💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › magazines › MILK › milkbig1.txt captured on 2022-06-12 at 13:14:16.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
???? ???? ??
??????????????????? ??? ?? ???
??????????????????????? ??? ???? ????
????????? ????? ????????? ?? ??? ???? ????
????????? ????? ????????? ???? ??? ???? ????
????????? ??????? ????????? ?? ??? ????????? [MiLK]
????????? ??????? ????????? ??? ??????? BIG Issue 1
????????? ??????? ????????? ??? ??????
????????? ????????? ????????? ?? ?? ???????
????????? ??????? ????????? ???? ???????? ?????????
??????? ??????? ???? ???????? ???? ????
??? ??? ???? ???? ????
???? ???? ????
?? ?? ???
- ? -??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????-? ? ?
This is the first "Volume" Edition of [MiLK].
Basically I felt that I had too many Submissions lying around
to put them all in seperate files, so I just made this one big
spew. but Enough with the Intro.
"Spam" -Yohan Bawk
"The REAL Madonna" -Whoops
"Literary Terms" -Yohan Bawk
"Poetry, or something.." -Psycotic Ambition
"Anarchy Utility" -Yohan Bawk
"Indiana Drivers SUCK!" -IceMECH
"KRaD uTiLiTY" -Yohan Bawk
"Fun in the Hole" -Nature Boy
"42 Fun things / Hospital" -Epic
"How To / Dictator" -James Hetfield
- ? -??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????-? ? ?
???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
? ???????????????????????? ?
? ???????????????????????? ?
? ???????????????????????? ???????? ???????? ??????????? ?
? ?????????????????????? ? ???? ?? ? ???? ?? ? ??? ??? ?? ??? ?
? ???????????????????? ? ???? ?? ? ???? ?? ? ??? ??? ?? ???? ?
? ?????????????????????? ? ??????? ? ???? ?? ? ??? ??? ?? ??? ?
? ?????????????????????? ? ??????? ? ?? ? ?? ? ??? ??? ?? ??? ?
? ???????????????????? ???? ???? ???? ???????????? ???? ?
? ?????????????????????? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ?
? ???????????????????????? ?
? ???????????????????????? F?U?C?K?I?N?G W?O?N?D?E?R?F?U?L S?H?I?T ?
? ???????????????????????? ?
???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
? Biff Thelmus Bonglemeister III Didn't Even Think About Writing This ?
???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Today we're going to tell you about Spam. In case you didn't read the
nifty title up there, Spam is fucking wonderful shit. We'll tell you
more about its uses later, for now, what is it?
???????????????????????????
?????????????????????????????
?????????????????????????????
?????????????????????????????
?????????????????????????????
?????????????????????????????
?????????????????????????????
????????????????????????????
[ Figure A. Spam ]
Spam comes in great big cans. As I write this, there is a huge ass can
of Spam sitting in front of me, just inches from my face. Spam was
created and is currently manufactured by the Hormel company, you know,
that meat company that makes those disgusting little canned sausages
that taste like rotten hot dogs. On the cover of the can of Spam,
there is a picture of a roasted ham, glazed on top, with little cloves
on the scored top, a sprig of parsley decorating the picturesque
repast. However, do not be fooled, Spam is not ham. What is Spam?
Well, the ingredients are pork, ham, salt, water, sugar, and sodium
nitrate. Ignore the sodium nitrate, it's just preservative.
Now then. Spam comes in big 12oz. cans with a little pull-ring top.
Pull the ring and the five-year-old air from within the can expels
itself with a satisfied *splut*. Now wrench the cover off, and shake
the can until the huge gelatinous mass comes quivering out onto a
plate. Your Spam is "fully cooked, ready to eat--cold or hot," but
frankly, ewwww! When Spam is cold the oily stuff in the can oozes all
over it and little globs of gelatinous fat adorn the pink blob. Yeech.
Anyway, heat your Spam up and eat it.
