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Unplastic News #10 F.O.P. July 1993
727 lines
"It's like a soup that's out there for three weeks, and you open it and these
maggots come out."
Bill Graham's criticism of the first Rock Music Awards
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Unplastic News Special Report
document of a cross-country journey june 2nd - 26th, 1993
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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
F R E A K S O N P A R A D E
or
H o w I S p e n t My S u m m e r V a c a t i o n
By Thaloneous Platypus, HqX
This is the first issue of
Unplastic News to Offer photos.
7 color & 1 Black and white.
If you would like to receive these
scans in e-mail (uuencoded JPEG)
then please mail our new address:
tt1@netcom.com
As always, BACK ISSUES are available:
gopher.eff.org / Instant Karma Zine Stand
redspread.css.itd.umich.edu in EFF.journals ++++
ftp.eff.org in pub/journals ++++
quartz.rutgers.edu in pub/journals ++++
===========================================================================
"Never explain, never apologise" - Dr Hunter S. Thompson.
==========================================================================
CONTENTS:
^^^^^^^^^
This issue is a rant by Thaloneous Platypus about his
recent trip across America. Below, the F.O.P. numbers
refur to the Freaks On Parade photo scans which are available
for viewing on your average computer thingie...
(e-mail for yours today)
While ranting, Thaloneous was viewing the pictures listed below.
F.O.P. #1: Funky Sanduski Parking Lot
F.O.P. #2: Hip Chicks Hangin' On The Corner
F.O.P. #3: Video Arcade Photo Booth Squish
F.O.P. #4: Sunny Do-nothing Day In Grant Park by L.S. Drive
F.O.P. #5: Moon Over Chicago
F.O.P. #6: Tattoos
F.O.P. #7: Visiting Jesus, Buddha, Krishna & Bozo on Rocky Mtn.
F.O.P. #8: Highest Point Of the Journey
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
..if you really stop to think about it, Bambi is a parable of sexism,
nihilism, and despair, portraying absentee fathers and passive mothers
in a world of death and violence.
-- Roger Ebert
=======================================================================
"I desire the Poles carnally"
President Jimmy Carter's mistranslation in a 1977 speech in Poland
========================================================================
( the following was transcribed from T.P.'s cassette recordings
made during a friends three-day divorce ceremony in Aruba . - tt )
Hello...pssssttt
Is this thing on? Are we recording?
Can I get some more of that pate?
Folks, for humanity's sake I have
scanned-in eight photographs for delivery through e-mail.
Ten more rolls of film have yet to be developed, so be
warned of a possible addendum to this set at a later date.
Thanks, Gertrude...[mumbles something about manifest destiny ]
I will describe to you in detail these first eight photographs
and contemplate our debauchery. Expect an outrageously explicit version
soon to be released by Random Spouse Publishers. It will
be titled: Trustafarians, Buttocks and The Art Trauma: My Time
Among The Damned - An Unauthorized Autobiography by
Thaloneous Platypus.
[sound of microphone being muffled by hand]
...well, you tell him to ride his own god damn [static]...
But, enough of my yakin'. Let's Boogie.
===================================================================
"My feelings toward Christ are that he was a bloody good bloke, even though he
wasn't as funny as Margaret Thatcher."
Terry Jones, Director of Life of Brian
====================================================================
THE JOURNEY
^^^^^^^^^^^^
START POINT: Rocky Hill, CT
END POINT: San Francisco, CA
VIA: New York, NY
Bloomsburg, PA
Sanduski, OH
Gary, IN
Chicago, IL
Des Moines, IA
Omaha, NB
Boulder, CO
Albuquerque, NM
Flagstaff, AZ
Los Angeles, CA
TOTAL MILES: 4,250
TIME: 25 Days
CREW: Debbie KillamanjarO
Kristina VonKajay-be
Thaloneous Platypus
Todd Tibbetts (who came along as Thaloneous' photo
stunt double and appears in place of
Thaloneous in the photos because, for
one reason or another, Thaloneous just
can't seem to get the hang of showing up
on film.)
VEHICLE:1982 Olds Cutlass Cruiser Station Wagon
authentic faux-wood paneling
loaded with pieces snatched and packed last minute
retrofitted with the Wall-O-Sound ( two house speakers
and a kickin' deck )
==================================================================
From time to time I have heard about unusual business
combinations such as a Funeral Parlor and Furniture Store.
Recently I was told of one that really got to me. It was a
combined Veterinarian and Taxidermist business with the
motto: "Either Way You Get Your Dog Back".
Source is NPR's Car Talk.
