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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #548
`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
888 888 888 888 888 "Instruction Manual for
888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8 The Sexually Frustrated"
888 888 888 888 888 "
888 888 `88b d88' 888 o by Reflecks [4/3/99]
o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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Table of Contents.
Volume One
Page
1 ..... Preface
2 ..... Genitals
3 ..... A Word on Pick-up Lines
4 ..... Why She Looks Prettier When You're Drunk
5 ..... Conclusive Words
Volume Two
Page
1 ..... What To Do When You Can't Get a Date
2 ..... The Kleenex. Snot-rag or God's Gift to Man?
3 ..... When Human Relationships Fail
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Page 1
So you bought this pamphlet.
Sometimes, hormones get the best of us. We can't find a hole or
stump to mount even if we were lost in the produce aisle of the local
supermarket. Never fear, friendly hornball! Help is here!
For the past three weeks, our freelance researchers have worked
non-stop, round the clock at the local grocery stores, laundromats, and
gay bars to get you only the best information! We here at the Kama Sutra
InfoZine Publishing House believe that you, the sex-seeking and lonely
pimple-faced geek, who hasn't felt a girl's hand since 1984 when your
sister played doctor with you in the backroom when you swore you wouldn't
touch her "tongue depressor" with your "magic pixie stick", deserve a
break!
Without further ado, turn the page.
( ) Every year, 7 men
__/_ sustain injuries
/ _\___ to the genitals
/\ \______ in vacuum-related
/ / ( : : )-----' accidents.
~ ~ -.--.- Don't become a statistic.
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Page 2
Genitals, those soft, fuzzy instruments you often see while washing
"down there". On men, the genitals consist of the Dingaling and the dangly
bits. Take care when dealing with the dangly bits, as overly fondling
them can lead to intense pain, characterized by numerous pleads of "oooW
my nuts," and "ouch you motherfuckers, stop kicking me!". Girls,
meanwhile, have a hooha, also commonly referred to as a doonhillie or a
cha-cha.
This, however, may be an urban legend, as our researchers could not
get close enough to a subject to verify this. Girls, being the luckier of
the two genders, come complete with two breasteses. One examiner reported
that the texture of one felt "eerily similar to Grandmother's couch
doilies". This phenomenon has been elusive at best.
MALES FEMALES
____________ /\---|\
____________O @-|O-/~| /
| \ /_\@$/-/
O|O barrel ||_/
\
triggers (Best artist's conception
of female anatomy)
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Page 3
Our studies of the art of Pick-up Lineage has confirmed our beliefs.
Pick-up Lines have passed away along with polyester and rotating beds.
________________________________________________________
| | \ / \ \
/ _ \ Hey baby, / \ No thanks,
/ | \ \ wanna touch | | I'm a...uh,
/ / \ \ my wookie? / \ lesbian.
/____\ /____\ / |
____| | | |____ /____________\
( _ | | __ ) | | | |
\___| \__| |__/ |__/ \___/ \___/
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Page 4
While studying the effects of Pick-up Lines on the underwear of the
female gender, we established the existance of a fascinating event which
occured while under the influence of several alcoholic beverages. The
phenomenon, which often included delusions of being highly smooth talking,
made ugly "tricks" seem like supermodels. This oddity, which we have gone
through the trouble of naming "Beer Enprettyment Syndrome", is only mildly
understood. To further better our understanding, further research is
being done, funded by the money received from purchases of this pamhplet.
Here's a diagram.
skanky-faced-ho + beer = yum.
honey, you ( ) Hi, baby.
don't talk ___ ( ) ______ _ _|_ I find you
that way / \_ | | \ | very sexy.
to Shanaynay. / | |~~~~~~|)/ / \ Take me.
/ \_ | |/ Now.
~ |______|
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Page 5
In conclusion, we'd like to state that frustrated, immature,
low-life losers get no sympathy. We get no chances. I, er, we mean they
get none. Yes, they get none at all, which is why they are frustrated.
Hell, we could all be a lot happier and healthier if we got a good pelvic
grind every now and then, no?
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #548 - WRITTEN BY: REFLECKS - 4/3/99 ]