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burning oil

written thursday january 20th 2022

0

These are very dispersed thoughts that I wouldn't recommend all at once. I'll come back later to add more lively images between them. Before that maybe just skim it? It does not make sense as paragraphs, it's even written in nested bullets despite that being unsupported in gemtext.

As always, thank you for browsing around,

~ daze

1

i write this after almost burning oil
i was having racing thoughts while rinsing the dishes, there was strong sunlight coming through the windows, i had been studying so much to meet deadlines and the oil was supposed to fry garlic and cook rice

* it didn't burn though. it just conjured some smoke and a faint orange ring around it

* thoughts open up and then close down, but they spread in lots of nodes

* it would probably be a better idea to focus and forget about thoughts, but i have been focusing a little too much lately, so i have to unwind now

it does not matter if you are clear or understood if you are not being answered

* the answer can sometimes throw us off but to be able to parse it is something

* i know i am not a machine, but studying programming has this effect on you

* i have so much anger in me and so many feelings i have no resources to process

* how do you process such abstract entities without an answer? relying only on yourself?

* i have fantasies of solitude too, but the answer... is not about just being in constant, exhausting sociability. the answer can be rare, it can be occasional, it can be even personal, though not exclusively so... the answer is something that breaks down a labyrinth wall

it matters more than writing and more than good writing that you are able to invite others to relate and respond to what you are writing, even if your message is an antisocial one

* through the relation, growth of another kind can take place

* this is not meant in opposites, as in good kind and bad kind

* whatever kind takes place relates to that exchange and to those involved in it

* it is unique

2

time has been against me and i can't edit much, so i've been writing only unfinished thoughts

regular communication usually is non-literal expecting a non-literal response

* this hints at a sense of understanding each other that is beyond what is being factually said

* if the hint is absent, all communication is then short-circuited, it seems

* the sense of weirdness created makes the communicator uncomfortable and prone to withdraw

* it looks a lot like a fear reaction but to me it's more a way to repress the literal

* i've been thinking lately though that it's better to be heuristic than just sad about it

* to learn increasingly more instead of brooding this fact

* this does not mean to mask, but to see what actions better combine with it

3

colonial thinking insists on integration, on the idea that all must get along, that all differences must be united together, it insists on this possibility of correcting, perfecting, creating

* but that is not a real possibility or intention, just a selling point

* this creates separation where only a few are sheltered

* this is not to dismiss the importance of care and of having spaces where boundaries are discussed, but to highlight how they can also be commodified and oversimplified, and then they only attend to the needs of some

* it takes a lot more work to give than to receive

* and there is truly no reason to give to those who already have, but sadly they have engineered it so for a long time now

* it's not about expecting anyone to give you anything though, so you just keep giving to those who are closer and taking care of your own -- not the identitary own, the own as in the one your body meets, the one who shares your conditions, and that does not have to be all of them

complicated words and thoughts only complicate our ability to process feelings. yet, if you are the kind of being that keeps reading and writing there may be little hope. it is one way of processing but don't be mistaken in thinking it's more accurate. it is very rigid and fails terribly. no dead words will fit a living feeling.

4

when our resources are the lowest is when we can't fake
so those who are always with the lowest base resources for socializing are the first targets for being demanded from to be nicer
in this cycle the codes of niceness are reaffirmed but there is no basic inherent niceness, it is all just code
even if you believe in a basic inherent niceness (compassion, kindness, love, etc), to say it is manifested at all times and expect it not to fail is to misunderstand every concept laid against those words

* in those concepts, niceness is not demanded, just offered

* these ideas are hard to separate from the religious discourse that appropriates them

* to me it was not worth the effort to try and accomplish such separation

* so i try to better exert whatever niceness i have

* if codes come naturally to you it's fine

* but to expect any other person to perform to you those codes is a trap

* they will fail, and then what do you do? punish them? try to teach them?

* the advice that never makes sense to me is the one where this discussion tends to lead into: 'just be yourself'

* what can we be beyond ourselves when all states of this 'being' are temporary?

* how do you even remember what you are when you are being demanded to not be that and to be different?

* there is no essential way you are, so there is no way to 'be yourself', it is all fabrication and struggle to be yourself against all expectations

so much energy is employed around avoiding conflict

* conflict could be worked as an intentional action against what we are in constant conflict with, but it is turned inwards or to the nearest target

to avoid conflict is not inherently bad and wrong, what tends to be overlooked is just that for some conditions, for the way some lives play out, it is just not possible