==================================================================
"Yes, we plot no less than the destruction of the West. Just the other
day a friend and I came up with the most pernicious academic scheme to
date for toppling the West: He will kneel behind the West on all fours.
I will push it backwards over him."
-- Michael Berube
...but we beat them to it
First, I must apologize for the scan quality. I had to scan
at a local under-equipped service bureau that reeked of
chicken pot pies and had a faulty heater which whined.
F.O.P. #1: Funky Sanduski Parking Lot
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
After the mad dash from NY to OH, it was getting to be sun-up.
We parked the big green buggy and got a hotel to crash in till noon.
When we woke, we sped directly to Cedar Point Amusement Park
and had a little mushroom pizza for breakfast. The park went on forever.
Deb discovered and named the "The Disposable Masses". Those were
the MTV Pepsi Nike kids who all seemed to look exactly the same.
Deb noticed the absence of The Art Tragedy Crowd which she is all too
familiar with in NYC -- ( those poor sad cats in all black who are also
black on the inside because life isn't fair. )
We rode every coaster (twice we rode the one we named
Disco-Coaster) and then it began to rain so we hit the
IMAX 7-story theater and rode out the last hours of daylight
watching a Spielburg-esque ditty called Flying. We deemed it
an appropriate film.
In the parking lot, I changed my clothes and checked under the hood
(of the car). Little did I know that we were being watched by Ed & Edna
who were parked in a car near us. They asked us over for a fat joint and
Ed kept dropping ash on his sunburned pot belly.
Edna asked, "Wannabeer?"
"We jist been gowin' into the park n' ridin' then comin' out here n'
burnin' up a fatty n' drinkina beer.." said Ed, "..say, you needa beer?"
They kept trying to push beers on us. We told them we had to drive
to Chicago before we fell asleep so no thanks. Then we drove
to Chicago before we fell asleep.
===========================================================================
"We're still the only ones true to the original aims of punk. Those other bands
should be destroyed."
Mick Jones of the Clash
===============================================================================
"Equal Rights were created for everyone."
contesant in 1990 Mr. New Jersey Male pageant
=======================================================
Damn, I look good with guns.
Ted Nugent
=============================
F.O.P. #2: Hip Chicks Hangin' On The Corner
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
The days in Chicago were filled with sun. Laying around in it,
telling stories, was our biggest priority. Met a guy in the park who
was trying to learn English so he asked us to explain to him a phrase
from a high-brow Jungian philosophy text he was reading. When he
heard I was going to San Francisco he told me I should get into
the cappuccino business because it was booming.
The nights were full of booze, obnoxious music and natural oils
from The Body Shop.
I said to my pal Kristina, "Hey, why don't you quit your job and
drive with me like two bats out of Hades toward the western lands?"
She said, "OK."
==============================================================================
"Rock music is the most brutal, ugly, vicious form of expression...sly, lewd -
in plain fact, dirty...rancid-smelling aphrodisiac...martial music of every
delinquent on the face of the earth."
Frank Sinatra, Oct.29, 1957
==============================================================================
>From the Boston Herald, 5/6/93:
Portland, OR - A would be William Tell trying to shoot a fuel
can off his friend's head missed his mark, and shot him through the
head. Neurosurgeons say it's a miracle the victim survived with no
brain damage.
During a drinking bout of a group called Mountain Men Anonymous in
Grants Pass, Michael Kennedy fired the arrow as Anthony Roberts, 25,
stood by a tree with the can on his head. It went into Robert's right
eye and 8 to 10 inches into his brain, but missed all the major
arteries.
Paramedics saved Robert's life by restraining him when he tried to pull
the arrow out himself in the helicopter on the way to the hospital.
Surgeons removed it by drilling a larger hole around the tip at the
skull's back and pulling it through.
======================================================================
F.O.P. #3: Video Arcade Photo Booth Squish
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
We stopped at a one-hour photo place and, while we waited, went next
door to play pinball. They had one of those nifty photo booths. We
squished into it and acted like a cackle of dunces.
We had to leave because all the men in the arcade (and believe me,
there are a great deal of interesting men in Chicago arcades in the
late afternoon on a Sunday) wanted to get close to my pals.
Kris tilted. I matched and Deb got some multi-balls.
============================================================================
Make things as simple as possible, but no simpler. - Albert Einstein
===========================================================================
E. Frenkel, a Soviet "psychic healer and mentalist," felt he had
gathered the "psychic-biological power" to stop a speeding train,
so he stepped
in
front of one to prove it.
"First I stopped a bicycle, cars, and a streetcar," wrote Frenkel.