There are several ways to heat Spam up, but using a frying pan to fry
the junk is usually the best way. Second best is using an oven. By no
means should you ever boil it, that would be disgusting, or steam it,
that would be worse. I have never microwaved Spam. If you microwave
Spam, there is always the possibility that the lamprey larvae living in
the Spam will be genetically altered by the microwave radiation and be
prematurely activated, before your stomach's gastric juices can kill
them. That would be bad. Anyway, heat your Spam up, but BY NO MEANS
SHOULD YOU EVER SALT IT. In fact, if you have bland food, just put a
sliver of Spam in it, and the salt will diffuse into the bland food by
osmosis, down the concentration gradient. However, when you eat Spam,
you must eat it plain, to savor its intense flavor. Using bread or
some other form of buffer to dilute the saltiness is cheating yourself
of the true concept of Spam. Beware, it is very salty. Do not be
alarmed if you begin to drool halfway into a meal of Spam, it is a
normal reaction and all part of the Spam Experience.
What else is Spam good for? Spam is wonderful for making sculptures.
It is more versatile than modeling clay, in that it is not as heavy and
will not retain fingerprints. It is easier to sculpt, in that using a
knife to flake off slivers of Spam will work better than doing that
same thing with clay. And, if the sculpture is an utter failure, you
can fry it up and eat it. If you do not plan to eat your masterpiece,
coat it with Elmer's Glue, yes, the disgusting white junk that smells
like crap. It will seal a snotty cover around the entire thing and
prevent flies from getting to it. This glue cover, if sufficiently
airtight, will also kill the budding lamprey larvae. Unfortunately if
you do not put a thick enough cover on, and there is a leak, the
lamprey larvae will eventually break out and ruin the sculpture. Good
things to sculpture with Spam include little animals (elephants are the
easiest), dinosaurs, famous rock stars (you can usually use a blob for
the face), text file authors, and even phallic symbols.
Spam can also be used to flavor drinks. Although the stuff is greasy,
which will leave a disgusting film on top of the drink, if you use a
straw you will not notice. Just grind up the Spam, letting the liquid
in the Spam run down. You do NOT want to use the liquid, it is pure
grease without any salt in it. Now put the Spam into a drink which
does not have enough flavor and shake well. You can be sure that the
drink will now be packed with flavor. Some people dislike this method
of using Spam.
Too much Spam can be fatal, so do not eat the stuff in large doses, one
can is more than enough for one meal. Always eat Spam with Tang, the
concentrated sugar experience--Tang requires no Spam flavoring.
- ? -??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????-? ? ?
The Real Madonna
Many of you may know her already--the blond, lascivious, lucious
enchantress. But were you aware of her secret life--the REAL
madonna..behind the movie screens, the bitchy attitude, the stuck up nose, the
pelvis thrust, the chastity belts made of paper that weren't really much good
anyway.. but well, that's another story. But what lies behind that facade?
Well, you're just about to find out.
When Madonna was a small girl, growing up in southern Tennessee, the one
thing she yearned for was to become a wife. She adored her father and wanted
to be exactly what her mother was to her father: slave. She did everything her
daddy wanted, even dressing up in those skimpy dresses that weren't really
much fun to play in at all, even when daddy hurt her in that one place and she
didn't understand why. She never did tell mommy about it, because when she was
even younger, she'd seen daddy doing the same thing to mommy, so she figured
it was normal and she just must have been weird-in-the-head and she better
stop it so that she can be a better slave and not write all these run on
sentences.
Young Madonna's name wasn't even Madonna. Her name was Bessie--her father
named her after his best cow. He always used to talk about what a fine cow
that Bessie was.. Bessie helped the poor farmers through the hardest times,
and the father had formed a..shall we say..special...attachment...to the cow.
But that disease wasn't well-known until much later. But
young-Bessie-that-eventually-became-virtuous-Madonna loved her father and
everything he loved, so she loved Bessie-the-cow, her namesake, also.
When Bessie was about 10 years old, her mother passed away. She was 29 and
died while trying to give birth to her 9th child with Bessie's father. The
baby died soon after, and Bessie's father was in a horrible mood after the
baby died. Bessie wondered what "dumb bitch couldn't even bring me some more
welfare" meant but she never did get around to asking her father.
Now, Bessie loved her mother and father very much and wanted to keep her
mother's memory alive, so she decided to take her mother's place. She did all
the chores that her mother did, plus some new additional ones that her papa
taught her. She never really did enjoy the things papa taught her, but papa
knows best. I mean, after all, she was his slave, what else did she need in
life?
All in all, Bessie was one happy gal. She lived a happy life on the farm
for the next five years being slave. When she was fifteen, however, she
accidentally broke the old rusting lock on an old door in the barn and peered
inside the cavernous space. She saw glints of light reflected off of some
metal. After a closer inspection, she discovered whips, chains and all sorts
of interesting toys. At this point, Bessie found her calling. She grabbed
all the sexual devices (for that's what they really were, though the poor girl
was too ignorant at that point to even know that) and ran out away from the
farm. She would never return.
