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$ .d""b. .d""b. HOE E'ZINE #1008
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$ $ $ $ $ss$ "The Craft"
$ $ $ $ $ by, Anodyne
$ $ $ $ $ $ 1/22/00
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$ $ "TssT" "TssT"
Self-absorbed writers with large vocabularies choose to bless us
with their unique viewpoints. By us, I mean the literate population with
time to read.
This narrows the group down to English majors and the few homeless
people lucky enough to get in on President Carter's "Books for Bums"
initiative.
Given this audience, I can either discuss shoe repair or Chaucer.
I like easy decisions. Unfortunately, while quite self-absorbed I am not
cobbler enough to have a unique viewpoint on the subject.
Instead, I will boldly strike out. After cursing the pitcher and
sulking to the bench, the inning will be over and I will be able to write
about writing at long last. It is a revered ancient art, the pastime of
kings and philosophers, and the consolation of virgins. I just wish I
could come up with a good idea for a pop-up book. At least there is some
visual stimulation involved. Also, inch-high letters will prevent
blindness before the age of fifty. Not to mention that an intelligent
reader will find deep meaning in it anyway.
I'm being honest here.
Many aspiring authors ask me, "How do I get published?" Well,
Johnny, the best thing to do is watch a lot of television and then buy
one of those books about getting published. Take a cookie cutter to our
collective least common denominator mind and press. Write about love and
death but make sure nobody figures that out. In this way, you will be
able to ensure that your fan club excludes those boorish English majors.
I hope you don't mind the smell of gruel, Johnny.
Writers often believe that Nature and the universe creep up to
their ears in the middle of the night, whispering 'inspiratiiioooonnnnn...'
That noise is either a leaky faucet or sex from across the hall, and the
writers are lying there sobbing and dreaming of naked relatives. To be
fair, some of them are smiling, not sobbing.
Writers DO have a gift. It just shouldn't be unwrapped.
So, everybody wants to express themselves and writing is not the
only way. Artists also use the mediums of painting and sculpture. This
art falls into one of two categories: unusual representations of
genitalia, or copies of things ordinary people see everyday. An ordinary
person is defined as anybody who leaves home on a regular basis. Artists
are required to use the phrase with derision.
Music and dance are other widely popular forms of expression.
Dance is the ability to make it look like you are having sex while moving
around a room or stage. You also have to jump and sweat more. Music is
just the sound you hear while dancing or actually having sex.
This leads to a discussion of physical contact and the sex act
itself as means of expression. I'll leave this to the experienced.
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Epilogue:
To understand the psychology involved in the writing of this
diatribe, one needs at least eight years of advanced schooling and
probably a doctorate. Without this level of expertise you couldn't get
me to stop shivering, never mind leave the corner.
My greatest wish is for somebody to go ahead and put me in my
rocking chair, dick in one hand and the Bible in the other. And turn
that music off, because I'm not dancing or fucking -- I'm getting story
ideas.
And Johnny, always leave the reader with something to think about.
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[ (c) HOE E'ZINE -- http://www.hoe.nu HOE #1008, BY ANODYNE - 01/22/00 ]