💾 Archived View for midnight.pub › posts › 758 captured on 2022-06-11 at 21:48:22. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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I hate emotions. I hate that they don't make sense. This is conflicting because I'm a romantic through and through, but people aren't as transparent as words are. And sometimes the words they say isn't what they mean. It's confusing. I hate being confused. I hate my own feelings the most. I've lived my life categorizing people's words, body movements and silence just so I can form replies. My life is just forming a reply. And it works. Everything works when things are transparent and uncomplicated and under control but I don't have control of anything. And that makes me feel angry. Which is not an emotion I've ever felt. Anger is the most irrational to me, I've refused to feel angry over and over because I seemed to not have it in me, I get terrified of anger when somebody is wearing it but recently I've been angry. All I can think about is how angry I am. And it's physically painful. I hate emotions and myself for feeling them.
Feeling real anger for the first time has thrown me for a loop. In all this irrational anger and confusion though, I feel somewhat comforted by the fact that I can feel so much. It's frustrating that I don't understand it because I want to understand everything, but it's feeling has taught not everything is meant to be understood. I am not worried about staying kind or continuing that cycle of abuse that I've always been on the receiving end of. Cycles don't have to continue. That's one thing I can control. Not putting others through what I've been through. What does worry me is that since I spend so much time trying to understand other people's feelings I forget myself. Completely nonexistent unless somebody else perceives me. And that catches up to me and really, really makes everything hurt. Many things make me feel like a freak but feeling emotions has started to make me feel more human. I struggle with feeling out of my body a lot and I wish I didn't hold on to real things because sometimes emotions are the only thing that feels real. But real is good. Real is what I need. So I'm just trying to let myself feel and be okay with not understanding why.
if you feel its too much and want to exhaust your emotions, daily strenuous exercise is a great option. You mind goes numb to fight through the pain, and in the end you feel a great sense of calm and satisfaction that you can take with you for the rest of your day. It quiets the restlessness, and lessens the paranoia.
Exercise out of love though, not out of hatred because (insert Yoda quote here) then each session becomes a victory against the world, and you will grow to hate others who you will then deem inferior as the narcissism sets in (I talk from experience). Do a daily exercise hobby that sparks a little joy, or a little pride but not at the expense of others; a small walk after dinner to a high viewing spot, cycling to/from work or school, sprinting stairs.
Anything to quiet the animal inside your brain in a healthy constructive way.