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System Design 101
by Greg Borek
If automobiles were manufactured the same way programs are...
Team Leader (TL): OK, what have we got?
Programmer (P): Well, we drove the new release out of the factory and
it didn't catch fire, ...well, within the first 3 miles anyway. I
think we may be onto a winner here.
TL: Excellent! Does the car perform the way the customer wants?
P: Sort of. The customer asked for a car that can cruise at highway
speeds, and our new release can attain speeds of nearly 75 mph,
...um, under certain conditions.
TL: What conditions do you mean, besides obvious ones like going down
a steep hill?
P: As long as there is not too much fuel in the tank and no one is
actually in the car at the time, we can attain some really good
speeds. Passengers particularly tend to degrade the performance.
TL: Not allowing passengers in a car may inconvenience the user. How
much is the performance degraded by a passenger?
P: One passenger chopped the speed down to 8 mph. I'm sure the
customer can adapt his highway driving to accommodate this slight
restriction. I'm absolutely sure he won't mind when he gets a load
of all of the fancy features included in this new release.
TL: You did remember to adequately document these alleged features in
the owner's manual, I hope? It was sort of embarrassing the number
of support calls we got about people not knowing they had to start
the car by putting the key in the trunk lock.
Random Access Humor Page 5 August 1993
P: All of the features are very clearly and simply explained. That
guy we hired that used to write tax booklets for the IRS can sure
churn out manuals. Especially the twelve chapters devoted to the air
conditioner. We felt that it was necessary to go into some detail
about the air conditioner.
TL: Why so many chapters about the air conditioner?
P: The user wanted a really powerful air conditioner, and, well, the
boys down in the design department got a little carried away. The
car doesn't so much have an air conditioner as a refrigeration unit.
TL: Doesn't that degrade the engine performance?
P: We were worried about that too until one of the brainboxes came up
with the idea of "overlaying" the engine. For the mere cost of half
of the passenger compartment we swap the pieces of the engine between
the engine and passenger compartments. Only the pieces of the engine
that are currently in use are under the hood. We really feel this
was the most clever way to provide all of the required features while
reducing the overall size of the vehicle.
TL: Even so the thing is a bit large. I seem to remember the target
size of the vehicle being about that of a 2 seater, wasn't it? To
the casual observer, our vehicle looks kind of like an Essex-class
aircraft carrier.
P: I know, and down in the design department we are kind of
embarrassed. We really wanted to make sure we included all of the
neat features we had been working on.
TL: Did the user ask for all of these features?
P: Well, not all of them, but they are all really neat... and he
probably will once he sees what we've included. I mean, the rocket
launchers alone may prove invaluable during his commute to work.
TL: That's true, but what about the gas milage?
P: We came close to what the user asked for, provided he's not too
finicky and does not know basic math. If you look off the stern you
can see the tractor semi-trailer tanker truck that must be connected
to the car at all times. We are going to recommend prepositioning
the tanker trucks at every exit on the interstate.
TL: You know, all in all we made it a pretty lousy sports car. At
least we can take solace in the fact we met the government standards
for a sports car. Good job. {RAH}
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Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway
Bandit" - but don't tell his boss we told you) in Falls Church, VA.
He has previously been mistaken for a vampire. Netmail to: Greg
Borek at 1:261/1129. Internet: greg.borek@f1129.n261.z1.fidonet.org