's really one of the yellow ones with a special holographic colour refractor built in." Spock: "It's perfectly logical....Captain" Jim: "Shut up Spock, you pointy eared wierdo" Spock: "As I am completely devoid of emotion, anger isn't something I suffer from..but I would warn you that if you persist in these insults I'll kick your teeth in." Jim: "You do value having a BLUE jersey Spock don't you?" Spock: "Emmm....yes captain" Jim: "Any more of your lip and you'll be allocated a red one...." Spock: "sorry sir...won't happen again" Lt.Uhura: "Sir,..is my red jersey really a yellow one like Mr.Scott's?" Jim: "No...yours is a real red one....you get killed in the next episode.." Lt.Uhura: "In that case I'll just resign from the show before the next episode. I can get another acting job easily." Jim: "Fair enough...but how do you propose to get home?" Lt.Uhura: "..But I thought..." Jim: "I know..you thought we were in a studio set somewhere in Hollywood?" Lt.Uhura: "..basically...yes.." Jim: "..A popular misconception....don't worry though...we meet up with a supply ship returning to earth in two episode's time." Lt.Uhura: "...but i get killed in the next episode..it'll be too late" Jim: "Hmm...Scotty..if we fed the output of the warp drive exciter windings into the main neutrino pulse modulator, reversed the polarity on the fusion reactor field, and plugged the pacman cartridge into the games console in the level 3 rec. room, would that allow us to make episode 3 happen before episode 2?" Scotty: "No....but if we press this big orange button here...." NEXT WEEK: Episode 3. NEXT NEXT WEEK: Episode 2. ...you're a genius scotty... Credits: ------- Story by: DJY Special Effects: DJY Photon Torpedoes Supplied By: DJY VAX Computer System kindly run by: Those Great Computer Centre People Things Fall By: The force of gravity. Tune in again..same time..same channel...next week...