💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › humor › COMPUTER › addict.dat captured on 2022-06-12 at 09:06:46.
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$Q1: Do you own a modem? $N: 0: STOP! Go no further. Anyone who would use a borrowed modem to access $N: a BBS may one day become a BBS addict, but is not yet hooked. $Y: 1: $Q2: Is your modem capable of 1200 BPS or higher? (c'mon now, another $Q2: obvious question, but one that needs asking...we need to weed out the $Q2: impostors, here.) $N: 0: Very good. You are exhibit the trait of patience, which is unusual $N:among BBS addicts. $Y: 1: $Q3: Regardless of the speed of your modem (even if you have a 14,400 BPS $Q3: monster-modem) do you wish your modem was faster? $N: 0: Excellent. Once again, patience is demonstrated. Things are looking $N:good for you. $Y: 2: Uh Oh. This is an important danger sign! $Q4: Have you used your modem in the past week? $N: 0: $Y: 1: $Q5: Have you used your modem in the past 24 hours? $N: 0: $Y: 1: $Q6: Have you used your modem in the past 30 minutes? $N: 0: $Y: 1: Hmmm...could be indicative of a problem... $Q7: Do you regularly call more than 5 BBSs? $N: 0: Ah. Restraint and moderation are indicated...very good prognosis. $Y: 1: $Q8: Do you regularly call more than 10 BBSs? $N: 0: Not great, but still not necessarily dangerous. $Y: 2: Another danger signal. You are beginning to look like a good candidate. $Q9: Have you filled your dialing directory to capacity, and then call all of $Q9: them? $N: 0: $Y: 3: You are definitely beginning to show danger signs. $Q10: Are your phone bills regularly over $100 per month? $N: 0: $Y: 2: Not good, not good... $Q11: Are your phone bills regularly over $300 per month? $N: 0: $Y: 2: Whoooeee! You have it ba-a-a-d! $Q12: Are your phone bills regularly over $500 per month? $N: 0: $Y: 3: Oh dear me. I sincerely hope you are independently wealthy. $Q13: Is there any other monthly bill that you pay that is higher than your $Q13: phone bill? $N: 4: Please lie down. Tell me, do you hate your mother? $Y: 0: $Q14: Is your phone bill so large it gets delivered by UPS? $N: 0: $Y: 4: You are definitely showing signs of addiction here... $Q15: Do you tell yourself after receiving a phone bull that you will cut back $Q15: on your long distance BBSing, and end up subscribing to Dial-A-Visit instead? $N: 0: $Y: 2: ~mumble~ serious symptoms of ~mumble~ ~mumble~ therapy ~mumble~ $Q16: Do you leave long, tearful announcements on long distance BBSs telling $Q16: everyone that you will no longer be calling due to financial strains, and $Q16: then check back every 3 or 4 days anyway, "just to see if anyone left me any $Q16: mail?" $N: 0: $Y: 3: Classic symptomology...open your mouth and say Ahhhhh.... $Q17: Does your phone company send you hand-written thank-you notes? $N: 0: $Y: 4: Paging Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine and Dr. Howard... $Q18: When you return from vacations, do you get a phone call from your phone $Q18: company, asking if everything is alright? $N: 0: $Y: 3: $Q19: Do you find yourself taking naps so that you can be awake and refreshed $Q19: for a late-night BBS session? $N: 0: $Y: 4: Most addictive/compulsive behaviour can be traced to childhood trauma... $Y: Did your parents ever threaten you with a telephone? $Q20: Did you ever cancel a date because s/he wanted a late-night dinner (when $Q20: the phone rates are lowest)? $N: 0: $Y: 3: Social dysfunctionality is common among addictive personalities... $Q21: Do you call during the morning hours, knowing that the phone rates are $Q20: highest, with the excuse that "At least I'll be able to get on?" $N: 0: $Y: 3: Fiscal irresponsibility is another common trait of the compulsive $Y: individual... $Q22: Is your spouse ready to oil your keyboard to get rid of that annoying $Q22: late-night "clickety-clack?" $N: 0: $Y: 3: Disruption of familial relations is quite common as well... $Q23: Do you ever sleep for more than 2 hours at a stretch? $N: 5: Sleep disorders are not at all uncommon among addicts. $Q24: Have you suddenly discovered that you can touch-type, from all those BBS $Q22: sessions done in the dark? $N: 0: $Y: 2: Coping mechanisms take unusual forms, sometimes. They can even appear $Y: to be positive. $Q25: Do you cringe when you see lightning coming your way, and rush to unplug $Q25: your modem from the wall? $N: 0: Either a calm, non-addict or an addict with a good surge protector... $Y: 2: $Q26: Do you continue your BBS session anyway because you are in the middle of $Q25: a 1200 block download at 1200 BPS...and you don't want to foul it up? $N: 0: Excellent. A well developed sense of priorities is a good sign. $Y: 3: Priorities are lacking. Not a good sign... $Q27: Do you own a backup generator so you can run your computer even when $Q25: the power company can't? $N: 0: $Y: 4: Definitely compulsive, and probably obsessive as well... $Q28: Do you have a complicated set of air motion devices hanging all around $Q25: your computer and modem, because you never turn them off? $N: 0: $Y: 3: Haven't you heard about environmental conservation? $Q29: Have you ever logged onto a BBS, and then realized you had no idea what $Q25: city, state or country it is in? $N: 0: Good contact with reality is an important sign of stability. $Y: 3: Lack of contact with reality is an important sign of instability. $Q30: Can you log on a BBS, browse, and log off without ever having turned $Q25: your monitor on? $N: 0: $Y: 2: $Q31: Can your spouse spot you in a crowd from the back of your head? $N: 0: $Y: 1: $Q32: Is there a worn spot on the rug in front of the computer? $N: 0: $Y: 2: $Q33: Are the words "ON LINE" burnt into the screen of your monitor? $N: 0: $Y: 2: $Q34: Do you know your modem initialization string by heart? $N: 0: $Y: 3: Obsessive attention to trivia can be a sign of compulsive behaviour $Q35: Do you consider yourself a militant non-techie, yet still know enough $Q35: to change your modem initialization string to make the system run silently? $N: 0: $Y: 3: Deception and secretiveness are both strong indications of addiciton $Q36: Do you know more about what is going on in ther lives of the people $Q35: in your BBS community than you do about the people with whom you live? $N: 0: $Y: 5: Disruption of familial responsibilities and contact is a very harmful $Y: symptom of addiction. $Q37: Do you order diskettes in lots of 100 or more? $N: 0: $Y: 1: $Q38: Have you recently purchased a hard disk drive, because you have wearied $Q35: of constantly flipping floppy diskettes in and out of your computer? $N: 0: $Y: 1: $Q39: Have you discovered that the hard disk drive you just bought isn't $Q35: large enough to hold all of your downloaded files, and you have to use $Q35: floppy diskettes anyway? $N: 0: $Y: 2: $Q40: Does your hard disk drive contain more files than any of the BBSs you $Q35: call? $N: 0: $Y: 2: $Q41: Do you actually use any of the files you download and archive? $N: 3: Hoarding of useless items is a common activity among addicts. $Y: 0: $Q42: Do you compete with others to be the #1 user on every BBS you call? $N: 0: $Y: 4: An addict will often make blatant public displays of their dysfunctionality. $Q43: Have you had to install yet another phone line into the house, because $Q35: no one can reach you due to the busy signals? $N: 0: $Y: 2: $Q44: Do you know how to disabled "Call Waiting" so as not to have petty $Q35: voice calls interfere with your BBS connections? $N: 0: $Y: 2: There's that messed up sense of priorities again! $Q45: Have you ever put a BBS on automatic re-dial, and waiting hours to get on? $N: 0: $Y: 3: $Q46: ...and then suddenly be struck with an urgent need to visit the bathroom $Q35: just as the word "CONNECT" appears on your screen? $N: 0: $Y: 2: $Q47: Do you make it a point to call a SYSOP whose BBS is down, even if it is $Q35: 4:00 A.M.? $N: 0: $Y: 3: Willingness to inconvenience others in the persuit of one's addiction is $Y: common and destructive to relationships. $Q48: Do you have 9 zillion copies of your communications program...just in $Q35: case any of the crashes? $N: 0: $Y: 3: $Q49: Do you page the SYSOP for a chat, even though the message "SYSOP is $Q35: unavailable" keeps appearing, because you think that s/he might see your $Q35: page and answer anyway? $N: 0: $Y: 4: Desperation is not a good sign. $Q50: Do SYSOPs hate you and wish that lightning would fry your modem? $N: 0: $Y: 2: $Q51: Do you run to your computer in the morning to