Bessie ran and ran and ran and ran for hours and hours and sentences and
sentences and sentences and lines and lines and lines. Eventually, the chains
wore her down and she sat by the roadside to rest. She leaned up against the
decrepit fence at the edge of the road and drifted off to dreamland. She
dreamt about her father, and how much she missed him, but she knew that she
had somehow found something that would link her to her future, her fate. Then
her dream started shaking, and when she woke up, she found herself lying down
in the back of a truck wobbling its way down the bumpy road. She sat up and
looked around her, first checking for her chains--phew, they were right there
next to her. The truck passed through miles of cornfield and flat lands, and
Bessie realized by that point that she must be in Illinois. She was scared of
who the people in the truck were, so she grabbed her toys and jumped out at
the first sign of life--which happened to be chicago.
Bessie carried her toys down into the city, earning a few dollars by
selling some to passerbys that admired her whips. She would crack the whips on
street corners to get people to come over and pay attention, usually getting
lots of attention (For she was a rather nice looking girl, after all) except
from the old women that called her a young whippersnapper. (ouch.) In one day,
she earned enough money (for her chains were of the highest quality) to get an
audition. (Well, after all, that's what everyone wants to be--a starving
artist of some sort) The nice men at the audition liked her legs so much (i
mean, they liked her so much) that they gave her a job. All she had to do was
lie on a bed and scream and they would videotape her and give her lots of
money. Well, this sounded great to Bessie, after all, she loved being a slave.
One day while she was lying and screaming, a man rushed in from somewhere
and shouted "YES! that's her! that voice.. the tone..the pitch..it's perfect!"
and they took Bessie away.
"What's your name, girl?" asked the man.
"Bessie," she replied.
"Dreadful. Sounds like the name of a cow. It'll have to go.. all right,
we're into the opposites.. let's name her after one of the most saintly
figures.. Madonna. How's that sound? That's your new name."
"Okey-Dokey," madonna replied. She was happy.
Madonna started training, taking lessons for singing and lessons for how
to writhe around to get young and old men alike to look at her and lessons for
how to play the flute (for one must always be well-rounded. and <whistle> boy
was she well-rounded). And eventually, she even became kinda good at it. She
could actually carry a tune. But that was probably from all the years of hard
work on the farm.. She'd built up lots of strength back then.
Eventually Madonna came to be quite well-known. She even began to
develop.. <god forbid> a personality. That of a vixen, but still, a
personality. She did have a fascination with locks and little boys (probably
stemming from her experiences with finding the chains and god knows where the
little boys bit came from) but other than that, she was a normal sex queen.
Her 'music' became very popular, and Madonna even got to do the
writhing-around-on-the-bed-bit on STAGE! The whips and chains and chastity
belts came in later on in her career, but Madonna was, in a word...happy.
And that is how Madonna came to be. Once an innocent young girl with
aspirations of becoming a slave, now a lewd lascivious leering Lolita with
aspirations of shocking as many people as she could.
- ? -??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????-? ? ?
Literary Terms
--------------
Useful Guide by Biff Thelmus Bonglemeister III...
striking fear into the hearts of teachers everywhere
Boy, English teachers are sure full of shit. In fact, I bet your
English teacher makes you memorize/regurgitate all sorts of "literary
terms," they LOVE that one, those freaks. So here we are, all the
literary terms you'll ever want, WITH EXAMPLES!!! For the sake of
convenience the guy in some of the examples has this name we pulled
totally out of thin air, he's called Neil Zibble. Okay here we go:
Acronym: This is a bunch of letters, not succeeded by periods, which
stand for something or other, like NASA or SCUBA or BLaH or MiLK, or
even MK][.
Alliteration: Consanance at the beginning of words, i.e. "Scott self
services while singing." Cf. CONSANANCE
Allusion: This is where some guy is not original enough to keep his own
head afloat, and refers to some other guy, e.g. (boy, don't you love
Latin? Nobody understands it, not even you, but it makes ya look
damned SMART) when you make a reference to someone else's work. So
it's a lot like plagarism, it's like when I say "boy that text file
BLAH-042.TXT, the BLaH Field Guide To Lampreys, boy that's a pretty
hot piece of work," I am ALLUDING to that.
