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MacWeeny Rider
(with apologizes to Charlie Daniels)
Sung to the tune of "Uneasy Rider"
I was taking a trip to spring COMDEX,
cruising along in my 300 ZX,
gonna demo the MAC version of Crosstalk Sixteen.
I had just turned on to old Spring Street,
when I felt a crunch down by my feet,
my poor little mouse had just broke apart.
Didn't have a spare so I started to sweat,
'cause the Director of Sales would have my neck
"Don't screw up son, or we'll be hung out to dry!"
I started looking for a park for my ride
found a tall building then pulled to the side,
kinda white collar looking place called the IBM tower.
I stuffed the mouse down into my jeans
then walked inside, it was surgery clean,
asked a cute blonde if I could use her phone.
Well she looked so fine I'm telling you son
but her eyes were colder than the finish on a gun
and she glared at me and passed the cord around.
I called up Innacomp down the road away
the man said he wasn't very busy today
and he could have someone there in a few minutes or so.
He said "Now we know Crosstalk's our biggest account,
so just sit tight we're gonna help you out,
we'll drop a new mouse right on your front seat!"
I just walked on over to the chrome and glass couch
the kinda of seat were you never can crouch
and picked up a copy of PC Magazine.
I started reading a story `bout a bankrupt VAR
when some guy walks in and says "Who owns this car
with the Escort, nose-bra and alloy wheels?"
Well he looked at me and I damn near died
so I decided I just better wait outside,
so I gave the blonde a wink and headed for the door.
I was about out the door without laughing out loud
when in walks this fascist looking crowd
with another blonde; all of wearing white shirts.
I was almost to the door when the smallest one
said "You're a MAC weeny, aren't you son?"
but when I went for my car keys the mouse fell out.
Well they all started laughing and I felt outa place
I knew better to fool with the "master race"
so I just reached out and kicked old shorty right in the balls.
He let out a shriek that could crack some glass
but before he could speak he fell on his ass
and I said "Watch him boys, cause he's a Apple user too!
You've all been conned by this here fool
he's sold all the secrets about the PS2's
to anyone who ever used a mouse."
I said "Would you believe this man, has gone as far
as giving micro channels to Apple VAR's
and he's a member of Greenpeace as well.
He eats granola and wears bikini briefs
drives a Volvo and has silk sheets,
hell, he even voted for Walter Mondale!
He's a real liberal, I tell ya guys
when talking 'bout women he don't even lie
and his wife is a secretary for UNISYS.
He wants gun control and free school lunch
socialized medicine and I gotta hunch,
he drinks Perrier and eats only vegetables."
They all started looking real funny at him
but he jump right up and said "Now wait a minute Lynn
you know he's lying I had double meat Whopper for lunch!
I hunt them deers with my Remmington
and down at the Cheetah III we all have fun
when I get those gals to table dance."
Then he started saying something 'bout the length of my hair
and I felt them eyes all starting to stare
at the "Simon for Prez" button on my pants.
Well, I hit the door but they followed my ass
my Reeboks dug in and I made a dash
toward my car where the Innacomp van was parked.
They had plugged a new mouse in the back of the MAC
so I threw 'em a PO and said "Hey, thanks a bunch Jack!"
dropped her in first and got rubber getting out of that spot.
They headed for their Buicks but I hit the gas
and turned around and headed them off at the pass
I was at full boost, putting a ton of gravel in the air.
Well, I had them all their yelling and screaming
and they were so lost they thought they was dreaming
but I figured I'd better git 'fore security got there.
Ralph Nader himself would have sure be proud
(I was obeying the speed limit when I left that crowd)
and my catalytic converter was working just right.
I moved on down to Peachtree street
thinking how it was particularly neat,
the way those Nazis looked when I left.
With COMDEX in sight I paused to think,
how IBM could employ such finks
all white shirts and ties, what a bunch of drones.
My demo went fine, the MAC was a hit
and the PS2's took a lotta shit
'cause Compaq was showing off some clones.
COMDEX FALL is where I'll go next year,
provided, of course, IBM's there to jeer.