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# Complaints about college

(originally named "Why ADHD sucks", before I got to the end and realized that
it was a totally inappropriate title.)

I'll try to ramble a little less here. The last one was a disaster. But ya know


First off read A27[1], it's basically how my typical school semester these days
goes. Yee.

So after A27 (which was written on May, the pictures took a bit longer) I had
a summer internship doing a research project for a space satellite. Actually I
was already working on that project during the semester, along with a part time
job doing Python scripting for a traffic crash research group. So um yeah my
schedule sucked.

The reason why I did all of that in one semester? *Holy hell I need money*. I'm
sorry, but my parents can't just *provide* $20000 a year for my education. I'm
so far in the hole in debt right now. Got debt down to my elbows. It's not
unmanagable yet (it's about the price of a fancy car tbh) but also it has me
wondering how much I *really* need this for. I mean all I *need* is somewhere
stable to live, food on the table, a bus pass/bicycle, some friends to chill
with, and an internet connection. Do I *necessarily* need to become this
fantastic electrical engineer just to *live*? What would I even do with $80K/yr?
Would I even *get* 80K/yr?

...sorry got incredibly off topic there. So yeah the summer came and I got on
ADHD medication for the first time. Woo. Certainly made me do better at the
internship. Problem was that *the particular medication I had* also made me
hideously depressed. And I didn't realize until the end of the summer. So, um,
I'd go home and just sorta flop on the floor until I starved enough to get back
up and slam some food together. On the weekends I had literally no interest in
anything besides... actually I don't even remember. I remember once checking
out Kiki's Delivery Service from the library, and that was like a super duper
big event for me. So um yeah.

Semester started, I was doing fine at school and I was super excited to start
again but then I just sorta got hit with a wave of awful again. So I switched
medications. VERY VERY BAD IDEA. I went from miserable but managing to not
miserable but dropping the ball on everything because the new medication just
didn't work as effectively. I could barely manage the workload of this last
semester just because it was *so much crap* between the job again and the
research again and the classes again. I ended up having to withdraw from a class
just to keep my sanity.

Now that that's over and exams are done and such... *holy hell i have time and
space to breathe*. I can just... lay down and watch a movie... AND NOT FEEL
GUILT. None of this "ugh but i really gotta do this homework or study for that
test" or whatever. I can just *live*.

I find I flourish best with set hours with set expectations. Go here, do this
task for a bit, go home, chillax. Play some Tetris Attack, watch some YouTube,
IDC. I *cannot* do college. I can't handle classes at weird hours and constant
homework with no hope of getting timely help. When I'm overwhelmed it's like my
brain actually tries to protect me from being hurt more by forcing me to take
a break but I *can't* because if I do it'll hurt me even more.

I guess it's no wonder I started a tilde server the moment school let up. No
wonder Thanksgiving break actually put the spring in my step again.

The real question here is how do I get a stable, comfortable life doing things I
enjoy and am genuinely good at without going through the whole college system?
Because I'm *so* burnt out. I've actually planned to just *not take classes*
next semester and *just* work. Try and regain my passion for my degree, learn
healthy study habits besides 11 PM panic sessions (which, fun fact, deadlines
and missing class don't scare me anymore, so now I can't rely on that for
motivation. woo~) and just kinda try to get my head back on straight.

Ya know, I named this "why ADHD sucks". It really isn't that bad at all. I do
well, just not under the school environment. Or at doing things like looking
for internships (if ya need an electrical engineer who specializes in embedded
design and knows Verilog *hit me up*) or checking the mail on a regular basis.

I guess the real enemy here is the world, for being cruel and unforgiving for
wanting anything more than the minimum amound of time and effort you can have
to yourself. Or maybe I should be blaming capitalism. I've been doing that a
lot, and for very good reason. Why can't we just work together and share the
fruits of our labours instead of holing everybody up into isloated little houses
in isolated little suburbs and making everyone pay for things like
transportation or lawnmowers or music or whatever. All seems silly to me.

I suppose, like, the *dream living environment* for me would be some sort of
cuddly commune. Bunch of found family, *possibly* lesbian and poly, all sharing
responsibilities and resources and such. Nobody's ever lonely unless they want
to be, there's more than enough income coming in to provide for someone if they
just *can't*. Plus cuddles. I like cuddles. I'm starved of physical contact, I
need more cuddles in my life.

I think I've done enough rambling for today. I don't know if I'll keep these up.
They're *kinda* personal and revealing? I swear I'm a decent person.

[1] https://invisibleup.com/articles/27/