Assonance: Repitition of vowel sounds, like "NeEEeil eEEes a peEEenis"
(emphasis added) or "go blow a G.I. Joe." Cf. CONSANANCE
Bad Joke: Your face. Hah! Hah! Hah. Cf. VERY WORST JOKE
Climax: EWWW!! What are YOU thinking of, don't deny it! This is a
LITERARY climax, that's when the plot of the story gets its most
exciting. For example, if some book was about Neil Zibble killing
(another hypothetical person) Scott Chazin, the part when Neil shoots
Scott is the climax. Cf. RISING ACTION, FALLING ACTION, CONCLUSION
Conclusion: This is the resolution of a book, where all the loose ends
get tied up and the main character wakes up discovering that it was
all a dream. At least, that happens on "Dallas." Example: Neil
Zibble has finished axe-murdering people, now he wakes up and finds
out it was all a sadomasichist dream. Cf. FALLING ACTION
Conflict: A fight of some sort. There are four kinds of conflict:
Man-vs-Man: Where person(s) are against other person(s), i.e. Neil
Zibble fights Scott Chazin.
Man-vs-Nature: Where person(s) are fighting against Nature, i.e. Neil
Zibble is getting eaten by a lamprey.
Man-vs-Society: Where person(s) are being fucked over (not fucked,
fucked over) by society, i.e. Neil Zibble is framed for shooting
someone else's dog when Scott Chazin was the guy who did it.
Man-vs-Himself: Where there is an INTERNAL CONFLICT, i.e. Neil Zibble
debates whether masterbation is evil. Cf. INTERNAL CONFLICT
Consanance: Repitition of consanant sounds, like NNNneil the
nNNnecrophiliac nNNneeds banNNnanNNna dDDdildDDdos (emphasis added).
Cf. ASSONANCE
Falling Action: This is what happens after the climax, when we begin
working towards the conclusion. No example, Cf. CONCLUSION
Hook: This is an introduction or a beginning (or just part of a story)
designed to catch one's eye and thus make someone want to read
something. Example: see SADOMASICHISM
Internal Conflict: This is a man-vs-himself conflict, which can either
be the entire conflict of a book or just a little chapter of it,
i.e. a whole book based on internal conflict would be Neil Zibble
debating whether to kill his dad, a chapter maybe when Neil Zibble
asks himself if he should or should not wear a condom. Cf. CONFLICT
Irony: This is where something opposite to what one would expect
happens. For example: Neil Zibble is masturbating, and then he says,
"I'm not repressed," that's irony. Then when he says, "but I bet you
are and I can help you," that's sick. Cf. SARCASM
Recursive Acronym: An acronym that refers to itself, like GNU ("GNU's
not Unix"), or RAS ("Recursive Acronyms Suck").
Rhyme: There are lots of different kinds of rhyme, rhyme is strong
assonance at the end of a line, like "Neil Zibble is a schmuck/He
masterbates in the muck." Cf. ASSONANCE, SLANT RHYME
Rising Action: Another amazing example of how disgusting literary terms
can sound, especially when we consider that this is how we get to the
climax. Yes, that's right, the author starts the rising action which
builds to the climax, example is in a book about Neil Zibble the
small furry animal torturer, rising action is how he was abused as a
kid and watched a small furry animal bite his neck. Cf. CLIMAX
Rime: see RHYME
Sadomasichism: Not a literary term, we put it in here as an example for
HOOK, this caught your eye, didn't it?
Sarcasm: This is irony, but said in a spirit of sadism, e.g. irony used
to hurt someone. Example: Scott Chazin says to Neil Zibble, "boy,
masterbation is NORmal, don't worry," and then starts cracking up.
Cf. IRONY
Slant Rhyme: Rhyme that is not exact, like "penis" and "slice." A
half-rhyme, sometimes called a "female" rhyme. or a "sprung" rhyme.
Cf. RHYME
Very Worst Joke: Your MOTHER's face. Hah! Hah! Hah. Cf. BAD JOKE
- ? -??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????-? ? ?
