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* From the New Yorker Magazine: Article by Bruce McCall *
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ROLLED IN RARE BOHEMIAN ONYX,
THEN VULCANIZED BY HAND
Here's an offer that's so limited, you can't have it.
Dear Eminent Patron of the Mail Order Arts:
Imagine a collector's item so exquisitely detailed that each
is actually INVISIBLE to the naked eye.
Think of an heirloom so limited in availability that when you
order it, the mint specially constructed to craft it will be
DEMOLISHED.
Ponder an item so precious that its value has actually TRIPLED
since you began reading this.
KILN-FIRED IN EDIBLE
TWENTY-FOUR-CALORIE SILVER
Never before in human history has the Polk McKinley Harding Coolidge
Mint (not a U.S. Government body) commissioned such a rarity.
Consider: Miniature pewterine reproductions,
authenticated by the World Court at The Hague and sent
to you in moisture-resistant Styrofoam chests, of the
front-door letters of Hollywood's most beloved
character actors and actresses.
A special blue-ribbon Advisory Panel will insure that the Foundation
Council's certificated and inscribed insignia is approved by Her
Majesty's Master of Heralds before the application deadline.
Meanwhile, they are yours to inspect in the privacy of your
home, office, shop, or den for TWENTY YEARS by express permission,
already withdrawn, of the Polk McKinley Harding Coolidge Mint -- the
only mint authorized to stamp your application with its own seal.
The equivalent of three centuries of painstaking
historical research, supervised by the U.S. Bureau of
Mines, has preceded this issue of THE ORNAMENTAL
HANDLES OF THE WALKING CANES OF THE HOHENZOLLERN
PRINCELINGS.
Our miniature craftsmen have designed, cast, struck, etched, forged,
and finished these authentic reproductions -- not available in any
store, even before they were commissioned -- literally WITHOUT REGARD
for quality.
CERTIFIED BY THE
AMERICAN KENNEL CLUB
But now, through a special arrangement with the Postmaster General of
the Republic of San Marino, this seventy-two piece commemorative
plinth, honoring THE FOOTPRINTS OF THE GREAT JEWEL THIEVES OF THE
FRENCH RIVIERA -- each encased in its own watered-silk caddy that
revolved 360 degrees on genuine Swedish steel ball bearings -- has
been canceled.
A unique way, you will agree, of introducing you and your
loved ones to THE GREAT COOKIE JARS OF THE RESTORATION, just like
those Congreve the boy must have pilfered from.
They are so authentic that you can actually smell them
with your nose.
And don't forget: every set of hand-fired porcelain reproductions of
THE PADLOCKS OF THE FREE WORLD'S GREAT CUSTOMS HOUSES comes sealed in
an airtight cask, fashioned after the shoe locker of a Mogul emperor
so famous that we are prohibited from disclosing his name.
TWELVE MEN DIED
TO MAKE THE INGOTS PERFECT
But why, as a prudent investor, should you spend thousands of dollars,
every month for a lifetime, to acquire this eighty-eight-piece set of
OFFICIAL DIPLOMATIC LICENCE PLATES OF THE WORLD'S GREAT
GOVERNMENTS-IN-EXILE?
One Minnesota collector comments, "I never expected to buy an
item so desirable that it has already kept its haunting fascination
forever."
But even this merely hints at the extraordinary investment
potential of the Connoisseur's Choice selection of GREAT ELEVATOR
INSPECTION CERTIFICATES OF THE WORLD'S TALLEST BUILDINGS.
Molded in unobtainable molybdenum, each is
precision-ejected from a flying aircraft to check a
zinc content that must measure .000000003 percent or
the entire batch will be melted down, discarded, and
forgotten.
But "keepsake" is an inadequate term. Your Jubilee Edition of the 566
TUNIC BUTTONS OF THE WORLD'S LEGENDARY HOTEL PORTERS will take you
from New York City to San Francisco to Hong Kong to Bombay ... and
then actually PAY YOUR WAY back home.
There is one more aspect for you to consider before refusing
this offer.
If you wish, you can have THE LAVALIERE MIKES OF TV'S GREATEST
TALK SHOW CELEBRITY GUESTS, custom-mounted on driftwood plaques that
serve as 175 dainty TV snack tables -- free.
There is, of course, a surcharge and a handling fee, as well
as the 25 percent duplication cost. But so amazing is this offer that
you need only pay this levy once -- and never again be bothered by it
in your mortal life.
If for whatever reason you elect not to purchase the
complimentary TOKENS OF THE WORLD'S GREATEST SUBWAY SYSTEMS, you still
profit:
The solid-gold VENETIAN GONDOLIER'S BOAT POLE
TOOTHPICK and velvet-lined presentation case are yours
to treasure for as long as this incredible offer
lasts.
Our DISTINCTIVE AX MARKS OF THE IMMORTAL BRAZILIAN RUBBER PLANTERS are
in such short supply that an advance application in your name is
already reserved for you. To protect your investment, NONE will be
made.
REGISTERED WITH THE
DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES
A dazzling proposition, you will agree. If you do not, your 560-piece
set of BELGIUM'S MOST CHERISHED WAFFLE PATTERNS, together with your
check or money order, will be buried at sea on or before midnight,
April 15, 1982 -- the seventieth anniversary, college-trained
historians tell us, of the sinking of the R.M.S TITANIC, one of the
sixty-six GREAT MARINE DISASTERS commemorated in this
never-yet-offered series, each individually bronzed, annealed,
Martinized, and hickory-cured by skilled artisans working under the
supervision of the Tulane University Board of Regents.
Please note that each comes wrapped in authentic North
Atlantic seaweed, its salt content confirmed by
affidavit.
Best of all, you need not order. Simply steal a new Rolls-Royce, fence
it, and turn the bills into small denominations of used money (U.S.
currency only, please). No salesman will call. The Polk McKinley
Harding Coolidge Mint is not a U.S. Government body. This is not an
offering.
The Polk McKinley
Harding Coolidge Mint
P.S. If you have already begun your NAPKIN RINGS OF THE STATE SUPREME
COURT DINING ROOMS collection, please disregard.
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Copyright (C) 1981 The New Yorker Magazine, Inc.