💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › magazines › MILK › milk-028.txt captured on 2022-06-12 at 13:13:00.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
???? ???? ??
??????????????????? ??? ?? ???
??????????????????????? ??? ???? ????
????????? ????? ????????? ?? ??? ???? ????
????????? ????? ????????? ???? ??? ???? ????
????????? ??????? ????????? ?? ??? ?????????
????????? ??????? ????????? ??? ??????? [MiLK]
????????? ??????? ????????? ??? ?????? File #28
????????? ????????? ????????? ?? ?? ???????
????????? ??????? ????????? ???? ???????? ?????????
??????? ??????? ???? ???????? ???? ???? "People are Shitheads"
??? ??? ???? ???? ???? -By Yohan Bawk
???? ???? ????
?? ?? ???
People are Shitheads
--------------------
or
Another Racist Communist Plot to
Impurify and Destroy our Vital
Bodily Fluids
--------------------------------
By Hrrrmph
Edited by Biff Thelmus Bonglemeister III
Hello, my name is Hrrrmph, and I'm an infestation. Yes, that's right,
other folks may be doctors and lawyers and teachers and mayors and
lamprey hunters, but me, I'm just a lowly infestation. To be more
specific, I'm a thrown out empty can of Snapple Kiwi and Strawberry
cocktail floating merrily along on the Chicago River (boy, and you were
starting to think I was a yeast infection or something. Ewwww!).
Now every day (before I got thrown in this dump that is) I would hear
people complaining about pollution and I always thought, "well, heck,
those people are right, pollution is downright ugly." But now, I
myself am a piece of pollution, and I guess my mind is a lot more open
now to these alternate lifestyles, because NOW (obviously) I don't
think pollution is so ugly anymore.
Heck. Some of my best friends are pieces of pollution.
Anyway, I'm here today to tell you about the newest menace to the
freedom and character and vital bodily fluids of the continental Untied
States, yes, that's right, yet another new and terrible form of
discrimination.
Yes, I am a sad victim of the new scourge to civil rights lawyers
everywhere, UTILITARIAN DISCRIMINATION. Now this may sound new,
because it is, so you're probably asking "what is this crap?" Well,
I'm sure you've heard of racial discrimination, and religious or sexual
discrimination, and some of you may even have heard of the less popular
small furry animals discrimination. Well anyway racial discrimination
is when people treat people differently because of race and stuff,
sexual because of sex and stuff, small furry animals because the guys
who work for the big make-up companies have guns. Well, whatever--
that's not important because basically the only thing I worry about is
utilitarian discrimination, which is when employers, dump operators,
etc. treat someone differently because of the fact that they're not
useful.
Now this is totally unfair, and I'm in court today to protest this un-
American unjustice. Now ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you may
demand some evidence to back my charges of utilitarian discrimination.
Well here are some examples. When I had just been thrown aside, it
wasn't in the river, it was on the side of the road, being thrown FROM
THE WINDOW OF A CAR. Ouch! Now, I was part of a six pack you know,
and none of the OTHER cans were thrown out the window to die. If that
wasn't discrimination, I don't know what is. Now then I was bouncing
and rolling around, finally falling into a bed of daisies, when some
guy with an orange vest on comes along with a trash bag and says
"hrrmph!" Now of course I started listening, but then he just said
"geez, all this trash," and picked me up and threw me in the disgusting
smelly trash can! Ewww! You don't see those trash stooges throwing
any daisies in their trash cans, do you? Of course not, clearly more
discrimination against us poor discarded implements. Then, the guy's
bag springs a leak, and all this trash comes out, and so do I. The guy
leans over to pick up the stuff when his pocket change rolls out of his
pockets, and he starts running after it. Now at this time I started
rolling down toward the sick Chicago River, but did he come running
along to save ME? Of course not, he went for his pocket change. More
shocking discrimination. Anyway then I fell down PLOP into the river,
and there I am to this day, and Jesus, don't I hate it here. Every now
and then I hear someone yell "hrrmph, look at all this shit floating in
the river," and I just want to say, "well then SAVE ME, I KNOW there's
shit all over the river," but of course I have no vocal cords--probably
because even GOD discriminates against useless things.
Anyway, the point is, I want restitution for the emotional damages
caused me by my shocking experiences with utilitarian discrimination.
Hey, if you're good looking, remember, I too was once wanted, so I'm
not some pathetic welfare recipient asking for dough; if you're not
good looking, heck, join forces with me and ASK FOR YOUR AMERICAN
RIGHTS under our fucked-up Constitution.
HRRRMPH FOR PRESIDENT '96
(Democrat)
?????????????????????????????????????
? ??????????????????????? ?? Vote for me,
? ? S N A P P L E ? ?? I can relate with
? ??????????????????????? ?? all your shit
? Kiwi-Strawberry Cocktail ??/
? ?? o
? ?? o
????????????????????????????????????? o
? ? [MiLK] Information
? ?
? ? [MiLK] Sites:
? ?
? ? Barney's Pleasure Palace...(708)965-3098 [14,400]
????????????? The Acropolis..............(708)557-2826 [14,400]
????????????? Mech World.................(708)757-0116 [14,400]
????????????? The Lunatic Phringe........(708)232-0565 [12 Nodes]
?????????????
????????????? File Number 28, "People Are Shitheads" By Yohan Bawk
????????????? This file is exactly 6733 bytes long