💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › magazines › PFP › funk6.txt captured on 2022-06-12 at 13:55:02.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
|----------------------------------------------------------------------------|
| ____ _ _____ _ ____ |
| | _ \ ___| |_ ___ _ __ | ___| _ _ __ | | __ | _ \ _ __ ___ ___ ___ |
| | |_) / _ \ __/ _ \ '__| | |_ | | | | '_ \| |/ / | |_) | '__/ _ \/ __/ __| |
| | __/ __/ || __/ | | _|| |_| | | | | < | __/| | | __/\__ \__ \ |
| |_| \___|\__\___|_| |_| \__,_|_| |_|_|\_\ |_| |_| \___||___/___/ |
|----------------------------------------------------------------------------|
| Vol 6 ********* Mid-August 94 |
|============================================================================|
HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT KIDNAPS FROG
Bowel Movement (PETER FUNK PRESS)
At Out-Herod High School, in Bowel Movement, North Carolina, a tenth
grade student named Eliot CrudeRot walked into his biology class carrying a
shotgun. His class had just begun a frog dissection lab, and when his
teacher Mr. Factotum asked him why he brought the shotgun into the class,
CrudeRot replied he feared the frog he dissected "will jump out of the
dissection pan and get me."
CrudeRot distrusted frogs. It originated from a tragic childhood
incident that occurred sometime during his boyhood. One day he put his pet
housefly Marlowe on a leash and took him for a walk beside a pond. Marlowe
loved the sight of water through his compound eyes. Unfortunately, CrudeRot
walked too close to the shore, and when Marlowe buzzed the bank a large
bullfrog swallowed him. The loss devastated CrudeRot. His parents tried to
give him other pet flies, but they could never replace his beloved Marlowe,
and he always opened the window and let them fly away.
Mr. Factotum assured CrudeRot the frog had pins stuck through all of
its appendages which would hold it in the dissection pan, but CrudeRot
said, "So what. They put chains on King Kong and look what happened." He
then walked over to his lab station, pointed the shotgun at the frog in the
dissection pan, and said, "I'm putting you under citizen's arrest."
He then carried the frog at gun point to the sheriff's office in Bowel
Movement, presented it to Officer Colossal Underpants, and demand he arrest
the frog. "On what charges?" asked Officer Underpants. CrudeRot said the
frog wanted to jump out of the dissection pan and get him. "I can't arrest
a frog on intentions. It has to jump out and get you before I can arrest
him." CrudeRot made the demand once more, and when Sheriff Underpants again
refused to arrest the frog, CrudeRot pointed the shotgun at him and said,
"I am putting you under citizen's arrest."
Officer Underpants quickly reminded CrudeRot that he no longer had
citizenship in this country. It seems he had a severe disagreement with the
present Administration, which refused to make him the king of Hawaii. In
protest to their decision, CrudeRot donated his citizenship to the
Salvation Army.
CrudeRot suddenly broke down in tears. "Why, why," he howled. "Why did
I give up my citizenship. Now, I can never serve on a jury and send traffic
violators to the electric chair... Jesus. H. Christ." As he wailed, Sheriff
Underpants slapped some handcuffs on him, charged him with kidnapping and
making unfounded accusations against a deceased amphibian.
After he locked up CrudeRot, Officer Underpants took the frog safely
back to the biology class at Autotoxemia High. There, Mr. Factotum
commended Officer Underpants for his bravery and said, "Your act of courage
deserves a medal," so he hung the Order of Herpetology around his neck.
1
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
JELL-O JELL-O, IS ANYONE IN THERE?
Autotoxemia (PETER FUNK PRESS)
This morning, Beauregard Vaudeville, an eleventh grade student at
Autotoxemia High in Autotoxemia, New York snuck a rocket propelled grenade
(RPG) launcher and four grenades past the school's metal detector. Although
the weapon and grenades set off the metal detector's alarm, Vaudeville told
the security guard they belonged to part of his science project.
He told the guard he wanted to find out if he could raise the pulse
and respiration rates of teachers by pointing a loaded grenade launcher at
them. The security guard, a graduate of Autotoxemia High, said, "Finally,
somebody is doing a worthwhile science project instead of some stupid thing
like germinating seeds. Go on in."
Vaudeville then walked into the school cafeteria where he held the
entire cafeteria staff hostage with the grenade launcher. He said he
wouldn't release them until the school's principal removed fruit filled
bowels of Jell-O from the cafeteria menu. He had a deep personal grudge
against the bowels of Jell-O, for they had turned down his repeated
marriage proposals.
