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Dick Grote
August 17, 2015
There s no shortage of advice about how to react to negative feedback. Whether
the critic is a boss or a co-worker, the same familiar guidance is consistently
presented: Listen carefully, don t get defensive, ask for time.
There s nothing wrong with these three suggestions, of course. But at the
moment when an unhappy colleague is telling you loudly that the project plan
you created left out some obvious key components, or your boss is taking you to
task for the stumbles you made in running an important meeting, it s hard to
recall these valid pointers, move them to the front of your mind, and actually
act on them.
Here s the point: unless you have spent a little time in advance thinking about
what you ll do the next time that fairly or foully someone delivers some
unexpected criticism, all the good advice you ve heard about how to react won t
come immediately to mind. Unprepared, you re likely to be so caught up in the
immediacy of the moment that you won t remember these three simple, familiar
prescriptions that allow us to keep control and to master (or at least, defuse)
the situation. So they bear repeating, and thinking through now so you ll be
prepared in the heat of the moment.
1. Listen carefully. First, there s no question that not interrupting and
listening carefully is the right thing to do when you re getting negative
feedback. That s familiar counsel. What s often left undiscussed is the
question of what, exactly, is it that you should be listening for?
There are several good reasons to remain silent when you re on the receiving
end of negative feedback. Of course, you want to understand exactly what the
criticism is before you react to it. But you need to be listening for other
things, too.
First, is what s being said fact or opinion? That you didn t include some
components in your project plan is a fact. That you ran a meeting poorly is an
opinion. Both may be accurate, but sorting out facts from opinion while you re
listening will make it easier for you to respond effectively.
Next, is it accurate? Distinguish the accuracy of the feedback from the quality
of its presentation. Few people are skilled at presenting criticism in a way
that makes the recipient feel comfortable accepting what s being said as
worthwhile information and learning from it. I often hear, It wasn t what she
said, it was the way she said it. OK, the way she said it was harsh and
callous and insensitive. But is she right? Even though negative feedback may be
badly delivered, it may be accurate.
What s the intent? What s the motive? If the person who s giving you feedback
is someone who s usually trustworthy and reliable, this is feedback you ll want
to pay close attention to. If the individual is egotistical, or is into
one-upmanship, or has a tendency to dramatize, you should still be professional
and listen to what s being said. But consider the source, and take it with a
grain of salt.
2. Don t get defensive. When the other person s criticisms seem inaccurate,
ill-informed, petty, irrational, or just plain weird, it s easy to become
defensive. Even when your criticizer is factually wrong, the response You re
wrong! won t ever be helpful. Not even if you can prove it.
It s in our nature to listen defensively. As the other individual is giving us
a dose of negative feedback, we tend to listen not to understand what s being
said, but to spot distortions or inaccuracies or faulty conclusions. We listen
so that we can refute errors or justify our actions or prove the other
individual wrong.
But even if the negative feedback we re getting is demonstrably wrong, it s not
in our best interest to immediately try to prove it. Try to prove someone wrong
and we become argumentative. We re close-minded to the useful information that
may be hidden in the poorly presented feedback.
The key is to listen to the other person without planning our reply. Simply
nodding until the other person has completely finished will make sure that your
counterpart has said everything intended.
Asking questions helps eliminate the appearance of defensiveness and keeps us
from immediately jumping in to justify our actions. Ask, I want to be sure I
understand what you re saying. Do I have it right that you feel . . . That
question can help the other individual communicate clearly whatever his or her
core message may be. Asking for examples may help you gain useful insights that
are buried in the unconstructive message.
3. Ask for time. Unless the negative feedback concerns something that is
right-on-the-spot fixable, it s good to ask for time to consider what your
informant has told you. This provides several benefits. It defuses the
immediate situation. It tells the other person that you consider their feedback
important enough that you want to consider it carefully and calmly. And it
allows you to think through the accuracy of what you ve been told, perhaps
testing its validity with others.
Saying something like, I appreciate your feedback. I d like to give what you
ve said some real thought and get back to you, and then adding, Is there
anything else I should know? will demonstrate that you take what you ve been
told seriously and will ensure that there s been nothing left unsaid.
Asking for time also helps defuse the emotional load. Say, This is important.
I want to talk with you about what you ve told me, but right now I m overloaded
/distracted/feeling defensive. Can we get back together tomorrow morning?
In that following conversation, whatever explanations or defenses you offer
will be more carefully considered than if they were blurted out right after the
negative message was received. Once the other party feels heard and understood,
it s much more likely that the criticism will be put in perspective by both
giver and receiver. Once you fully understand the negative feedback that s been
delivered, it may be appropriate to offer an apology.
But then, close it off. Don t over-apologize. Apologize once if necessary,
sincerely and maturely. Remember that criticism and negative feedback are a
fact of life. Learn from your mistakes, and move on.
Dick Grote is a management consultant in Dallas, Texas, and the author of How
to Be Good at Performance Appraisals, published by the Harvard Business Review
Press.