"Now I'm going to stop a train. Only in extraordinary conditions of a direct
threat to my organism will all my reserves be called into action."
Frenkel jumped in front of a train near the city of Astrakhan "with his
arms raised, his head lowered, and his body tensed."
The train ran over and killed him.
- Newsday
=========================================================================
F.O.P. #4: Sunny Do-Nothing Day In Grant Park By Lake Shore Drive
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Not much to say.
Another day in the Chicago sun.
Body Shop Pure Watermelon Natural Sun Block, Snapple, a firm
wooden pipe, a blanket and lots of dancing clouds.
=========================================================================
Rescuers tried but failed to save the life of 39-year-old Kenneth
Thorne, who suffered a heart attack at his home in Quincy, MA.
Thorne weighed between 700 and 750 pounds.
The _Patriot_Ledger_ of Quincy reported that paramedics "found Thorne
wedged inside a small bathroom, unconscious and not breathing." When
Thorne wouldn't fit in the ambulance, police called Tino's Gulf for a
flatbed-style tow truck. Thorne rode to the hospital strapped to the bed
of the tow truck, but arrived too late.
"He was a very large man," said Tino Vitali, owner of Tino's Gulf.
========================================================================
The bombing of the World Trade Center destroyed a 54-by-8-foot mural by
Cynthia Mailman that was on the wall of the building's commuter train
station. The loss wasn't the artist's first. In 1978, she was delivering
a large portrait of God as a naked woman when it flew off the roof of her
van on an expressway and was run over by a car. In 1980, an outdoor mural
she had painted three years earlier was bricked over. In 1981, she was
storing all her work in an empty house in her neighborhood. The building
caught fire, and all but one piece of art was destroyed. "I used to think
that everything else dies and art alone exists forever," Mailman said,
"but it isn't true."
The Montgomery Express/North, 4/21/93
========================================================================
F.O.P. #5: Moon Over Chicago
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
A picture to remember our crazy youth by. I set the camera on this
big metal thing in an ally.
DEB: "Do you think you should put the camera on that big metal thing?"
ME: "Why?"
KRIS: "Because it says, 'DANGER: 10,000 volts."
ME: "Aw Hell. That's just there to scare you.
Don't believe everything you read."
I set the timer and it popped. We weren't really ready for the picture
and the flash caught us with our pants down, but we couldn't
take another photo because a tremendous flash of power ripped out
of the big metal thing and knocked us unconscious.
==============================================================================
The "I'm not homeless! I'm in transit!" List
or
8 Things To Avoid While Going Cross Country
#8-- going on skis
#7-- regardless of how much you think you are going to like
it, you will wish, at least two-thirds of the way
through the trip that you brought more than that
one tape of ukelele music.
#6-- attempting to pick-up road kill from all 48 contiguous
states.
#5-- re-enacting Evil Kanevals rocket sled stunt over the
grand canyon (but with your 82 olds station wagon)
#4--Thinking the car is in forward when it is really
in reverse while you are pulling out of a biker bar.
#3-- Falling for that damn Gasoline from water and
pills scam.
#2-- Forgetting your bottled human Adrenalin Gland
#1-- Two words: Fog Machine
=====================================================================
F.O.P. #6: Tattoos
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
We put Deb on an airplane back to NYC because she had to work...
which by that point was a very foreign concept to me.
Kris said, "Let's get tattoos and hit the road."
It began to downpour as we headed to the Chicago Public Library.
We were researching designs for the body modification ceremony.
Kris said I should be the one to go first. I sat in the chair,
signed the
form, gave him my design and he began to grind black ink into
my skin with a vibrating needle. Strangely erotic and overly bloody.
I now have a modified Torrii on my arm. It's a symbol pilfered from
the Shinto. It is a spiritual portal derived from two Japanese symbols
meaning bird and perch. Sailors think it's good luck if they can sail
their boat through the harbor Torriis. The vertical pillars represent
the sky and the horizontal, the earth. Now I got a bunch of pesky
demons flying in and out of my arm!
I told Kris she would have no problem with the pain if she had ever
survived a dentist. What I didn't know is that the place she got
hers is one of the most tender on the body. (lower back above the
buttock) She bit into a towel and almost fainted.
Now she has a tiny blue dolphin jumping on her back. The artist did
a good job with a few shades of blue. When she wears her bikini, it
looks like the dolphin is diving out of her bottoms.
Freedom. Intelligence.
The scan came out horrible so you can't see her's at all really.
