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\___\ O / O O \ by Gross Genitalia O ||
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|| O / O O/ Toxic File #67 O ||
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.:::. oxic 615.552.5747 :::...::: hock
::::: HQ of Toxic Shock/40 megs/Lotsa files :::::::
[Taken from "Don't Panic: The Official Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Companion" by Neil Gaiman and adapted for file use.]
You have been carefully selected as a totally random member of the Human
Race. This file is for you. Before you read it:
1) Find a stout chair.
2) Sit on it.
This file has been spontaneously generated by the PASSING ACQUAINTANCES OF
THE EARTH computer. It will appear in this file section when the computer
judges that the Earth has passed the P.O.S.T.O.S.E.H. (Possibility of
Sorting Things Out Sensibly Event Horizon)
If you have this file you may assume that the crucial point has now been
passed, and that you are one of those chosen to be the future of the Human
Race.
The following instructions are for you:
Leave the planet as quickly as possible.
Do not procrastinate.
Do not panic.
Do not take the "Whole Earth Catalog".
HOW TO LEAVE THE PLANET:
1) Phone NASA (tel. 713 483 0123). Explain that it's very important that you
get away as quickly as possible.
2) If they do not cooperate, then try to get someone at the White House
(tel. 202 456 1414) to bring some pressure to bear on them.
3) If you don't get any joy out of them, phone the Kremlin (tel. 095 295 9051)
and ask them to bring a little pressure to bear on the White House on your
behalf.
4) If that too fails, phone the Pope for guidance (tel. 396 6982).
5) If all these attempts fail, flag down a passing flying saucer and explain
that it's vitally important that you get away before your phone bill
arrives.
WHERE YOU SHOULD BE HEADING
Where everyone else in the Galaxy is heading. Stay in the swim, hang out in
bars, keep your ear to the sub-etha. Send all information home on postcards
for the benefit of the next wave of Earth emigrants. Current information says
that everyone else in the Galaxy is heading for a small planet in Galactic
Sector JPG71248. It is clearly the most wonderfully trendy zillion tons of
hunky rock in the known sky.
WHAT YOUR TRAVELS WILL BE LIKE
Difficult and unbelievably dangerous.
Space is notorious for having all sorts of terribly frightening things
happening in it, most of which are best dealt with by running away very fast.
You should therefore take with you:
1) A pair of strong running shoes. The most useful type are of outrageous
design and mind-mangling colours; experience has shown that if, while
strolling through the ancient swampworld of Slurmgurst you come unexpectedly
across an appalling alien monster with Lasero-Zap eyes, Swivel-Shear teeth,
several dozen tungsten-carbide Vast-Pain claws forged in the sun furnaces
of Zangrijad, and a terrible temper, it is in your immediate best interests
that the monster should be for a moment
a) startled, and
b) looking downwards.
2) A towel. Whilst the monster is temporarily confused by your footwear you
should wrap the towel round its head and strike it with a blunt instrument.
3) A blunt instrument (see above).
4) A green Eezi-Mind Anti-Guilt jacket or sweat shirt, for wearing after
incidents such as the above. Guilt is known to be an electromagnetic
wave-form which is reflected and diffused by the material from which these
shirts are made. Wearing them protects you from worrying about all sorts
of things, including your unpaid phone bill.
5) A pair of Joo Janta 200 Super Chromatic Peril-Sensitive Sunglasses. These
will help you to develop a relaxed attitude to danger. At the first hint
of trouble they turn totally black, thus preventing you from seeing anything
which might alarm you.
6) All the lyrics to any songs you like to sing whilst travelling. It is very
easy to make enemies by continually singing a song you don't know all the
words to, particularly on long space journeys.
7) A bottle of something. There are very few people in the Galaxy who won't
be more pleased to see you if you are carrying a bottle of something.
MEDICAL KIT:
In case of physical injury, press the buttons relating to A) part affected
and B) nature of injury simultaneously
_ _
[_] leg [_] broken
_ _
[_] arm [_] bruised
_ _
[_] head [_] wrenched off
_ _
[_] chest [_] mauled by Algolian suntiger
_ _
[_] other [_] insulted
This file will instantly exude appropriate waves of sympathy and understanding.
REASSURANCE PANEL
In case of doubt, confusion, or alarm, please touch this panel.
________________________
| |
| HI THERE |
|________________________|
At times of stress it is often reassuring to make physical contact with
friendly objects. This panel is your friend.
NB: On the assumption that nothing terrible is going to happen to the world
and everything's suddenly going to be alright really, all the advice in this
file may be safely ignored.
+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+
(C)untsmacked July 1, 1990 Gross Genitalia.
Adapted from "Don't Panic", Neil Gaiman, 1988.
Apply for Toxinship and The Work of Fetus at Centre of Eternity.