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From: gvg@hplvec.LVLD.HP.COM (Greg Goebel) SUPPORT IS HELL: The Torture Never Stops "Oh, yes, we're working on that right now, sir!" (You're $%#* of of luck, buddy!) "Support is hell, Jeff. I don't know what to do." "Try some M&Ms." Chapter 2: The 9 Types of Supporters 1: THE NEW KID: "Do you have a dog? ... My name? I'll have to get back to you on that." ADVANTAGE: Can be used as backup often. DISADVANTAGE: Is incapable of remembering anything even if told four or five times. 2: EAGER BEAVER: "Sure, I can write an emulation program by this afternoon ... one of those new boxes? I'd sure like to get my fingers into one. I think I know where there's one just down the hall ... " ADVANTAGE: Works hard. DISADVANTAGE: Makes a lot of work for everyone else. 3: THE KNOW-IT-ALL: "Well, I could tell you how to do that ... but I think I could recommend a better approach ... " ADVANTAGE: Closes lots of calls. DISADVANTAGE: If he doesn't know the answer he makes one up. 4: THE PSYCHO: "READ MY LIPS, YOU BOZO! Are you STUPID or something?! YOU CAN'T DO THAT!" ADVANTAGE: Scares customers away. DISADVANTAGE: His hobby is collecting guns and you can't sleep at night. 5: THE ASPIRING HACKER: RING taptaptaptap RING RING taptaptaptap RING RING RING taptaptaptap RING RING RING RING "Will someone get the phone?" taptaptaptap ADVANTAGE: Answers questions about OS schedulers and internals of IO drivers. DISADVANTAGE: Works on everything but what he's supposed to do. 6: THE COUNSELOR: "Oh my. Oh dear. Uh huh ... yes ... and then what happened? ... yes, I have plenty of time ... oh, no, no problem, that's my job ... " ADVANTAGE: Soothes angry customers. DISADVANTAGE: Capable of instant jekyll-&-hyde transformation into psycho. 7: THE INTIMIDATOR: "Why did you do THAT?! Haven't you had any TRAINING?! Don't you know Section 5.1.2.1.1 of the IEEE spec?!" ADVANTAGE: Customers don't return call. DISADVANTAGE: May become your boss. 8: THE VET: "Oh! That's there for backward compatibility. They added it in rev 2.00.03 but they didn't document it." ADVANTAGE: Solves the most obscure problems casually. DISADVANTAGE: Prone to long, tedious, rambling flashbacks. 9: THE CRISPY CRITTER: "I don't know. I don't care. Your problem, that says it all, I have my own to take care of. Why are you using this product, anyway?" ADVANTAGE: He's still working. DISADVANTAGE: He's yourself three years from now. [<>] anon