Sea Of Pain....By Psychotic Ambition
I am sailing
Sailing the sea of pain
The ending I can't forsee
But the pain is acompaning me
Slowly I am becoming weak
Survival is what I seek
Laugher is what I hear
Day and Night every year
It laughs at my help cries
Darkness engulfs the skies
Storm is drawing near
I am running out of time I fear
I am slowly moving ahead
In the right direction is yet to be said
My boat has a leak
My outlook looks bleak
But I'll try to find a way
To escape from the price I pay
I am sailing the sea of pain
My efforts to escape are in vain
Serve by Psychotic Ambition
---------------------------
Serve your master
You know who he is
Serve your master
You know that he bids
Serve your master
Or pay the price
Serve your master
You're trapped like mice.
Serve your master
He's coming over
Serve your master
Your life is over
Rain by Psychotic Ambition
-------------------------
One by one they all descend
Their destination unknown
Easily carried by the wind
They are persuaded here and there
Though they travel different routes
They all end in the same place
But that is not the end of their journey
For it is neverending
Over and over they travel
Not knowing where they might land
- ? -??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????-? ? ?
Anarchy Utility
---------------
Converts text files to Anarchist, "I'm a Hacker Wannabee Who Knows
Stupid Computer Characters and Extended ASCII Codes" format. This is
really useful for generating huge text files in totally nonsensical
format. It's hard to read, so encrypt files with swears or explicit
sex in them so parents reading them over your shoulder will get
headaches and die! Or, convert your entire TERM PAPER to Anarchist
format, and annoy the SHIT out of your teachers!!
ANARCHY is a file viewer, use it exactly like you use the DOS command
TYPE (you know, the command that views the contents of a file). At the
DOS prompt just type:
C:\>ANARCHY {filename}
Where {filename} is the filename to be converted. This will display
the contents of {filename} in Anarchist format. If you want to save
this neat-O Anarchist formatted-text in another file, use standard DOS
redirection piping, like so:
C:\>ANARCHY {filename1} > {filename2}
Where {filename1} is the file to read from, and {filename2} is the file
to be written to.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
An example, before conversion...
Listen to the voices in your head, that say to you:
Cheat on tests, it doesn't matter, nobody cares.
Kill your neighbor's lawn with DranO the next chance you get.
Look, there's a dog, bean it with that rock!
Teachers... and whips... a good combination!
Set your house on fire!
Listen to heavy metal... and KILL YOURSELF!
And after conversion.
L?z??? ?? ?h? v????z ?? y??? h???, ?h?? z?y ?? y??:
?h??? ?? ??z?z, ?? ???z?'? m?????, ??b??y ????z.
]<?|| y??? ???9hb??'z |?vv? vv??h ])???0 ?h? ??x? ?h???? y?? 9??.
L??k, ?h???'z ? ??9, b??? ?? vv??h ?h?? ???k!
????h??z... ??? vvh??z... ? 9??? ??mb???????!
5?? y??? h??z? ?? ????!
L?z??? ?? h??vy m???|... ??? ]<|LL ?0??5?LF!
- ? -??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????-? ? ?
"Indiana Drivers, They Suck!"
Hello, I'm back. . .
Well, I'm here to tell you about some of the world's worst drivers, Indiana
drivers. There is BAD driving, then there is stupid driving, then the
combination of the two, "Indiana Drivers." They are in a class all their
own. I'm sorry if you have any relitavies in that state or you live there.
If you moved there, mostlikly you don't drive like them so don't wory.
Ok, here goes it. . .
. . .They drive at 40mph no matter what the speed limit (i live in Crete,
about 30 sec from Indiana), slower if they are old or have a really crappy
car. They insist on driving in what ever lane will piss off the most people
or so it seems. Picture it, your gonna make it to school in just enough time
to get to your locker and to your first class (home room for me, yes HR in
High School). You pull out onto the main street, start going at about 45
in a 40. You come up on an Indiana driver, going say 35. The clock ticking
towards 8am, you are behind by about 2 min now because you've been following
this guy for about 5 min. You finally get to a 4 lane road (route 30) and
pass the guy cause you decide to go the speed limit (or 5 mph over), it seems
that you have passed him so quick your going 70 or 80, you check, your lucky
your only going 60, no, just kidding, your going 50 in a 45. You wonder why
this person "must" go 35 or 40 in this zone. Oh well, you continue up till
Burnham and 83. You turn onto Burnham and accelerate up to 55, the speed
limit is 50 till the airport (about 3 to 5 miles). You come up on another
Indiana driver, now your on his bumper going 40 - 45. You finally get up
to the light, make your left turn. It's the home strech (or school strech),
you have no one infront of you and you arive to school, park your care
in some lame way that the principal said to or he'd have your car towed.
