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_____________________________ST JOHN KARP_____________________________
__________________Ramblings of an Ornamental Hermit___________________
or: Hell's Belles
2012-10-07
I don't often get the pleasure of discovering neglected books before anyone else. Most of the lost classics I find are either from the brilliant Neglected Books Page or are only neglected in the sense that I haven't heard of them even if everyone else has. This time I think I'm first in the door with "Ladies in Hades (A Story of Hell's Smart Set)"[^1].
Just what the hell is this book? Imagine all of history's temptresses and trollopes in Hell as if they were 1920s socialites and you'll be in the right ballpark. Cleopatra lights a scented cigarette, Helen of Troy has bobbed hair, and Satan wears a top-hat. Honestly, this is the classiest Hell you'll ever see. The book itself is a thinly veiled excuse to tell racy stories, turn history on its head, and fling out one-off witticisms for the sake of a cheeky joke. And really, what's wrong with that? The novel is a complete delight. By page two I knew I was hooked:
Women, as women, [Satan] said, no longer interested him, now that they had become so much like men. He found them entirely too sophisticated for ordinary, practical purposes and much preferred good honest demonesses of the Lilith type, who were content to enjoy normal, sensible things in a normal and sensible way. They might be a trifle old-fashioned in their methods but at least they did not try to convert you to their ideas regarding birth control, or show how much they loved you by putting arsenic in the soup.
As if the verbal wit weren't enough, the book is peppered with amazing illustrations of Julius Caesar smoking cigarettes and Lucrezia Borgia gussied up like a society vamp. Hell is apparently permeated with the twists and turns of the 1920s from art deco to prohibitionism. We have Gordon Ross to thank for the illustrations and Frederic Arnold Kummer to thank for the witty text. It was published in 1928 and, although I hadn't heard of Kummer before, he has a long list of credits in pulp magazines and silent films. This guy seems well worth a look-in. "Ladies in Hades" must have made a modest hit because two years later Kummer published a sequel called "Gentlemen in Hades", which doesn't have the same ring to it but which I have on order nevertheless.
Without further ado then, I have to present scans of the beautiful illustrations in this book. Deco and twentiesploitation fans, today is your lucky day.
"My parade up Main Street," said Phryne, "made Lady Godiva's performance almost respectable. She didn't have bobbed hair."
I shall certainly suppress them!
"If you ever attempt to make your insidious discussions public, I shall certainly suppress them!" said Satan.
Lilith was devoting her spare time to teaching Adam the art of making love.
"Ladies, ladies!" Eve pounded on the table. "Please do not interrupt."
"When Solomon told me," the Queen of Sheba resumed, "that every little wifie had a number all her own, I asked him if they all had his."
Hell is nothing if not respectable.
"Hell is nothing if not respectable," stormed Satan. "I am informed by Police Headquarters that you had a man in here the other night."
"Alexander the Great told me an amusing story about a Chicago man who blew in last week," said Phryne. "He thought Hell was Heaven."
"Wait a minute, darling," Herod exclaimed. "Since all you want is to get ahead, I will see that your wishes are gratified."
"My second husband was always dashing off somewhere and leaving me at home," said Lucrezia Borgia.
"You women," Satan exclaimed, "have the impudence to send a petition to the Throne about that girl Marie!"
Paris has a charming wife in Troy.
"Don't forget," remarked Menelaus, "that Paris has a charming wife in Troy."
"I shall do my best," said Helen, "to make him feel at home."
"On the way back," said Sappho, "I would recite Phaon a poem. He had to listen. Or else throw me overboard."
In the Garden of Eden, of course.
"Where would you men be, without women?" murmured Thais.
"In the Garden of Eden, of course," laughed Anatole France.
"And wishing," added Alexander Hamilton, "for someone to lead us astray."
When Julius unwrapped the bundle.
"When Julius unwrapped the bundle," murmured Cleopatra, "there I lay at his feet, tiger skin and all."
"Bobo, my darling!" cried Marie.
[^1]: Perhaps with the exception of a bizarre little blog called The Unknown History of MISANDRY, which posted what looks like the original cover plus some interesting quotes by Kummer from a 1928 interview. "Male exploitation is no longer the art it used to be... Twentieth century vampires could profit from the methods of famous sirens of history."
