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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #603
`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
888 888 888 888 888 "The Girl From Mars'
888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8 Superhero Story"
888 888 888 888 888 "
888 888 `88b d88' 888 o (based on actual events, kinda)
o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8 by Girl From Mars [5/6/99]
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Once upon a time there was a small village inhabited by shiny happy
college students. All was peaceful in the village because it was protected
by the all-powerful superhero, the Girl From Mars. The shiny happy college
students all loved their Martian protector, and she loved them as well.
Every time there was a problem, the Girl from Mars came to the rescue.
Problems with registering for classes? She had a magic touch when it came
to getting through to the phone registration system. Don't know where your
classes are? Her mind was a veritable map of the village. Hung over? Her
remedies were the best. The Girl from Mars never faced much adversity, her
usual enemy was the giant unnecessary bureaucracy which governed the
village. She was an uncommon superhero in that she did not have an
Arch-Enemy. That would soon change, or else this is a pretty stupid
story.
It was a beautiful sunny day in the village. Everyone went about
their business with smiles on their faces, for they knew that nothing
could go wrong under the supervision of their resident superhero.
Suddenly, the sky grew dark. "Funny, it wasn't supposed to rain today,"
all the students said to each other. "The Girl from Mars makes sure the
forecasts in the newspaper are accurate." Then the students heard a
thunderous guffawing. A voice, from out of nowhere, said, "Haw haw haw, I
am Superstank, a superhero from the Twonk galaxy. I have come to overthrow
the Girl from Mars! Haw haw haw!"
The students hurried to the Girl from Mars' house to tell her the
dreadful news. The Girl from Mars had never had to deal with a threat of
this nature, and was not sure what to do. She consulted her beloved
students, and came to the conclusion that a showdown was in order. She had
heard much of the Twonk galaxy, and its residents' below-average superhero
skills. She laced up her steel-toe boots, put on her favorite superhero
cape, and ventured outside to face her Twonky enemy.
"Alright Superstank, give me all you've got!" she shouted, ready to
face anything to save her dear village. Suddenly, a hideous misshapen
face peered out from behind a tree. "Come and face me, I can handle
anything you dish out!" the Girl from Mars challenged. The face continued
to leer out at her from behind the tree. "Come on, then!" the Girl from
Mars yelled. The creature made itself visible, and shouted at our hero, "I
am Superstank and I will take over your village!" then Superstank ran off
in the other direction. "Sheesh, that was weird," thought the Girl from
Mars.
For the next few weeks, the Girl from Mars went about her business
in the village, but wherever she went she saw the horrid countenance of
her enemy peering out from behind a building or a tree. "Whenever she is
ready to face me, I am ready," she told her beloved villagers. Superstank
continued her cat-and-mouse-like game for a few more weeks, then she
disappeared for a short while. The Girl from Mars was out one morning
watering flowers when she saw Superstank peering out from behind a park
bench. This time, Superstank was wearing a big floppy hat and a new
superhero cape. "Must have gone shopping," thought our hero.
It turns out that Superstank thought that her frequent costume
changes would fool the Girl from Mars. Hah! Our hero is not so easily
fooled. The Girl from Mars had long tired of Superstank's puerile antics,
and had begun to ignore her, until one day she opened her front door to
find a flaming bag of some animal's excrement. "OK, I've just got to kick
this raunchy superhero-wannabe's arse now!" yelled the Girl from Mars. The
Girl from Mars knew of the Twonkians' love of writing and their lack of
talent for doing so. The superheroes of the Twonk galaxy were pretentious
idiots, according to her Superhero Handbook. Our hero had an idea. She
walked outside and shouted at the sky, "Alright Superstank, it's time for
a showdown. Bring your best writing and I'll bring mine, and the
professors from the college in the village will rate them. The professors
are neutral parties, in that they are not the students whom I look after,
and they are not the bureaucracy with whom I spar. Now bring it on, you
stank biatch!"
Superstank was definitely up for this contest, being as she thought
she was a great writer. She dug up her favorite of her poems, entitled
"S&M and Sucking Cock." "This'll get 'em," she thought, "They're going to
love it because I say 'cock' in it and it's so cool and trendy to be vulgar
and crass! I will definitely take over the village, MWAHAHA!"
The Girl from Mars grabbed any old thing she wrote and brought it to
the panel of professors. The professors looked at Superstank's poem, and
shouts of "Christ! What pretentious crap!" and "I wrote shit like this
when I was twelve!" were heard. When they read the Girl from Mars' poem,
they shrugged and said that it would do. The crowd of our hero's beloved
students all pointed at the so-called villain and laughed as she flew off
back to her galaxy. "I'll be back, Girl from Mars," she cackled, "and I'll
bring some of my friends, you won't be so tough then!" The Girl from Mars
shrugged and said "Do what you will, I'll still KICK YO ASS!!!" The crowd
cheered, and lived happily ever after. There were occasional visits from
the staring eyes of Superstank, but she was laughed out of the village
whenever she surfaced.
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #603 - WRITTEN BY: GIRL FROM MARS - 5/6/99 ]