>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >Over the years I've heard most of the excuses at post-match interviews
>> >but the one by Zambian tennis player Lighton Ndefwayl after a defeat by
>> >countryman Musumba Bwayla takes the cake.
>>
>> >Said Lighton: "Bwalya is stupid and a hopeless tennis player. He has a
>> >huge nose and is cross-eyed. He beat me because my jock strap was too
>> >tight and when he serves he passes gas and I lose my concentration for
>> >which I am famous throughout Zambia."
>> -----------------------------------------------------------------------
In a _Toronto_Star_ column, Peter V. MacDonald shared these examples of
questions asked by lawyers during courtroom proceedings:
"And how old a woman are you, sir?"
"Now isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases
he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next
morning?"
"Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?"
"And the youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?"
"Were you alone or by yourself?"
"Were you present in the courtroom this morning when you were sworn in?"
"How many times have you committed suicide?"
============================================================================
F.O.P. #7: Visiting Jesus, Buddha, Krishna & Bozo On The Rocky Mountains
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This trip rebooted my mind. On top of the mountain, we got real
close to the super funky disco deity! That goddess of truth, light
and inexpensive parking! That lord of coolness. We were at a point
where we couldn't remember what day it was and didn't really care.
The thin air, hot sun and cool snow cured our ills. We lived the second.
We also met the Trustafarians. Young men & women, all-white, with
dreadlocks, nose rings and a trust fund. America at it's best!
============================================================================
Q: Did you know that Ranch Apocalypse had an Internet connection?
A: Yes, and Koresh's last news post started: "Feel free to flame me, but..."
==========================================================================
"Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea --
massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a
source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect
it." --spaf (1992)
=========================================================================
From the March '93 "Yankee" magazine:
A prisoner at Boston's Deer Island House of Corrections
wrapped himself in a white sheet and climbed onto the
prison roof, refusing to come down until someone named
all six children on "The Brady Bunch."
Five hours later, guards were still scratching their heads.
Disgusted, the prisoner descended and requested a transfer
"to anywhere."
==========================================================================
F.O.P. #8: Highest Point Of The Journey
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Another view from the top of the mountain. Again the scans are bad,
but you get the idea. Sun & snow & thin air. The altitude enhances
intoxicants. One beer is like drinking a six pack.
One joint is like an oz.
==============================================================================
More to come...as if words could even begin to describe the liberation & ecstasy...
tp
WILD thanks to:
Glen Kretmar OEM Contract Specialist <gkretmar@us.oracle.com>
Keith Bostic <bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU>
B. Hathrum Duk (who manned cyber-central from a grassy knoll in Phoenix)
Javier Machado from ConRail Corporation <jmachado@pacs.pha.pa.us>
jesse@netcom.com (Jesse Montrose)
the guy who makes my coffee at the greek place on the corner in the morning
beverly, ah...too be free like she and her kisses hot
ok...one more news item....
=========================================================================
Subject: Fractured English, banjo dept.
From: Rich Stillman x6135 <RSTILLMAN@HBS.HBS.HARVARD.EDU>
I came across the following example of the advertiser's craft on a label
pasted to the inside of an instrument at the local antique instrument
shop. The instrument claims to be a banjo, although it looks more like
the unfortunate result of a collision between a mountain dulcimer and a
typewriter. The instrument is all wood, finished in black paint and has
"Japan Music" written in gilt on the outside. My best guess is that it
was made sometime between 1920 and 1960. It has seven strings, six of
which are identical and cover a >total< of about an inch of width. There
are a number of typewriter-style keys with labels like "5#" which, when
struck, hit all seven strings simultaneously and produce a sound very much
like dropping a bowling ball in a piano, only much quieter. The instrument
has thus far defied all attempts to tune or play it. The greatest
entertainment has come from reading the label inside the soundhole. I
reproduce it here with every spelling error and comma in place. The
address at the bottom is legitimate, in case you decide you want to order
your own.
Special Quality Banjo
Best quality of excellent material, assured,
most attractive latest design, will finished,
matchlessly beautiful, sweetness tunes unique,
most, carefully inspected, minutely tested and
easiest of all the musical instruments to learn
and to play upon Peerlessly harmonious specially
suitable for Cinema tunes, English Indian Modern,
Oriental Ballads lyrics, and all types of melodies
can be enjoyed upon this Banjo.
LAXMI TON MUSICAL HOUSE
190, Khetwadi, 12 Lane
BOMBAY 4.
Of course, I have no connection with the above company, except as a
satisfied customer. ;-)
Now that's a banjo! If I could only find me some English Indian Modern
tablature...
========================================================================
real art is soooo cool