You sprint into the school, you get past the hall to the library and you hear
"RIIINNNNNGGGGGGGG!" It's the 8am bell, your late, life sux and another
damn Indiana driver/person FUCKS up again and will not even pay for it, or
even care, except for the fact that they will never get a ticket for going
too fast, but who knows about going too slow. Man that was my 3rd tarty,
one more, and you get to stay after school for 50 min with your loving (NOT)
principal. Man does life suck!
Well thanks again for reading guys. Let me know what you think so far
about my writing and toppics.
Driving off,
IceMECH
- ? -??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????-? ? ?
KRaD Utility
------------
By Biff Thelmus Bonglemeister III
Converts any text file into KRaD studlycap format! Really useful for
annoying the FUCK out of people who hate studlycaps. Also really
useful for converting ENTIRE TEXT FILES, i.e. essays, term papers, etc.
for submission at school, drives teachers absolutely BONKERS!
KRaD is a file viewer, use it exactly like you use the DOS command TYPE
(you know, the command that views the contents of a file). At the DOS
prompt just type:
C:\>KRAD {filename}
Where {filename} is the filename to be converted. This will display
the contents of {filename} in studlycap format. If you want to save
this studly studlycap formatted-text in another file, use standard DOS
redirection piping, like so:
C:\>KRAD {filename1} > {filename2}
Where {filename1} is the file to read from, and {filename2} is the file
to be written to.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
An example, before conversion...
Call your nearest kRad GinsuTalk chat system, Nuclear Greenhouse!
And, while you're on, why not go behind the innocent facade and visit
one of the world's largest elite file boards, Nuclear Warezhouse! Get
tons of kRad elite warez. Just call Nuclear Greenhouse at 998-0008,
and ask for Dave the sysop. Nuclear Greenhouse--an incredible 17
nodes, running GinsuTalk at 300, 1200, 2400, 9600, and 14.4k baud!
And after conversion.
CaLL YouR NeaReST KRaD GiNSuTaLK CHaT SYSTeM, NuCLeaR GReeNHouSe!
aND, WHiLe You'Re oN, WHY NoT Go BeHiND THe iNNoCeNT FaCaDe aND ViSiT
oNe oF THe WoRLD'S LaRGeST eLiTe FiLE BoaRDS, NuCLeaR WaReZHouSe! GeT
ToNS oF KRaD eLiTe WaReZ. JuST CaLL NuCLeaR GReeNHouSe aT 998.ooo8,
aND aSK FoR DaVE THe SYSoP. NuCLeaR GReeNHouSe..aN iNCReDiBLe 17
NoDeS, RuNNiNG GiNSuTaLK aT 3oo, 12oo, 24oo, 96oo, aND 14.4K BauD!
- ? -??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????-? ? ?
"Fun in the Hole" By Nature Boy (NB!)
As of now, I am sitting in my In School Suspension room trying to look
writting this....SHHhhhh...Anyways, I decided to write a list on 101 fun
things to do in the "Hole". The hole...such a dreaded place, boring and
almost seems never-ending, but this Tfile may help time go by, even in a
fun way! Most of these are things I have done either to stay out of trouble,
or just to annoy the teacher.
