💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › humor › COMPUTER › newusega.hum captured on 2022-06-12 at 09:20:46.
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[The following pamphlet is a courtesy of your local Department of
Agriculture.]
PARASITE PAMPLET #3 : NEW USERS
HOW TO DETECT AND DESTROY THEM
Many garden owners are worried about the recent infestation of the parasites
known as "Novum Userum." This family of insect, descended from the cockroach,
are a bane to garden owners everywhere. However, if they are spotted early,
and appropriate measures are taken, they can be contained.
New users often crop up during the November-January months; the climate at
this time is conducive to their survival, and they often are equipped with
bright red modems.
New users do not mate; instead, this insect has the fascinating ability to
reproduce by eating controversy, and then laying eggs. The eggs are often
described as "brown things," and they have an odor close to that of Limburger
cheese kept in the sun for three days. The eggs can be smashed or burned, and
the threat therein eliminated.
However, as the eggs are hard to detect, often an unsuspecting garden owner
will have new users in his or her garden without being aware of them. Garden
owners should be aware of the following signs :
- The cry of "SEND E-MAIL. SEND E-MAIL."
- A large preponderance of "!!!!!!!" in your garden.
- Original titles, such as "NEW USER," or "BOB SMITH."
- Opening lines which are something like "HELLO!!!!
I'M A NEW USER, AND I'M REALLY A NEAT PERSON."
- Overuse of the word "COOL," "K00L," or any derivative
thereof.
- Long, large sentences without any grammatical
structure whatsoever.
- Users who don't appear to know how to exit the "post message"
function.
For your convenience, a sample user message has been shown below :
FROM : BOB SMITH
TO : ALL
ABOUT: HI!!!
HI!!!! EVERYBODY!!! IM A NEW UZER
(USER, HA HA HA, CANT SPELLL) AND
I REALLY WANT TO GET TO KNOW ALL
OF YOU PEOPLE OUT THERE I JUST GOT
MY NEW MODEM FOR CHRISTMAS AND
I THINK THAT IT IS REALLY FUN AND
NEET TO CALL ALL YOU NEAT PEOPLE
ANYWAY IM TAKING UP ENOUGH SPACE
(HA HA HA) SO ILL JUST EXIT SEND
ME E-MAIL SEND ME E-MAIL PLEASE
PLEASE!!!!!
BOB SMITH
/ED
/EL
/DD
/BYE
/QUIT
ROD HOW DO I GET OUT OF THIS?????
THANKS ROD!!!!! CAN YOU RAISE MY
LEVEL I POSTED
The most important thing do to, when you suspect that you have new users in
your garden, is to remain calm. There are many precautions that can be taken
to prevent the pests from spreading.
- Sending E-mail to the annoying new user, saying "If you don't be
quiet for three weeks, I'm going to have you kicked off."
- Getting the Sysop annoyed at the new user, and having the Sysop
expel the new user from your garden.
- Making friends with the new user, going out to the movies with
them, and then torturing them with a knife.
- Getting massive hate mail against a new user.
- Kindly tell the new user how to not be a new user.
If you have any questions, you may call your local Department of Agriculture.
If needed, a federal agent will be glad to come out and examine your garden.
- Dark Shadow
[P.S. Personally, I prefer telling new users how not to be new users.]