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I am now a widower. My wife died on the 2nd of February 2021. Her death was unexpected. I find it very hard to talk about how she died, but I feel that for this blog it is necessary.
I hope this blog will fulfil at least two purposes:
1. To help other people going through the experience of grief;
2. To help me in some way to come to terms with what is happening to me.
This being so, then I feel that it is important for me to externalise the experience of her death.
On a Sunday morning at the end of last October my wife woke up with severe head pains. These got worse and eventually she was taken into hospital by ambulance. I went with her on this occasion because, by the time the ambulance arrived, she was unconscious - otherwise, due to covid restrictions, I would not have been allowed to go with her.
She was admitted to hospital and moved to a ward. Once I left her in the hospital, again because of covid, I was not allowed to return. She was diagnosed with a rare condition which caused her brain to swell and become inflamed. For most of her time in hospital she was very confused and not able to communicate very well. This made it very difficult for me to keep tabs on how she was doing.
Eventually, she recovered enough to come home. One of the conditions for her doing so was that I set up a bedroom with toilet facilities in our living room. When she came out of hospital she was not able to do very much for herself, nor be left alone for any length of time. I acted as her carer.
Gradually, as time went on she improved. She had to teach herself to do various things again, but on the whole her recovery was making good progress. But the end of January, 2021 there was talk of her returning to work.
However, on Sunday, 31st January she awoke and was unable to stand or get out of bed. Again an ambulance was summoned. This time I was not allowed to go to the hospital with because she was still conscious. The last thing I told her in the ambulance, before it went, was how much I loved her.
At 2am on the following Monday morning I got a call from the hospital telling me she had started fitting - the call was made from the resuscitation unit. Eventually, I got to speak to a doctor who told me she had been put into a coma, and that I should come to the hospital that morning.
When I arrived at the hospital I was taken to see her in intensive care. Because the room she was in was at the end of the covid intensive care ward, I had to dress up in a respirator. I stayed with my wife until I was told that the doctor and the consultant wanted to speak to me.
I was informed that, over the next 24 hours, they would gradually reduce the drugs which kept her in a coma in the hope that she would respond. However, I was also told that due to the swelling of her brain, the brain stem had been damaged and that the consultant did not expect her to wake up. Also, that if, as a result of the reduction in the drugs, she had no significant physical responses, that she would not survive being removed from the respirator that was keeping her alive. He said that if she did not respond positively, that she would be removed from the respirator the next day.
I asked the consultant if it was my decision to as to whether or not she be removed from the respirator. He said no, but when I asked if I could object he said I could. However, this would, he said, only delay the inevitable.
The next morning there had been no improvement in her condition and, on the consultants advice, I agreed that she should be removed from the respirator. I was with her when she died.
I was devastated.
# What next?
This all happened just four and a half months ago. The rest of this blog will be about my day to day experiences of dealing with this loss. I may not make and entry every day - but I will try. I do this in the hope that it may help others, and also give me some sort of a release.
(END)