1. Chant word em up numerous times
2. Play with your food, and draw it. <Tell em its for 3-D art>
3. Grind every pencil in the area with the sharpener
4. Click staples every-where
5. Scribble on the desks
6. Make projectile weapons out of non-used rubber bands
7. Randomly throw you arms around so they think you are insane
8. Press the office pager like your playing Mortal Kombat
9. Tear every page out of an Encyclopedia Britannica set
10. Tell a teacher of your last lamprey hunt.
11. Take your bottle of pepsi upside-down in your mouth thinking you are a
five gallon water bottle
12. Build castles out of mud from your shoes
13. Stare at a teacher and blink like the shutters of a japanese tourist's
camera
14. Use your projectiles to stcik pens in the celing
15. Fopam from the mouth
16. Carve SMeG in your leg
17. Bring a jar of tang for lunch
18. Stan and salute as each teacher passes through
19. Complain about teachers they're firends with
20. Complain about flashing flourecent lights
21. Tell endless stories about Jethro Poor Boy's bad attitude
22. Constantly colapse
23. Pretend your on a horse as the secretarys type
24. Mumble about the war in your head
25. Mumble about the blood clot in your head
26. Mumble how good pencil shavings taste
27. Use a flourecent highlighter to highlight every page in a book
28. Make bongs out of paper clips
29. Make magnets stick through your head
30. Twist and turn a goatie you dont even have
31. Twist and turn your teachers goiter
32. Eat like a starving puppy
33. Flicker the light screaming FLaSHeRS!!
34. Tell teahchers of the times you and your book bag have gone through
35. Tear your soc to shreads
36. Pluck your hair out
37. Jump in on conversatioins that have nothing to do with you
38. Cheer as each minute on the clock passes
39. Write [MiLK] files on 101 things to do in the hole
40. Tangle the blinds up REAL bad!
41. Plot an escape from Alkatrez
42. Use any form of white powder to form lines
43. Drool on everything
44. Contantly put your feet on the tables
45. Color your hair with markers
46. Maim and beat your favorite secretary
47. Xerox your face when no ones looking
48. Xerox your face when no ones looking
49. Do all of the above untill milk comes out of neaghboring students nose
50. Jump on the desk and dance like Ed Grimly
51. Make a Van Gogh from saftey pins
52. wank Wank WANK!
53. Take the desks apart
54. Ask to go to the bathroom every five minutes
55. Shove anything into an electrical outlet
56. Paint a picture
57. Pain the walls
58. Yeah
59. Ummm
60. <Smile>
61. Play whats in the box with your imaginary friend
62. Read Platoon upside-down
63. Repeativly fall out of your chair
64. Bead and knot your shoelaces
65. While on the floor, roll around
66. Support Beastiality
67. Start a patition to leagalize sodomy
68. Pop zits across the room
69. <-- Number speaks fo its self
70. Write Nature Boy out of used chewing gum
71. Rant and Rave about how you will sensely beat your
Sea Monkeys when you get home
72. Never close your mouth
73. Arrange your Perry Como albums alphabeticaly from Z-A
74. Whistle untill you burst a lung open
75. Constantly clink a zippo lighter open an shut
76. Jab other students with a compass
77. State you are the Electric Messiah, kooler than Jesus <Dont forget the
k in kool>
78. Preform slight of foot acrobatics on twine and two desks
79. Continue playing that famous air guitar
80. Write Sam Hein on your forehead with blood-red lipstick
81. Practice your regular kult rituals
82. Use as many racial slurs as you can find in that Spanish dictionary
83. Count all your money, mumbling "Bitch betta have my money...."
84. Sing a song by the carpenters
85. Pick stuff out of your teeth
86. Ignite any of your body hairs to give off a terible smell
87. Tell how funny Shindlers List was to a teacher you KNOW is Jewish
89. Remove that leather belt and lasso objects
90. Make a splash as you dive into the trash can
91. Take notes on thee teachers behavior's
92. Slam a T-Square up that drafting teachers ass
93. Act and swing like a beat-nick
94. Hiss and Scratch like a cat
95. Delace and Relace your shoes
96. Giggle at the naked pictures in the National Geographic
97. Break a red pen open and ask to see the nurse
98. Pretend your playing pong
99. Lick crumbs off any surface
100. Make a bag pipe from a few straws and a bag of chips
101. Command a fleet of paper air-planes!
Well, there's your list. I do not own a lap-top, so I re-typed it when I
home. After completing every procedure on this list, you teachers can be
concidered Leagaly Insane in a court of Law. There are some inside jokes in
there, and those not understanding, you might wana ask me.
GReeTZ: Wolverine, Charlie Brown/Nightbreed, Frizzle Fry,
Les Claypool, and anyone else that isnt on the spotlight
- ? -??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????-? ? ?
"42 Fun Things To Do At The Hospital"
Hellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllo, NURSE!
So, you are in the hospital. Perhaps you have been committed to be
insane, perhaps you have a bladder infection, perhaps you broke your spleen,
the cause is irrelevant, you are stuck. The hospital really isn't much fun at
all, but while you are there, you might as well make the most of it. I was in
the hospital the past weekend and came up with a little list of hints and
tips for you to make your stay more enjoyable.
