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'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
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##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #345 !!
#########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !!
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##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Selected Witty Retorts !!
##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: For Completely Desperate Idiots" !!
..:::::..::::.....::::........:: by Mogel 12/14/98 !!
!!========================================================================!!
Conversation is dangerous, especially if you're stupid. Most
often the danger comes from the always-present potential that a deadly
verbal bomb might be unleashed -- dispensing its raw, verbal damage into
unsuspecting victims. Yes, I'm referring to the awesome power of the
witty retort.
A witty retort can do just so many things. It can earn you much
deserved respect from your peers for you being "clever". It can impress
someone you are trying to romance by having them think you are "clever."
It can also brighten those dark moments in your life -- because even if
life sucks, at least you're "clever". As you can see, it's obvious that
if you use witty retorts you are clever.
At this point you might be noticing this word I keep using --
clever. This would imply that there's some form of thought process
involved in the act of spouting a witty retort. This is true. A true
witty retortist is very much like a kung-fu master. Not only is it
difficult to tell who might be a Master of the art, but they are also
have the ability to inflict great damage onto anyone. You, too, should
aspire to be this end. When the last day of earth comes, I want you to
be the zany guy, standing on a mountain, saying, "see you guys tomorrow!
hyuk, hyuk!"
For now, though, you're stupid. I can relate. Therefor, as
training I've composed a relatively short list of witty retorts that
you are free to steal from me and use as a defense against would-be
verbal assassins. Good luck.
!!========================================================================!!
Technique #1: Pretend you didn't hear them.
===========================================
Simply ignoring someone who is harassing you would be easy and
mature, which is obviously not what we want. I'm not referring to that.
This technique requires a little bit of acting. You need to scrunch up
your face, look confused, and act as if you didn't hear them correctly.
Now simply acting as if you didn't correctly hear them would be too much
of a cop out -- and it would also give them the opportunity to repeat
their same stupid joke again.
Instead, I propose you suggest various alternative things the
offending party might (or blatantly wouldn't) have said. This takes
quick-thinking, as whatever you choose should at least sound remotely
similar. If all else fails, just say, "your what hurts?" Here's some
examples:
Them: I'm gonna kick your ass.
You: You have a lot of gas? Huh?
Them: You're such a dumb faggot.
You: You anal rape Bob Saget? Huh??
Them: I'm going to shoot you with my gun.
You: Your what hurts?
Technique #2: Attack people with obvious physical flaws.
========================================================
Adopted from the infamous Grade School Bully, it's always quick
and easy to attack people's most strikingly obvious insecurities. It
serves its purpose of being a snappy thing to say to someone, however,
the one weakness to this technique is the Obvious Factor -- that is,
the probability that after enough times being insulted on a specific
thing, the victim might start developing witty retorts of their very
own to deal with you.
Don't worry, of course -- there are various ways to get around
this. Most notably, do this: be annoying as shit.
Also as an interesting-yet-tragic side note, the very people
with obvious physical flaws are the most common to use this technique
against each other. Like watching television, you can virtually watch
their projected insecurities pass along each other like a virus. It's
eerie.
Here's what you do.
Mr. Repeat
----------
Them: Excuse me, do you have the time?
You: Yes, but you're fat.
Them: Uhm... that's pretty rude.
You: Okay, but you're fat.
Them: Bye, asshole.
You: That's interesting. You're fat.
Mr. Questions
-------------
You: how on earth did you get so ugly?
Them: Excuse me?
You: I mean really, were you dropped on your head as a child? Were you
put into a special summer camp as a child? What was it like
growing up, being ugly, in such a cosmetic and superficial world?
It must have been hard.
Technique #3: The sneaky explitive.
===================================
These are slightly more advanced than just blurting out simple
phrases like "Fuck you", which wouldn't be considered witty at all (even
if it's much more useful and funny at times). This simply requires you
"setting up" an surprise insult. This takes creativity, which is hard
if you're stupid, so I'll give you a few suggestions.
You: Would you like some soda?
Them: Okay.
You: How about a can of SHUT THE HELL UP!
You: I want to go on a trip.
Them: To where?
You: I was thinking about visiting SHUT THE HELL UP!
Obviously this technique begs for the pseudo-witty literal humor
reply, "I've never had that soda before," or "Are there any malls
there?" If this is done, repeat this again and again until they leave.
Technique #4: I am in 2nd grade.
================================
This technique uses something called a "sarcastic tone." A
sarcastic tone is a way of speaking in which what you are saying isn't
really what you mean. Sometimes it can even be that you mean the exact
opposite of what you say. Ocassionaly even *I* will use sarcasm.
Sarcasm is a useful tool.
Here are two of the most basic and easy sarcastic techniques
ever imaginable.
Simply repeat whatever is said to you in a really whiney,
high-pitched voice. This implies "mockery". The imitated victim will
feel a sense of doubt on if you respect what they are saying.
You can also easily default to the always common "yeah, right."
or "suuure."
Technique #5: Fawning affection.
================================
If someone becomes very obnoxious, another sarcastic technique
is to compliment what they do or say in excess. Here are some examples:
Them: You're as stupid as a rock.
You: That was a very clever insult and I'd imagine it took you a great
deal of time to research and compose that. I should write it down
and use it for my own collection of clever insults. In addition,
I can't help but appreciate the use of an almost poetic simile.
Them: Huh? Look, give me all your money and I won't shoot you with
my gun.
You: My, you look so tough with that shiny revolver. And your
voice... it's so menacing and strong.
Technique #6: Join generation-x!
================================
This technique is absolutely brilliant if you want people to
think you're way too smart to even be talking to them. It doesn't
matter what they say, intelligent or stupid, just stare them in the
face and say "whatever." Brilliant.
Technique #7: Dare to compare.
==============================
This can save you from a dangerous encounter and/or it can shred
your victim to bits. Simply shift any attention off yourself and onto
someone else. Here are some examples:
Them: You're so pathetic.
You: If *I'm* pathetic, then you must be the most pathetic person in all
of world history.
Them: Am I, asshole?
You: I may be an asshole, but at least I'm not Hitler.
Technique #8: The "you would" clause.
=====================================
A psychological timebomb, the "you would" clause is to be used
against any statement with either the words "I think" or "I don't think"
in them, as a personal opinion. For example, if someone said, "I think
people like you belong in jail," or "I don't think [insert phrase here],"
the appropriate reply would use either "you would" (or, if applicable,
"you wouldn't").
Why is this useful? Well, it's funny because no matter what
was said, the reply "you would," will force the person to eventually
think that you have some secret, clever, and logical attacking
implication somewhere, even if the actual effort used in saying
"you would" is almost a default. It's so easy it's painful. Your
victim will be asking himself, consciously or subconsciously, "WHAT DOES
HE MEAN 'YOU WOULD' WHEN I SAY I REALLY LOVE BREAD?"
Technique #9: Deny that they exist.
===================================
This technique causes the victim to do a lot of thinking, and
confuses most people enough to give you time to get away. Basically,
just deny that they exist. Not in thought, just say things like,
"You're pretending as if you really existed." or "I don't have to
listen to you because you don't really exist."
!!========================================================================!!
!! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #345 - WRITTEN BY: MOGEL - 12/14/98 !!