see what is happening in $Q35: BBS-land, even before you have completed your morning toilet? $N: 0: $Y: 3: Denial of personal needs in deference to practicing one's addiction is $Y: a sign of a really dysfunctional individual. $Q52: Are you late for work/school because you insist on answering all 235 net $Q35: mail messages you've received overnight...all with one word replies? $N: 0: $Y: 3: $Q53: Have you forgotten how to turn on your TV because it's been so long since $Q35: you watched it? $N: 0: $Y: 1: $Q54: Do you still own a TV? $N: 3: A possible sign of addiction, but still not a bad idea! $Y: 0: You may not be a BBS addict, but that TV will probably rot your brain! $Q55: Have you ever found yourself talking on the phone at the same time that $Q35: you are in chat with someone on the computer? $N: 0: $Y: 3: $Q56: Have you ever found yourself chatting on the BBS and talking on the phone $Q35: with the same person? $N: 0: $Y: 5: You appear to have an exceesive need for "bandwidth." $Q57: Are you a SYSOP? $N: 0: $Y: 10: The ULTIMATE BBS addict! You are in DEEP trouble! $Q58: As a sysop, have you had to go out and buy another computer because $Q35: otherwise noone would be able to reach your BBS anyway? $N: 0: $Y: 10: Deeper and deeper... $Q59: Do you ever call your own BBS? $N: 0: $Y: 5: ...and deeper still... $Q60: Do you call your own BBS from another computer while siiting in the $Q35: same house. $N: 0: $Y: 5: $Q61: Do you ever call your BBS from another computer while sitting in the $Q35: same room? $N: 0: $Y: 7: You have a SERIOUS problem. $Q62: Do you advertise your BBS in the local newspaper classified sections? $N: 0: $Y: 2: $Q63: Do you advertise your BBS on business cards? $N: 0: $Y: 3: $Q64: Are you a co-SYSOP on any other BBSs? $N: 0: $Y: 3: A real glutton for punishment, eh? $Q65: Are you a co-SYSOP on any out-of-state BBSs? $N: 0: $Y: 4: Lots of punishement, at you're willing to PAY for it!? $Q66: Have you been a SYSOP for more than 6 months? $N: 0: There is still hope... $Y: 5: Things look glum, but you may recover quickly... $Q67: Have you been a SYSOP for more than a year? $N: 0: $Y: 7: Things are looking very dark indeed... $Q68: Have you been a SYSOP for more than 3 years? $N: 0: $Y: 10: You are a lost soul... $Q69: As a SYSOP, do you enjoy chatting with users so much that you have been $Q35: known to answer the page at 3AM? $N: 0: $Y: 5: Oh my. Oh my, oh my, oh my! $Q70: Do you drag unsuspecting users into chat..whether they paged you or not? $N: 0: $Y: 5: Being an addict is bad enough...trying to create new ones is reprehensible! $Q71: Have you ever started a late-night chat with a user, and the next thing $Q35: you know, the sun is rising? $N: 0: $Y: 8: There's that lack of contact with reality again... $Q72: VARIATION: have you ever started a late-night chat with a user, and the $Q35: next thing you know you are face down on your keyboard, with the words "press $Q35: any key to continue" flashing on your screen? $N: 0: $Y: 10: Reality? What's that? $Q73: Do you upload copies of a log-on script to all the BBSs in your area so $Q35: that no-one has any excuse not to log on to your BBS? $N: 0: $Y: 5: $Q74: Do you promise your spouse that you WILL spend more time with the $Q35: family, but then find yourself jumping up to answer the SYSOP page, even $Q35: in the middle of that special video tape rented just for the two of you? $N: 0: $Y: 10: *OUCH* $Q75: Do you still HAVE a spouse? $N: 10: well, you sure blew that one. $Y: 0: $Q76: After reading through all these questions, do you get the feeling that $Q35: you just MIGHT have a little problem with modem addiction? $N: 0: If you're taking this test, I doubt that...check yourself for self- $N:delusion. $Y: 10: $Q77: In spite of this knowledge, do you realize that you'll never make it $Q35: to any MA (Modems Anonymous) meetings, because you just can't pull yourself $Q35: away from the keyboard loong enough to attend? $N: 0: Uh huh. $Y: 10: well, at least your honest with yourself. $Q78: Do you find that more and more of the people you socialize with are $Q35: BBS addicts just like you, because no one else seems to understand ANYTHING $Q35: you are talking about anymore? $N: 0: $Y: 10: Birds of a feather, and all that... $END