1. Play wheelchair demolition derby.
2. Play bingo with the heart patients.
3. Play twister with the mental patients.
4. Play the Michael Jackson game in pediatrics.
5. Play with the neat control things for the craft-0-matic beds.
6. Throw the neat control things for the bed at the nurses.
7. Throw your TV remote control at the TV.
8. Throw your TV remote control out of the window.
9. Insist your name is "Javier-Adbul-Jabeeb the Third".
10. While taking a blood test, take the syringe and do it yourself.
11. Steal other patients' ID wristbands.
12. Steal other patients' organs.
13. Beg your nurse for "2 poundz of mo' phine!"
14. Rig other patients wheels so they work like shopping carts.
15. Always insist on a fifth opinion.
16. Draw obscene pictures on the papers attached to your bed.
17. Draw obscene pictures on your nurses' heads.
18. Hide under the covers and don't come out.
19. Lie face down in a busy area of the hospital and don't move.
20. Try to wheel your wheelchair out of a window.
21. Stick your face in the "sharps" bin.
22. Bleed on your doctor and ask lots of questions about AIDS.
23. Never flush your toilet.
24. Take a shower exactly every 69 minutes.
25. Have 'nam flashbacks frequently.
26. Walk directly into walls all over the hospital.
27. Call other patients and breathe heavily.
28. Tell the operator they are waiting for her in the operating room.
29. Make yourself into a mummy with bandages.
30. Fashion a fake gun from a bar of soap and escape.
31. Gain an eating disorder.
32. Vomit on your doctor.
33. Insist that the nurse NOT leave the room for X-rays.
34. Ask your doctor if you can still smoke crack with your condition.
35. Smoke crack in your room, regardless of his answer.
36. Sing Monkees songs non-stop.
37. Pound on the wall, and insist that it is music.
38. Put on your hospital gown backwards.
39. Wear a sign saying "I'm Lost" and wander aimlessly.
40. Wheel your bed into the hallway and go to sleep.
41. Write a letter to our president supporting our FUN health care system.
and, well, the last one...
42. Just die.
Well, that's about all the fun things there are to do in the
hospital. Maybe there are more, but I'm not very creative. Hospitals are bad
places, try to avoid them if possible. Farewell, and well thee may fare.
- ? -??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????-? ? ?
"How to take over your government"
or
"How to become a world power in 5 easy steps"
Ok, we all know how much we'd like to all be the leaders
of our own Dictatorships. Well, if you use this guide, these
5 easy steps should bring you fame and mass hatred towards
you! It's simple.
"I used Jamesy's Guide, and look what it did for me!
I especially liked his suggestion about killing all the jews..."
-Adolf... somebody
Let's get to the Basics. Step ONE. To gain power, you
have to be a strong speaker. No shy people really ever become
dictators, just doesn't happen. That one is easy enough. If
you do not fall under this catagory, proceed to taking Acting,
Public Speaking, and Speech classes.
Step TWO. Have a really big ego. Unless you're sure
of yourself to the point of arrogence, you're going to have a
hard time taking power. Make sure you know how to make quick,
bias decisions. If you do not fall under this catagory,
proceed to take more acting classes, for all actors have egos.
Step THREE. Have lots of weapons. Whether this
consists of nuclear weapons, or Manpower, or what not, you
need to have a sufficent amout of Ammmunition to be able to
take over the government. If you do not fall under this
category, proceed to use the skills you learned in steps one
and two to impress your friends and neighbors into following
your "Cause". Then gets lots of money, and use it on
Weaponry. Then scare more people into joining your brigade
because now you have weapons to do this. Then buy more
weapons. And keep the process going.
Step FOUR. Find somebody to really hate. All the
best dictators always had a certain Ethnic group or Religeon
to base all the problems of the world upon. This category is
relatively easy, just find someone who you despise and take
all your anger out upon his Racial or Ethnic clan.
Step FIVE. Kills lots of people. After proceeding
with step three, this one again should be relatively easy.
Just shoot lots of innocent people, and scare lots of people,
and kill the people that aren't scared, and kill the people
that are scared. Basically, kill anything in your path that
does not agree with you.
By following this simple five steps, you can lead your
country into a successful tyrannical ancestry that's sure to
last and last.
- ? -??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????-? ? ?
? ? [MiLK] Information
? ?
? ? [MiLK] Sites:
? ?
? ? Barney's Pleasure Palace...(708)965-3098 [14,400]
????????????? The Acropolis..............(708)557-2826 [14,400]
????????????? The Lunatic Phringe........(708)232-0565 [12 Nodes]
?????????????
?????????????
????????????? BIG Issue #1
????????????? This file is Exactly 40622 bytes long