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'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: ===========================================
##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #461 !!
#########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !!
##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: ===========================================
##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Your Own Personalized Issue of HOE" !!
##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Mogel & Kaia !!
..:::::..::::.....::::........: 1/27/99 !!
!!========================================================================!!
In an effort to raise money for starving children in trailer parks
of lower Delaware, HOE E'zine has decided that now you, the fan, can
order your very own personalized issue of HOE!
I know this sounds exciting. Just think... one of the most
classic and dynamic e'zines of all time can have an issue which has to
do with YOU!
Each personalized issue of HOE is guaranteed to be over 100 lines
long (not counting headers & footers, don't worry). These special issues
will also be authored by none other than Kaia! That's right, the former
DTO writer and musical genius will be writing a wonderful HOE issue all
about YOU!
Just to give you a taste, here's are two examples of what you will
receive when you purchace a personalized issue of HOE!
!!========================================================================!!
"Kreids and Whey"
by Kaia
Feel the difference! Kreid Hand Towels are hand knitted by real
grandmothers in genuine rocking chairs using Kreidex, the virtually
indestructible yet highly absorbent space-age material also used by
astronauts on the space shuttle Endeavor. This breakthrough product was
developed by a team of medical researchers after hours of painstaking
research conducted underwater, on shrooms, and on camera. The four
beautifully embroidered decorative series include: "Hearts and Stars,"
"Kittens," "Things Yo' Momm Don't Approve of," "The Transitive Structure
of Events in Japanese," "The Minimize Function," and "Broken Hearts."
One design is sure to fit every home...
!!========================================================================!!
"G0ff-choo"
by Kaia
Is that a fun game, slapping the table? Although many
world-class athletes would say, "Hell, no!", g0ff is the local superstar
who strongly advocates this new craze in after-school activities.
"Rumour has it that my cat Anna, who loves Ani diFranco, choked on
a Kreid towel and I had to grab her by the tail and slam her against the
kitchen counter to extricate the linen. I would like to stress that this
is only a rumour!"
But who is inclined to believe that this wicked mastermind can
really differentiate between fact and fantasy, especially when he was
recently spotted slapping the kitchen table, pummeling the altar of his
Catholic Church with a wacky noodle, and pounding the Grimace-shaped
table at a McDonalds playland with a jackhammer...
!!========================================================================!!
Let's review: a special, personalized issue of HOE all about you,
written by the infamous Kaia, set to appear as its own regular HOE
release. Now, what would you expect to pay for this amazing offer?
$29.99? $385.99?
Well, since every day is the season of giving here at HOE, this
special offer is only _2 dollars_. I don't think you can ask for
anything more.
INSTRUCTIONS:
============
The cost is $2.00. Send a check, money order, or cash (please
hide your cash so greedy mailmen will not steal your money) payable to:
Kaia Wong
302 Ray Street C
Newark, DE 19717
It would also be a good idea to send an email to mogel@dto.net,
letting me know that you purchased an issue, and I will ensure it gets
to you. Kaia is completely trustworthy (really!) and will not steal any
of your money without writing an issue.
This offer expires on May 25, 1999, when Kaia escapes university
dorms forever. Now go fill out that Official HOE Order Form. Wear
goggles; these burn!
!!========================================================================!!
OFFICIAL HOE ORDER FORM:
=======================
Fill in the following information which will assist us in making
your personalized issue. You can email the answers to these questions
to mogel@dto.net, however for more efficient service, we'd prefer that
you print this form out and include your answers with your money.
HANDLE: ___________________________________
FIRST NAME: ___________________________________
EMAIL ADDRESS: ___________________________________
PREFERRED STYLE:
(Please check one or two that you desire.)
[ ] Editorial/Essay/Rant [ ] Epic Poem
[ ] Fiction [ ] TOTALLY INSANE
[ ] Humor [ ] Surprise me!
QUESTIONS (Optional. Circle your answers.):
Have you ever been attracted to your own mother? Yes No
Anyone else's mother? Yes No
Have you ever intentionally or unintentionally
consumed an albatross egg? Yes No
Have you ever intentionally or unintentionally made sense
while typing on IRC? Intentionally Unintentionally Fnord
HOE E'zine will not take responsibility for any money that is
lost in the mail by our idiotic postal service. We may not completely
meet all of your specifications in the above form, however, we'll do our
best. Regardless, if we get the money, you will get the issue, that's
our gaurauntee.
Order your issue of HOE today!
!!========================================================================!!
!! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #461, WRITTEN BY: MOGEL & KAIA - 1/27/99 !!