Meanwhile, a janitor had alerted the police and they surrounded the
school building. The crisis ended abruptly, however, when police
negotiators tricked Vaudeville. They told him some Jell-O butterscotch
pudding had just asked them for his phone number. Vaudeville replied,
"Really," and as he set down the grenade launcher to write down his phone
number on a piece of paper the police handed him they grabbed him, beat the
crap out of him, and arrested him.
2
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
GUNFIGHT AT THE OK SCHOOLYARD
Washington (PETER FUNK PRESS)
Shocked by the recent news reports of gun violence in public school,
the National Rifle Association (NRA) demanded the revocation of all laws
and regulations preventing students from bringing guns into public schools.
In an interview with the _PETER FUNK PRESS_, NRA spokesman Jocko
Smoothbore said the NRA believes teachers and administrators cannot stand
by each student every minute of the day to protect them from the criminal
students and the growing violence in public schools. Therefore, law-abiding
students need to carry guns for their self-defense.
He said the regulations preventing law-abiding students from carrying
guns in school only promoted violence in school because the law-abiding
students have no way to protect themselves. In fact, he said society can
stop violence in public schools only if law-abiding students carry guns in
them and use them for self-defense. For instance, Smoothbore said if law-
abiding students could carry guns they would have shot the frog kidnapper
in Bowel Movement, NC and the obsessive Jell-O lover in Autotoxemia, NY.
Smoothbore gave the example of an experimental high school in Two Nice
Guys, Texas in which all students carry guns. Before the school board began
the gun reform, which allowed law-abiding students to carry guns, gangs of
armed cheerleaders roamed the halls of the high school shooting innocent
nerds in the butt. After the reform, the nerds got guns and fired back,
inflicting heavy casualties on the cheerleaders, causing them to disband,
and reform themselves into armed after school Bible clubs.
This year the school has not had single act of student violence,
although it had several gun deaths due to the school's intermural Russian
roulette league.
Smoothbore said the NRA will offer direct support to public schools
that enact gun reform. For instance, the NRA would set up gun libraries in
these schools. Students could check out guns from the gun libraries, carry
them around in school, use them for self-defense if needed then return them
at the end of the school day. The students would use them only for lawful
purposes. If the students use them in unlawful activities like robbery,
murder, or suicide, they immediately would lose their gun-borrowing
privileges.
He suggested the NRA also could provide an education program for
schools enacting gun reform. Students would learn the proper use of a gun,
including techniques such as how to speed load a revolver and how to bring
down a criminal with one shot and not have to pistol whip him to death and
how to build your own tank in case the government bans assault weapons. It
also will have seminars on forming student posses and student off campus
vigilante groups.
3
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
SCHOOLS IN TROUBLE ... SEND LIMBAUGH, GUNS, AND MORALS
New York (PETER FUNK PRESS)
Radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh has joined the National Rifle
Association (NRA) and its effort to enable students to bring guns in
school. To show his support for this important empowerment of students, he
has put together a "Gun Totin' Update" for his show.
It consists of Franciscan monks humming and snapping their fingers to
the rock and roll version of the _Requiem Mass_ while the somber voice of
Dirty Harry whispers over and over the deep religious question of "Well
punk, do you feel lucky today?".
Limbaugh breaks in during the music and summarizes news stories about
criminal students using guns to cause mayhem in schools. He follows it with
a diatribe that declares the lack of morality in school not guns causes gun
violence.
He ends the update with an appeal to public schools to instill morals
in students by reintroducing prayer and the teaching of moral absolutes
such as "Thou shalt not kill unless somebody messes with you" and "Thou
shalt not commit adultery with thy neighbor's gun."
4
===========================================================================
Entire contents Copyright (C) 1994 by Byron Lanning. All rights reserved.
You cannot redistribute the _PETER FUNK PRESS_ without the permission of
the author with exception that a single user may retrieve the _PETER FUNK
PRESS_ from archives by anonymous FTP or through a Gopher and may send it
to another single user through electronic mail other than an electronic
mailing list such as Majordomo.
Byron Lanning (swipe@well.sf.ca.us or blanning@crl.com) writes and
electronically publishes the _PETER FUNK PRESS_. Inquiries and opinions
welcome.
_THE PETER FUNK PRESS_ appears appoximately twice a month on the USENET
newsgroups alt.zines, alt.journalism, and rec.humor; on The WELL in the
conference Statements (g stmt) topic 81; on Compuserve in the EFF Sig,
Zines from the Net; and on America Online (use the keyword PDA and choose
humor, I believe). You also can collect it by anonymous FTP from crl.com in
users/ro/blanning and at etext.acrhive.umich.edu.
===========================================================================