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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #628
`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
888 888 888 888 888 "HOE Warzzz"
888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
888 888 888 888 888 " by RottenZ
888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 5/9/99
o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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Did you know that there is a new Star Wars film coming out? There
is! On May 19th, be prepared to use the force as film genius George
"American Graffiti" Lucas unleases The Phantom Menace on an unsupsecting
public! Until then, I've written a helpful and informative guide to let
you, the reader, get to know some of the new (and old!!!) characters. I've
done this by comparing them to HoE/#e-zine personalities, so that maybe
you'll have a better understanding of where these dynamic and often deep
characters are coming from!
Qui-Gon Jinn (pronounced Kwai-Gon): This masterful jedi has both
the skill and wisdom to teach his young pupil Obiwan Kenobi the ways of the
force! But will he be able to help Queen Amadalia and the Senate overcome
the menacing Trade Federation? Qui-Gon Jinn, of course, is reminiscant of
NO ONE, because NO ONE is a hero in any of the above categories. Most of
us are sniveling jerks who are so bloated with self import that it's a
wonder we don't pop! Qui-Gon has given up his life to train for a cause
that he purely believes in. Which one of us would do that? I'll tell you
who. NO ONE.
Obiwan Kenobi: A young jedi faced with a puzzling future. Should he
take this boy, Anakin under his wing and train the lad himself, or should
he complete his own training and turn him over to someone much wiser? But
wait! He needs to survive this menacing battle with the new Darth Sideous
first, doesn't he? I believe that I myself most fit the mold of Obiwan.
I'm young, brash, not trained or honed, and enjoy trying to subvert young
boys to my powerful will, only to have them turn on me at a later time,
striking me down, only making me stronger. Also, I'm a very sexy young
man, as is Ewan McGregor, so... there you go.
Anakin Skywalker: Ah, poor Anakin. The force is strong with him,
but this cute little 9 year old boy is doomed with a destiny so dark that
it overshadows the burning sun. Perhaps if Obiwan weren't so foolish he
would turn out to be a great savior of the force. Under the careful
guidance of Jedi Master Yoda, he could lead in a new age of glory to the
galaxy. Sadly, we all know that this is not to be.
The role of Anakin is played by Quarex. He's cute enough, sure, and
maybe even a bit funny, and he seems harmless, although you can see flashes
of brilliance within him. One day soon, however, he will finally find that
one corrupting influence, and all hell will break loose. He already looks
about as attractive as Darth Vader, so once he concentraits his powers on
good instead of evil, he'll probably control the galaxy AND crush windpipes
with his mind, or the possible equivilent thereof.
Queen Amadalia: A young, beautiful queen, caught up in the struggle
of her life. Her empire is falling victim to the viscious Trade
Federation, and all that she has been set to lead is crumbling around her.
All she has to help her is a few scant jedi and a mysterious boy who will
one day become the most evil creature in the world.
Meenk reminds me of the young queen, since she's the member of HoE
who, in their picture, was wearing the most make up. The young queen often
dresses oddly and wears too much make up, and so does Meenk. The young
queen also often notices profound insights in the smoke of her cigarette.
Jar-Jar Binks: Ah Jar-Jar, the poor gungan who's been kicked off of
Naboo for being the very clumsiest of his rabbit-frog species. When he
joins up with a couple of jedi in a quest to save the galaxy, zany antics
are sure to insue!
Jar-Jar = Swisspope. He's clumsy, has floppy parts, and is
generally the lovable outcast. Whenever he's around, some sort of
hilarious, zany antic will be sure to occur. And he's also very fucking
annoying.
Senator Palpatine: You know and love him as The Emporer, dreaded
leader of the Empire. But back in "the day", Palpatine was just one of
those smiling gladhands that slowly let the galaxy get plunged into war
after war, all the while setting himself up to take over and become an
ugly, ugly old man sitting in a very high backed chair.
Clearly, Palpatine should be played by Crank/Lifelike. Right now,
there are only subtle hints of the unmitigated, twisted evil that is to
come, and she, together with Quarex, will soon move to take over
everything, molding it in their own dark images.
Mace Windu: One of the heads of the jedi council was created purely
so Samuel L. Jackson could have a part in it. He's loud, he's black, and
he's one tough jedi son of a bitch. He is wise and will kick your ass.
Mogel is just like Mace Windu. As our leader of HoE, he created it
purely so he could get laid. He's loud, he's black, and he's one tough
jedi son of a bitch.
Yoda: A little muppet with a man's hand up his butt. He's also the
wisest character on the whole planet of Corescunt. Everyone knows Yoda.
Everyone knows Yoda is wise.
Kyusaku/Shadow Tao is Yoda. He always despenses cryptic wisdom. He
is green. And he is more than likely made of plastic.
Darth Maul is the the funky looking guy that isn't in the movie as
much as you thought he would be. He kicks some Qui-Gon and Obiwan ass for
the Trade Federation and the evil Darth Sideous.
In the HOE version of the movie, Darth Maul would be played by TPP,
since he strikes quickly and visciously. The problem here is that Maul
seems to be at least somewhat wise and skilled, and TPP is none of those
things. So I'll give Darth Maul to Aster, as he parlays a sort of
"controlled chaos" that only 6 year old girl can emulate.
Darth Sideous is seemingly the "man behind it all". Evil to the
core, with a strange similarity to Senator Palpatine. Is he the head of
the dangerous Trade Federation? IS HE SENATOR PALPATINE? One thing is for
sure, he is working against the Jedi and wants to bring them all DOWN!
Once again, see Crank. Or Drew. Basically, Darth Sideous is a
Crank/Quarex half-breed.
CP30 and R2-D2: Everyone knows of these lovable droids! They're
in all the movies! Jamesy and AIDS are these two, since they're annoying,
overly whiny, and, most importantly, clearly gay.
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #628 - WRITTEN BY: ROTTENZ - 5/9/99 ]