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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #560
`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
888 888 888 888 888 "Create Your Own Fun!"
888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
888 888 888 888 888 " by Phairgirl
888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 4/6/99
o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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It's tough living in a small, podunk, empty, loser little town in
the middle of nowhere. If you haven't experienced this, then just take my
word for it: almost 22 years of blissful boredom experience can speak
volumes. Granted, they're not the most exciting volumes you would ever
read, but they exist if you should care.
Anyway.
I doubt anyone could dispute that I've lived one of the most
boring existences that ever, ummm, existed. It's not completely my fault;
my family is poor, but not so poor that we've done cool exciting things
like lived in shelters and had to beg on the streets. I guess I'm saying
that my family was poor enough to be on welfare for an incredible number
of years and to never take any kind of "family vacation". Needless to say,
I never left the immediate area of Iowa, Wisconsin, and Illinois until I
turned 18. (That's when I got to see Minnesota! Yay!)
After all this time of sitting around and brooding in my stupid
Iowa town with stupid Iowa people doing stupid Iowa things, I thought to
myself, wow, I'm not insane. Okay, I'm insane, but I'm not running around
24 hours a day in circles screaming about purple and yellow alligators
eating all the daisies or something else your typical insane person would
scream. Obviously, I found _some_ way to keep myself occupied.
But, what if you DON'T have almost 22 years experience in the art
of boredom? And what if, for some evil and heinous reason, you should
find yourself in a completely boring and utterly useless situation? Will
you know what to do? Will you be able to remain coherent, lucid, and
communicative?
And so, I shall share with you some ways that I have learned to
create my own fun. It's not as easy as it looks, finding ways to stay
reasonably occupied. Without the proper experience, you may find yourself
shouting about alligators and purple and yellow flowers and the like.
I want to help you.
I want to _save_ you.
Fun Thing #1: Quietly Happy
===========================
This is the easiest way to create your own fun. They can usually
be done without leaving home and rarely bothering anyone around you.
Read a book. Watch TV or a movie. Draw. Color. Put together a puzzle.
Play solitaire. Stir. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
This is the lame way to stay sane. It will eventually drive you
crazy. But for short periods of time, it will help.
Fun Thing #2: Group Boredom
===========================
If you have any friends, this is an easy way to have an enjoyable
day or evening. Get ahold of some other similarly bored people and go to
a movie. Or, go play pool at a bar. Hang out at a local 24-hour
restaurant and chit-chat. Drive around and "scope out the honeys". Play
tag. Jump rope.
This is also very lame, but you won't feel _nearly_ as bored,
since you will be sharing your boredom with others. However, continuing
this method of fun will eventually lead to group psychosis.
Fun Thing #3: Silly Pranks
==========================
It really is required to have at least one friend for this, because
doing silly pranks just for yourself will not give the required ego boost
that showing off for someone else will give. Make crank phone calls (watch
out for Caller ID, however). T-P a mean person's house. Set a bag of
doggie doo-doo on fire on someone's doorstep, then knock. Knock over a
porch swing. Throw a dead bird on someone's lawn. Climb up a movie
theater sign and rearrange the letters.
They're lame, but fun, and quasi-legal. The worst that could happen
is being caught and yelled at. And either way, that's not so horrible. In
fact, that can be more fun than the pranks themselves.
Fun Thing #4: Break Stuff
=========================
This usually requires a car and a group of darkly-clothed friends.
The most exciting way to use this way to create fun is to do drive-by
smashings. Baseball bats are nice, but not necessary. Some traditional
Iowa versions of breaking stuff include picking up virgin Mary statuettes
and smashing them in driveways, throwing lawn furniture through windows,
and kicking lawn globes.
If you are on a farm, the next best thing would be cow tipping (not
near as fun).
This is definitely the illegal way to create fun. But, baby, it's
fun. Getting caught is a definite no-no. Don't even entertain the
thought. If so, you'll have to graduate to...
Fun Thing #5: Car Chases
========================
This is the most wonderfully exciting way to have a ton of fun.
One tried-and-true method is to throw things at a pick-up truck in the
lane next to yours at a stoplight. Another is to get caught doing bad
things and outrunning the police. Last but not least, screaming at a
carful of teenage guys in a new Mustang that Daddy must love them _much_
more than most daddies love their little boys to buy them a new Mustang
will usually do the trick.
This one sucks if you own a Geo Metro. Don't attempt this unless
you know your car can pull a 90 degree left turn at 40 mph and you know
the town layout _very well_. Trust me -- car chases with an out-of-towner
behind the wheel will force you to end up in a private driveway and
blocked in so that you will have to narrowly escape plowing over an
innocent baby tree and jumping a huge curb to be on your merry way.
Fun Thing #6 (by difficulty): Get Drunk, Get High, and/or Get Laid
==================================================================
Fun for all. Make sure you have some friends, or these ways to
have fun might just lead you back to boredom (or stiff knuckles).
For some, this is the Ultimate Achievable Goal and tends to occur
every Saturday. For others, this will never, ever happen. Nonetheless,
it is definitely the most popular method of occupying eons of boredom-time;
however, many fail to realize that actually, they're all still bored as
hell.
Fun Thing #7: "Other"
=====================
Picture it: You can make your own bombs and kill people you don't
like, don't care about, or just don't even know! Or, you can practice
your Jim Rose Sideshow skills by picking up cement blocks with your
nipplerings. Not to mention all the fun you can have with your new Ronco
Food Dehydrator!
I do not recommend anything in the "other" category. It is
unapproved unless done to achieve Fun Thing #6.
And if all else fails... should you find yourself completely bored
and useless and going insane... run away. Run to a cold, dark place, and
die. Put yourself out of the hellish misery that is boredom. Snuff it.
Jump from a very high place. Consume mass quantities of Drain-O. Break
out the Glock 9. Whatever. You never know... it might be fun.
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #560 - WRITTEN BY: PHAIRGIRL - 4/6/99 ]