💾 Archived View for juhi.e-worm.club captured on 2022-06-11 at 20:42:15. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
⬅️ Previous capture (2022-06-03)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
feeling a little saddened by the fact that the last time I wormed was almost a month ago. many things have happened since then, so many things, but did they really happen if I didn't worm about them? "overextended," I keep saying to myself and to the world, but I must be some sort of fool if I've been saying that for 11 years...
sitting in my bed at 5:25pm on a sunday evening, with a laundry list of things to do despite the fact that I am sick with a head cold and on something like an average of 3 hours of sleep a night for the last 11 days or so. oddly, I am still functioning, claudia says I have so much stamina, a 'four wheel drive.' I wonder when God will decide to end me once and for all, how long it will take of me treating my body like shit. I drink coconut water in vain to make myself feel like I care.
we've just returned from Santa Cruz (technically, Watsonville) where we spent the night for Bowen's birthday, at his dad's place. it was also Jason's birthday, Jason who technically shouldn't have a name on this blog, Jason who it feels strange to write about as a real person. even jasón feels more tangible... this blog really does feel like my alone place, but also a place so immediately public that its laughable I conceive of it as in any way my own. regardless, I guess I can just choose what I feel, for the most part, so if I pretend this is password-protected I guess it just is.
where to begin with the last four weeks? my immediate inclination is to open my iCal, and recount the events that transpired, on the road style, but I have been feeling more and more lately that that approach is lazy and unfulfilling, and I would rather choose what stands out, outside linearity, outside time. at breakfast with Aditi in Westwood, we discussed the dissolution of a chronological understanding of time, and what would that look like, to understand time as we know it as a Western construct, a tool of colonialism or capitalism, and not as some universal truth. they made me so happy in their stylish outfit, their limbs littered with arty tattoos, the way they asked for our table with grace, confidence, and ease. so different from the girl that I once knew, who shied from my parents, picked at our shaved ice with glazed eyes, could be so distant and dangerous that it pained me, literally, in the hallways of the Hyatt mccormick. strange that Jason got to meet them, my day one homie from the trenches, who still exists in a kind of melancholy or malaise that I have tried so hard to escape from, but that they inhabit with a solemn acceptance and maybe even a perverse joy. to remember that that is where I came from is sometimes jarring, but important. Aditi explained it as 'we were both really depressed in different ways, and it just kind of worked'...to remember the pain of those early days is deeply saddening, and when I am away from them it is easy to overlook or pretend that none of it ever happened. on the flip side, to remember is to also recognize that now is so much better, exactly how they always promised it would be—to be in control of my own life, happiness, and destiny; to be seen and appreciated for who I am; to be in community with others. it's like when you give birth and your brain just convinces yourself that it wasn't as painful as it actually was...the ability to self-soothe is really something...
all I think about these days is Jason, but somehow nothing comes to mind to write down. I guess it's all a little sideways, and nothing is really about him, obviously due to my shameless narcissism. at dinner I talked at him about my struggles with femininity for 30 minutes without once making eye contact, and later when I said I couldn't tell what his reaction was, he said 'you would have known if you were looking at me'...sometimes he is so smart, and I am so dumb...
I think my hesitance to write anything serious about him comes from my fairly predictable fear of attachment—to immortalize him in the annals of e-worm feels too vulnerable, too scary. but I said to him the other day that reciprocal attraction is maybe the most exhilarating thing in all of life itself, and if that is true then I would love to read our experience porn when it's all over and everything is burning. Jason said exhilarating sounded too exciting, but I said that that is exactly what I felt and what I meant. it's better than any high...
maybe there is also some other feeling that to describe or convey is to deaden its magic. maybe the thing exists only in the hammock at 4am, in the fake corner office eating snacks, at crossroads listening to the indigenous women sing. only at Topanga beach, leaning against my car parked outside the dubstep bbq, under the tree at sunset. when I think about the person I thought I was meeting at bar part time in mid-april, I could not have possibly foreseen such a multifaceted person, whose multiple facets somehow just fit into mine like a puzzle, not perfectly but close. maybe it makes me believe in magic, or god, certainly there is no AI that could predict such a thing, romance being so fickle and dependent on affect. to feel so good and happy is a true blessing, and I think of the lyric, as always, 'the sun will shine in my back door someday...'
I have been learning a lot about myself in the past month. at lightning in a bottle we came up in a sound bath where I thought deeply about my trauma around abandonment and trust and resolved to not make others pay for the failures of people from my past. I realized I have a lot of work to do to be perfect. romance can make things sticky and tricky in a way that friendships, luckily for me, are not. I talked to my therapist about getting better at asking for what I need (first step, identifying) without shame or fear. to believe that you deserve someone who will fulfill your needs...to believe that there is someone who would do such a thing is foreign to me. charese says, you were both punished for having needs and rewarded for not having them, so 'how would you even have the tools?' when I think about the ways in which my childhood differed significantly (negatively) from that of my friends, I feel a little ill. in episode 13 of my cognitively dissonant personality, all I ever wanted was to be normal...right?
Jason and I talked about how much of each other we know. is knowing someone about understanding the ways in which they interact with the world, based on their past experiences? or is it knowing their literal past experiences? in any case, we weren't there for any of them, so it's already a proxy, filtered. seems like knowing someone is about the first thing, and also it's pretty easy to get the first 50-60% (we did it in like, 6 weeks?) but then it gets harder and harder to top it off. and anyways, 100% is a fake number, since you keep changing...he doesn't know many things about me, still, which makes sense because we are still maybe strangers, sort of, (though I prefer lovers), but oddly I feel like he probably can see how those things have affected me anyway. but probably it will all make a lot more sense later, lol.
if only my early childhood development wasn't so fucked, maybe I would be smart and cool and well-adjusted. a girl can dream...
I am very excited for some much-needed alone time. I haven't had a second to think or process anything. I haven't been able to create a bank of memories of good times, interesting sensations, sweet compliments to draw from in times of daydream. it all is just go go go, all the time, until I die. Jon keeps saying I need to chill. thank god for him, a little jiminy cricket on my shoulder, always my best interests at heart.
it's so nice to be infatuated, but I have to say it makes me so much less productive. I feel like a hamster running on a wheel, except now there's just like a super hot smart interesting fun other hamster in the cage distracting me and I keep almost falling off the wheel cuz I keep looking at it and, like, wanting to fuck. and that other hamster literally just has endless energy and never goes to sleep, and so I never catch a break. maybe he can just be a hamster, Jason who...?
at the untz I kholed the last night and died, again, from the depravity of lifestyle, the substance sorbet, and felt so much comfort in my aloneness and independence and my ability to dissociate fully from any needs, if necessary; I feel confident that when I die next time, I will be OK ✅